WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF THE LEGAL BELLETRIST
Have you ever watched the series, Dexter? Dexter Morgan, a man with homicidal tendencies, lives a double life. He works as a forensic technician for the Miami police department during the day and kills wicked perpetrators in his free time. As Showtime describes it – “He’s smart. He’s lovable. He’s Dexter Morgan, America’s favorite serial killer.”
Kinda weird because you definitely find yourself rooting for the so-called “bad guy.” But it’s so enjoyable. Addictive even.
In the series, Dexter talks about having a “dark passenger”. He talks about having something dark deep down inside himself, something he hides, something he certainly doesn’t talk about – but it’s there. Always. And when this dark passenger is driving, Dexter feels alive. He doesn’t fight it; he doesn’t even want to.
Now to most people, that wouldn’t make sense, but to me I can relate. Wholeheartedly. Now I’m no serial killer. Let’s get that straight. But as far as having a dark passenger of my own is concerned, I have one and she’s constantly hanging on my back, like the heaviest backpack you can imagine. She’s always there. Even though I try my best to hide her. It kind of feels like the more I hide her, the more Hunchback of Notre Dame I become. My shoulders hunched over and my head tipping lower to the floor. I certainly don’t talk about her, why would I? No one would believe me. But she’s there. Always. And when she takes over, I feel everything so keenly, like splinters on my skin. I can’t help feeling more alive.
I can’t fight her. Sometimes I don’t even want to.
What anxiety feels like
I have suffered with some kind of anxiety most of my life. At least that’s what I thought it was. But it’s only been recently that I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorder, PTSD and what I like to call, melancholy (otherwise known as depression). Anxiety and depression often go hand in hand. Hard diagnoses to accept. Ones that still carry such a stigma. But the one that is most often taken for granted, misdiagnosed, misused and thrown around like today’s “special on a chalkboard” – good old anxiety.
Everyone and their cat has anxiety – no literally my one cat does have anxiety and is medicated for it. No jokes.
But there’s a big difference between an anxiety disorder and simply feeling overwhelmed (although there’s nothing simple about it). We’ll discuss the actual definitions and what it means but I first want to give my own take on it. For perspective.
What anxiety feels like to me
Picture climbing a mountain, with the goal of summiting. Pick any mountain you want. We all have our own backpacks on our backs filled with the bits and pieces of our own demons packed inside. Because let’s face it, every single one of us has some or other “issue”.
I have my dark passenger on my back. She’s heavy, she makes me hunch over – so much so that my head tips closer to the floor. With her, I pack my other necessary items like bottled water, some food – you know, basic items I need to survive – my survival kit. The things we all have. And suddenly the weight is that much heavier. But off we go.
As we start climbing up the mountain, I kind of struggle to see where I’m going, because my head is tipped to the floor, so I trip a little more over rocks scattered around. I’m mocked for being clumsy or too sensitive – letting out a little moan for every bump on the trail. But I carry on regardless.
But as we walk uphill, as the trail gets harder, and with my extra load – my dark passenger – I’m really feeling the extra weight. It’s hard for me to keep up with the others and I need to stop more often to catch my breath. As a result, the rest of the group seems to get a little fed up with me and it feels like – at least to me – that they are somehow plotting against me. Are they really all talking about me? What can I do to be better? Ouch! My neck hurts, it feels like it’s in a spasm!
Now the climb is getting steep and as I stop to take my breath I worry about where I am in the group, do they still need me, have they left me here, must I carry on alone? Suddenly, irrational thoughts cloud my usual calm mind and murk my judgement. I can’t think straight, I can’t concentrate, I lose track of where I’m going. I get lost. It gets dark. I’m all alone and I’m scared. Things are out there in the dark, they’re out to get me! I can’t regulate my breathing. I can’t breathe. My heart is racing. It feels like my heart is about to jump right out of my chest. My whole body is shaking. I’m sweating. I feel like I’ve lost all control now. Why am I standing so close to this edge? I don’t understand what’s happening. The world is getting hazy now.
Someone help me! But there’s only silence. Darkness. I’m so tired but how will I ever sleep?!
But then morning comes, and I realise I’m closer to the summit than I thought. I join the others who all summited, the day before and who are already getting ready to leave. I take my seat to look at where I’ve made it to, realising that I made it to the top with my dark passenger and my survival goods all in tow. Ah how beautiful it is up here! It’s at this point that someone in my group comments that it’s nice for me to join the group at last. I just smile to myself – they don’t need to know that I got lost along the way. Instead, I put in my earphones and play Crazy by Gnarls Barkley. Because I can relate to that – then again, can’t we all?
How professionals define anxiety
“Anxiety disorders can cause people to try to avoid situations that trigger or worsen their symptoms. Job performance, schoolwork and personal relationships can be affected. In general, for a person to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, the fear or anxiety must:
- Be out of proportion to the situation or be age inappropriate.
- Hinder their ability to function normally.
There are several types of anxiety disorders: generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder with or without agoraphobia, specific phobias, agoraphobia, social anxiety disorder, separation anxiety disorder and selective mutism.”
Whereas merely feeling anxious refers to anticipation of a future concern and is more associated with muscle tension and avoidance behaviour.
And being fearful is an emotional response to an immediate threat and is more associated with a fight or flight reaction – either staying to fight or leaving to escape danger.
Like I said, everyone and their cat says they have anxiety these days – it’s a term that’s thrown around like specials on a chalkboard. But what everyday people are feeling is overwhelm, or anxiousness. Fear at the most. It’s not actual anxiety. Having an anxiety disorder is a whole other ball game. And not one you should rush to buy tickets for either.
I’m not sure what it is either. Why the rush to self-diagnose yourself with anxiety? Is it an age thing? Is it a generation thing? Is it a hormonal thing?
It feels like “anxiety” is the excuse for everything nowadays – can’t commit in a relationship – oh it’s because I suffer with anxiety. Can’t perform at work- oh it’s because of my anxiety. Failing at school – yeah, it’s my anxiety. Anxiety is the reason for every failing known to man. And yet it’s not anxiety at all.
The symptoms of anxiety
For people with an anxiety disorder, the anxiety does not go away and can get worse over time. The symptoms can interfere with daily activities such as job performance, schoolwork, and relationships.
There are several types of anxiety disorders, including generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, and various phobia-related disorders.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health –
Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) usually involves a persistent feeling of anxiety or dread, which can interfere with daily life. It’s not the same as occasionally worrying about things or experiencing anxiety due to stressful life events. People living with GAD experience frequent anxiety for months, if not years. Symptoms of GAD include –
- Feeling restless, wound-up, or on-edge;
- Being easily fatigued;
- Having difficulty concentrating;
- Being irritable;
- Having headaches, muscle aches, stomach aches, or unexplained pains;
- Difficulty controlling feelings of worry, and
- Having sleep problems, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep.
People with panic disorder have frequent and unexpected panic attacks. Panic attacks are sudden periods of intense fear, discomfort, or sense of losing control even when there is no clear danger or trigger. Not everyone who experiences a panic attack will develop panic disorder. People with panic disorder often worry about when the next attack will happen and actively try to prevent future attacks by avoiding places, situations, or behaviors they associate with panic attacks. Panic attacks can occur as frequently as several times a day or as rarely as a few times a year. During a panic attack, a person may experience –
- Pounding or racing heart;
- Sweating;
- Trembling or tingling;
- Chest pain;
- Feelings of impending doom, and
- Feelings of being out of control.
Social anxiety disorder is an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others. For people with social anxiety disorder, the fear of social situations may feel so intense that it seems beyond their control. For some people, this fear may get in the way of going to work, attending school, or doing everyday things. People with social anxiety disorder may experience –
- Blushing, sweating, or trembling;
- Pounding or racing heart;
- Stomach aches;
- Rigid body posture or speaking with an overly soft voice;
- Difficulty making eye contact or being around people they don’t know, and
- Feelings of self-consciousness or fear that people will judge them negatively.
A phobia is an intense fear of—or aversion to—specific objects or situations. Although it can be realistic to be anxious in some circumstances, the fear people with phobias feel is out of proportion to the actual danger caused by the situation or object. People with a phobia –
- May have an irrational or excessive worry about encountering the feared object or situation
- Take active steps to avoid the feared object or situation
- Experience immediate intense anxiety upon encountering the feared object or situation
- Endure unavoidable objects and situations with intense anxiety (nimh)
If you have experienced any of the above symptoms on more than one occasion or find yourself struggling with the above symptoms on a regular basis, you should seek the assistance and care of a psychiatrist and psychologist who are able to provide psychotherapy and medication should you need it. Keep in mind that in South Africa only a psychiatrist can prescribe medication and a psychologist is able to offer talk therapy and/or Cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), a type of talk therapy, which can help a person learn a different way of thinking, reacting and behaving to help feel less anxious. Or any combination of therapies and medication.
What then am I going through?
If you’re not diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, which the majority of people won’t be, you are most likely suffering with stress, overwhelm or anxiousness. And those are bad enough.
Every day stresses can leave you feeling like you’re struggling to cope – there’s just too much going on. Or perhaps you’re going through something truly stressful that’s making it hard for you to function. This is what it means to feel (and be) overwhelmed.
According to Very Well Mind, when you’re overwhelmed, you can be flooded by thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations that are often related to the specific problem, making it difficult to manage – says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University.
Let’s make one thing crystal clear though – everyone feels overwhelmed on occasion and it’s a completely normal response to everyday stressors to feel a little overwhelmed. We’re only human after all. But being chronically stressed out and constantly feeling overwhelmed can take a toll on your mental and physical health.
Very Well Mind sets out the signs and symptoms of being overwhelmed as follows –
- Irrational thoughts:you may be unable to think rationally, making what you’re going through seem more intense than what it is, and this in turn makes you feel less capable of dealing with it.
- Paralysis:you may experience a freeze response that can cause you to feel paralyzed and unable to function. Even simple tasks can feel impossible.
- Disproportionate reactions: you may overreact to minor stressors.
- Withdrawal: you may find yourself withdrawing from friends and family.
- Pessimism: you may feel helpless and hopeless about the situation.
- Mood changes: you may feel angry, irritable, or anxious, and cry easily.
- Cognitive fatigue:you may feel confused and have difficulty concentrating, making decisions, and solving problems.
- Physical symptoms: you may even experience physical symptoms such as rapid heartbeat, difficulty breathing, dizziness, fatigue, headaches, cramps, an upset stomach, or other unexplainable aches and pains.
While you’re feeling overwhelmed you may not need the care of a psychiatrist just yet, speaking to a psychologist can be beneficial to nip things in the bud as they say. In addition, seeking out the services of a professional life coach like Frieda Levycky of Braving Boundaries can help put things into perspective and get you back on the right track.
Please keep in mind though – as Very Well Mind points out – being chronically and continuously stressed and overwhelmed can (but not always) lead to physical and mental health conditions such as high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, depression, addiction and eventual anxiety and anxiety disorders if not dealt with.
Tools to help you cope with your anxiousness
I would never leave you high and dry without an ounce of hope or tools with which you can help yourself. Yes, anxiety disorders do need professional help and may require medication but that doesn’t mean you can’t ease away anxiousness or stress, even calm down your anxiety in other ways. Here are 5 things you can do at home to ease your feelings of overwhelm and stress –
Use drawing as a tool – long before I was diagnosed, I would doodle on a piece of paper whenever the feelings of panic would start up. I started doing this as a child. I would often use shapes and intricate designs to calm myself. Some of my doodles were quite elaborate and quite colourful. Beautiful in ways that I can’t really describe. I’m no artist. And I don’t think this requires any real skill. I also never knew it was an actual recognized tool used to help with anxiety. According to Healthline putting pencil to paper, paint brush to easel or water colour to canvas allows you to give yourself much needed space from unwanted, often uncontrollable, thoughts and engage in an activity that you can control. You decide what to draw and what colours to add to whatever it is that you’re doing. While focused on the creative process, you aren’t giving energy to your anxiety. You give yourself a moment to take a deep breath. And it’s backed up by research!
Put pen to paper – writing for a living has its advantages – I am often able to put how I’m feeling down on a piece of paper so that I can recognize what I’m feeling and break it down into manageable pieces. And that’s the kicker for me – manageable pieces. Because once you realise that what you’re feeling is manageable and that you can handle it, everything else calms down. It’s not always easy, sometimes all I can do is write words, feelings, emotions down on a piece of paper. But that’s better than nothing. It also helps to focus the mind to try and articulate a word, a feeling. But it helps. If nothing comes right away, go back to the doodle. See what flows from that. The two go hand-in-hand often with me and I find they work wonderfully together.
Get moving – this is sometimes the last thing you want to hear. Get up and get moving. Sometimes you can’t get out of bed, let alone get to the gym. But it’s not about that. It’s not about big workouts. It’s just about doing something to get you moving. For me, it’s making my bed. I know it sounds ridiculous. But I’ll never forget watching a video of a Sergeant in the US army who spoke about the honour of making a bed – because at the end of the day, even if you accomplished nothing else, at least you accomplished that. You made your bed. Then I brush my two Maine Coon cats. The one loves being brushed, the other hates it. And I have to chase the one that hates being brushed around the house – I’m moving. I love cooking, so will cook a meal for my hubby and that often requires a trip to the store. Again, I’m moving. And each thing is a positive movement in the right direction to a full day of action. Small things that lead to big things. It’s not all about workouts. But if you can get a workout in – then good for you! Endorphins can only benefit you.
Use scent – this for me is an important one. What started out as bringing in more lavender – which is known for its calming properties – got me to invest in home fragrance like candles and diffusers with fragrances known for calming and healing properties. I have diffusers all over the house whose reeds I turn regularly and then have two pillar candles on each side of my home in my desired scent for that week (or bi-weekly). Once I’ve made the bed, had a proper breakfast and got dressed for the day my reward is getting to light the candles. It’s become almost a ritual for me. And as soon as I smell the candles, I already know that I have accomplished a set number of things for the day, I’ve already begun my day and suddenly I’m calm. Whether it’s the fragrance (which I think helps) or just the ritual of lighting the candles I’m not sure but for me, being surrounded by a calming scent really helps me feel centered.
Spending time with animals – this is a saving grace for me. I’m a fur mom to four beautiful kitties. My youngest – Miss Georgia Peach y’all – is a real beauty. She’s a silver and grey Maine Coon little girl. I truly believe that she is my emotional support kitty. A little angel sent to me from above. Animals pass no judgement on you, they don’t care if you have money or don’t have money, whether you’re employed or unemployed, whether your stressed out or calm, whether you’re overweight or under. All they care about is you. So, spend time with your pets – if you have them. Take your dogs for a walk, play fetch with them. Brush your cats, play with their balls or toy mice. Or just love them, give them affection. The peace that petting an animal can give you is unbelievable. If you don’t have a pet of your own, volunteer at an animal shelter if you can. And if that’s not possible, virtually adopt a cat or a dog if your funds will allow – the thought of knowing that you are helping an innocent life will fill you with a sense of peace and calm knowing you helped someone else today, outside of yourself. And how can that not make you happy?
I wish I could wave a wand and make anxiety, anxiousness, stress and overwhelm disappear for good. Sadly, it’s an unfortunate reality of today’s day and age that stressors and overwhelm seem to be a normal part of everyday life. Something we all must learn to cope with. I pray that an anxiety disorder is not an affliction any of you get for –
“Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.” Charles Spurgeon
I hope I have imparted some wisdom and that in it you have found some solace. If not, please seek assistance from the necessary professionals who can assist you. This is not something to go ignored.
(Sources used and to whom I owe thanks – Orlando Health; Mayo Clinic; Psychiatry.org; NIMH; verywellmind; healthline here and here).
Click here to visit The Legal Belletrist website. Email: [email protected]