Spotting the Signs: How to be there for a friend who’s struggling

WRITTEN BY Frieda Levycky, Founder of Braving Boundaries

I remember sitting in the hairdresser’s chair watching my hair fall away in dark lengths onto the floor. I hadn’t planned it. I’d gone in for a trim and left with a pixie crop and, somewhere in between, I’d also booked myself in for a tattoo. Two impulsive decisions in the same week and both of them felt strangely calm at the time. It was only when I got home and caught my own reflection in the mirror that the calm gave way and the tears started to flow. I barely recognised the woman looking back at me.

Have you ever done something a little wild when everything else in your life felt completely out of your control?

I want to tell you what was really going on for me that week because I think it says something about how a struggling mind can show up. Sometimes it’s tears, sometimes it’s going quiet and sometimes it’s a radical haircut and tattoo because life has started to come apart and you don’t quite know what else to do.

The unravelling before the haircut

The story behind that week went back a few years and, like most of these things, it built up slowly before it came to a head. In 2011, I was dumped for the first time and, in hindsight, it was the trigger for a run of relationships that were never going to work out … not in my wildest fantasies. Then, early in 2014, I’d been seeing someone for only six weeks when he ended it and the wave of emotions that followed were completely out of proportion to how long we’d actually been together. Strangely, that was the thing that finally got me into counselling and I’m grateful for it now.

By the summer of 2014, I’d started seeing him again. It was still complicated. He was working through his own separation and couldn’t commit to anything and I found myself in that weird limbo where you’re neither properly in a relationship nor properly out of one. I asked work if I could go and cover a role in Singapore for a month using the very convenient excuse that the head of legal happened to be on holiday. It was an easy step in professionally since I knew the region and the team well but, if I’m honest, it was really just an easy way to run away from my own life for a while.

I was in a rough place. I was distracted, barely eating and looking gaunt in a way that worried me every time I caught sight of myself. I think what I really wanted was to feel something: loved, different, attractive … and to do something a little extreme to prove to myself I was still in control. I told myself I was completely comfortable with both decisions. To be fair, the tattoo was something I’d wanted for a long time and had nothing alarming about it, though the timing certainly didn’t go unnoticed by anyone who knew me well. The haircut was different though. That was decided entirely in the chair, on a whim, with no plan behind it at all.

For a moment, it felt like relief. It felt lighter in every sense of the word. It was only when I got home and saw myself properly in the mirror that I burst into tears. What had I done? I could feel myself start panicking about what people would think and convinced myself that I’d made myself even less attractive than before. It reminded me of my mum after my dad left us. She’d dyed her hair to try to look younger and prettier, but the bleach had turned her beautiful silvery-grey hair a faint, unfortunate green instead. Needless to say, it just made her feel worse. There’s something very human about reaching for the one thing you think you can control when everything else has slipped from your grip (even when it doesn’t quite go to plan).

Signs someone is struggling with their mental health

Poor mental health doesn’t always look like poor mental health. Often it shows up as something else entirely and it’s easy to miss if you’re not looking.

• • • A sudden, noticeable change in weight, up or down, can be one signal often less about food itself and more about finding some sense of control when everything else feels unmanageable.
    • Drinking or taking recreational drugs more than usual can be another. It can be a way of taking the edge off feelings that are otherwise too much to sit with.
    • A sudden enthusiasm for extreme exercise or punishing new routines can serve much the same purpose as changes in eating. It can redivert the pain into something more tangible / physical and it can certainly feel better than dealing with what’s going on inside. Read next month’s article for more about that.
    • Pulling away from plans and people, a striking change in appearance, a shorter temper than usual or a dip in how someone’s managing at work can all be worth a second look too.

None of these things mean anything on their own and I’d hate for anyone reading this to start diagnosing their loved ones from a checklist. However, taken together or noticed as a change from someone’s usual way of behaving are things that are worth paying attention to. The Mental Health Foundation makes a good point in their guidance on supporting someone struggling: waiting and hoping they’ll come to you can lose valuable time, so it’s better to check in a little earlier than you think you need to rather than waiting until you’re certain.

How to support a friend who’s struggling

Since that week, I’ve thought a lot about what I truly needed from the people around me at the time and what actually helped. So, here’s what I’d suggest based on own experience and from research on peer support:

• • • Be kind: If you think someone is struggling, the first thing is simply to be kind. Start by checking in with the person rather than highlighting the fact that you can tell they’re not ok. You may not be the person they want to talk to about whatever it is and that’s fine. You might be, eventually, but they may simply not be ready yet. Either way, your job isn’t to get them to open up. It’s just to be there and be kind so that when they are ready, you’re one of the people they can come to.
    • Actually listen: When someone’s ready to open up, listen … but without jumping in to fill the silence. Approaches like Mental Health First Aid put listening right at the very start, before anything else. It’s tempting to fill a pause with your own experiences or reassurances the minute they stop talking. Resist that. What matters most isn’t what you say back, it’s about allowing them to process their story.
    • Try not to rush in to fix it: Most of us want to solve the problem the second we hear about it because we care and it hurts to watch someone struggle. I struggle with this too. What people usually need first though is to feel heard … not managed or fixed.

• • • Don’t shy away from the harder subjects: There’s a persistent myth that talking about self-harm or difficult feelings might somehow put negative ideas in someone’s head. The evidence actually says the opposite: that letting someone talk honestly (even if it’s uncomfortable for you too) tends to ease the weight rather than add to it.
    • Keep showing up: One check-in is rarely enough. If you can see they are still struggling, check-in again the following week, even if the first encounter felt difficult. People struggling remember those that keep showing up at a time of crisis and knowing they’ve been thought about helps.
    • Know your limits too: You’re a friend not a therapist. If the issues feel bigger than you can handle, suggest they see a GP or counsellor and offer to help them book it if that makes it easier.

I was lucky enough to have good friends around me who spotted the signs and I had a counsellor in place so there was somewhere to process the difficult emotions and beliefs. Not everyone has that. Some people are struggling and feel they have nowhere to turn and you might be the only one who notices before things get harder than they need to.

You don’t need the perfect words and you don’t need a plan for fixing anything. Just notice, be kind and keep showing up. Most of the time, that’s enough.