Only the Lonely – the Fear of Loneliness

WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF THE LEGAL BELLETRIST 

As Roy Orbison croons his famous song “Only the Lonely”, the lyrics will hit differently for different people. Some of us will listen to the song and instantly feel a kinship with Orbison knowing full well what it feels like to miss the warmth of someone next to us. Or the yearning to be someone’s darling, their sweetheart, their “one”. 

When he sings – 

“Only the lonely
Know the way I feel tonight
Only the lonely
Know this feeling ain’t right”.

We feel the breaking of his heart and can empathise with the thought that the feeling isn’t right. Shouldn’t be right. Can’t be right – live this life alone, without your person? No way!

And then there are the rest of us that understand the sentiment that being alone doesn’t necessarily mean we’re lonely. Perhaps it’s an only child thing – you grow up, ostensibly alone. You learn to be ok with that, comfortable in your own space and in the silence that it offers. You have your – often vivid – imagination to keep you company. 

But there’s no denying that at some point in your life – an only child or not – the idea of being alone is frightening. For different reasons. But it’s a reality all of us face at one point or another. 

The difference is how it affects you. For some, the fear of being alone will be so all-consuming that it will be classified as a phobia – like other phobias such as arachnophobia – known as monophobia.

One thing is for sure – only the lonely know the way it feels tonight…

The phobia – monophobia

Verywellmind describes monophobia (also known as autophobia) as a severe, irrational fear of being alone. So much so that this fear could impact your normal day-to-day life.

It can refer to several fears which may or may not share a common cause, like the fear of:

• Being apart from a particular person;
• Being home alone;
• Being in public by yourself;
• Feeling isolated or ignored;
• Experiencing danger while alone;
• Living alone;
• Loneliness, and
• Solitude.

Granted, being diagnosed with monophobia is a little different to waking up Bridget Jones style in your late 30’s (40’s, 50’s – insert age here) wondering where your Mr. Right (or indeed Mrs. Right or simply “Right Person”) is. But the sentiment is the same – it’s the degree of severity that distinguishes the phobia from simply being alone (which is not simple at all). 

This loneliness is killing me

When Britney Spears sang those famous lyrics in Baby One More Time, I’m sure she didn’t think that the feeling of loneliness could be so desperate. But it can be. 

As we head towards the Festive Time of year, shops around town are hanging up tinsel and bells, wreaths and lights, there’s a merriment in the air. A bringing together of families – regardless of whether you celebrate Christmas or not – a hunkering down of sorts while you all collectively wait to ring in the New Year. And with all this merriment there is a sense, a need to belong – to someone mostly. Looking forward to late mornings in bed as you while away the time on Boxing Day and New Years Day – all the better spent with someone you love. 

This sentiment of the time of year can have a lot of us feeling glum. Especially those of us who aren’t attached to someone else. Not being attached. It sounds so blasé. And is anything but. 

Some of us haven’t met our one yet, despite all attempts to the contrary – too much work, too little time, too many apps, not enough face time. High expectations, low self-esteems. It’s hard out there. So, we throw ourselves into work, into exercise, into jazzercise, into rock climbing, into [insert activity here] just so that we fill the time with something. Anything. Instead of focusing on ourselves. On how we can make ourselves better, happier, more adjusted. You want to find your person. Not just any person. The right person. And perhaps to do that, you need to start with you. And that’s a scary thing. Because is it really you? Or them? Or just society’s fault? Why are you still single?

Some of us are coming out of a break-up or divorce. The heartbreak still well and truly set in – regardless of who did the leaving. It’s the coming apart – it feels like from the seams – your lives turned upside down as you try to forget how someone likes their coffee (or tea), as you stop buying their favourite cereal or biscuits. It’s the uncoupling that hurts so badly. Like you’re suddenly missing your pinkie. You can get on without it but it’s far more useful to have it on your hand. It also looks better – aesthetically anyway. And suddenly it’s the realisation that you are – once again – on the market. A “For Sale” sign squarely on your front lawn. And the prospect of having potential buyers coming on over to look at what you have to offer has you filled with fear – what if I’m doomed to be single? What if no one else will ever love me? 

And still, some of us are only just about ready to come up for air. If that’s what it is. Air – what’s the use of air? What’s the use in breathing without them? What’s the use of lungs or eyes, or hearts if there’s no one to look at, no one to love, no one to breathe for? Some of us have lost our “Plus One’s”. No. That doesn’t sound right. Our person. Our only person. And it feels like we have been swallowed up by the sea, thrown around by the waves, fighting – but not really – to get back to the shores. A broken person where a couple once stood. It’s funny how death makes angels of us all, redeeming even the worst fights, forgiving misdemeanors and words said but not meant. And now as we look to our future, alone for the first time in a long time, reality sets in. You are on your own. And that’s enough to make any one of us want to stay in our dark rooms like the Miss Havisham of the Upper West Side.

Being alone looks different for all of us. We all have our stories, our feelings of loss, or feelings of not belonging. It hits differently for all of us. Just like Orbison’s song. But the underlying feeling that connects us all in this loneliness is the need to belong. To a person, to a group of people, to a cause. It’s the need to connect, to make a connection to another person, or people. It’s the need to be seen. That’s what connects us as we all travel in tubes, buses and railways looking to make our ways back home.

Hopefully to a home that doesn’t echo the sounds of silence. 

How can you counter your fear of loneliness?

It’s clear that as human beings we find solace and comfort amongst others – we’re social creatures after all, (well most of us anyways).

We thrive within communities of like-minded people and in healthy relationships. When we feel isolated from other people – during times of loss or grief, break-ups or mishaps – it can take a toll on us both mentally (emotionally) as well as physically. Your stress levels can go soaring, triggering anxiety and depression, thereby increasing your risk for heart disease and stroke.

Now let’s be clear about something quickly – you can feel lonely for any number of reasons not discussed above. Moving to a new city for work, attending college far from home, not having friends close enough to divulge your feelings to, being isolated due to an illness, being housebound due to a disability, being lonely because your social anxiety sends you running for the comfort of your own home rather than face the awkwardness of a crowd.  Or you just feel an existential loneliness that you can’t shake. Like even though you’re surrounded by friends and loved ones, you still feel lonely. Or maybe you’re just working so hard that you often find yourself eating a piece of chicken (out of the bag) over the kitchen sink at midnight, right before you take the quickest shower known to man so that you can get at least 4 hours’ worth of sleep before your day starts again – this kind of lifestyle often comes with less human interaction than one might like. 

And it stands to reason that in any number of situations, one would fear that this feeling of loneliness is here to stay. And for some of us, that feeling is too much to bear.

Tackling your fear of loneliness often involves looking inwards. It involves working on yourself first and it often involves big bold steps into the unknown to make the changes you need in order to gain the connections desired. But there are things that you can do today to face your fear of loneliness, and they include – 

I’m not lonely when I’m alone

As an only child, I feel it’s my duty to point out that some of us enjoy our own company. We even prefer it. 

I may – on occasion – look foreboding (it’s all by design) and seem to repel unnecessary human interaction, but I do actually like people. And have been known to be quite the chatterbox. But because I grew up alone without siblings and am the oldest of the grandkids, being on my own is normal for me. I married another only child (as one should – we are a different breed of people I think) who is also comfortable in his own skin. So, we choose to be together rather than being dependent on one another for company – if that makes sense.

My husband fishes a lot and as a fishing widow I’m often left to my own devices – which is a dangerous thing. I can go days without muttering a syllable to another human being (my cats on the other hand can’t get me to shut up). The point I’m making is that I am on my own a lot but that doesn’t mean I’m lonely. My mental health issues have forced me to put in the work on myself. And now, years later, with all my flaws, I realise I like myself and like my own company. 

I welcome interactions with friends and love seeing loved ones, I love my hubby – so I welcome the social interaction but I’m also happy enough with who I am to know that I’ll be ok on my own. Does that make sense?

It’s important to make that distinction. Because being alone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lonely. Sometimes it’s a choice.

With all that said, loneliness is something we all feel at some point. It’s real and those feelings are valid. It’s what you do about those feelings that will determine whether you join Orbison crooning about his heartache and sorrow or whether you combat your fear of being alone by joining a group or volunteering your time – focusing on your own self-development as a cure.

It was Irish poet Brendan Behan that said – 

“At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one’s lost self.” 

So, let’s reclaim loneliness as a natural, human emotion that most of us feel at some point or another and instead use it to connect us to our innermost selves and to one other in a deeper, more meaningful way. Focus on you and allow the deep connections to flow….

(Sources used and to whom we owe thanks – Cigna; Mind; Mental Health Foundation; HelpGuide.org; Tony Robbins and Fearless Living).