The Fear of Success – why are you afraid of being the best you?

WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF THE LEGAL BELLETRIST 

Picture this – you are contacted by a prestigious corporate association – or something similar – to speak at an upcoming legal forum. Not just to speak at the forum, to be the speaker at the forum. And it’s on a topic that you have researched countless times, speak about constantly and on which you have plenty of opinions. To top it off, the organisers are the nicest ladies and make you feel so comfortable. It would be a brilliant opportunity for your little business – you would get a lot of exposure. Free publicity in a sense. It would catapult your business a few steps forward and is exactly what you need. 

Only you would need to attend the forum in person. 

The problem with this is twofold (well multiple fold if there is such a thing). Your self-confidence is at an all-time low. Since being diagnosed with an autoimmune condition – which has left your joints and bones in literal pins and needles and constant pain – you don’t feel like yourself. Being on a stage is the last thing you want to do. 

The other problem is that your immune system is essentially non-existent. Especially in Winter. Which means you’re picking up every little virus, bug or disease that happens to be circulating. So, being out in public, especially amid a big crowd is a bad idea. There are ways around this of course, but you can’t bring yourself to help yourself.

You convince yourself of other reasons that you simply can’t commit to the event. And you justify them with a number of real reasons. Reasons that you could get over, in truth. And then just as soon as the opportunity came your way, it disappears in an instant.

Here’s the thing – and it’s kind of weird to say – I was a little worried about what would happen afterwards. Would my work-life balance be upended once again because I take on too much? I want to succeed (really badly), and I have all the right tools at my disposal to make it happen. I just can’t get out of my own way.

It’s a hard thing to come to terms with because no one wants to admit that they are the ones that could be secretly sabotaging their own success out of fear. But many people experience a hidden, yet powerful force called “fear of success.” Self-efficacy, or the belief in one’s ability to achieve goals, plays a significant role in this fear.

It takes a lot of self-awareness to recognise this kind of fear. Most people have never considered that a fear of success could be holding them back. But I swear to you it just may be. 

So, what is the fear of success?

And it makes sense if you think about it – expectations of success are often based on the idea that achieving your goals means making sacrifices or enduring losses. Ultimately to get what you desire you have to give up something else, right? It’s therefore not surprising that people would be wary of what success might ultimately cost them. 

The fear of success was first diagnosed by Psychologist Matina Horner during the early 1970s. Her findings, especially as they related to fear of success in women at that time, were incredibly controversial. Since then, however, most scientists and psychologists agree that fear of success exists for both men and women.

The key dimension in Horner’s (1970; Journal of Social Issues, 28(2), 157–175, 1972) studies was gender.  In a current study (2023) (which further develops Horner’s theory), the key dimension is social class. It was hypothesised that individuals from socio-economically disadvantaged backgrounds fear that, for them, success will lead to alienation from their community, and the loss of identity and loss of overall sense of belonging within their culture. 

Eleven participants took part in the current study, three males and eight females. The majority of participants believed that they would have to make vast life changes, in order to facilitate their views of desired success. The participants’ fear was rooted in what they perceived as the “consequences of success.” These participants occupied a “trade-off mindset;” for these young people, success meant leaving their family, friends, community, and culture behind. The thought of losing this “connection” and sense of belonging was expressed with noticeable anxiety.

(my emphasis)

As we can tell from the above extract from the study, fear of success is most often the fear of the possible change or consequences of success. It’s an anticipation of how others — and oneself — will respond to the success. The concern is that achieving success will come at the cost of something else valued in one’s life. In many ways, it’s similar to the fear of failure.

Sometimes the fear of success can be obvious. Other times it can lie just below the surface, noted in patterns of thought and/or actions repeated by the individual. It takes a high level of self-awareness to identify your own fear of success.

How the fear of success can manifest in your life

1. Avoidance – you may avoid being the centre of attention, being praised, or use other avoidance strategies like the plague; 
2. Procrastination – you may put off starting and/or completing a project. As a result of your procrastination, the opportunity may be missed altogether, or the end product may be an epic failure, either way you didn’t perform to the best of your ability; 
3. Perfectionism – you may believe that you are keeping the bar high but by holding an impossibly high standard of perfection, the outcome will inevitably be disappointing. To you and everyone else. 
4. Quitting – it’s easier to quit just as the goal comes into sight than to complete the job and let the chips fall where they may, right? 
5. Self-sabotage – this is a big one. You get in your own way All. The. Time. Setting obstacles in your own way so that it becomes impossible to succeed. You set yourself up to fail; 
6. Self -destructiveness – at its worst, the fear of success may involve self-destructive behaviour. Left unchecked, that derails any real opportunity for success. Again, you set yourself up to fail time and time again. 
7. Reluctance to Set Goals: setting big goals seems scary, or arrogant or you just never make the time for it. It might be because setting such goals brings a clear pathway to success, and not setting them is a way to avoid facing the fear of achieving success. 
8. Feeling Unworthy: you harbour the misguided belief that you don’t deserve success. You decline to speak at that big meeting or to be a guest on that podcast because you don’t feel good enough. It can prevent you from pursuing opportunities wholeheartedly and might make you feel like an imposter in your own life.

What causes your fear of success?

How can you overcome your fear of success?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?”

A powerful quote because it demands that we ask more of ourselves. It demands that we have self-confidence because we are worthy. Beyond imagination. In fact, it tells us that we are powerful beyond measure. And that realisation can be a lot for us to bear.  

Because the fear of success is very real. It’s also very common. Coming to terms with it, dealing with it and learning how to overcome it can be a lifelong journey. One that you must take with self-compassion, perseverance, persistence, resilience and a big helping of self-belief in order to live a life where you are your best you through and through.

(Sources used and to whom we owe thanks: Calmer You; Very Well Mind;  Better Up; Mind Tools; Healthline; Research Gate).