Who You Were, Who You Are and Who You Are Becoming

WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF THE LEGAL BELLETRIST 

INTRODUCTION: WHY SELF-REFLECTION MATTERS

I read a quote the other day that said – 

“A person without self-reflection never changes they just get older.”

And it got me thinking. 

About who I am. Who I was. And mostly on who I am still becoming. Because life is a journey. We all know that. A journey with so many twists and turns, bumps in the road, U-turns, and dead ends. Where we thought we would end up is hardly ever the place we foresaw in our daydreaming’s. 

But I have said this on more than one occasion – if my younger self could see me now. And I am never quite sure in those moments whether I am saying that in a state of appreciation or disapproval. Perhaps a little of both. 

What I know for sure is that it has taken a lot of work to get to where I am – both work in the real sense, my 9-5 work, but also work on myself, my inner self, to get to a place where I am ok with who and what I am. With who I am becoming. There is so much that can be said for that.

What it comes down to is constant self-reflection. Looking inward. And that’s so much harder than it sounds. Trust me. Admitting to your own faults and downfalls and areas where you can improve on yourself. Admitting that you’re not “perfect.” Whatever perfect means. Admitting that you are fallible.

But one thing is for certain – I am not the same person I started out as. 

And thank G-d for that. 

Who I was: tHE cost of living for others

If we are being honest – and I think we always should be – I was a hot mess. I’m not talking about when I was a teenager because we are all kind of messed up as teenagers. I’m talking about my twenties.

Fresh out of varsity, I had both intellectual and academic arrogance, accompanied by a confidence that comes with looking a certain way – something I put a lot of importance into. I lived under the roof of people I didn’t get along with. Wait, that doesn’t quite cover it. I lived under the roof of people who were and are still the cause of so much trauma and confusion in my life. I was manipulated into believing that family came before my own happiness, that looking after them was more important than looking after myself, that putting their needs before my own basic needs, was my duty and that the only way out of their house was through death or marriage.

My anxiety was at an all time high. I lived on caffeine and cigarettes, alcohol on weekends just to shake things up. I was a cliché – a work hard, die hard wannabe lawyer working in an environment designed to make you fail – law clerks, at least when I was a law clerk, weren’t expected to excel. They were expected to be downtrodden and exhausted, and I fit the bill perfectly. 

My sunny personality, raucous laugh, dance on the table, shine bright like a diamond, me against the world attitude either rubbed you the wrong way or intrigued you. But it was all a front. An act. A face I put on to fool the onlookers. Inside I was broken. Plagued by not feeling good enough, feeling like I wasn’t pretty or thin enough, feeling like a failure before I had even really begun. 

I set myself up to fail. 

It didn’t help that my choice of partners at the time either physically abused me or emotionally abused me – “have your salad dressing on the side, you don’t want to get fat.”

It was a concoction of emotional abuse and guilt at home, emotional abuse at work, emotional abuse from bad choice partners, self-doubt believing I was fat, that I was ugly, that I wasn’t worthy of happiness. It was a lot. 

And I buried it all really deep.

I didn’t seek help. I didn’t think I needed it at the time. All I could focus on was getting out, was starting my life away from everyone, was starting over. 

But I would never admit to that aloud. Ever. Talk against my parents? Never. Admit that Articles were not shaping up to be what I had hoped they would be? Never. 

To the world, life was peachy. 

But it was a lie. And it took its toll. 

Who I was then was a broken person with hopes and dreams, but with no idea of how to make any of them happen. Or belief that any of them could happen.

Who I Am Now: Healing, Growth and Self-Acceptance

It was when I met my husband that my life changed. 

He saved me in so many ways I can’t fully explain. Who I am now has a lot to do with him. But it has also taken a lot of work by myself on myself. And it has been very hard. 

So much has happened between my early twenties, my thirties and now my forties. I feel like I have run a gauntlet. 

From career changes to failed pregnancies, to almost dying from COVID, to being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, to my mental health diagnoses. And most importantly to confronting my parents and resorting to “no-contact,” to losing my beloved grandmother, aunt, uncle, and best friend. I have been through a great deal. I have faced and am still facing my traumas, the things I still have nightmares over, the things I have buried deep within me. 

But I am facing my so-called demons, my triggers, my pain. I’m controlling my anxiety and am on top of my melancholy. 

I am constantly self-reflecting, ensuring that I check in with myself on an ongoing basis – because that’s been so important. 

For the first time, in a long time, I am putting myself first. My needs first. Not in a self-indulgent way. In a healthy way. 

But there’s one thing I have noticed about getting older and that is the feeling that life is fleeting. It really is. A year ago, it was 1998! 

In that realisation comes the understanding that it’s your life. You need to live it for you. Not for anyone else. Do the things that make you happy. Not what makes someone else happy. Because waiting until your deathbed before you fulfil the things on your bucket list is not the way to live your life. 

Living my life for me has meant leaving the legal profession (well not entirely) so that I can write to my heart’s content at The Legal Belletrist, starting a new venture collecting and trading authentic (imported directly from Japan) vintage and antique Japanese Kimonos at ManeKi NeKo Private Kimono Collection (Kimono’s currently available at Wizards Vintage in Johannesburg), taking pottery classes, writing poetry, starting a novel, spending time with the friends and family I have left, focusing on my health – both physical and mental, giving my cats the love and attention they deserve, travelling as much as my work and budget will allow and spending as much quality time with the amazing man I married as I can. 

It has also meant saying goodbye to the people in my life causing me harm. 

It’s an ongoing journey.

Who I Am Becoming: Owning My Life and My Future

I had to go away and really give this one some thought. 

Luckily, music is an eternal motivator. While on the treadmill, Linkin Park’s “Somewhere I Belong” played over the speakers and the words just seemed to speak to this very topic – 

“I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain ’til it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong”

They’re not my favourite band by a long margin. So, it struck me as odd that these lyrics would mean so much. But they do. 

And I think that’s who I am becoming – the person who is healed, or who is healing. The person who is able to let go of the pain that was bottled up for so long and finally be at peace. The person who finally feels like her place in the world is where she is happy and safe. 

No drama. No lies. Just peace and being happy in my own skin.

Life is short. It’s unpredictable. And that makes it so very precious. I’ve wasted so much time living my life for others and by others’ rules. It’s now my turn. 

It will take work. I know that. I’ll have to constantly check in with myself to ensure I’m being true to who I am while reaching the goals I constantly set for myself. Self-reflection will be key. On an ongoing basis. 

Who I am becoming is a work in progress, but I know one thing for sure – I will be authentically me. Weird, loving and looking forward to growing old, grey and hopefully wiser.

Let’s talk about Self-Reflection!

Practicing self-reflection takes discipline and intentionality. It requires pressing pause on the chaos of life and simply taking the time to think and ponder about your life. Something often easier said than done. But it’s an incredibly valuable practice.

Without self-reflection, we simply go through life without thinking, moving from one thing to the next without making time to evaluate whether things are really working for us. We don’t pause to think. To analyse. The unfortunate result is that we often get stuck. Like I quoted above – we don’t change we just get older. 

Throughout this article I have mentioned how important self-reflection is and how important it has been for me to practice it on an ongoing basis. But I haven’t really stopped to explain how one goes about doing it.

Before you begin with your own self-reflection, I want to say this – it’s important to remind yourself that your time in self-reflection is a safe space within yourself. Don’t judge yourself while you explore your inner thoughts, feelings and motives of behaviour. Simply notice what comes up and accept it. Instead of focusing on fears, worries or regrets, try to look for areas of growth and improvement.

How to Self-Reflect in 6 Easy Steps

Final Thoughts: Coming Home to Who You Really Are

If you need support in figuring out how to self-reflect or what it means to self-reflect or even what the benefits of self-reflection are, get in touch with Frieda Levycky at Braving Boundaries today. 

For me, self-reflection has meant getting to know myself better. Learning what really matters to me. What I like and what I can live without. Truly. Self-reflection has meant growth. It has meant coming home to who I really am. And loving her regardless.

And that has been priceless.

(Sources used and to whom we owe thanks: Reflection; Very Well Mind and Positive Psychology).