WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF THE LEGAL BELLETRIST
(Part of the The Fears series)
Chicken soup, it’s one of those things that I’ve grown up with. And every single time I have it, a wave of nostalgia sweeps over me. No matter what I’m going through, I immediately feel better.
And chicken soup, like many things in my life, carries a certain amount of nostalgia. It reminds me of my grandmother who would make chicken soup from scratch, something she would do on a weekly basis. And something she would do more often if I had the flu or a cold. It was her way of giving me a big, get-well hug from across the wall.
You see, I grew up next door to my grandparents and spent so much time with them it felt like home. I learnt to play card games from my grandmother on days my mother had a migraine – something that happened often. In fact, growing up I was more at my grandparent’s home than I was at my parents’ home. I didn’t mind, there was less drama there.
I’ve been thinking about them a lot recently. Both because of the deterioration of familial ties in recent times but also because I have been going through old family photos and gathering items together – inherited from my grandparents – which I now need to sort into keep, donate or sell piles. We are starting to downscale as we look to move to Cape Town in the coming months and for some or other reason, I have accumulated a mass of “stuff” that I neither like, use or want.
But some of this “stuff” is not so much sentimental as it is “theirs”. And the process of getting rid of it, is a burden that feels too heavy to take.
It feels like I am losing them all over again.
And I know that isn’t true. They are only things after all.
There’s an old writing desk that my grandmother loved. It used to be where she opened letters (when people still wrote them), where she read newspapers and magazines (when people still read them) and where she did her weekly accounts (when they were still sent by mail). It has marks on it from where she spilled her tea one time and left a hot tea pot. It’s old (it belonged to her mother), warped with age and a little rickety if I’m honest. It’s also heavy and in a dark wood, not really matching anything else in my home.
There’s also an old rocking chair that my grandfather loved. It’s where he spent most afternoons dozing after a long day. It’s where he watched the 7 o’clock news from and from where he drank his tea. It’s also where he spent his last days rocking along, with a red checkered blanket covering his legs. The same red blanket is still on it today.
They are memories of my grandparents. Flickers of the lives they led and the people they were. And while they are just things, it’s very hard to let them go.
The Process of Letting Go
Letting go of two people who meant so much to me. Letting go of a past that I don’t want to address nor forget. Letting go of memories that mean so much to me. All because I’m trying to make room in my life for new beginnings, for new memories, for a new life in a different city. I should be excited, jumping for joy really. But here I sit cross legged on the carpet crying into my tea. My cats think I’ve lost the plot. My husband knows I have.
As my tea gets cold, with me staring into the distance, a thought crawls up my spine – is it them I’m afraid of losing or is just my fear of losing an item that has a self-proclaimed meaning attached to it?
In other words, if I decide to sell, donate or give the rocking chair or writing desk away will it make it easier to move or could I potentially find a place for it in my new home (keeping in mind that we have already decided that these items will not be moving with us).
It’s then that I decide to Google “Fear of Letting Go” and this pops up Loss Aversion: Understanding and Overcoming Our Fear of Letting Go, and the first two points seem to apply to my situation – at least in part –
- “Acknowledge the Fear of Loss
The first step is to recognize when loss aversion is influencing your decisions. Are you keeping an item because it moves you toward your purpose? Or are you giving extra weight to the fear of what you may be losing?
- Redefine ‘Loss’ and ‘Gain’
Rather than focusing on what you are giving up, shift your perspective to what you’re gaining through owning less. Minimalism is about addition more than it is about subtraction—more space, less stress, increased focus on what truly matters. The loss of physical items pales in comparison to these gains.”
Reading this article got me thinking – and while I in no way proclaim to be a minimalist – perhaps there are steps that I could take that could ease my fear of letting go? Not just of the furniture but of the memories and of the past attached to them.
Which leads me to the first step of five.
Acknowledge the past – don’t dance around the issue, instead identify whatever you are afraid of letting go of and confront it as best you can. Don’t allow your past to loom over you like a monster hiding under your bed. Remember: It happened, but it’s not happening any longer. Ignoring or suppressing the things you’re afraid of letting go of will only lead to it disrupting aspects of your life. So, if there are any necessary actions to be taken, take them. Do you need to have a conversation with someone you have pent up animosity towards or someone you need closure from? Is there something you need to get off your chest? Speaking about the past, whether it is with friends or a therapist, is an effective way to release whatever emotions you’re hoarding from that experience. Releasing these emotions is the first step to letting go.
Look for the positives – there’s no denying that it can be hard to look back on situations that may have hurt us, that may have been disappointing or where you need closure. But regardless of how negative that situation may have been, think of the positives. Is there something that you can learn from the experience? Instead of dwelling on what could’ve been or what was, think of what can be. What can you get out of the situation that will be of use to you in the future? How can you move on if you aren’t able to get the closure you need? What positive reinforcement are you able to take that can help you close the book on whatever situation you are struggling to let go of?
Baby steps – letting go doesn’t have to be an all or nothing process. Break the process down into small, manageable steps. That way, letting go will feel attainable. Progress is progress. Celebrate each and every small achievement along the way – they all matter. Positive reinforcement helps shift your focus from the difficult past into a positive future, from what you’re saying goodbye to, to what you’re gaining from the process.
Embrace the joy of letting go – the joy of what we will find ahead is much greater than what we leave behind. Keep that thought in mind—every time you let go of something you take another step towards a more intentional life. This mindset can help counterbalance the initial discomfort of addressing difficult pasts or disappointing outcomes. And while our tendency may be to overvalue the loss we feel from those situations, we can overwhelm that tendency with the promise of something better – letting them go.
Strive to live in the present – today is more important than yesterday, we all know that. That’s why it’s called the present. It’s therefore important that we fully immerse ourselves with the present, that we occupy ourselves with things that make us happy, with activities that we enjoy. We need to make new memories that we can look back on with contentment. Oftentimes, we can’t help but ruminate on the possibilities, the might have beens. But the truth is, this is all we get. Looking back gets us nowhere. Ultimately, we can’t change the past — we can only control our actions in the present. So, dedicate your time to pursuing your desires and creating that future you would like to see.
With the above five steps in mind and a proper plan in place, I feel better equipped to not only deal with the pieces of my past that I need to address before moving on but also the literal pieces from my past – the rocking chair and writing desk that need new homes. It’s funny how we bury things so deep down that they resurface at the most inopportune moments. But here we are, adulting our lives away, needing to deal with issues as they arise.
No one said adulting would be fun, only that it would be a journey.
If you are on your own journey towards letting go, I wish you luck, patience, and peace. There’s nothing to be afraid of if you deal with it head on.
Click here to visit The Legal Belletrist website. Email: alicia@thebelletrist.com