WRITTEN BY FRIEDA LEVYCKY, FOUNDER OF BRAVING BOUNDARIES
Self-worth isn’t something we tend to think about day to day, yet it quietly sits behind almost every decision we make. It influences what we ask for, what we put up with and when we finally decide something needs to change. When you start to see your value more clearly, the choices you make begin to look very different.
I learnt this during a conversation about a salary increase; an exchange that revealed far more about how I saw myself than I expected. It wasn’t really about the money. It was about the internal shift that comes from finally backing yourself. Once that shift begins, it has a way of reshaping your next steps, both at work and in the rest of your life.
The experience didn’t start dramatically, it built slowly. That familiar mix of tiredness, frustration and feeling slightly invisible despite working incredibly hard. I’ve always hated confrontation. I would tell myself that my salary wasn’t that bad, that others had it worse, that raising it might make me look ungrateful or difficult. I kept my head down and carried on, even though something inside felt off.
The appraisal that changed everything
The pressure reached a tipping point during my annual appraisal. I had already done the groundwork. I had researched market benchmarks, spoken to trusted colleagues and gathered the data I needed to make a reasonable, well-informed case. My intention was simple: a straightforward discussion about performance and fair compensation.
The response surprised me. I was told that if I received more money, others would have to lose out. A “limited pot” for the team suddenly became my responsibility to navigate. The implication was subtle yet powerful: asking for fairness meant harming the people around me.
I walked out feeling completely deflated. My request had turned into a moral dilemma. The doubt crept in quickly, which is exactly what comments like that tend to provoke. I began questioning whether I should have raised it at all, despite knowing my figures were accurate and reasonable.
A few hours later, a different feeling settled in. I realised I wasn’t willing to sit with that discomfort or accept the guilt that had been handed to me. I emailed HR and expressed my disappointment. That email marked the first real step in backing myself. It was a quiet refusal to accept the narrative I had been given.
What followed was a series of conversations: first with HR, then with HR and my boss together. None of it was especially comfortable, but most things worth doing rarely are. It was somewhere in the middle of it all, that the penny dropped. The problem wasn’t my request. The problem was the system that made me feel guilty for making it.
The outcome and what truly changed
I eventually received an increase (staggered over two years). A very corporate outcome. The most meaningful change had nothing to do with money though. It happened internally. For the first time, I stopped waiting for someone else to define my worth. I stopped outsourcing that responsibility. I stood up for myself.
It was the first time I showed up as the real me. Not the overly accommodating version. Not the “I’ll just cope” version. The version that quietly knew she deserved better and finally acted on it.
When self-worth grows, your life starts to reorganise itself
There’s something else worth saying here because it’s important. Times like these often leave us with a choice: do I stay or do I go? Do I keep trying to make the current situation work or has this experience shown me that I’ve outgrown the box I’m in?
We often imagine that once we take a stand and “win” (whether that’s a pay increase, a promotion or some acknowledgment), things will feel better. Yet, sometimes, all it does is confirm that the box you’ve been squeezing yourself into no longer fits. That’s exactly what happened to me.
Was I pleased with the increase? Yes, on the surface. Was it market value? No, but by then it wasn’t even about the numbers. It was about something far more internal. It was the realisation that I was allowed to ask for more: more money, more balance, more respect, more alignment. That shift doesn’t stay neatly contained in one corner of your life. It ripples.
Once you recognise you’re allowed to want more, it becomes very hard to un-see it.
That point of showing up in my career opened a much wider door. Not long after, I left that job to take a gap year. I also ended friendships and romantic relationships that weren’t good for me. It wasn’t dramatic or chaotic. It was simply a series of decisions rooted in a new, steadier sense of self-worth.
When you finally show up for yourself in one area of your life, you begin to show up everywhere.
Why these shifts matter
Personal change does not usually arrive through grand gestures. Most of it is shaped by small, uncomfortable choices that you replay in your mind long after the conversation ends. Those choices quietly mark a before and after.
Self-worth influences those decisions more than we realise. It shapes what we accept, what we ask for and when we finally choose a different path.
What coaching helped me see
The experience did not turn me into someone who enjoys confrontation or enters every challenging discussion with flawless confidence. What it did do was open a door to deeper self-awareness.
Coaching helped me walk through it. It helped me separate my worth from external approval, understand the stories that held me back and recognise that showing up is a skill rather than a personality trait. Something we get better at each time we practise it.
I see the same pattern with so many clients: most people know what they want. They’re just not convinced they’re allowed to want it.
If you’re standing at a crossroads
Anyone who finds themselves in that uncomfortable space where something needs to change – even if the shape of the change isn’t fully clear – is not alone.
You don’t need to be fearless. You don’t need to have a full plan. You just need to be willing to take the first step. Confidence grows from action, not the other way round.
