WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF THE LEGAL BELLETRIST
It’s a funny thing.
When we think about all the things we have accomplished in our lives – and some of the things that we haven’t accomplished (yet) – each thing has been because we either made up our minds that we were going to give it our all, or we decided that “the juice just wasn’t worth the squeeze” (a saying I have used since I was a teenager).
But the common denominator here is that it’s always been up to us. Sure, we may get help every now and again, but whether we succeed or fail has always been up to us.
So, the thing that I am pondering is this: What holds us back on the times when we don’t succeed? What is the thing that keeps us from even trying?
And it’s that “thing” that invisible barrier that we put in front of ourselves to stop ourselves that has me interested. It’s the why that has me intrigued.
I have some theories and, for some or other reason, I have the Little Miss characters in mind – as if by imagining these barriers as little characters, they are easier to boot.
Shall we dive in?
Common Barriers to Achieving our Goals (Imposter Syndrome and Fear of Failure)
It stands to reason that there will be the usual suspects when it comes to the barriers to pursuing our dreams and our goals. You know, the common miscreants that turn our confidence into gloop and our self-esteem into putty. Perhaps you have heard of them?
Little Miss Imposter Syndrome – This little number knows how to play us for fools. You know the saying “fake it ‘til you make it?”, well Little Miss Imposter Syndrome not only has her admirers singing that like their favourite tune, but believing it wholeheartedly as well.
They believe they are frauds that they will be “found out” any day now. That they are not good enough. That one day someone will find out that they were faking “it” the whole time.
Despite being excellent at their job. Despite being more than qualified. Despite being trained and proficient in their role. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, they believe they are failures. All rubbish. And yet, Little Miss Imposter Syndrome has them eating out of her outstretched hand. According to Verywellmind:
“Imposter syndrome is not a diagnosable mental illness. Instead, the term is usually narrowly applied to intelligence and achievement, although it also has links to perfectionism and the social context. It can show up in the context of work, relationships, friendships, or just overall, that holds us back from the self-confidence we’ve earned and deserve to feel. Psychologists Suzanna Imes and Pauline Rose Clance first used this term in the 1970s”.
The sweet irony here is that people that suffer from Little Miss Imposter Syndrome’s attentions are often highly accomplished, super impressive people. There is no apparent reason for them to feel like an imposter, and yet they do. This is what makes it such a challenging psychological phenomenon that needs to be unpacked.
Little Miss Fear of Failure – This Little Miss is a funny one. Because she’s slightly deceiving. You don’t realllly notice her right away because, let’s be honest, a lot of us are kind of scared of the big F. And we mean failing. Not the other F. None of us like it. Who likes failing? Sure, we may be scared to fail, and it may give us pause before we start something new, but do we have an actual fear of it? You see that’s why we say Little Miss Fear of Failure can be a tough one to crack. Little Miss Fear of Failure is a type of anxiety disorder that can manifest through thought patterns and subconscious behaviours, such as self-sabotage or procrastination.
Clinically Little Miss Fear of Failure has a “stage name.” She is known as atychiphobia. Not very showtuney we admit. But it does mean that there is an irrational and persistent fear of failing. This fear can stem from a number of sources. Sometimes it might emerge in response to a specific situation. In other cases, it might be related to another mental health condition such as anxiety or depression.
Little Miss Fear of Failure can produce emotional and behavioural symptoms – she’s fun like that. Some of her common entourage include – anxiety, avoidance (they’re cousins), feeling a loss of control as well as helplessness and powerlessness (they’re twins). In addition to emotional and behavioural symptoms, people who hang out with Little Miss Fear of Failure may also experience physical symptoms including rapid heart rate, chest tightness, trembling, dizziness, light-headedness, sweating, and digestive problems. It’s an absolute hoot!
How do you know if you and Little Miss Imposter Syndrome have met?
Well, the funny thing is, Little Miss Imposter Syndrome used to only target high-achieving women. But now, with Little Miss Imposter Syndrome becoming more well known, or rather a more widely experienced phenomenon, she has no preference. Little Miss Imposter Syndrome targets anyone, no matter their social status, work background, skill level, or degree of expertise.
If you wonder whether you and Little Miss Imposter Syndrome have become well acquainted of late, ask yourself the following questions:
- Do you agonize over even the smallest mistakes or flaws in your work?
- Do you attribute your success to luck or outside factors?
- Are you sensitive to even constructive criticism?
- Do you feel like you will inevitably be found out as a phony?
- Do you downplay your own expertise, even in areas where you are genuinely more skilled than others?
How do you know if you and Little Miss Fear of Failure have met?
Little Miss Fear of Failure is intense. You’ll know if you have met her because you will feel that a toll has been taken on your beliefs in your abilities and your motivation to pursue your goals, accompanied by:
- Low self-esteem – people who fear failure may also engage in negative self-talk or have low self-confidence that makes it difficult to pursue goals.
- Poor motivation – if someone actually fears failure, they may also experience a lack of motivation that makes it difficult to get started on projects and work toward goals. When something seems too challenging or involves learning new skills, people may simply give up or refuse to get involved before they have even begun.
- Self-sabotage – it’s not unusual to be loved by anyone…. nor is it uncommon for people who fear failure to engage in acts of self-handicapping that undermine their own chances of success. Why even try when you can sabotage instead – it’s not your fault if it’s someone else’s, right?
- Shame – Little Miss Fear of Failure is well acquainted with the fear of experiencing shame or embarrassment. Failing can trigger feelings worthlessness, so avoiding trying in the first place can sometimes serve as a way to protect the self from disappointment, regret, and sadness. A weird way to protect yourself from worse.
How do you end your relationship with Little Miss Imposter Syndrome?
The problem with Little Miss Impostor Syndrome is that the experience of doing well at something does nothing to change your beliefs. The thought still nags in your head: “What gives me the right to be here?“. The more you accomplish, the more you feel like a fraud. It’s as though you can’t internalise your experiences of success. And because imposter syndrome eats at you from the inside out, often with no outward signs of struggle, it makes it all the more important to recognise and take steps to address your ill-founded feelings. Otherwise, your feeling of false incompetence will prevent you from pursuing a professional goal that might actually be right for you. And that will only lead to more regret, more negative self-talk, more self-loathing, anxiety and eventually depression. So how do we nip this in the bud so to speak? Name and shame! Name her, call her out and let her know she is no longer welcome here! To do this, or to get to this point, you can do the following –
- Share your feelings – talk it out. Tell someone how you feel. Whether it’s a friend, family member or professional. Tell them how you feel. Irrational beliefs tend to fester when they are hidden and not talked about.
- Focus on someone else – while this might feel counterintuitive, try to help others in the same situation as you. If you see someone who seems awkward or alone, ask them a question to bring them into the group. As you practice your skills, you will build confidence in your own abilities.
- Assess your abilities – if you have long-held beliefs about your incompetence in social and performance situations, make a realistic assessment of your abilities. Get unbiased help. Write down your accomplishments and what you are good at, then compare these with your self-assessment. Seek the counsel of someone outside of your immediate support circle, who will be able to guide you unbiasedly, like Frieda Levycky of Braving Boundaries.
- Question your own thoughts – as you start to assess your abilities, start to question whether your thoughts are rational. Does it make rational sense to believe that you are a fraud given everything that you know? Does 1 + 1 = 2?
- Most importantly – Stop comparing! – every time you compare yourself to others, in whichever capacity that is, you are going to find something wrong with yourself. It’s only natural. And that will only serve to fuel the feeling of not being good enough or not belonging. Instead, focus on listening to what the other person is saying. Be genuinely interested in learning more. Open yourself up to new experiences and new people. We are all different and we can all learn from one another.
How do you end your relationship with Little Miss Fear of Failure?
The key to breaking tup with Little Miss Fear of Failure is recognising your behaviours. For some, the anxiety created by a fear of failure becomes so familiar that maintaining it feels safer than working through the underlying cause. It’s safer, it’s easier. Just maintain the status quo. It might take some time to recognise that she is bad for you, and it may take some time to recognise the signs of fearing failure in yourself. So, don’t be too hard on yourself. The symptoms can be interwoven with shame, depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem, which makes identifying a fear of failure as the root cause so hard to spot. Self-awareness and patience are crucial, but it’s also critical to be compassionate with yourself.
As with learning any new skill, it takes time. However, when you learn how to work with a fear of failure, you open the door to greater life and career satisfaction. You’ll feel more confident and better equipped to work toward achieving life goals, and you’ll ultimately experience greater life fulfilment. After you have identified the need to break up with Little Miss Fear of Failure, the next step is to work through your feelings. And you can do this by:
Accepting that failure is normal – even the most successful people experience failure. The ability to overcome obstacles and accept mistakes is a key part of achieving success. By learning from your mistakes, you’re a step closer to reaching your goals. If you fail, remind yourself that it’s normal. It’s life.
Talk to someone you trust – if you’re feeling stuck, overthinking and overwhelm can kick in. Talking to someone you trust, such as a friend, mentor, family member, or therapist, can help shed new light on your situation. Tell them about your fears and listen to their feedback. An outsider’s perspective on your challenges can change how you see things.
Remember the cost of not trying – making decisions based on a fear of failure can come at a cost. You could miss out on some of life’s great opportunities if you never try anything unfamiliar. Remember that trying and failing is often better than not trying at all.
Maintain a flexible mindset – be easy breezy lemon squeezy. Go with the flow. Approach every situation with the mindset that you can learn and grow from the experience. Be flexible enough to move with each situation. Don’t pre-judge the situation and think you’ll fail before you even start. As long as you’re willing to adapt, you’re never truly stuck in a decision.
Be afraid but do it anyway – be brave and the mighty forces will come to your aid. Or something along those lines. Sometimes you just have to put the “big person pants” on and go for it. Be brave and you’ll be surprised at what you can accomplish. Don’t let the fear stop you from the really cool things that life has to offer.
Work on taking risks – a fear of failure can make you risk averse. But taking small, healthy risks is a little less scary. More manageable. So perhaps you can take a larger risk, and break it down into smaller more manageable risks, Tackle it one small bite at a time. With practice, you’ll grow more comfortable taking a reasonable risk.
Get comfortable with rejection – every time you put yourself out there, you risk rejection. And that is normal. For us all. But if you approach it as a learning curve, every rejection becomes an opportunity to gain experience and to grow. And when has that ever been a bad thing?
Try new things – doing the same old thing is like wearing the same old trusted jersey. It fits, it’s comfy, it’s dependable and there’s no fuss. But there’s also no excitement. Get uncomfortable for a change. Try on a new “outfit” (tip – we are not talking about clothes here) and get out of your comfort zone. if you attempt new things or visit new places, you can grow more comfortable with being uncomfortable. You’ll learn something new and gain practice. While discomfort is uncomfortable, it’s also a sign that you’re expanding your horizons. And that’s a good thing!
With Little Miss Imposter Syndrome and Little Miss Fear of Failure given their marching orders, following your dreams may be a tad easier to achieve and success may be just around the corner. Who knows? Maybe Little Miss Sunshine, Little Miss Splendid and Little Miss Magic will keep you company instead. They seem like far healthier bedfellows from where we’re sitting.
But understand this – giving Little Miss Imposter Syndrome and Little Miss Fear of Failure the boot is only the first step. Working through your feelings and working on yourself, on an ongoing basis, is key. If you feel you need assistance with identifying and working through your feelings, get in touch with Frieda Levycky of Braving Boundaries who is perfectly poised to support you as you learn to manage your relationship with these toxic Little Misses.
(Sources used and to whom we owe thanks – verywellmind here and here and BetterUp).
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