<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?><rss version="2.0" xmlns:content="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/content/" xmlns:wfw="http://wellformedweb.org/CommentAPI/" xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/" xmlns:atom="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom" xmlns:sy="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/syndication/" xmlns:slash="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/slash/" > <channel> <title>resilience Archives - Braving Boundaries</title> <atom:link href="https://bravingboundaries.com/tag/resilience/feed/" rel="self" type="application/rss+xml" /> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/tag/resilience/</link> <description>PROFESSIONAL LIFE COACHING & TRAINING</description> <lastBuildDate>Tue, 07 Oct 2025 07:50:12 +0000</lastBuildDate> <language>en-ZA</language> <sy:updatePeriod> hourly </sy:updatePeriod> <sy:updateFrequency> 1 </sy:updateFrequency> <image> <url>https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Asset-1.svg</url> <title>resilience Archives - Braving Boundaries</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/tag/resilience/</link> <width>32</width> <height>32</height> </image> <item> <title>Mirror, Mirror: Reflections on ageing (and laughing anyway)</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/mirror-mirror-reflections-on-ageing/</link> <comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/mirror-mirror-reflections-on-ageing/#respond</comments> <dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Tue, 07 Oct 2025 07:03:51 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Motivation]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Procrastination]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-awareness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-care]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-reflection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Stress & Anxiety]]></category> <category><![CDATA[ageing]]></category> <category><![CDATA[body confidence]]></category> <category><![CDATA[confidence]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Embracing Change]]></category> <category><![CDATA[friendship]]></category> <category><![CDATA[invisibility]]></category> <category><![CDATA[middle age]]></category> <category><![CDATA[midlife]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mindset]]></category> <category><![CDATA[navigating midlife]]></category> <category><![CDATA[personal empowerment]]></category> <category><![CDATA[personal growth]]></category> <category><![CDATA[perspective]]></category> <category><![CDATA[redefining limit]]></category> <category><![CDATA[resilience]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-Acceptance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-reflection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-talk]]></category> <category><![CDATA[women and ageing]]></category> <category><![CDATA[yoga]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=235362</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/mirror-mirror-reflections-on-ageing/">Mirror, Mirror: Reflections on ageing (and laughing anyway)</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="et_pb_section et_pb_section_0 et_section_regular" > <div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_0"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_0 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_0 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h5><strong><span style="color: #be9727;"><em>WRITTEN BY FRIEDA LEVYCKY, FOUNDER OF <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/" style="color: #be9727; text-decoration: underline;">BRAVING BOUNDARIES</a></span> </em></span></strong></h5> <p><strong><span style="color: #be9727;"><em></em></span></strong></p> <p><span>“<em>So, I’m old and weak?</em>” Fabulous! Well, that’s a good start to a Monday!</span></p> <p><span>My friends and I burst out laughing at girls’ night last week as I relayed the story of my yoga instructor helping me stretch further into a pigeon pose than I’d ever managed before. Post class, he gave me some feedback: “<em>Older women …</em>” he started, then quickly corrected himself: “<em>I mean, women who are more mature … need additional weight to progress into positions, as flexibility is just not enough as we get older. Your hips and shoulders are flexible, but weak</em>”. To be fair, his feedback was probably meant to be encouraging. I mean, I am (a bit) older now and I do have weak spots in my body, but all I heard was: <em>old and weak</em>.</span></p> <p><span>So, of course, I went home and did what any reasonable, totally well-balanced woman would do. I studied myself for a good ten minutes in front of the mirror. First my face then, for good measure, the rest of me too. Am I old? Is that how the world sees me now? Inside, I still feel like that flirty little nymph; the young lawyer who tottered around the office in very high heels and a dress. I’m the runner, the traveller, the yoga pretzel, the one who’s never been fussed about make-up. Ever since I was at school, I was always the youngest of the group (an August birthday has its perks). That’s still how I see myself, but is that really how the rest of the world sees me? Or have I quietly, without meaning to, stepped into this “<em>tannie</em>” role (as they say in South Africa)? Not properly old, not exactly young either, but that strange middle space of invisibility.</span></p> <p><span></span></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_0"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img fetchpriority="high" decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/10/2.jpg" alt="ageing" title="who is that in the mirror?" class="wp-image-235368" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_1 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong><span>The Invisibility Cloak of Middle Age</span></strong></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_2 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p style="text-align: left;"><span>A friend of mine told me she knew she’d officially crossed the line when, at 50, the teenage checkout assistant asked if she’d like to use her pensioner discount. “<em>For f**k’s sake!</em>” she laughed, describing how she marched home, dumped the shopping and demanded of her husband and friend: “<em>Do I look like a pensioner?</em>”. There really was only one correct answer to that question and, fortunately, both men were wise enough to choose it.</span></p> <p>Another friend recalled standing in a wine bar bathroom next to a gaggle of 20-somethings on a hen party and catching her reflection beside theirs. The contrast was sobering. Others have shared those silly, but defining, moments when you realise you’ve officially lost track of what “<em>Whip/Nae Nae</em>” is (yes, I did need to look up the spelling for that as I did originally write “<em>Nay Nay</em>”), let alone how to dance to it.</p> <p>To be fair, I can still give them a run for their money if Whigfield or Steps comes on the radio. I’ve always nailed “<em>Saturday Night</em>” and “<em>Tragedy</em>.”<span style="font-weight: 400;"></span></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_3 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong><span>The Double-Edged Sword of Invisibility</span></strong></h2> <h2></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_4 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span style="font-weight: 400;">There’s a strange freedom in becoming invisible though. Fewer eyes watching, fewer judgements, fewer comparisons. However, it can also be lonely. You start to notice the subtle ways the world stops looking your way: the compliments fade, the flirtatious glances vanish and shop assistants suddenly call you “<em>Ma’am</em>”.</span></p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_1 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_1"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/10/3.jpg" alt="Becoming invisible" title="Becoming invisible" class="wp-image-235369" /></span> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_2"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_2 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_5 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span>I used to be judgmental about women who turned to Botox or surgery. I’d make sweeping statements about “<em>ageing gracefully</em>” and “<em>accepting yourself</em>”, but as I inch closer to that stage, I can feel myself softening. I understand now that it’s not always about vanity. Sometimes it’s about visibility. About wanting to feel seen again in a world that treats women’s ageing as something to hide.</span></p> <p>There’s something to be said for doing what makes you feel good in your own skin. Whether that’s fillers or face yoga, Spanx or squats. Seriously, who am I to judge? If it lifts your spirits, then that’s what matters.</p> <p>Clearly, I’ve been talking about ageing a lot because Instagram’s now decided that I’m obsessed. My feed has been flooded with clips from <a href="https://www.instagram.com/reel/DPWk_OAETkK/">Paris Fashion Week</a>: a stunning parade of ageless icons like Helen Mirren, Heidi Klum, Jane Fonda, Gillian Anderson, Iris Berben, Andie MacDowell and Philippine Leroy-Beaulieu drifting effortlessly down the runway, and snippets of Patricia Routledge’s <a href="https://selfdiscoverywisdom.com/2025/08/08/a-poem-by-patricia-routledge/">Letter to Life</a> which she wrote for her 95th birthday. Alongside them, the quote that keeps popping up: “<em>Too young, too old, too bold. Whatever you do, someone will always judge your choices</em>”. How accurate that statement is.</p> <p>It’s almost as if the universe (or the algorithm) is forcing me to re-check my thinking. Some of those women have chosen the surgical route; others have aged naturally and all of them looked magnificent. There really isn’t a single right way to do this ageing thing.</p> <p> </p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_6 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong><span>Old Bird, Strong Body</span></strong></h2></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_3"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_3 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_7 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span>This past week, after all the “old and weak” jokes, I went back to yoga and did a Bikram class. I’ve trained on and off in Bikram for 15 years (I even took my teaching qualifications back in 2017), but this was my first class in months. For anyone who’s ever sweated through those 26 poses in 40 degrees, you’ll know: no class is ever the same. Yet, that class was one of the magical ones; one where everything clicks. My bow-pulling pose was strong, my balance steady and I felt incredible.</p> <p>At the end, a gorgeous, blonde twenty-something bounced over to me and said: “<em>Wow! How long have you been practising? I hope one day I can be just like you</em>”. Now, if that doesn’t make an “old bird” smile, I don’t know what will.</span></p> <p><span></span></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_2"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/10/4.jpg" alt="yoga" title="yoga" class="wp-image-235370" /></span> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_4"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_4 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_8 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong><span>Rewriting the Narrative</span></strong></h2></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_5"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_5 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_9 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p>The reality is that I’m new to this ageing thing. I don’t have all the answers and I know damn well that the only way to get them is to walk through this period of my life. What I have started to realise though is that I’ve been joking a lot about ageing lately. I’ve been laughing it off, making quips about “<em>feeling</em> <em>ancient</em>”, but … I’ve also started to notice it (that feeling of being old) and, if I’m not careful, I’ll end up believing my own words too. Negative self-talk rewires the brain and I’m not ready to programme mine to think I’m old and weak.</p> <p>So, I’m changing the script. I’ve set myself a new mantra to stop the negative seeping in:</p> <p><em>“I’m healthy, happy and still a little bit fabulous. This body has seen things, done things, climbed mountains, danced in heels and still gets me through yoga. She’s not old or weak. She’s strong and full of life.”</em></p> <p><em></em></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_3"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/10/5.jpg" alt="my new ageing mantra" title="my new ageing mantra" class="wp-image-235371" /></span> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_6"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_6 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_10 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p>Ageing is a privilege, one that’s easily forgotten until you realise that not everyone is given that gift.</p> <p>So, here’s to all the “<em>old birds</em>” out there, laughing our way through yoga classes, mirror reflections and checkout discounts. May we never forget: <strong><em>we are anything but invisible</em></strong>.</p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_4"> <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/book-a-call/"><span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/End-of-blog-post-CTA-image.jpg.webp" alt="" title="" /></span></a> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/mirror-mirror-reflections-on-ageing/">Mirror, Mirror: Reflections on ageing (and laughing anyway)</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>https://bravingboundaries.com/mirror-mirror-reflections-on-ageing/feed/</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>0</slash:comments> </item> <item> <title>When life feels out of control: 5 ways to find your anchor</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/when-life-feels-out-of-control/</link> <comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/when-life-feels-out-of-control/#respond</comments> <dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Wed, 26 Feb 2025 06:17:07 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Anxiety]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Change]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-care]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Stress & Anxiety]]></category> <category><![CDATA[work-life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[anxiety]]></category> <category><![CDATA[depression]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Finding Your Anchor]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Life Advice]]></category> <category><![CDATA[life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Mindfulness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Personal development]]></category> <category><![CDATA[resilience]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self care]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=235118</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/when-life-feels-out-of-control/">When life feels out of control: 5 ways to find your anchor</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="et_pb_section et_pb_section_1 et_section_regular" > <div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_7"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_7 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_11 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h5><strong><span style="color: #be9727;"><em>WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a style="color: #be9727; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://legalwhizz.wixsite.com/thelegalbelletrist">THE LEGAL BELLETRIST</a></span> </em></span></strong></h5> <p><strong><span style="color: #be9727;"><em></em></span></strong></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Catching up with an old friend the other day we were both struck with how off kilter our lives seemed to be. She lives thousands of miles away in one of the coldest cities on earth and I live in sunny South Africa, where I have lived all my life. I know, nothing to write home about. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And yet, our lives have both taken such drastic turns. Mine with fighting constant pain as well as my mental health struggles and her with her own mental health struggles and the constant battle to keep her and her husbands’ head above water. It’s enough to send anyone diving under the covers seeking refuge from the world. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The thing that struck us is the fact that despite living two very different lives, growing up quite differently, having different careers and very different personalities, our struggles didn’t seem very different. We both struggle with anxiety and depression – the two going so nicely hand-in-hand – and are both feeling very untethered from the world. Both needing an anchor – her in the snow and me in the sun.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It’s funny how catchups can sometimes turn into revelations. Especially with old friends. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And that got me thinking. If two friends on literal opposite ends of the world are feeling exactly the same, surely more people are feeling less tethered to the world than they would like. I mean the world as we know it is so inundated with expectations. We’re constantly – whether this is through social media, advertising or even well-meaning advice from friends and family – to “be” this or “do” that, that the pressure to conform can be overwhelming. We’re often forced into moulds that we just don’t fit into, making us feel estranged from who we truly are. We feel unaligned with our true selves, fighting to just be seen. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And it can make us feel so alone. So unheard. So desperate to find our way back to who we are and what we want out of life. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">If that’s the case and it’s more than just my friend and I that feel this way, maybe it’s a good idea to look into this – loss of control. For my friend, for me and for whoever reads this. </span></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_12 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong>5 Ways to Find Your Anchor</strong></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_5"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/Woman-in-Black-Spaghetti-Strap-Top-Meditating-by-Mikhail-Nilov-from-Pexels.jpg" alt="Woman in Black Spaghetti Strap Top Meditating by Mikhail Nilov from Pexels" title="Woman in Black Spaghetti Strap Top Meditating by Mikhail Nilov from Pexels" class="wp-image-235140" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_13 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Having an anchor in life – whatever that anchor is – allows you to have clarity amidst all of life’s chaos and confusion. The practice of being anchored can also help you focus your energy on the things that are important to you in life, keeping you moving in the right direction and keeping you on track with meeting your goals. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, here are 5 ways that you can keep yourself anchored – </span></p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_8 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_8 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_6"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/1.png" alt="" title="1" class="wp-image-1486" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_9 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_14 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>Practice a body scan breathing exercise</strong><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – This is a mindfulness meditation practice and is a pretty beneficial way to reconnect with your body, calm your mind and connect with your emotions. You start by finding a comfortable, preferably quiet place to sit or lie down comfortably. Take a few deep breaths and close your eyes. Start at your head and move down to your toes, taking slow deep breaths as you focus on each part of your body. </p> <p>Notice how each part feels, paying special attention to any physical sensations, emotions or thoughts that come up. Keep in mind that there’s no right or wrong way to do it. If you get distracted (which is ok), redirect your mind back to the process and start where you left off. Take a deep breath in, focus on your hands – how do they feel, move your fingers, what sensation do you feel? Do any emotions come up as you move your fingers? Feel the energy flow through your fingers as you move them around. Let your breath out. Count to 5, now move to your chest… and so on.</p> <p>This should help you feel calm, reduce stress and help you feel more connected to your body, something we don’t do enough of. </span></p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_9 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_10 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_7"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/2.png" alt="" title="2" class="wp-image-1487" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_11 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_15 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>Repeat this mantra – <i>I am just (insert name)</i> </strong><span style="font-weight: 400;">– This is an important practice not only of self-acceptance but also of acknowledging that that is who you are. It’s like an anchor to your core identity; to feeling like your authentic self. Whenever you feel lost, repeat this mantra to yourself and allow it to reconnect you with who you really are. Anchor your name to the person you want to be – to your core self. Have it mean something other than “your name”. The things that make you “you” become your “anchor.” Anchoring is the practice of returning to this awareness, grounding yourself back in the person you’ve consciously chosen to be. </p> <p>“</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">I am Alicia. I am a successful writer, loving wife, mother to four fur babies, romantic, world explorer, dreamer and never-say-die optimist</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">”. That’s who I AM. That is my core identity. What’s yours? Have it mean something. So, when you are in doubt, remind yourself of </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">who you ARE. </span></i></p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_10"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_12 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_8"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/Mindfulness-Practices-Woman-Journaling-by-Eliza-Alves-from-corelens.jpg" alt="Mindfulness Practices Woman Journaling by Eliza Alves from corelens" title="Mindfulness Practices Woman Journaling by Eliza Alves from corelens" class="wp-image-235139" /></span> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_11 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_13 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_9"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/3.jpg" alt="" title="3" class="wp-image-1488" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_14 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_16 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>Practice mindfulness in everything you do</strong><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – Ok maybe not everything you do, pick two things. Be realistic. Like mindfully walking or mindfully brushing your teeth. It’s the act of becoming more self-aware and noticing your thoughts and feelings while you perform normal, everyday activities. According to the </span><a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Mayo Clinic</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">, mindfulness is a type of meditation in which you focus on being intensely aware of what you’re sensing and feeling in the moment, without interpretation or judgment. It’s about getting to know yourself through menial acts and not judging how you react to certain banal activities. It’s like getting down to basics and really reacquainting you with you. </span></p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_12 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_15 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_10"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/4.png" alt="" title="4" class="wp-image-1489" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_16 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_17 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>Name three people</strong><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – This is another act in developing better self-awareness. Name three people whose values you are drawn to and with whom you have fostered a deeper personal connection. This exercise will increase your awareness of what qualities you want and what would be impactful for you in that exact moment. You can start by thinking of three people who you admire. These could include celebrities, athletes or family members. Hold them in your mind and list all the qualities you admire about them. Then use the list and look at how you spend your time, energy and resources. Interestingly, the list you generate is like shining a flashlight on the values and skills you aspire to have in your own life. Perhaps you admire someone who speaks eloquently and you want more of that in your life. You could begin spending time with others who possess this quality, take a class to develop this skill or set an intention to act more in that manner throughout the day. </span></p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_13 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_17 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_11"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/5.png" alt="" title="5" class="wp-image-1490" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_18 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_18 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>Visualise and apply</strong> <span style="font-weight: 400;">– This is something you can do every day. Start by visualising your ideal day, what does it look like? Where would you be? What would you be doing? Who would be there with you? How would you feel? Focus on that. Then start with your mini action plan. Ask yourself what you really want for the day, set those goals and then, for that day, take consistent action towards achieving your ultimate vision for the day. I find that having mini goals each day and then working towards achieving them makes it feel less daunting. Like today I have achieved X and that can feel so rewarding when your life feels so untethered. Then, by the end of the week, you’ll have achieved a number of things – making the mountain into a mole hill – easy to traverse. </span></p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_14"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_19 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_19 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span style="font-weight: 400;">All of these exercises are there to help you find your way back to you. They are there to help you plant your feet back onto the ground, tethering you to the Earths’ surface. That way you not only feel connected to yourself, but you can also start building connections to other people, taking daily steps to do more of what is good for you. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, find your anchor, something that resides within you and that remains untouched by the external chaos. It can be your value system, your faith, a creative outlet or a connection with nature. The essence lies in cultivating a connection with yourself. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">By discovering your anchors, you become very selective with your energy and where you direct it. Enjoy the process and above anything else, be kind to yourself during this process. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It’s something my friend and I remind each other of as we undertake to do – at the very least – practice mindfulness while we brush our teeth (it’s twice a day all!), get reconnected with our bodies and remind ourselves about who we </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">are –</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> every single day. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">If you need help in practicing mindfulness or becoming more self-aware while you are finding your anchor, contact Frieda Levycky of </span><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Braving Boundaries</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> who can support you in creating the life you want. </span></p> <p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">(Sources used and to whom we owe thanks – </span></i><a href="https://www.cexperiences.com/how-to-find-a-solid-anchor-for-your-life/"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">CExperiences</span></i></a><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">; </span></i><a href="https://braincleanupcoach.com/how-to-identify-your-anchors/"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Brain CleanUp</span></i></a><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">; </span></i><a href="https://www.gvsu.edu/cms4/asset/8C0B809B-0726-4E3B-1EBA4A40A82D8597/developing-the-anchor_blog.pdf"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Developing the Anchor</span></i></a><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">; </span></i><a href="https://www.kratimehra.com/anchor-grounded-confident-uncertainty/#:~:text=A%20certain%20degree%20of%20self,buy%2C%20or%20your%20social%20image."><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Kratimehra</span></i></a><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">; </span></i><a href="https://medium.com/@shorombo/staying-grounded-in-a-fast-paced-world-the-power-of-personal-anchoring-f04cd9a26897"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Medium</span></i></a><i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> and </span></i><a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Mayo Clinic</span></i></a><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">). </span></i></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_12"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="810" height="450" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/End-of-blog-post-CTA-image-2.jpg" alt="End of blog post CTA" title="End of blog post CTA image (2)" class="wp-image-235137" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_divider et_pb_divider_0 et_pb_divider_position_bottom et_pb_space"><div class="et_pb_divider_internal"></div></div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_15 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_20 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_13"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Alicia-Koch-The-Legal-Belletrist.jpg" alt="" title="Alicia Koch - The Legal Belletrist" class="wp-image-1704" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_21 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_20 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner">About the Author, <strong><em>Alicia Koch, Founder of The Legal Belletrist.</em></strong> Alicia, an admitted attorney with over 10 years PQE, and now a legal writer and researcher, has established The Legal Belletrist to assist companies (in different sectors) to write well-researched articles that speak to each company’s core business, enabling growth and commercialism.</p> <p>Click here to visit <a href="https://legalwhizz.wixsite.com/thelegalbelletrist">The Legal Belletrist website</a>. <strong>Email: <a href="mailto:alicia@thebelletrist.com" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">alicia@thebelletrist.com</a> </strong></div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/when-life-feels-out-of-control/">When life feels out of control: 5 ways to find your anchor</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>https://bravingboundaries.com/when-life-feels-out-of-control/feed/</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>0</slash:comments> </item> <item> <title>The Self-Help Conundrum</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/the-self-help-conundrum/</link> <comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/the-self-help-conundrum/#respond</comments> <dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Sun, 30 Jul 2023 15:11:58 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Finding direction and purpose]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Motivation]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-awareness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-care]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-reflection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Stress & Anxiety]]></category> <category><![CDATA[work-life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[anxiety]]></category> <category><![CDATA[confidence]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Counselling]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Emotional intelligence]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Empowerment]]></category> <category><![CDATA[goal setting]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Growth]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Growth mindset]]></category> <category><![CDATA[happiness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[inspiration]]></category> <category><![CDATA[life coaching]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Mindfulness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[motivation]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Personal awareness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Personal development]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Positive thinking]]></category> <category><![CDATA[productivity]]></category> <category><![CDATA[resilience]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-awareness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-help books]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-improvement]]></category> <category><![CDATA[success]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Therapy]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Well-being]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=5595</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>Are you a lover or hater of self-help books? Join Alicia and me as we explore the pros and cons of the self-help world.</p> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-self-help-conundrum/">The Self-Help Conundrum</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="et_pb_section et_pb_section_2 et_section_regular" > <div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_16"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_22 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_21 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h5><span style="color: #be9727;"><em>CO-WRITTEN BY FRIEDA LEVYCKY, FOUNDER OF <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a style="color: #be9727; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://www.bravingboundaries.com/">BRAVING BOUNDARIES</a></span>, AND ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a style="color: #be9727; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://legalwhizz.wixsite.com/thelegalbelletrist">THE LEGAL BELLETRIST</a></span> </em></span></h5> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;"><br /> Self-help books seem to divide the world into two camps (a bit like Marmite): The lovers and the haters.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I hadn’t realised this until I suggested to Alicia that we write a joint article on the self-help books which have shaped our lives and our careers. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">But I don’t believe in self-help books</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">”, came the response. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Really?</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">”, I asked in surprise.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Nope. It really annoys me that anyone (often with no qualifications whatsoever) thinks its ok to tell you that if you ‘follow my method’ or ‘learn from my experience’ you can be more successful, thinner, happier … you name it.</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">” </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Hmmm… she has a point. But, I think it is a little unfair to smash self-help books as a whole. I personally see a lot of value in them.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, instead of proposing a list of self-help books that have changed our lives, we have decided to provide a narrative on the pros and cons of the self-help world.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We hope you read both sides of the argument and challenge your existing beliefs. Maybe you find that self-help books do have their place and could be beneficial for you? Or maybe you realise that self-help books can only get you so far and that sometimes investing in external support is required. That’s up to you though. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We just hope you enjoy the read. </span></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_22 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong>Self-help books – The non-believers (Alicia’s viewpoint)</strong></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_14"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/Self-help-books-3.jpg" alt="" title="Self help books (3)" class="wp-image-5618" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_23 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><span style="font-weight: 400;">The other day I was browsing in my favourite bookshop. Walking around the store I read title after title and found myself – quite unexpectedly – in the Self-Help section.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Not my usual preference. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">As I stood there looking at the rows of “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">How-To’s”</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> and “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Do-You’s?” </span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">I admit to having a certain degree of curiosity. Enough to find myself picking up one book and reading the back of it. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">To summarise – the book promised to help guide you through “some of your most difficult times and help you find a place of serenity and happiness”. I’m paraphrasing here because it said a lot more than that. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It was a tall undertaking by the author (who shall remain nameless) – all for the nominal price of ZAR680. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">This book promised to do what no other psychiatrist or clinical psychologist would promise (especially in one session and especially to that degree of certainty). And at an absolute bargain – considering that the going rate for a mental health professional has a far heftier price tag. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">That got me thinking – </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">who are the people extracting the most value out of these self-help books? </span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">And</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> how effective are they? </span></i></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">As a non-believer in the self-help movement, I think it’s only fair that I apply some reason and scientific analysis to my approach or face – perhaps – missing out on the greatest invention of all time.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">With the sheer volume of titles on the Self-Help shelves there </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">must be </span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">quite a tally of bodies that flock to the stores, that sign up for the newsletters and that attend the “sold-out” shows of the latest “Guru”.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">If there weren’t, there wouldn’t be a section in any book shop with titles like </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> (which is – as fate would have it – the only somewhat self-help </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">styled</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> book I have ever read. And that’s saying something since it’s touted as the counterintuitive kind). </span></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_24 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong>What are self-help books?</strong></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_25 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Before we get started, it’s worth reminding ourselves what self-help books are. In short, they are books which instruct or give advice on how to improve yourself. This could be physically, mentally, financially, spiritually or otherwise. The idea is that by reading a self-help book you are capable of improving your current position without the need of external resources, advice or support. In other words – </span><span style="font-weight: 400;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">you help yourself</span>.</span></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_26 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong>So, whose reading these books?</strong></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_15"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/BB-Blog-images-Self-help-books-1.jpg" alt="" title="BB - Blog images - Self help books (1)" class="wp-image-5621" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_27 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><span style="font-weight: 400;">According to </span><a href="https://blog.gitnux.com/self-help-industry-statistics/#:~:text=Over%2045%2C300%20new%20self%2Dhelp,how%20to%20improve%20one's%20life." target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Gitnux, “</span></a><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">over 45,300 new self-help books were published in 2020”, </span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">with</span> <a href="https://www.marketwatch.com/press-release/global-self-improvement-products-services-market-2023-2030-estimated-to-reach-worth-usd-5607374-million-growing-at-a-cagr-of-513-2023-04-25" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Marketwatch</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> predicting that the self-help market would reach a total value of “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">USD 56073.74 Million by the End of 2030”</span></i><b>. </b><span style="font-weight: 400;">That’s a compounded annual growth of around 5.13% expected till 2030. The average reader of self-help books buys 3 a year. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Let’s face it, those are not only big figures (backed by sound scientific research) but a rather large readership. </span></p> <p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Am I missing something?</span></i></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I remember the hype that surrounded the launch of </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Secret-Rhonda-Byrne/dp/1582701709" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">The Secret</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> by Rhona Byrne in 2006 – first a movie that “revealed the great mystery of the universe” – and following that (and a little after the release of the movie), a book that became a worldwide bestseller.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Every single – female – member of my family was hooked. Everyone was talking about it. Everyone believed it would turn their humdrum lives into something masterful and full of opportunity. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I had my doubts. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">For starters, The Secret said that the skills learned could be used in </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">“every aspect of your life—money, health, relationships, happiness, and in every interaction, you have in the world. You’ll begin to understand the hidden, untapped power that’s within you, and this revelation can bring joy to every aspect of your life”</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> (</span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Secret-Rhonda-Byrne/dp/1582701709" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Amazon</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">). </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It sounds incredible… Wait just a second. All I have to do is </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">foresee the thing I want to happen, happen? To truly believe it will. And it shall be?</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> It felt far, far too easy. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, there I sat the day before my final exam of my worst subject in University – Economics – and truly believed (and in fact, foresaw) me acing the exam. Achieving an A. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Well, surprise, surprise – that didn’t happen. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I passed that exam by the skin of my teeth actually. I should have spent more time studying than “foreseeing the event happen”. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Perhaps that wasn’t the purpose of The Secret. Perhaps I’m oversimplifying. </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">But that was the value I extracted from it. </span></i></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Which then led me to ask – was it only my female family members that read The Secret – and by extension – all other self-help books? Because I don’t remember my father, my uncles or my (then) boyfriend reading it. Or any other self-help book on the shelves. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The answer to that is funnily enough – yes. Generally speaking. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Turning to </span><a href="https://blog.gitnux.com/self-help-industry-statistics/#:~:text=Women%20make%20up%20the%20majority,this%20when%20marketing%20their%20books." target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Gitnux</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> again – </span></p> <blockquote><p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">“Women make up the majority of self-help book readers, and African Americans have the highest percentage of self-help book buyers. Most self-help book buyers are under 45 years old and purchase books through planned purchases in chain bookstores, online, or through a friend’s recommendation”.</span></i></p></blockquote> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, essentially, an African (American or not) woman under 45, that frequents a bookstore (or shops for titles online) would be the self-help market’s perfect target audience. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Bollocks to that I say. It can’t be. That’s far too general. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So why then is success coach, public speaker, self-help author and actor, </span><a href="https://www.tonyrobbins.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Tony Robbins</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> estimated to have net worth of around $600 Million (</span><a href="https://wealthygorilla.com/tony-robbins-net-worth/" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Wealthy Gorilla</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">)?</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Again, have I missed something?</span></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_28 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong>Do self-help books work?</strong></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_16"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/Self-help-books-1.jpg" alt="" title="Self help books (1)" class="wp-image-5616" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_29 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><span style="font-weight: 400;">The premise of seeking advice from a self-help book is that you do – in fact – need help. Funny that since it’s kind of in the title of the genre. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But the people that need help (and quickly) often turn to the wisdom and knowledge of “mentors” like Robbins (who has made a success of his self-help career), rather than seeking the professional mental health support and care they most probably desperately need. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Sure, reading </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">how to turn your life around in ten easy steps</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> from the women who turned her love for fudge into a word-wide sensation, can give one hope. It makes you see possibilities in the world and in your circumstance that maybe you didn’t see before. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And that’s a great thing if it does.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Technically there isn’t anything wrong, per se, with the advice of the Queen of the Fudge Empire. It </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">can be inspiring</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">. But the problem I have with it is that it’s just her view. It’s just her experience. It doesn’t mean that because you can bake a decent batch of muffins, you will become the Muffin Monarch just because you did what the Fudge Queen told you to do in her book. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And yes, I know that’s not the purpose of the self-help genre. I know that. But I do believe </span><a href="https://medium.com/@crismaximilian?source=post_page-----7737df3aa6e9--------------------------------" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Cristofer Maximilian</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> in his article </span><a href="https://medium.com/@crismaximilian/self-help-books-dont-work-here-s-why-7737df3aa6e9" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Self-Help Books Don’t Work — Here’s Why</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> when he says – </span></p> <blockquote><p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">“While people lose themselves in a sea of advice, suggestions, routines, and “hacks”, they also lose sight of the fact that no amount of information will change this simple fact: </span></i><b><i>in order to succeed or improve in any area of your life, you need to actually do something”</i></b><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">.</span></i></p></blockquote> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And there it is. For me at least. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">You can’t just read the book and expect a miracle. </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">You need to act. You need to want to make the change. You need to put in the work.</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> And that’s where having a professional coach, psychiatrist or psychologist can be far more beneficial. Why? Because they hold you accountable and support you whilst doing so. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When we’re done with the book, most of us put it back on our shelves. Maybe we sign up for the monthly newsletter. Maybe we read it every second month or so. Maybe we even attend a seminar (or webinar) hosted by the author. But are we really implementing the change we need in our lives? Are we really acting on the – well-meaning and well-intended but perhaps not exactly professional – advice of the self-help author?</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The answer is most likely no. Again, generally speaking.</span></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_30 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><b>Reasons why I believe self-help books don’t work</b></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_31 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Author of </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">, </span><a href="https://markmanson.net/self-help" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Mark Manson </span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">sets out five major problems with the self-help industry (that are unlikely to go away). I have (partly) paraphrased for ease of the reading – </span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_17 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_23 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_17"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/1.png" alt="" title="1" class="wp-image-1486" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_24 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_32 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><strong>Self-help reinforces perceptions of inferiority and shame</strong> –<span style="font-weight: 400;"> there are (generally speaking) two types of people who purchase self-help books. Those that feel they can simply improve on their lives with a few little tips and tricks and those that feel that there’s fundamentally something wrong with them. Those that just want to improve themselves will read a self-help book and go “Ok, I can do that” and not feel disparaged by the contents of the book. Those that feel there’s something fundamentally wrong with them will take the content in the book and use it to make themselves feel even worse about themselves. Because “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">the irony here is that the pre-requisite for self-help to be effective is the one crucial thing that self-help cannot actually help: </span></i><a href="http://amzn.to/2BHZotI" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><b><i>accept yourself as a good person who makes mistakes</i></b></a><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">”</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">.</span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_18 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_25 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_18"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/2.png" alt="" title="2" class="wp-image-1487" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_26 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_33 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><strong>Self-help is often yet another form of avoidance</strong><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – if you suffer with anxiety (like I do) reading a self-help book has two consequences. The first is you replace one neuroticism with another one (in other words instead of feeling anxious about performing in my role as a legal practitioner, I start my own baking business and then become worried about not performing there too). And two, reading the book and implementing the thoughts and advice in the book leads to avoiding the issue altogether. The book becomes more important than dealing with the problem. And that’s not self-helping anyone.</span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_19 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_27 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_19"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/3.jpg" alt="" title="3" class="wp-image-1488" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_28 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_34 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><strong>Self-help marketing creates unrealistic expectations</strong><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – The Secret comes to mind here. The incentive for the self-help market is not enforcing real change. Instead, the only thing they need to do is create the perception of change. Real or imagined. You see all these people living their best lives because they did steps 1 – 6 out of XYZ self-help book and you feel let down because it isn’t working for you. That’s setting yourself up to fail. </span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_20 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_29 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_20"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/4.png" alt="" title="4" class="wp-image-1489" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_30 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_35 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><strong>Self-help is (usually) not scientifically validated</strong><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – The fact is</span> <span style="font-weight: 400;">people without qualifications, without degrees and with little real expert knowledge of the human brain, psyche and serious mental health issues often write these novels. I mean what gives them the right to give other people advice? And should people really be listening to them?</span></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_21"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/Self-help-books-2.jpg" alt="" title="Self help books (2)" class="wp-image-5617" /></span> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_21 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_31 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_22"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/5.png" alt="" title="5" class="wp-image-1490" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_32 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_36 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><strong>Self-help is a contradiction</strong><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – self-help amounts to self-improvement. Simple as that. And the purpose of self-improvement is to improve on yourself. To enhance what you already have. Is to accept yourself as is and be happy with that – only needing slight tweaks here and there. The person who has a fundamental problem with who they are is not going to find the help they need. They are looking to replace one aspect of who they are with something else. Something better. That person will never succeed. Instead, they will become bogged down by the </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">“nonsense and pseudo-science and suppress your feelings of inadequacy rather than deal with them head-on”. </span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Again, who is that self-helping?</span><span style="font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: 0.06em;"> </span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_22"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_33 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_37 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><span style="font-weight: 400;">For me, self-help books create more problems for the people who need real help from medical professionals. Reading a book will not result in real change. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And that seems counterintuitive. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But I’m a cynic.</span></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_38 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><b>Self-help books – The believers (Frieda’s viewpoint)</b></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_23"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/BB-Blog-images-Self-help-books.jpg" alt="" title="BB - Blog images - Self help books" class="wp-image-5620" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_39 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Cynical or not, Ali’s viewpoint has its merits. Achieving our goals and dreams requires a lot more than just believing that they are possible. I’d love it if I could think myself to becoming the fastest trail runner on the mountain, but the reality is that if that ever has a chance in hell of happening, I’m going to need to take action. So, Ali and I are in agreement on that point.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I also agree that the motivation driving individuals to pen a self-help book is not selfless. There is undoubtedly a benefit for the author: it forms part of a marketing strategy; they gain recognition as an author; and there is sheer reward and pride in being able to write a book. Gosh, I genuinely hope one day that I find the courage to write my own book.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Selfish or not though, given the effort and time it takes to write a book, I believe that authors of self-help books have a genuine desire to help people. And, even if they are not qualified therapists, people’s stories have the power to provide new perspective and insight, encourage self-reflection and provide a sense of hope. In fact, many psychologists, coaches and therapists often recommend self-help books as a means of developing self-awareness between sessions and helping individuals process issues through the use of stories. It’s called </span><a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/bibliotherapy"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">bibliotherapy</span></i></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">. </span></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_40 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><b>Reasons why I believe there is a place for self-help books</b></h2></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_23 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_34 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_24"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/1.png" alt="" title="1" class="wp-image-1486" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_35 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_41 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><strong>They are affordable </strong><i>– </i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Not everyone can afford therapy or coaching (no matter how much they may need it). It’s the reality of the world we live in. Self-help books provide an accessible and affordable means of gaining insight into issues which individuals are facing. The self-help book genre tackles the full range of topics: from improving self-esteem, coping with stress and developing communication skills to discovering your potential, improving personal relationships and enhancing emotional awareness. Having the ability to read around a topic on which you are struggling and learning from the experience of others is a natural way that humans progress and develop awareness in this world. Why should that be any different merely because it now has the label: “self-help” attached to it.</span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_24 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_36 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_25"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/2.png" alt="" title="2" class="wp-image-1487" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_37 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_42 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>They are relatable</strong> – <span style="font-weight: 400;">Prior to my own therapy back in 2014, a friend recommended I listen to the audiobook: </span><a href="https://brenebrown.com/book/the-power-of-vulnerability/">“<em>The Power of Vulnerability</em>” by Brené Brown</a><span style="font-weight: 400;"></span><span style="font-weight: 400;">. She was concerned about my inability to set boundaries both in my professional and personal life and could see it was affecting my self-esteem. For me, the power of the book was in its relatability. I was able to connect my struggles with self-worth to those reflected in the book which, in turn, encouraged me to question and challenge my beliefs and thus my negative self-talk. It is a book I will always recommend to clients struggling with self-esteem issues. Brene Brown is so relatable and her tone and delivery allow you to shed the layers of embarrassment and shame that is often attached to low self-esteem. Exposure to that book satisfied my need to belong and feel understood and became my first step to seeking the professional help I required.</span></p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_25 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_38 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_26"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/3.jpg" alt="" title="3" class="wp-image-1488" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_39 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_43 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><strong>You gain a sense of autonomy </strong>– <span style="font-weight: 400;">There are two dominant drivers for reaching out for a self-help book: You either want to learn something new or improve the way you are approaching something (a more proactive, enhancing approach) or you are experiencing a crisis and your existing coping mechanisms are no longer stepping up to the task (a more help-seeking approach). In the latter case, everything feels off balance and you often find yourself feeling stuck and incapable of shifting out of the situation. It’s not a fun place to be. Although potentially not a replacement for coaching or therapy, relevant self-help books can help to restore a sense of autonomy and agency.</span> <span style="font-weight: 400;">The action of purchasing and reading a self-help book restores your mobility and gaining a new perspective on the situation acts as a stepping-stone to restoring equilibrium. You are helping yourself.</span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_26 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_40 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_27"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/4.png" alt="" title="4" class="wp-image-1489" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_41 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_44 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><strong>You may not need therapy</strong> <i>– </i><span style="font-weight: 400;">As mentioned above, self-help books are not all about fixing you or helping you cope. There is a whole genre of self-help books which are about skill-enhancement, creating self-awareness and assisting with growth and development. You don’t need a therapist for that! Learning from other people’s experiences and what has worked for them is a great way to add new tools to your own skill set. If I’m a new mum, why wouldn’t I want to learn tips and tricks from mothers who have raised 3 kids? If I’m a workaholic, why wouldn’t I want to hear the story of how a former workaholic managed to flip her life into something a lot more fulfilling and balanced? Sometimes all you want and all you need is a new perspective from someone who has walked a similar path before you. A bit of inspiration. What you do with that information is completely up to you. Some things may work, others may not. But without reading those stories, you may never have discovered those techniques or approaches. Who’s at a loss then?</span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_27 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_42 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_28"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/5.png" alt="" title="5" class="wp-image-1490" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_43 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_45 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>You continue to grow and learn </strong><i>–</i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> One of Ali’s arguments is that self-help amounts to self-improvement. She argues that we should be seeking self-acceptance rather than self-improvement, and self-help books discourage this. I’m all for self-acceptance i.e. fully embracing who you are, without judgement or comparison to others. However, there is an innate </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">need</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> for humans to grow and develop. Take a look a </span><a href="https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-maslow-hierarchy-of-needs">Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs</a> <span style="font-weight: 400;">below:</span></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_29"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="768" height="500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/BB-Blog-images-Maslows-needs.png" alt="" title="Maslow's hierarchy of needs" class="wp-image-5610" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_46 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Once we have satisfied our lower-level needs of safety, security, love and belonging and we’ve reached a stage of healthy self-esteem, we still need purpose. Needs motivate us. Self-help isn’t about self-improvement (i.e. you are not good enough as you are). Self-help is about self-expansion (i.e. acquiring resources, gaining new perspectives, growing).</span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_28"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_44 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_47 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><b>Conclusion</b></h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Whether you’re a cynic like Alicia, or believer like Frieda, one thing is for sure – there is a huge readership of self-help books. And there’s clearly reason for it.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">As Frieda has highlighted, self-help books do serve a purpose in the therapy/coaching spectrum. They are affordable, accessible, relatable and serve to help individuals address their problems. However, in this “helping” context, we both agree, that they are no substitute for the help of a therapist/coach. If you feel that you really need help, we encourage you to seek the guidance and support of a mental health professional who can support, guide and help you achieve mental wellness. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">On the flip-side, it’s important to remember that self-help books are not all about fixing problems. They exist for self-expansion; to provide inspiration; to generate new ideas; to help you grow. You don’t need a therapist/coach for that. Self-help books – in Frieda’s opinion at least – serve a very valid purpose.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">One final point to make is this. Whatever your views about self-help books, please remember that self-help books are not gospel. They provide the author’s perspective and opinion on a topic which is based on how they see the world and/or how they have analysed data presented to them. It doesn’t mean it’s right. It merely provides a perspective. When reading a self-help book, you therefore have a responsibility to question what you’re reading. Does this apply to me? Do I agree with it? Are my own beliefs and experiences influencing the way I’m interpreting this book?</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We hope this article has given you some food for thought.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">One thing we can both agree on though is this – </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">happy reading (whatever genre of book you choose)!</span></i></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_29"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_45 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_divider et_pb_divider_1 et_pb_divider_position_bottom et_pb_space"><div class="et_pb_divider_internal"></div></div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_30 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_46 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_30"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Alicia-Koch-The-Legal-Belletrist.jpg" alt="" title="Alicia Koch - The Legal Belletrist" class="wp-image-1704" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_47 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_48 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p>About the Co-author, <strong><em>Alicia Koch, Founder of The Legal Belletrist.</em></strong> Alicia, an admitted attorney with over 10 years PQE, and now a legal writer and researcher, has established The Legal Belletrist to assist companies (in different sectors) to write well-researched articles that speak to each company’s core business, enabling growth and commercialism.</p> <p>Click here to visit <a href="https://legalwhizz.wixsite.com/thelegalbelletrist">The Legal Belletrist website</a>. Email: <a href="mailto:alicia@thebelletrist.com" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">alicia@thebelletrist.com</a> </p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_31"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_48 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_31"> <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/work-with-me/individual-coaching/"><span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="810" height="450" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/Copy-of-linkedin-filler-pictures-7.jpg" alt="" title="Copy of linkedin filler pictures (7)" class="wp-image-5630" /></span></a> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-self-help-conundrum/">The Self-Help Conundrum</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>https://bravingboundaries.com/the-self-help-conundrum/feed/</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>0</slash:comments> </item> <item> <title>I’m a grown up! – And still being bullied….</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-bullying/</link> <comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-bullying/#respond</comments> <dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Tue, 22 Jun 2021 09:48:54 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Comfort over coffee]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Lawyer Life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Working environment]]></category> <category><![CDATA[attorney]]></category> <category><![CDATA[attorney life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[attorneys]]></category> <category><![CDATA[big law]]></category> <category><![CDATA[big law life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[bullied adults]]></category> <category><![CDATA[bullying]]></category> <category><![CDATA[cold shoulder]]></category> <category><![CDATA[cyber bullying]]></category> <category><![CDATA[cyber-bullying]]></category> <category><![CDATA[executive coaching]]></category> <category><![CDATA[human resources]]></category> <category><![CDATA[ignoring]]></category> <category><![CDATA[institutional bullying]]></category> <category><![CDATA[intimidation]]></category> <category><![CDATA[junior associate]]></category> <category><![CDATA[junior attorney]]></category> <category><![CDATA[junior lawyer]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer careers]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer coach]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer lifestyle]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer problems]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer tips]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyers]]></category> <category><![CDATA[leadership]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal environment]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal firm life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal professionals]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal recruitment]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal secretaries]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal world]]></category> <category><![CDATA[life coach]]></category> <category><![CDATA[life coaching]]></category> <category><![CDATA[life lessons]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health advocate]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health awareness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health matters]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental wellbeing]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental wellness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[ostracism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[ostracizm]]></category> <category><![CDATA[partner]]></category> <category><![CDATA[passive aggressive]]></category> <category><![CDATA[passive-aggressive]]></category> <category><![CDATA[professional coaching]]></category> <category><![CDATA[resilience]]></category> <category><![CDATA[retaliation]]></category> <category><![CDATA[social exclusion]]></category> <category><![CDATA[sticks and stones]]></category> <category><![CDATA[toxic work environments]]></category> <category><![CDATA[toxic workplace]]></category> <category><![CDATA[trust in yourself]]></category> <category><![CDATA[unjustified criticism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[verbal bullying]]></category> <category><![CDATA[words will never hurt me]]></category> <category><![CDATA[workplace bullying]]></category> <category><![CDATA[workplace ostracism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[you matter]]></category> <category><![CDATA[young attorney]]></category> <category><![CDATA[young lawyer]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=2993</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>Bullying is not OK. In any situation. No matter the environment. Or your age. And it has no place in a business that wants to be successful.</p> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-bullying/">I’m a grown up! – And still being bullied….</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[ <h5 class="wp-block-heading"><em>WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF <a href="https://www.thelegalbelletrist.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">THE LEGAL BELLETRIST</a></em></h5> <p></p> <p><em>Linked article: <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-ostracism-addressing-the-intangible-office-bully/">Workplace Ostracism: Tackling the silent office bully</a></em></p> <p>When I think back to my school days, I recall kids taunting other kids because they had braces or freckles or perhaps their skirts were too long. But I recall, quite traumatically, how I was teased. Relentlessly. All because I wore a hearing-aid in one ear.</p> <p>Kids thought that meant I had a mental disorder. That I was in some way mentally slower than them. Not that I couldn’t hear. It was cruel. I wasn’t invited to play with others, I was ostracized and made to feel ashamed. Like there was something inherently wrong with me. So much so that I refused to wear my hearing-aid going into High School, rather relying on lip reading.</p> <p><em>Something I still do to this day. </em>The coping mechanism just stuck with me.</p> <p>But that was on the playground. And I had hoped it would stay there.</p> <p>But it didn’t. It just happened differently as I got older.</p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>Bullied adults</em></strong></h2> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="640" height="480" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/bullying-in-the-workplace1.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3003"/></figure> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <p>Before adults think that they are immune to being bullied and that bullying is simply <em>“part of being a child”</em>, think again. Because it extends to the workplace too.</p> <p>According to a 2017 survey by the <a href="https://www.uwsp.edu/conted/Documents/FOCUS/C5 and E2 See handout_workplace bullying stats.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Workplace Bullying Institute</a>, 38% of Americans are bullied or witness bullying, 61% of Americans are aware of abusive conduct in the workplace and 60.4 million Americans are affected by it.</p> <p>And those are staggering numbers.</p> <p>According to <a href="https://www.acas.org.uk/if-youre-treated-unfairly-at-work/being-bullied" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">ACAS</a> in the UK, workplace bullying is behaviour from a person or group of people that is unwanted and makes you feel uncomfortable. It is harmful, often targeted behaviour that may be spiteful, offensive, mocking, intimidating or ostracizing. It can also be in the form of verbal, physical, social or psychological abuse.</p> <p>At a high level, the effects of bullying can be anxiety, depression, low self-worth, feeling intimidated, having low morale, feeling hopeless and stressed out. In addition, bullying can affect the business: resulting in poor work performance, high levels of sick leave, valuable employees leaving the business, and a hostile environment that can trickle down the ranks of the workplace becoming obvious to customers and business associates alike. The result? A detrimental impact to their brand and business reputation.</p> <p>But it extends beyond that too.</p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>The wider implications of bullying</em></strong></h2> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="640" height="480" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/bullying-in-the-workplace2-Small.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3012"/></figure> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <p>In an article titled <a href="https://www.thehrdirector.com/features/health-and-wellbeing/bullying-is-systemic-in-the-workplace-despite-working-from-home/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Bullying is systemic, even working from home</a>, bullying in the workplace is identified as a systemic problem related to <strong><em>the actions and reactions of an organisation</em></strong> (which is often deep rooted in the core of a business). It also affects the individuals involved, as well as all those who witness the behaviour – the so-called “bystanders”.</p> <p>Whilst bystanders may be willing to actively help and support the target, it is more often than not very difficult for them to stand up against the bully. Often they themselves fear retaliation from the bully, may fear losing their own job or may believe that they do not have enough “organisational authority” to intervene.</p> <p>In some other instances, the bystander might either ignore the bullying or frame it as “normal behaviour”, especially when it is recurrent within the organisation without consequences or without the perpetrator being held accountable.</p> <p>Importantly, the organisation’s response or lack of response to bullying in the workplace is critical.<strong><em> Where there is no accountability for bullying in an organisation, it can quickly become an entrenched problem.</em></strong> And when this happens, there are ramifications not only for the employees but the business’s bottom line – <em>unhappy staff are not productive staff.</em></p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>Cyber-Bullying</em></strong></h2> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="640" height="480" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/bullying-in-the-workplace5.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3008"/></figure> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <p>With COVID (and the resulting lockdown), there is an increase in remote working blurring the lines between work and home life. As a result, digital bullying and discrimination (aka cyber bullying) has become a major challenge. Workplace bullying is now happening from afar – leaving no visible scars, going unreported and, as a result, not showing up in statistics.</p> <p>Even worse is the fact that bullies can reach their victims at all times of the day due to the increased use of and reliance on technology to communicate. Seemingly expecting employees to now be available 24/7.</p> <p>According to the article <a href="https://www.kingsleynapley.co.uk/insights/blogs/employment-law-blog/cyber-bullying-in-the-workplace-during-remote-working" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Cyber bullying in the workplace during remote working</a>, examples of cyber bullying include –</p> <p><em>“frequent interruptions during virtual meetings, unkind emails and repeated and excessive emails from managers. Some employees may “hide behind their screens” and not uphold the usual standards expected of them”.</em></p> <p>The situation of workplace bullying is at an all-time high and is a dire situation that needs to be addressed. Concerning is the fact that with most incidents going unreported, the only solution for some victims is to simply leave their jobs.</p> <p>But it is important to note that whether an employee feels excluded or otherwise bullied by colleagues, it does not matter whether that behaviour takes place electronically or in person.</p> <p>The emotional turmoil to the victim and risk to the business remains the same.</p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><span style="color:#c69229" class="has-inline-color"><strong><em>Bullying –</em> <em>This </em></strong></span><em><strong>is not a “sticks and stones” situation</strong></em></h2> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="640" height="480" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/bullying-in-the-workplace8.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3011"/></figure> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <p>Whilst we already know that workplace bullying can take many forms including verbal abuse, offensive behaviours, unjustified criticism, singling someone out for the wrong reasons, excluding employees, or embarrassing or humiliating them. There are others too.</p> <p>Let’s unpack this a little –</p> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-1 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/1-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1486" width="100" height="100"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p><strong>Verbal bullying</strong> – this could include mockery, humiliation, jokes at another’s expense, gossip, or other spoken abuse like <em>calling someone worthless or insinuating that they are not worth their pay, even telling them to go back to law school just because they disagreed with the decision of the CEO (</em>happened to me);</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-2 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="1024" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/2-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1487"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p><strong>Intimidation </strong>– this could include threats, work sabotage and interference, stealing or taking credit for ideas; spying, or other invasions of privacy. Anything to make you feel “small” and insignificant;</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-3 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/3-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1488"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p><strong>Social exclusion in the workplace</strong> like cold-shouldering or ostracizing (something we discussed in our article <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-ostracism-addressing-the-intangible-office-bully/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Workplace Ostracism: Tackling The Silent Office Bully</a>) can leave you feeling like you are not liked, trusted or respected by your colleagues. And this affects your confidence, taking an emotional toll on you and how you see yourself fitting within an organization,</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-4 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/4-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1489"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p><strong>Passive aggressive behaviour</strong> – when a colleague or manager harbours negative feelings towards you but expresses them indirectly. In other words, <em>they don’t say what they mean</em>. They may be angry, jealous, or upset, but they mask their emotions through <em>indirect hostility</em>. And this can make you feel confused. Bewildered even. Almost like you are going insane because the “bully” hasn’t actually said what they mean – it’s all done through intonation! <em>Did they say what they mean or do I need to read between the lines?</em></p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-5 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="1024" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/5-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1490"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p><strong>Unjustified criticism</strong> – this could include wrongful blame, harsh and undue criticism without a reason as to why;</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-6 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="1024" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/6-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1491"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p><strong>Unwarranted retaliation</strong> – sometimes just talking about the bullying can lead to accusations of lying, further exclusion, refused promotions, or being excluded from important work meetings or emails, and</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-7 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="1024" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/7-1024x1024.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1882"/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p><strong>Institutional bullying</strong> – this is when a workplace accepts, allows, and even encourages bullying to take place. This bullying might include <em>unrealistic performance goals, expected and unrealistic overtime, or singling out those who can’t keep up</em> <em>(not worth their salaries)</em> –<strong><em>But how do you *really* know if you are being bullied?</em></strong></p> </div> </div> <p></p> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>But how do you *really* know if you are being bullied?</em></strong></h2> <p>Again, this is not a <em>“sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me</em>” situation.</p> <p>When made to feel like a social pariah, you start to wonder whether being bullied is <em>your own fault</em>. Whether you deserve it. Whether you imagined it. Especially when the bullying has been consistent and subtle over a sustained period. You might start to doubt your own sanity or convince yourself that the behaviour is actually OK. That it is warranted.</p> <p>Maybe you are told to <em>“grow thicker skin”</em> that these actions are entirely normal and that <em>“you are too sensitive”</em> (again, this happened to me). Continuous doubt creeps in.</p> <p><em>Is it actually you? Your fault? </em>The answer to that is simple:<em> <strong>NO!</strong></em></p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><em><strong><span style="color:#c69229" class="has-inline-color">Here are some examples of actions that could amount to bullying:</span></strong></em></h2> <p>1. You may become completely ostracized. Co-workers might become quiet or leave the room when you walk in or they might simply ignore you</p> <p>2. You might be intentionally left out of office culture, such as chitchat, parties, or team lunches</p> <p>3. Your supervisor or manager might check on you very often or ask you to meet multiple times a week without a clear reason as to why</p> <p>4. You may be asked to do new tasks or tasks outside your typical duties or outside your skill set without training or help (even when you request it)</p> <p>5. It may seem like your work is frequently monitored, to the point where you begin to doubt yourself and start to experience difficulty when trying to undertake your regular tasks</p> <p>6. You might be asked to do difficult or seemingly pointless tasks and be ridiculed or criticised when you can’t get them done</p> <p>7. You may notice a pattern of your documents, files, other work-related items, or personal belongings going missing</p> <p>8. You may be ridiculed, told you cannot handle your work, need more training but then not told why</p> <p>9. You could be purposely misled about work duties, like incorrect deadlines or unclear directions</p> <p>10. There could be continued denial of requests for time off without an appropriate or valid reason why</p> <p>11. You could experience threats to your personal standing – for example, nasty comments about your physical appearance or personality</p> <p>12. You could also be told not to bill working hours, so that someone more senior than you can take the rewards</p> <p>13. You could be the victim of targeted practical jokes.</p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <p>These incidents may seem random at first. But if they continue, you may worry something you did caused them and fear you will be fired or demoted. Thinking about work, even on your time off, may cause anxiety, fear and stress. Affecting your health physically, emotionally and mentally.</p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>Bullying in the legal profession</em></strong></h2> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="640" height="480" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/bullying-in-the-workplace6.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3009"/></figure> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <p>Unfortunately, the legal profession is not immune to bullying.</p> <p>In the article <a href="https://www.lawsociety.ie/gazette/in-depth/bullying-in-the-workplace/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Make it stop</a> by the Law Society Gazette in Ireland, the following was set out –</p> <p><em>“research has shown that legal professionals who generate high profits for firms are sometimes tolerated, despite their bullying behaviour, displaying immunity from firms’ anti-bullying policies. This feeds in, significantly, to organisational culture and is noticed and felt by employees at all levels in the workplace”.</em></p> <p>In fact, the <a href="https://www.ibanet.org/article/09C3DA0E-723F-4E21-9A7E-AA0DFF1FB627" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">International Bar Association (IBA)</a> has published the initial results of a global evaluation (the “<strong>survey</strong>”) into the wellbeing of the legal profession. This survey undertaken from July 2020–December 2020, garnered responses from more than three thousand individuals and over 80 legal organisations, including bar associations, law societies, in-house legal departments and law firms.</p> <p>The survey confirmed that lawyer wellbeing is a cause for global concern –</p> <p><em>“The wellbeing index scores gathered from the survey data (based on the World Health Organisation’s WHO-5 indexing methodology) demonstrate that lawyers’ levels of wellbeing are below the global average in every regional forum. Although they may differ in manifestation, no one jurisdiction has a monopoly on these issues</em></p> <p><em>Stigma is a major problem: 41 per cent of respondents said that they could not discuss wellbeing issues with their employer without worrying that it would damage their career or livelihoods</em></p> <p><em>Awareness about local and international wellbeing support and services available is low, and, in many jurisdictions, wellbeing support or services do not currently exist: 22 per cent of respondents said that no wellbeing help, guidance or support was in place in their jurisdiction</em></p> <p><em>A large disparity between the number of institutions that say they have wellbeing initiatives in place (73 per cent), and the extent to which those in managerial positions are offered any sort of wellbeing training (16 per cent).</em></p> <p><em>Findings show that experiences of bullying are widespread in the legal profession, with half of the women and a third of men reporting experiences of bullying victimisation. In 57% of cases, the bullying episodes were not reported by the targets”.</em></p> <p>There is clearly (and still) a crisis in terms of mental wellbeing in the legal community. Globally.</p> <p>One surprising finding from the <a href="https://www.ibanet.org/article/09C3DA0E-723F-4E21-9A7E-AA0DFF1FB627" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">IBA survey</a> however, is the fact that the majority of legal participants in the survey have found healthy coping strategies (compared to previous years), including meditation, yoga and a healthy diet, as opposed to the use of alcohol or recreational drugs as a means of coping.</p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>So what is the solution to workplace bullying?</em></strong></h2> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="640" height="480" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/bullying-in-the-workplace7.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3010"/></figure> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <p>Bullying can have significant and serious effects on physical, emotional and mental health. So, whilst leaving your job or changing departments could end the bullying, this isn’t always possible. Or the correct solution. Because the actual impact of being bullied can last long after it has stopped.</p> <p>Unfortunately, there is not a one-size-fits-all approach here. Often each individual may require their own set of coping mechanisms and remedial actions.</p> <p>BUT the following can be considered as starting points (at least) –</p> <p>1. <strong>Try your best not to react emotionally</strong> – bullies take pleasure in emotionally manipulating their victims. Try responding instead. Responding is different to reacting. When you respond you have prepared for the outcome in advance. So, begin with the end in mind. What outcomes would you like to see?</p> <p>2. <strong>Evaluate the situation objectively</strong> – properly evaluate the situation objectively to see if the situation is actually bullying (remember proper constructive criticism is not bullying)</p> <p>3. <strong>Know your workplace policies</strong> – Be aware of your rights and your workplace bullying policy. Familiarise yourself with the reporting procedure and follow it if needed</p> <p>4. <strong>Know your legal rights</strong> – Do your own research. Learn about inappropriate behavior and any <a href="https://www.werksmans.com/legal-updates-and-opinions/workplace-bullying-remedies-and-recourse-in-south-african-law/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">legislation</a> that may be of assistance. The more you know, the better your chances of successfully dealing with the situation are</p> <p>5. <strong>Document your situation thoroughly –</strong> Start collecting as much evidence as you can. This includes keeping a dairy of events to help paint a clear picture of what’s been happening. If you need to recall particular events, having a reliable record will add credibility to your claim of bullying. If you have one and they are approachable (and presuming they are not the bully), go and talk to your HR manager</p> <p>6. <strong>Seek help or guidance</strong> – talk to someone who you can trust. Don’t ignore what has happened or is happening. If you are struggling to cope or don’t know where to start, contact <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/contact-me/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Braving Boundaries</a> who will be able to not only support you as you go through this process but can also provide you with actionable targets and goals that can help you deal with and get over being bullied</p> <p>7. <strong>Look after yourself</strong> – maintain a healthy and balanced lifestyle outside of work to help you cope with the stress you are experiencing at work. Work out, get a good night’s sleep and eat a healthy diet</p> <p>8. <strong>Know your limits</strong> – if the situation cannot be resolved, consider your options for leaving. Don’t expect to change the bully overnight. Real behaviour change is difficult and it takes time. You have no control over the person’s willingness to accept that they have a problem and to work on it. You can only do your best to manage the situation. In the worst-case scenario you may decide to leave your job or be prepared for a long hard fight with the person bullying you</p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>What is the takeaway?</em></strong></h2> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="640" height="480" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/bullying-in-the-workplace3.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3005"/></figure> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <p>Bullying is not OK. In any situation. No matter the environment. Or your age. And it has no place in a business that wants to be successful.</p> <p>Whilst many companies claim to have a zero-tolerance policy, bullying can sometimes be hard to recognise or prove. It therefore makes it difficult for managers or HR departments to take action.</p> <p>Other companies may not have any policies about bullying in place at all.</p> <p>We are of the firm belief that all workplaces should have a policy on bullying explaining how it should be handled. If your organisation needs guidance or assistance on how to develop these policies, <a href="https://www.coachingadvocates.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Coaching Advocates</a>, a practice dedicated to helping <em>modernise the way law firms and corporates work</em>, may be the perfect place to start.</p> <p>Taking steps to prevent workplace bullying can benefit organisations and the health of their employees. If you have been bullied or are being bullied, know you can safely take steps to combat the bullying without confronting the perpetrator.</p> <p><em>And always remember to take care of your own health first!</em></p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/book-a-call/"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="810" height="450" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/Copy-of-linkedin-filler-pictures-5.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3000"/></a></figure> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <hr class="wp-block-separator is-style-wide"/> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-8 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Alicia-Koch-The-Legal-Belletrist-1024x1024-1.jpg" alt=""/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p>About the writer, <strong><em>Alicia Koch, Founder of The Legal Belletrist.</em></strong></p> <p>Alicia, an admitted attorney with over 10 years PQE, and now a legal writer and researcher, has established The Legal Belletrist to assist companies (in different sectors) to write well-researched articles that speak to each company’s core business, enabling growth and commercialism. </p> <p>Click here to visit <a href="https://www.thelegalbelletrist.com/">The Legal Belletrist website</a>.</p> <p><strong>Email: <a href="mailto:alicia@thebelletrist.com" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">alicia@thebelletrist.com</a> </strong></p> </div> </div> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-bullying/">I’m a grown up! – And still being bullied….</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-bullying/feed/</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>0</slash:comments> </item> <item> <title>Building resilience</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/building-resilience/</link> <comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/building-resilience/#respond</comments> <dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Sat, 11 Jul 2020 10:45:34 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Lawyer Life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Perfectionism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-care]]></category> <category><![CDATA[work-life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[a balanced life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[attorney life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[big law]]></category> <category><![CDATA[big law life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[junior lawyer]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law students]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer tips]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyers]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal firm life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[life coaching]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mindset]]></category> <category><![CDATA[perfection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[perfectionism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[perfectionist]]></category> <category><![CDATA[perfectionistic behaviour]]></category> <category><![CDATA[progress over perfection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[resilience]]></category> <category><![CDATA[success]]></category> <category><![CDATA[success mindset]]></category> <category><![CDATA[work life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[workaholic]]></category> <category><![CDATA[workaholism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[young lawyer]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=1533</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>In a world where perfection is still promoted, learn to build resilience.</p> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/building-resilience/">Building resilience</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[ <p>I hate this question in an interview. Why? </p> <p>Because:</p> <ul class="wp-block-list"><li><strong>the question is disingenuous</strong> – if they wanted to know my greatest weakness, I would tell them it was my right knee from over-running;</li><li><strong>no one gives an honest answer</strong> – there are articles galore on how to respond to this question in a way that pivots an alleged weakness into a strength; and</li><li><strong>it associates weakness with characteristics / behaviours that are not weak</strong>.</li></ul> <p>I’m hardly going to say: <strong><em>“I’m not very functional when I don’t have enough sleep”</em></strong>. Although true, that isn’t going to land me a job in the <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-fear-around-mental-health-in-the-legal-world/">legal world</a> that expects so much of my time.</p> <p>Is being dysfunctional after 24 hours in the office a weakness? <em><strong>Absolutely not!</strong> </em>Is it considered weak in the legal world? Unfortunately, yes. Why would we need to reframe things otherwise?</p> <figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/perfectionism-tired.jpg" alt="perfection at work"/></figure> <p>Perfectionism – whether expressed or not – is still promoted in the legal world.</p> <p>Think of all the superlatives: <strong><em>the best, the biggest, the most accessible</em></strong> etc. Ideals and standards that are then adopted by lawyers. I must be available 24/7; I must be seen to be working hard. I must… I must … I must…</p> <h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="is-it-any-surprise-that-so-many-lawyers-become-perfectionists"><strong><em>Is it any surprise that so many lawyers become perfectionists?</em></strong></h3> <p>So, having spent the week looking at the dangers of perfectionism, <em><strong>how do you stay resilient in a world that promotes perfection?</strong></em></p> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-9 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/1-1024x1024.png" alt=""/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>Stay healthy</strong> – Build hydration, good nutrition, sleep and exercise into your life to reduce the impact of stress on your physical and mental health.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-10 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/2-1024x1024.png" alt=""/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>Nurture your tribe</strong> – They keep your grounded, supported and in touch with the real world.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-11 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/3-1024x1024.png" alt=""/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>Have this mantra on repeat: “<em>You don’t have to be perfect to be successful</em>”: </strong>Our flaws, our differences, our quirks are what make us unique. It is in our differences that we find success.</p> </div> </div> <p><em>Tell me, what do you do to build your resilience in the legal world?</em></p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="if-you-are-struggling-with-perfectionism"><strong>If you are struggling with perfectionism</strong></h2> <p>If perfectionism is something with which you struggle and which is causing uncomfortable levels of stress for you, please know that these behaviour patterns can be changed. It takes time and effort – but it is achievable. And life is a lot less stressful on the other side.</p> <p>Through coaching, we can address the underlying fears and insecurities which the perfectionistic behaviour is masking. Together, we can identify ways to reduce the self-criticism and increase your self-esteem, so that you can be confident in who you are, in everything you do and in how you are seen in the world.</p> <p><strong><em>You are enough!</em></strong></p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <p class="has-text-align-center"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" sizes="(max-width: 854px) 100vw, 854px" srcset="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/2-854x1024.jpg 854w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/2-250x300.jpg 250w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/2-768x921.jpg 768w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/2-417x500.jpg 417w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/2-667x800.jpg 667w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/2-1067x1280.jpg 1067w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/2-1080x1295.jpg 1080w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/2-980x1175.jpg 980w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/2-480x576.jpg 480w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/2.jpg 1138w" width="854" height="1024" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/2-854x1024.jpg" alt="Frieda Levycky - Life coach for lawyers"><br><a role="button" href="https://calendly.com/bravingboundaries/discovery-call-30-mins"><br>Book a free Discovery Session</a><br><a role="button" href="https://bravingboundaries.com/contact-me/"><br>Drop me a quick message<br></a><br><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" sizes="(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" srcset="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-1024x311-1.jpg 1024w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-300x91-1.jpg 300w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-768x233-1.jpg 768w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-500x152.png 500w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-800x243.png 800w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-1280x389-1.jpg 1280w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-1080x328-1.jpg 1080w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-980x298-1.jpg 980w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-480x146-1.jpg 480w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner.jpg 1400w" width="1024" height="311" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-1024x311-1.jpg" alt="Lawyer coaching"></p> <div class="wp-block-buttons is-horizontal is-content-justification-center is-layout-flex wp-container-core-buttons-is-layout-1 wp-block-buttons-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-button"><a class="wp-block-button__link has-white-color has-text-color has-background" href="" style="background-color:#27281d" target="_blank" rel="https://bravingboundaries.com/book-a-call/ noopener">BOOK A DISCOVERY CALL</a></div> </div> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/building-resilience/">Building resilience</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>https://bravingboundaries.com/building-resilience/feed/</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>0</slash:comments> </item> </channel> </rss>