Facing the fear of rejection

WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF THE LEGAL BELLETRIST 

This article forms part of “The Fears Series”. With the Fear of Rejection being so prevalent for many people, we’ve written two articles on the topic: one from Frieda’s perspective (Founder of Braving Boundaries) and one from Alicia’s perspective (Founder of the Legal Belletrist). Take a read.

I was born with rejection as my shroud, and I feel like I’ve worn it ever since.

My mother was adopted as a baby, and I don’t think she ever forgave the universe for this fact. It’s defined her as a person, just like having red(ish) hair defines me. In a way. It’s as if it’s tattooed on her forehead. Like an expiration date on a milk carton. And for some reason, when I came into the world, I was meant to not only be her redeemer, her saviour but the one she could bat this fact against – as if she was bouncing a ball against a wall, expecting it to come right back to her. Almost like playing fetch.

It was always her and me against the world. And I know how sweet that sounds. Mother and daughter, two peas in a pod. Until it’s not so sweet. Until it really is you and her against everyone. Until you’re made to believe that no one else could ever care about you like she could. Until you’re made to believe that no one else has your best interests at heart. Including your father. Until you’re made to believe that only she will tell you the truth, will help you succeed, will be there for you. Will ever love you. 

It’s a lonely place. Your world. Especially when there’s only one other person in it. And she’s sucking all the air out the room.

My experiences with the fear of rejection

Growing up with a mother who is a textbook narcissist and compulsive liar with Munchausen syndrome is not for the faint at heart. 

When you’re a little girl, especially an only child, you’re so susceptible to the things that your mother says and does – as William Makepeace Thackeray said, “Mother is G-d in the eyes of a child.”

As all my friends went to children’s parties, I would be stuck at home. But my mother would always go – it was the right thing to do. Apparently. I was always “sick in bed” even when I wasn’t. When I asked why I wasn’t invited, my mother told me that the birthday girl/boy didn’t want me there. Strike one. 

When I was 9 it became difficult to hear. I started to sit really close to the TV just so I could read lips. If my head was turned away from you, I probably wouldn’t hear you. It turned out that I needed to wear hearing aids. Well one at least, in my left ear. When I got it, my mother was furious. It cost them a lot of money, money they needed for other things. And I didn’t really need it. I had lied. I was looking for attention. Rich coming from her. What child lies about needing a hearing aid? I was teased horrendously to boot. Strike two.

When I started to go through puberty, I matured quicker than all the other girls my age. I got a lot of attention from older boys. Before I could even kiss my first boy, my mother scolded me – no one likes a slut – “when you lay down with dogs, you get their fleas”. Then as I got a bit older her friend was the mother of boys my age and she would come home to tell me – all the boys were talking about you today; they say your bum is too big and your hair isn’t straight enough. You know no boy wants to date a fat girl. Confidence blown. Strike three. 

With my very first boyfriend, who of course she didn’t approve of – he will never treat you right and will never care about you. Not like I do. Turns out he wasn’t the nicest guy. He hit me – always in places no one could see. He tortured me emotionally, cheated on me constantly over the couple of years we were together. And when we broke up, he told me he never loved me. Almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. And you’re outta here……

Every exam I ever wrote my mother (and father) would remind me how much money they were spending on me – despite me taking out a student loan so that I could study law – and that failing wasn’t an option because they didn’t have the money to bail me out. Also, they warned – who wants to be with a “failure” a “loser”? The dug out is my home now…. 

When I applied to do articles – something you need to do in South Africa, 2 years of training before you can be admitted as an attorney – my parents asked me what I had that would make any of the large law firms take me on? I honestly didn’t have an answer. Are there any other baseball references?

When I was in a room full of other lawyers, I always felt like there was a sign above my head saying – imposter here. I didn’t belong in the same room as other legal eagles, the ones who had made partner and were driving the new BMW. We had written the same exams, studied the same textbooks and yet I, I don’t know sneaked through the side door when no one was looking. At least, that’s how I felt. 

There are countless more stories. Stories behind the scenes. Stories of – the world out there will never accept you, but I will – even with all your flaws. And boy she was so quick to point out the flaws. In detail. But in front of people, it was – you’re beautiful, you’re perfect, you’re my angel from heaven. I support you. I love you. I am your ever devoted mother. And best friend. So sweet. 

But it was all lies. 

So many lies it’s hard for the mind to comprehend. In fact, at 42, I have only now discovered the full extent of all the lies and manipulation and deceit. It’s been a long, rocky, heartbreaking road. 

What I can tell you from all of this is – I have always felt rejected long before anyone even had the chance to actually reject me. I expected it. The no’s didn’t surprise me – why would they? The you’re not right for this, not a good fit, it’s not you it’s me – insert rejection here – none of it surprised me. It kind of just went with the narrative– just like my mother’s biological mother rejected her, the world would reject me. Maybe that was my mothers’ intention the whole time. It makes sense. In retrospect.

So, when someone didn’t reject me, it was such a surprise. I often couldn’t believe how lucky I was – even when the person or the position was very wrong for me. This has led to a lifetime of bad relationships, abuse – physical and emotional, poor job choices, abuse at the workplace, always doing more than what I should be doing personally and professionally, always scared of asking for days off or asking for a raise, eating disorders, self-harm and later diagnosis of generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder and depression.

Is it any wonder?

Overcoming the fear of rejection

Look, I know this sounds like I’m parent bashing. And I’m sure there will be people saying – how long will she blame her mother for her own failings? Eventually we all have to take responsibility for our own lives, right?

Right. 

So, let’s put things into perspective. 

It wasn’t all bad. I do have happy memories of my parents. They always went “all out” for my Birthdays. Those were such happy days. And for a while – and despite everything that happened – I was close to them in my 20’s and early 30’s. And that’s what makes “zero contact” so hard. Because I miss them. I miss who I thought they were. And there are times when I feel so lost and so alone that all I want is to contact them. But I can’t. Because they are still who they are. And I am who I am. Or who I am trying to be without them. 

Somehow, amidst everything, I managed to find the most amazing man – a gentle, kind, caring, loving man, who treats me like a Queen. And he loves me. More than I ever thought I deserved. We have been together for 16 years and happily married for 12. So, my mother was wrong there. 

I have built a business from the ground up, with nothing but an idea . And I have made it work. Not only that, but I get to do something I love every single day.. Again, my mother was wrong there too. 

Because when everything else fails and you have no one but yourself to rely on, you step up. You become your own saviour. You pick your own damn self up off the ground and you make it happen. There’s no one else in the world – no matter how much they love you – that can make a success out of your life other than you. 

So that’s what I did. 

It’s something I have learnt to do. I had to. 

I’ve learnt how to make myself shine brighter than the things that my mother said. I’ve learnt to be louder than the deafening silence that is my father sitting idly by. And I’ve learnt to accept that this is my life. No one else’s. And I get to choose how I want to lead it. 

So, nowadays when I hear a no, I take an unemotional, educated view of why it was a no and learn from it. Take the lesson with me as I move forward. It’s not personal. It’s just a no. 

Because no one and nothing will ever again take my power away! For me that is what the fear of rejection is – giving your power away. 

Look, it’s hard to feel unwanted. It’s even harder to feel like you’re not worthy. But from personal experience I can say this wholeheartedly – I would rather it be a no and avoid another bad fit than have it be a yes and find myself in another horrible situation. 

Knowing your true worth – which does take some work, believe me – means knowing that a no, that a perceived rejection, is not necessarily a bad thing. 

The are two quotes from two of my heroes that I want to leave you with – 

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” – Dita Von Teese

“You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.” – Walt Disney