<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?><rss version="2.0" xmlns:content="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/content/" xmlns:wfw="http://wellformedweb.org/CommentAPI/" xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/" xmlns:atom="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom" xmlns:sy="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/syndication/" xmlns:slash="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/slash/" > <channel> <title>self-confidence Archives - Braving Boundaries</title> <atom:link href="https://bravingboundaries.com/tag/self-confidence/feed/" rel="self" type="application/rss+xml" /> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/tag/self-confidence/</link> <description>PROFESSIONAL LIFE COACHING & TRAINING</description> <lastBuildDate>Wed, 09 Feb 2022 10:51:57 +0000</lastBuildDate> <language>en-ZA</language> <sy:updatePeriod> hourly </sy:updatePeriod> <sy:updateFrequency> 1 </sy:updateFrequency> <image> <url>https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Asset-1.svg</url> <title>self-confidence Archives - Braving Boundaries</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/tag/self-confidence/</link> <width>32</width> <height>32</height> </image> <item> <title>The Naked Lawyer: When I met my Judge!</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/the-naked-lawyer-judgment-free/</link> <comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/the-naked-lawyer-judgment-free/#comments</comments> <dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Thu, 29 Apr 2021 08:02:39 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Lawyer Life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Lessons Learned]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-reflection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[work-life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[attorney]]></category> <category><![CDATA[attorney life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[attorneys]]></category> <category><![CDATA[awareness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[big law]]></category> <category><![CDATA[big law life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[body image]]></category> <category><![CDATA[body worries]]></category> <category><![CDATA[braving boundaries]]></category> <category><![CDATA[camping]]></category> <category><![CDATA[camping with dogs]]></category> <category><![CDATA[clothing optional]]></category> <category><![CDATA[confidence]]></category> <category><![CDATA[executive coaching]]></category> <category><![CDATA[female lawyers]]></category> <category><![CDATA[insecurities]]></category> <category><![CDATA[judge]]></category> <category><![CDATA[judgement]]></category> <category><![CDATA[judgment]]></category> <category><![CDATA[judgment detox]]></category> <category><![CDATA[judgment free]]></category> <category><![CDATA[judgment free zone]]></category> <category><![CDATA[klipfontein]]></category> <category><![CDATA[land cruiser]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer coach]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer lifestyle]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer problems]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer tips]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyers]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lessons learned]]></category> <category><![CDATA[life coach]]></category> <category><![CDATA[life coaching]]></category> <category><![CDATA[life lessons]]></category> <category><![CDATA[naked]]></category> <category><![CDATA[narrow mindedness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[naturist]]></category> <category><![CDATA[naturist campsite]]></category> <category><![CDATA[no judgment]]></category> <category><![CDATA[nudist]]></category> <category><![CDATA[open mind]]></category> <category><![CDATA[open minded]]></category> <category><![CDATA[open mindedness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[open-mind]]></category> <category><![CDATA[open-minded]]></category> <category><![CDATA[outdoor camping]]></category> <category><![CDATA[positive intelligence]]></category> <category><![CDATA[rustic camping]]></category> <category><![CDATA[saboteurs]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self awareness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-awareness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-compassion]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-confidence]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-conscious]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-imposed limitations]]></category> <category><![CDATA[south africa camping]]></category> <category><![CDATA[tulbagh]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/female-leaders-in-the-workplace-how-do-we-break-through-copy/</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>Meet the Naked Lawyer (and her Judge)! Welcome to camping with a twist - where clothing is optional and an open mind is a necessity.</p> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-naked-lawyer-judgment-free/">The Naked Lawyer: When I met my Judge!</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[ <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <p>I’ve thought long and hard about whether or not I should write this article. Ironically, for fear of judgment. And rejection. But I’ve learned some important lessons about myself over the last 4 days. And I always believe it is important to share those important lessons when learnt. </p> <p>So, here it goes.</p> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"></h2> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>Camping with a twist</strong></h2> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img fetchpriority="high" decoding="async" width="1024" height="768" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/2-1024x768.png" alt="" class="wp-image-2827"/></figure> <p>The 27 April is a Public Holiday in South Africa – <em>Freedom Day </em>– a day which commemorates the country’s first democratic elections after the apartheid era. This year it happened to fall on a Tuesday, so we decided to make a long weekend out of it.</p> <p>As some of you know, we have recently bought an old Land Cruiser which is fully kitted out with a roof top tent and awning. We both love traveling and exploring new locations, but feel guilty leaving our 3 rescue dogs behind. The land cruiser was an ideal solution. And last weekend was the perfect opportunity for our first adventure.</p> <p><em>And what an adventure it was!</em></p> <p>As is typical for us, we ended up leaving arrangements to the last minute. Having trawled through the internet for dog-friendly campsites and contacted numerous agents for assistance, we managed to find a beautiful campsite in <a href="https://www.booking.com/hotel/za/klipfontein-farm.en-gb.html" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Klipfontein, Tulbagh</a>, about 90 minutes outside of Cape Town. The pictures looked beautiful. There was tonnes of space for the dogs to run. And it was a no kids’ zone! Perfect when you have dogs who use children as ten-pin bowling practice!</p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>The </strong><strong><em>bare</em></strong><strong> necessities</strong></h2> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="768" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/3-1024x768.png" alt="" class="wp-image-2828"/></figure> <p>The booking confirmation came through and immediately my face flushed red: “<strong>CLOTHING OPTIONAL</strong>”. And you’d think as a lawyer I would have read the small print! How was I going to explain this?!</p> <p>Now, one thing you should know about me is that, when embarrassed, my reaction is to burst out laughing (you’ll see how inappropriate this trait is later) – and this had me in fits. I awkwardly explained to Justin what I’d done and – to my surprise – he took it in his stride: <em>“<strong>Best give the dogs’ nails a trim then</strong>”! </em></p> <p>So, after having a good giggle about the error of my ways with a few of our close friends, we headed off to Tulbagh. The car was full to the brim: dog beds, tables, cooking equipment and ironically two full suitcases of clothes. Well, it did say clothing was optional – and I fully intended to embrace this option!</p> <p>As we arrived, I could already feel the nervous laughter rising from the pit of my stomach. <em>“<strong>Just behave Frieda. Nudity is a perfectly natural state</strong>”</em> – I said to myself. But, frankly, nothing can prepare you for walking around a corner smack into a very naked man. Especially when he is a stranger. I burst out laughing! Oh my goodness, I had no idea where to look. Fortunately, I could pass off the laughter as fright from the collision. But thank heavens for my COVID mask! </p> <p>The gentleman was super kind and found the owners for us who, in turn, explained the layout of the campsite, fetched us firewood, came to meet the dogs, and helped us locate a braai pit (barbecue pit for non-South Africans). </p> <p>We explained to them that this was our first time venturing into a naturist campsite and that we hadn’t actually realised it was an <em>au natural </em>camp at the time of booking. They were incredibly kind and re-emphasised the fact that clothing was optional. <em>No one would judge</em> <em>us </em>if we chose to keep our clothes on. Or if we braved taking them off. There was 50 hectares of land so we could be as secluded as we liked. </p> <p>But, the toilets, showers and wifi were only located in the main campsite. Where every other naturist would be….</p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>Shaken but not stirred!</strong></h2> <p>I must say, having got the initial interaction out of the way, my discomfort levels rapidly decreased. We did opt for a secluded spot under the willows opposite the main campsite. Partly for the dogs. But mainly to ease ourselves into these new surroundings. </p> <p>Having established camp, we ventured into the main campsite to familiarise ourselves with the lay of the land. No sooner had we arrived, we were offered pancakes and a beer, asked if any assistance was required, and engaged in conversation. </p> <p>The openness and friendliness of the camping community was quite different to our normal camping experience. Usually, people tend to acknowledge each other by a nod of the head, but generally try to avoid engaging in social niceties. This was a refreshing change. And the conversation was a lot more honest and open because <em><strong>eye contact was consciously maintained!</strong></em> (But yes, I couldn’t resist having a peek or two – oh come on, so would you!)!</p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>Meeting my judge</strong></h2> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="768" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/4-1024x768.png" alt="The Naked Lawyer - When I met my Judge!" class="wp-image-2829"/></figure> <p>By Day 2, we’d plucked up the courage to give it a whirl. The sun was shining. We were in our secluded spot. We felt safe. And if we weren’t going to experience this now, then when were we ever going to? So off came our clothes! </p> <p>It felt so foreign and triggered every single one of my insecurities:</p> <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>“What would people say if they find out?”</li><li>“What would they think of me?”</li><li>“How is this going to damage my reputation?”</li><li>“People are going to think I’m weird!”</li><li>“You’re no Cindy Crawford! Keep your clothes on and don’t go and offend society!”</li></ul> <p><strong><em>Isn’t it amazing how harshly we judge ourselves, each other and uncomfortable situations</em>? </strong>All those negative assumptions that we carry around with us. We are so conscious of what other people think about us that I can only imagine how often our “judge” prevents us from trying out new things or stepping outside of society’s expectations.</p> <p>But rather than reaching for my clothes, I pushed myself to see how long I could last. I’m in a fortunate position to be training in <a href="https://www.positiveintelligence.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Positive Intelligence</a> at the moment – which directly explores the limitations which our Judge and supporting saboteurs impose on the way we see the world. As such, I have a tonne of exercises that I can tap into to calm my survival brain (which encourages fight, flight or freeze actions) and activate my PQ brain which views things from a much more empathetic, curious, creative, fearless and clear-headed perspective.</p> <p>Yes, the first few conversations were a little awkward, but gradually the discomfort of seeing multiple naked bodies dissipated. It wasn’t threatening, sexual or perverse – which is (admittedly) what I had sub-consciously expected. It was a judgment-free community which had erased all of societies airs and graces. </p> <p>These people were comfortable with who they were. They were comfortable with their bodies – which crossed all dimensions of society: race, size, culture, age, gender. There was no automatic assumption of positions or the status you held in society by the clothes you wore. <strong><em>Everyone was on a level playing field – something which we rarely experience in this day and age.</em></strong></p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>Judging others: It says more about you</strong></h2> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="768" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/5-1024x768.png" alt="Meeting your judge" class="wp-image-2830"/></figure> <p>The weekend not only opened our eyes to a new experience, but it also shed light on how I judge myself and others around me. And I should say that I consider myself to be pretty open-minded. The lessons I learned were the following:</p> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-1 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="1024" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/1-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1486"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p></p> <p><strong>I’m a lot less concerned about my cellulite when the rest of my body is on show!</strong> My body is also in pretty good nick – so I should probably embrace that!</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-2 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="1024" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/2-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1487"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>Honest and powerful conversations come when you make eye contact.</strong> Granted, I was consciously conversing at eye level – but my goodness, I realised how little we actually look people straight in the eye when we talk to them. We are forever scanning people. Looking around. Multi-tasking whilst having a conversation. Rarely do we focus just on the conversation at hand. Try it out – you’ll see the difference.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-3 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/3-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1488"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>We assume so much about a person based on how they dress</strong>; what they do; where they live; what car they drive etc. We form our first impressions of people within a <a href="https://www.psychologicalscience.org/observer/how-many-seconds-to-a-first-impression" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">blink of an eye</a>. Quite literally within 1/10 of a second! Most of the time our assumptions dictate whether or not we invest in a conversation. I’ve learned so much about the people I met this weekend because societal indicators were removed.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-4 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/4-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1489"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>We make judgments about situations that are foreign to us. </strong>The minute we exit our comfort zone and try something new, our brain also steps out of its comfort zone. It struggles to compute the new pattern of activity and switches into “survival mode” in order to protect us. By calming our brain and seeing the situation for what it is – a learning opportunity – we are able to step out of this fight, flight or freeze mode and become less judgmental.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-5 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="1024" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/5-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1490"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>It’s strengthened my relationship. </strong>Both of us were outside of our comfort zone this weekend and our insecurities were triggered. But we laughed, talked openly, listened and supported each other. We return to our daily lives more aware and more open-minded.</p> </div> </div> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>What’s your judge preventing you from doing?</strong></h2> <p>The above story is intended to highlight how our own self-judgment, the judgment of others and judgment of situations keeps us trapped in the status quo. Our judge narrows our perspective, holds us back from trying out new things, and makes implementing any desired change in our lives ten times harder.</p> <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>Imagine being able to take time off work without feeling guilty.</li><li>Imagine being able to try a new hobby without fear of criticism.</li><li>Imagine being able to date without fear of rejection.</li><li>Imagine being able to voice your opinion without fear of repercussions.</li></ul> <p><strong>So ask yourself this:</strong></p> <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>What assumptions / judgments do you hold about yourself, about others and about certain situations?</li><li>Are those assumptions / judgments valid? Or are they triggered out of fear? Or are they triggered out of your own insecurities?</li><li>What is your judge preventing you from doing? What desired changes in your life is it preventing you from making for fear of negative consequences?</li></ul> <p><strong>We all have a judge in us. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US.</strong></p> <p><strong>Wouldn’t it be nice to get to know yours, so that you can reduce its power? </strong></p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/book-a-call/"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="810" height="450" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/naked-lawyer-CTA.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-2823"/></a></figure> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-naked-lawyer-judgment-free/">The Naked Lawyer: When I met my Judge!</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>https://bravingboundaries.com/the-naked-lawyer-judgment-free/feed/</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>8</slash:comments> </item> <item> <title>Service over Sales: How to overcome a lawyer’s fear of business development</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/how-to-overcome-a-lawyers-fear-of-business-development/</link> <comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/how-to-overcome-a-lawyers-fear-of-business-development/#comments</comments> <dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Sat, 23 Jan 2021 19:49:32 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Business Development]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Lawyer Life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[attorney life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[attorneys]]></category> <category><![CDATA[big law]]></category> <category><![CDATA[big law life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[braving boundaries]]></category> <category><![CDATA[business development]]></category> <category><![CDATA[climbing the corporate ladder]]></category> <category><![CDATA[confidence]]></category> <category><![CDATA[junior lawyer]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law recruiters]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law students]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer tips]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyers]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal environment]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal firm life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal professionals]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal recruiter]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal recruitment]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal services]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal talent]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal world]]></category> <category><![CDATA[marketing]]></category> <category><![CDATA[sales]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-confidence]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-promotion]]></category> <category><![CDATA[selling ourselves]]></category> <category><![CDATA[service industry]]></category> <category><![CDATA[services]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/dealing-with-disappointment-copy/</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>For the lawyers who hate business development and selling their services – this one is for you. There is no magic wand that can be waved which suddenly makes you feel more confident with business development. It takes reflection, time and practice. But, here are 9 tips to get you started.</p> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/how-to-overcome-a-lawyers-fear-of-business-development/">Service over Sales: How to overcome a lawyer’s fear of business development</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[ <p>For the lawyers who hate business development and selling their services – this one is for you.</p> <p>Let’s be honest, when we became lawyers, either we believed in fairness and justice and wanted to change the world for the better or we wanted to earn lots of money (or maybe a bit of both). But, unless our parents were in the law, we had very little understanding of what the <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-fear-around-mental-health-in-the-legal-world/">legal world</a> really was about or what it entailed. Never did we consider that, as we climbed the corporate ladder, we would have to manage people (clients and teams alike), run a business, or actually go out and sell our services! <em><strong>Where is the law in that?</strong></em></p> <p>The reality is that once we have reached the level of Partner or (if we have decided to step out on our own) Freelancer, Consultant or Sole Practitioner, until we have our client base established, our day-to-day job becomes less about law and more about marketing and business development. We have entered the world of entrepreneurialism or solopreneurialism – and I can tell you now – that’s not a particularly comfortable place for most lawyers.</p> <p>So, let’s take a look at some of the reasons why we, as lawyers, have such an in-built resistance to selling our services and explore some ideas of how to improve our attitude towards marketing ourselves.</p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/pexels-energepiccom-313690-e1611435063713.jpg" alt=""/></figure> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="but-we-are-lawyers-not-marketers">But we are lawyers not marketers!</h3> <p>Business development is not something which we are taught in law school or during our LPC or our early years as an Associate. In fact, for many lawyers, business development is not a skill we are taught at all. And yet, from an early stage in our careers as lawyers, the “business development” criteria is a firm fixture on our appraisal forms. And it only increases in importance the higher up the corporate ladder we climb.</p> <p>For some, business development skills come naturally. But, for most, the thought of having to sell ourselves and our services without the requisite skillset to do so, causes overwhelming bouts of anxiety and stress – more so than we would care to admit. </p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/cheat-sheet-9-tips-to-overcome-a-lawyers-fear-of-business-development/" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="770" height="250" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/Optin-graphic.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-2418"/></a></figure> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="my-introduction-to-business-development">My introduction to business development</h3> <p>My first introduction to the world of business development was through “<i>client drinks</i>”. When I was a mid-level Associate in Singapore, client entertainment was a big thing. We had some brilliant Partners who were incredible at business development – Nick Merritt, Laurie Pearson and Nicky Davies to name but a few. Business development, seemingly, came so naturally to them: they could talk to anyone at any level in the organisation. And people indeed were drawn towards them. It was actually quite mesmerising to watch.</p> <p>Now, you would think that business development and client entertainment would come pretty naturally to me. On the outside, I have a relatively extroverted personality. I am a chatterbox. I enjoy going out for drinks with friends. I’ll happily make a fool of myself to make others feel more comfortable. I’m a good listener and people generally like me (though there are a few exceptions). But, when it comes to people I don’t know, or people I have placed on a pedestal, or people who I am supposed to impress, or people I am indirectly selling to – my introvert appears, and I want to run for the hills.</p> <p>So when, one afternoon, we were reminded that we had to attend drinks with HSBC (a Key Client) that evening and all the top tier executives would be there, my heart sank. That all-too-familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach had reappeared. Ugh! I hated client drinks.</p> <p>Immediately, a whole host of doubts and negative beliefs popped into my head:</p> <ul class="wp-block-list"><li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Who’s going to want to speak to me? I’m only a junior associate!</li><li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">I don’t know anything about finance. I’m going to come across as a right nit-wit!</li><li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">I don’t know anything about what HSBC is doing. I’m going to embarrass myself and be a terrible reflection on the firm!</li><li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">I haven’t read the news this week! I can’t even talk about world events!</li><li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Am I dressed ok for client drinks?</li></ul> <p>To be fair, in Singapore, I could have worn anything to client drinks and it would have been acceptable, but still, all of these doubts raced through my mind and I could feel the nerves building, a dry throat forming and foggy-headedness appearing. By 2pm, I’d already created a mountain of self-made obstacles to overcome, and the drinks hadn’t even started!</p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="why-lawyers-fear-hate-business-development">Why lawyers fear / hate business development</h3> <p>I’d like to say that my experience towards business development was unique, but the more friends I’ve spoken to and more clients I’ve coached around this issue, the more I realise how endemic the fear and anxiety around sales is in the industry. </p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/Artboard-1@2x-e1611435279916.png" alt=""/></figure> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <p><strong><i>But why?</i></strong> Aside from the lack of skills training when it comes to business development, what preconceived ideas about ourselves – and about sales in general – are we holding on to that make business development so uncomfortable for us?</p> <ol class="wp-block-list"><li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><strong>The car salesman stereotype</strong> – How many of you, when you hear the word “sales”, automatically picture a gelled-back, slick car salesman with his slippery and schmoozy chat, pushing you into purchasing the latest shiny model? Yes, it’s a stereotype, but it is a stereotype firmly entrenched in our brains. So when, as lawyers we are sent out into the world to bring in new business, we immediately feel like we are becoming someone that nobody likes or wants to engage with. Needless to say, we resist the association <strong><i>at all costs!!</i><i> </i></strong></li><li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><strong>I’m an introvert. I don’t like talking to people, never mind selling to them </strong>– It’s funny how when it comes to sales we assume that being an introvert is a negative thing. Surely you have to be gregarious, outgoing and buoyant to sell services. Well, let me ask you this: as an introvert, how do you like to be sold to? Is it the loud and brash character that is going to attract you? Or actually is it someone who is more humble with a well-thought-through offering? Someone who is like you? </li><li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><strong>I don’t have the experience – I’ve only been doing this for 2 years</strong> – There are varying versions of this theme: I don’t have the knowledge. I need to upskill. I need to train. I’ve only been doing this for [x] years. The point with experience though is that it only comes with practice. You have to start somewhere. You have to take that step into discomfort in order to practice and therefore improve. </li><li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><strong>I don’t have the brand name</strong> – This one is more for the entrepreneurs and solopreneurs who have stepped away from Big Law and the big marketing machine that goes with it. I often hear solo / small firm lawyers stating that they can’t get work because they don’t have the brand name supporting them. But what proof exists to support that theory? There are many a successful boutique firm and sole practitioner out there who have succeeded without a big name behind them – I include myself in that group. Rather than thinking about what you are lacking, consider how your individuality and size can actually work in your favour.</li><li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><strong>There are other people doing this that are better than me</strong><b> – </b>I call this <i>comparisonitis. </i>Comparison is a dangerous game. We get ourselves tied up in knots when we start comparing ourselves to peers in the industry and it prevents us from moving forwards. We see people succeeding because they have skills that we don’t have. The thing is, we compare ourselves (both our successes and our failures) only against other people’s successes (their public image). We give no merit to the fact that these people may have struggled and experienced similar fears as we have along the way.</li></ol> <p>Before you’ve even begun contemplating seeking business, you have put 5 staggeringly tall hurdles in your own way. Is it any wonder that so many lawyers fear sales? It feels like one heck of a daunting mountain to climb.</p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/adversity.jpg" alt="daunting mountain to climb"/></figure> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="so-how-can-lawyers-approach-business-development-with-a-healthier-mindset">So how can lawyers approach business development with a healthier mindset?</h3> <p>There is no magic wand that can be waved which suddenly makes you feel more confident with business development. It takes reflection, time and practice. But, here are 9 tips to get you started:</p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-6 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/1-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1486" width="100" height="100"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p><strong>Build up your confidence:</strong> Whichever rung of the corporate ladder we are currently on, doing something new or something you haven’t practised for a while, tends to throw us into a bit of a confidence crisis. Business development is no exception. </p> <p>In order to be successful in business development, you need to start believing that you can be successful. Fundamentally, YOU are your brand. And that requires some work on your confidence. When did you last sit down and consider:</p> <ul class="wp-block-list"><li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">What your strengths are?</li><li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">What attracts you to people?</li><li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">What experience you have?</li><li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">What skills you have?</li></ul> <p>I’m not just talking about in law. I’m talking about all the life experience that you can bring to the table. Business development is about so much more than the law. Remember, our experiences make us unique. No other lawyer in the world has the same life experiences as you do. How can you use these to your advantage?</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-7 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/2-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1487" width="100" height="100"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p><strong>Be You:</strong> Don’t mimic other people’s sales styles. Don’t try to be outgoing and funny if you have a more conservative and intellectual style. People are attracted to people who they can relate to and connect with. People who are genuine and trustworthy. It’s why the sleazy car salesman feels so objectionable. So, once you’ve built up your confidence – stand tall in those shoes – and just be who you are.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-8 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/3-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1488" width="100" height="100"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p><strong>Stop thinking small:</strong> Clients may initially be attracted by a big brand name, but if the lawyer they end up working with is rude, incompetent or unresponsive (yes, they do exist in Big Law too), then a client will look elsewhere. Clients ultimately choose a law firm based on the lawyer(s), not the brand.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-9 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/4-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1489" width="100" height="100"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p><strong>Have a plan of action:</strong> What are you looking to achieve from business development? Are you looking to start building your network and new relationships or are you looking to bring in new clients and build a practice? Whatever your goal, what ways are you looking to achieve that goal? Is it attending drinks events (or Zoom networking events as is the case now)? Is it identifying 10 target clients to nurture? Is it about getting your name out in the industry and using social media platforms (such as LinkedIn) to inform your audience about what you do? Is it a multi-pronged approach? Having a plan of action allows you to stay focused and avoids a haphazard, sporadic approach to business development.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-10 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/5-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1490" width="100" height="100"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p><strong>Be consistent:</strong> Business development takes time because building trust in relationships takes time. As you put your plan into action, you may not see immediate results. It doesn’t mean that you should give up on your plan. Stay consistent with your approach. Give the plan time to produce the results you are looking for. Keep showing up.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-11 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/6-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1491" width="100" height="100"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p><strong>Nurture your network:</strong> Your network is your greatest asset. If you nurture and support your network, they will return the favour. It requires some work on your part: making an effort to reach out and stay in touch; attending events they host, supporting articles that they write. But what it does is to cement those relationships. These are people that know you and can already vouch for your capability. And, if you nurture those relationships, they’ll turn to you when they need you or be willing to refer work to you in the future.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-12 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/7-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1882" width="100" height="100"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p><strong>Be front of mind: </strong>Consider how you can keep yourself front of mind to potential clients after your first interaction. I’ve received calls out of the blue from potential clients based on a commodities bulletin I wrote and circulated a year previously. I’ve also had people call me because my photo on my business card triggered a memory about a conversation we had at a drinks event. Think of small and subtle ways that you can stay memorable to potential clients.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-13 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/8-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1883" width="100" height="100"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p><strong>Switch the focus: </strong>Often our fears of business development arise because we are too focused on ourselves. How many of you spend your time worrying about what impression you are going to make or what people will think about you? Well, I’m sorry to say, but it’s not all about you. Instead of focusing on you, switch the focus to the potential client. Think about why your services and working with you can benefit them. The reason you need to tell them about your services is so they know there is a good resource out there which can actually help them achieve their goals and ambitions. Switching the focus from selling to serving makes business development a heck of a lot more palatable.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-14 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/9-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1884" width="100" height="100"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p><strong>Avoid the hard sell: </strong>There is nothing worse than coming to the end of a perfectly nice conversation with someone and they go in for the hard sell or ask why you haven’t sent any work over to them yet. All of that time you have spent relationship building dissipates in seconds. The whole conversation suddenly feels disingenuous and ends on a sour note. Business development isn’t about the hard sell – it’s about building a relationship over time. So, get to know your potential clients personally. Meet them socially. Listen to their needs. Talk about work so that you understand their business and they understand yours, but avoid the hard sell. Let the relationship do the work. When an opportunity arises in the future, it will allow the conversation (an offer to help) to flow much more naturally. </p> </div> </div> <p></p> <p class="has-text-align-center">_______________________________________</p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <p class="has-text-align-center"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" sizes="(max-width: 810px) 100vw, 810px" srcset="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/End-of-blog-post-CTA-image.jpg 810w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/End-of-blog-post-CTA-image-300x167.png 300w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/End-of-blog-post-CTA-image-768x427.png 768w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/End-of-blog-post-CTA-image-500x278.png 500w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/End-of-blog-post-CTA-image-800x444.png 800w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/End-of-blog-post-CTA-image-480x267.png 480w" width="810" height="450" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/End-of-blog-post-CTA-image.jpg" alt=""></p> <div class="wp-block-buttons is-content-justification-center is-layout-flex wp-block-buttons-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-button"><a class="wp-block-button__link has-white-color has-black-background-color has-text-color has-background no-border-radius" target="_blank" rel="https://bravingboundaries.com/work-with-me/individual-coaching/ noopener">WORK WITH ME</a></div> </div> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/how-to-overcome-a-lawyers-fear-of-business-development/">Service over Sales: How to overcome a lawyer’s fear of business development</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>https://bravingboundaries.com/how-to-overcome-a-lawyers-fear-of-business-development/feed/</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>4</slash:comments> </item> <item> <title>The Perfectionist Problem</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/the-perfectionist-problem/</link> <comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/the-perfectionist-problem/#respond</comments> <dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Mon, 06 Jul 2020 15:44:20 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Comfort over coffee]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Lawyer Life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Perfectionism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-care]]></category> <category><![CDATA[work-life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[a balanced life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[big law]]></category> <category><![CDATA[big law life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[junior associate]]></category> <category><![CDATA[junior attorney]]></category> <category><![CDATA[junior lawyer]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law students]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer tips]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyers]]></category> <category><![CDATA[life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health advocate]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health matters]]></category> <category><![CDATA[perfection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[perfectionism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[perfectionist]]></category> <category><![CDATA[perfectionistic behaviour]]></category> <category><![CDATA[progress over perfection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self care]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self confidence]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self esteem]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-care]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-confidence]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-esteem]]></category> <category><![CDATA[trust in yourself]]></category> <category><![CDATA[work life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[workaholic]]></category> <category><![CDATA[workaholism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[young lawyer]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=1478</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>"Perfection" - an unattainable target for which many of us strive. This article looks at why we feel we need to be perfect, the false belief that perfection brings success, and some ideas that have helped me to let go of the need to be a perfectionist.</p> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-perfectionist-problem/">The Perfectionist Problem</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[ <h1 class="wp-block-heading" id="the-perfectionist-problem">The Perfectionist Problem</h1> <p><em>This article forms part of the “Comfort Over Coffee” series – a range of articles seeking to tackle the trickier issues faced in the <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-fear-around-mental-health-in-the-legal-world/">legal world</a></em>.</p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="introduction"><strong>Introduction</strong></h2> <p><em><strong>Full disclosure: I am a recovering perfectionist workaholic – and I always will be.</strong></em></p> <p>Ironically, as I sit down to write this article, I can feel my perfectionist coming out:</p> <ul class="wp-block-list"><li><em>“This article needs to be perfect if people are going to resonate.”</em></li><li><em>“There needs to be the perfect balance between fun and information.”</em></li><li><em>“How can you write about perfectionism when you still struggle with it?”</em></li></ul> <p>Well, the reality is that:</p> <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>this article will resonate with some of you and not with others (<em>and that’s ok</em>).</li><li>for some it will be fun and informative, but possibly not for others (and that’s ok).</li><li>I’m not perfect (and that’s ok).</li></ul> <p>Aside from telling you a bit about my personal struggle with perfectionism, this article is going to delve into why we feel we need to be perfect, the false belief that perfection brings success, and some ideas that have helped me to let go of the need to be perfect.</p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="our-need-to-be-perfect"><strong>Our need to be perfect</strong></h2> <h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="from-childhood-perfectionist"><strong>From childhood perfectionist …</strong></h3> <p>Society has encouraged us to be perfect from an early age.</p> <p>As children:</p> <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>Aptitude testing was a regularity to test potential and capacity to learn (from as young as two years old in some cases): Thursdays featured 100 multiplication questions (7×8, 9×6 etc.). Mondays oriented around spelling tests (I still can’t spell ‘occurrence’ confidently). Everything was graded. 90% got praised! 70% not so much (even though it was 20% over the pass mark).</li><li>We grew up with the daily mantra from our teachers and parents of: “Success comes from hard work”. And hard work reaped rewards: being selected for the national netball team, winning the school music competition, being voted as Head Boy / Head Girl.</li><li>As others worked hard to achieve success, competition to be the best heightened – pushing us further towards the need to be perfect.</li><li>Hard work alone was no longer enough – we had to be multi-disciplinary: a good person, someone who helps others, someone who is likeable, someone who is self-sacrificing – the “good all-rounder”.</li><li>The muscles in our brains connecting success with hard work and being multi-capable strengthened, as did the muscle that linked success to perfection.</li></ul> <h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="to-adulthood-perfectionist"><strong>To adulthood perfectionist …</strong></h3> <p>As we entered into adult life, our view as to what constituted “perfection” was further embellished:</p> <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>The <strong>romantic-comedy genre</strong> solidified the belief that happiness was derived from the perfect relationship / being the perfect partner. The fact that these films focused on the “getting together” part rather than the actual long-term relationship is by-the-by.</li><li><strong>Social media</strong> portrayed “perfect” to be normal and constantly achievable (never a bad photo in sight).</li><li>The <strong>fitness industry</strong> constantly reminded us of how we could achieve the perfect body, perfect abs, perfect legs – as if there was such a thing! I vividly remember when the size 0 phenomenon hit the media with Nicole Ritchie’s emaciated figure flaunted across magazine covers for the world to see. Dangerously thin was portrayed as the ideal body shape. Another area in our lives in which we had to be perfect in order to succeed.</li></ul> <p><em>Is it any wonder that this constant assault of unreaslistic “perfection” resulted in so many of us becoming stressed out, over-achieving perfectionists? </em></p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="my-perfectionist-story"><strong>My perfectionist story</strong></h2> <figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/not-so-perfect2-640x1024.png" alt="Me as a perfectionist"/></figure> <p>Well, this is what <em><strong>perfectionism</strong> </em>looked like for me.</p> <p>This photo was taken back in 2014 on a night out with a friend in a bar, downing tequila shots after a long day in the office and yet another failed romantic liaison (it never actually qualified as a relationship). </p> <p>I was:</p> <ul class="wp-block-list"><li><strong><em>the perfect lawyer</em></strong> – I worked hard, led the most prestigious deals, volunteered on all the committees and went the extra mile. <i><strong>But,</strong> I was not paid my market value nor did I have a clear career path.</i></li></ul> <ul class="wp-block-list"><li><strong><em>the perfect romantic partner</em></strong> – I was fun, slim, always smiling, putting everyone else’s needs before my own, being their cheerleader and daily support. <i><strong>But, </strong>I was not respected or supported (by them or myself) which led to back-to-back failed relationships and a disastrous impact on my self-worth. Not ideal when the rest of your friendship group are happily married and moving into parenthood.</i></li><li><strong><em>the perfect friend</em></strong> – I raced around the world to be at friends’ weddings, visit new-born babies, spend time with my god children. You name it – I barely sat still! <i><strong>But,</strong> my closest friendships suffered because quality time wasn’t spent with the people I cared most about and with those who cared most about me.</i></li><li><strong><em>the perfect all-rounder</em></strong> – I was the epitome of a multi-tasker. I was sporty. I loved a challenge. I raised funds for charity. I organised parties and pub quizzes. I could converse about Turandot as much as I could about how Liverpool were performing in the Premier League. <strong><i>But,</i></strong> <em>I was exhausted. I stopped enjoying the things I loved doing. I felt resentment when my time was taken away from me. I’d chameleoned into so many versions of myself that I’d forgotten who I was at my core.</em></li></ul> <p><strong><em>Had perfectionism led to success?</em></strong></p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="the-dangers-of-perfectionism"><strong>The dangers of perfectionism</strong></h2> <p>The problem with perfectionism is that it is an ideal. There is no finite point which can be reached to confirm that “perfection” has been achieved. It is, by virtue, unattainable.</p> <p>So, by seeking perfection, we are setting ourselves up for constant failure which, in turn, can have a severe impact on our mental and physical health.</p> <figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/impact-of-perfectionism.png" alt="perfectionist traits"/></figure> <p>Perfectionism also results in an unhealthy level of resistance to failure – as if failure was a bad thing. The irony is that success is achieved as a result of our failures. If we did not fail, how would we ever learn, improve and grow?</p> <p><em><strong>Failure is a necessary part of being a human. It’s a necessary part of success.</strong></em></p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="how-to-let-go-of-the-need-to-be-perfect"><strong>How to let go of the need to be perfect</strong></h2> <p>Wouldn’t it be nice just to chill out and relax sometimes? To kick back and enjoy your days without worrying about how you are seen, the impression that you are making, the value that you are bringing to the table. To spend your time enjoying what you are doing. To be comfortable with the very real fact that <strong>you are enough</strong>.</p> <p>Telling a perfectionist to just do things imperfectly is never going to work though. It is not a switch which we can just turn on and off. It takes time and effort to change behavioural patterns.</p> <p>But here are a few things that helped me to reduce my perfectionist tendencies:</p> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-15 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/1-1024x1024.png" alt=""/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>Acknowledge the existence of your inner perfectionist:</strong> We adopt perfectionist behaviour to protect ourselves from underlying fears and insecurities. For many perfectionists, their self-worth is derived from praise, where praise is identified with perfection. <strong>Seek support</strong> from a coach to help you identify these underlying fears and build up your self-esteem. Learn to let go of your perfectionist tendencies and lead a much calmer and stress-free lifestyle.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-16 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/2-1024x1024.png" alt=""/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>Let go of the idea that “perfect” exists: </strong>It doesn’t. If “perfect” existed, I am quite certain that evolution would have created identical human beings by now, removing any irregularities. What a humdrum world that would be! Our flaws, our differences, our quirks are what make us unique. It is in our differences that we find our superpowers – the real things that let us shine.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-17 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/3-1024x1024.png" alt=""/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>Stop comparing yourself to others: <em>EVERYONE</em></strong> struggles with something, no matter how they portray themselves in the outside world. Whether it is the perfect family; the huge book of clients; the holiday home in the Hamptons – this is all external messaging. No one brags about the fact that they are feeling like an imposter, worrying about money, not having sex, struggling with their kid’s behaviour. Stop comparing your internal version of the world (the lens through which you look at your own life) with someone else’s external version of the world.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-18 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/4-1024x1024.png" alt=""/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>Reframe success: </strong>Knowing that “perfect” is unattainable, what does a successful life really look like to you? I don’t care if it is on the “what it should look like” list. I want to know what would make you happy, healthy and fulfilled. Take a moment to really think about that. Now consider how you can start implementing that.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-19 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/5-1024x1024.png" alt=""/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>Celebrate your accomplishments – no matter how big or small</strong>: As perfectionists, we achieve a lot, but when do we ever take time to celebrate our accomplishments? You’ll soon see that accomplishment and success can still be achieved in the absence of perfection.</p> </div> </div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="next-steps"><strong>Next Steps</strong></h2> <p>If perfectionism is something with which you struggle and which is causing uncomfortable levels of stress for you, please know that these behaviour patterns can be changed. It takes time and effort – but it is achievable. And life is a lot less stressful on the other side.</p> <p>Through coaching, we can address the underlying fears and insecurities which the perfectionistic behaviour is masking. Together, we can identify ways to reduce the self-criticism and increase your self-esteem, so that you can be confident in who you are, in everything you do and in how you are seen in the world.</p> <p><strong><em>You are enough!</em></strong></p> <p><a role="button" href="https://calendly.com/bravingboundaries/discovery-call-30-mins"><br>Book a free Discovery Session<br></a><br><a role="button" href="https://bravingboundaries.com/contact-me/"><br>Drop me a quick message<br></a><br><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" sizes="(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" srcset="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-1024x311-1.jpg 1024w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-300x91-1.jpg 300w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-768x233-1.jpg 768w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-500x152.png 500w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-800x243.png 800w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-1280x389-1.jpg 1280w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-1080x328-1.jpg 1080w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-980x298-1.jpg 980w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-480x146-1.jpg 480w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner.jpg 1400w" width="1024" height="311" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-1024x311-1.jpg" alt="Coaching for perfectionist"></p> <h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="references"><strong>References </strong></h2> <p>“<em>The dangerous downsides of perfectionism</em>” by Amanda Ruggeri (senior journalist for the BBC) – definitely worth the read: https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20180219-toxic-perfectionism-is-on-the-rise </p> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-perfectionist-problem/">The Perfectionist Problem</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>https://bravingboundaries.com/the-perfectionist-problem/feed/</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>0</slash:comments> </item> <item> <title>Be Brave!</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/be-brave/</link> <comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/be-brave/#respond</comments> <dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Thu, 02 Jul 2020 00:55:00 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Lawyer Life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-care]]></category> <category><![CDATA[work-life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[attorney life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[attorneys]]></category> <category><![CDATA[be brave]]></category> <category><![CDATA[courage]]></category> <category><![CDATA[enough is enough]]></category> <category><![CDATA[inspiration]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer tips]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyers]]></category> <category><![CDATA[life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[me time]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health matters]]></category> <category><![CDATA[priorities]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self care]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-care]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-confidence]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-trust]]></category> <category><![CDATA[trust in yourself]]></category> <category><![CDATA[values]]></category> <category><![CDATA[work life balance]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=1457</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>There are times in our lives where enough becomes enough! It is in those times, when we put ourselves first, that the magic truly happens ...</p> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/be-brave/">Be Brave!</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2><strong><em>“Do something today that your future self will thank you for.”</em> ― Sean Patrick Flanery</strong></h2> <p>I first read and posted this quote on 30 September 2016.</p> <p>It was a big day for me.</p> <ul> <li>It was the day I handed in my notice.</li> <li>It was the day that I found true courage to put myself first.</li> <li>It was the day I said: “enough is enough”.</li> <li>It was the day I took control back over the direction of my life.</li> </ul> <p><img decoding="async" title="10362954_10156371786730554_8301205857118522256_n2" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/10362954_10156371786730554_8301205857118522256_n2-1.jpg" alt="10362954_10156371786730554_8301205857118522256_n2" /></p> <h2><strong>Three months later …</strong></h2> <p>… I was sitting on a plane, heading back to Singapore (my previous home) to start a trip of a lifetime. It became the most transformative year of my life:</p> <ul> <li>I traveled alone.</li> <li>I spent quality time with my closest friends and family.</li> <li>I visited places I had never managed to get to before (New Zealand, Zimbabwe, Botswana).</li> <li>I helped my sister prepare for her wedding.</li> <li>I faced my fears of eating out alone.<br /> I finally did my yoga teacher training after 10 years of practice.</li> <li>I volunteered at mothers 2 mothers- an incredible charity which I’d supported whilst in corporate.</li> <li>I put myself out there – I actually dated.</li> <li>I slowed down: I wrote. I reflected.</li> <li>I gained perspective. I put past issues to rest.</li> <li>I truly enjoyed myself.</li> </ul> <figure><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/16830898_10158335835260554_1341082582831099851_n.jpg" sizes="(max-width: 960px) 100vw, 960px" srcset="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/16830898_10158335835260554_1341082582831099851_n.jpg 960w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/16830898_10158335835260554_1341082582831099851_n-300x225.jpg 300w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/16830898_10158335835260554_1341082582831099851_n-768x576.jpg 768w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/16830898_10158335835260554_1341082582831099851_n-500x375.jpg 500w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/16830898_10158335835260554_1341082582831099851_n-800x600.jpg 800w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/16830898_10158335835260554_1341082582831099851_n-510x382.jpg 510w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/16830898_10158335835260554_1341082582831099851_n-480x360.jpg 480w" alt="" width="960" height="720" /><figcaption>Braemar Station, Lake Pukaki, Tekapo, New Zealand</figcaption></figure> <p>That change (quite drastic in my case) allowed me to bring my life back in alignment with my core values. When I returned to the <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-fear-around-mental-health-in-the-legal-world/">legal world</a> in 2018, those values and priorities remained (and still remain) at the forefront of everything I do.</p> <h2><strong>Braving change</strong></h2> <p>Change, no matter how big or small it may seem, takes time and effort, and believe me, it helps if you have someone to talk it all through with. My transformation started well before 2016 through counselling (<em>putting my historical issues to rest</em>) and coaching (<em>working out what the hell I wanted from my life and learning how to go out and get it</em>).</p> <p>If you are at a point where you want to make a change, but are struggling with the “how” – then drop me a message or consider booking a <strong>Basic Balance</strong> session.</p> <p>Let’s address the challenges together, so you can achieve a <strong>happier</strong>, <strong>healthier</strong> and <strong>more balanced life</strong>.</p> <p><a role="button" href="https://bravingboundaries.com/work-with-me-individual/"><br /> Click here To work with me<br /> </a></p> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/be-brave/">Be Brave!</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>https://bravingboundaries.com/be-brave/feed/</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>0</slash:comments> </item> </channel> </rss>