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<title>life balance Archives - Braving Boundaries</title>
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<title>When life feels out of control: 5 ways to find your anchor</title>
<link>https://bravingboundaries.com/when-life-feels-out-of-control/</link>
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<dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Wed, 26 Feb 2025 06:17:07 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Anxiety]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Change]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[mental health]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Self-care]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Stress & Anxiety]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[work-life balance]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[anxiety]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[depression]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Finding Your Anchor]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Life Advice]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[life balance]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Mindfulness]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Personal development]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[resilience]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[self care]]></category>
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<description><![CDATA[<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/when-life-feels-out-of-control/">When life feels out of control: 5 ways to find your anchor</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h5><strong><span style="color: #be9727;"><em>WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a style="color: #be9727; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://legalwhizz.wixsite.com/thelegalbelletrist">THE LEGAL BELLETRIST</a></span> </em></span></strong></h5>
<p><strong><span style="color: #be9727;"><em></em></span></strong></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Catching up with an old friend the other day we were both struck with how off kilter our lives seemed to be. She lives thousands of miles away in one of the coldest cities on earth and I live in sunny South Africa, where I have lived all my life. I know, nothing to write home about. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And yet, our lives have both taken such drastic turns. Mine with fighting constant pain as well as my mental health struggles and her with her own mental health struggles and the constant battle to keep her and her husbands’ head above water. It’s enough to send anyone diving under the covers seeking refuge from the world. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The thing that struck us is the fact that despite living two very different lives, growing up quite differently, having different careers and very different personalities, our struggles didn’t seem very different. We both struggle with anxiety and depression – the two going so nicely hand-in-hand – and are both feeling very untethered from the world. Both needing an anchor – her in the snow and me in the sun.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It’s funny how catchups can sometimes turn into revelations. Especially with old friends. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And that got me thinking. If two friends on literal opposite ends of the world are feeling exactly the same, surely more people are feeling less tethered to the world than they would like. I mean the world as we know it is so inundated with expectations. We’re constantly – whether this is through social media, advertising or even well-meaning advice from friends and family – to “be” this or “do” that, that the pressure to conform can be overwhelming. We’re often forced into moulds that we just don’t fit into, making us feel estranged from who we truly are. We feel unaligned with our true selves, fighting to just be seen. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And it can make us feel so alone. So unheard. So desperate to find our way back to who we are and what we want out of life. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">If that’s the case and it’s more than just my friend and I that feel this way, maybe it’s a good idea to look into this – loss of control. For my friend, for me and for whoever reads this. </span></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong>5 Ways to Find Your Anchor</strong></h2></div>
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<span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img fetchpriority="high" decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/Woman-in-Black-Spaghetti-Strap-Top-Meditating-by-Mikhail-Nilov-from-Pexels.jpg" alt="Woman in Black Spaghetti Strap Top Meditating by Mikhail Nilov from Pexels" title="Woman in Black Spaghetti Strap Top Meditating by Mikhail Nilov from Pexels" class="wp-image-235140" /></span>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Having an anchor in life – whatever that anchor is – allows you to have clarity amidst all of life’s chaos and confusion. The practice of being anchored can also help you focus your energy on the things that are important to you in life, keeping you moving in the right direction and keeping you on track with meeting your goals. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, here are 5 ways that you can keep yourself anchored – </span></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>Practice a body scan breathing exercise</strong><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – This is a mindfulness meditation practice and is a pretty beneficial way to reconnect with your body, calm your mind and connect with your emotions. You start by finding a comfortable, preferably quiet place to sit or lie down comfortably. Take a few deep breaths and close your eyes. Start at your head and move down to your toes, taking slow deep breaths as you focus on each part of your body. </p>
<p>Notice how each part feels, paying special attention to any physical sensations, emotions or thoughts that come up. Keep in mind that there’s no right or wrong way to do it. If you get distracted (which is ok), redirect your mind back to the process and start where you left off. Take a deep breath in, focus on your hands – how do they feel, move your fingers, what sensation do you feel? Do any emotions come up as you move your fingers? Feel the energy flow through your fingers as you move them around. Let your breath out. Count to 5, now move to your chest… and so on.</p>
<p>This should help you feel calm, reduce stress and help you feel more connected to your body, something we don’t do enough of. </span></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>Repeat this mantra – <i>I am just (insert name)</i> </strong><span style="font-weight: 400;">– This is an important practice not only of self-acceptance but also of acknowledging that that is who you are. It’s like an anchor to your core identity; to feeling like your authentic self. Whenever you feel lost, repeat this mantra to yourself and allow it to reconnect you with who you really are. Anchor your name to the person you want to be – to your core self. Have it mean something other than “your name”. The things that make you “you” become your “anchor.” Anchoring is the practice of returning to this awareness, grounding yourself back in the person you’ve consciously chosen to be. </p>
<p>“</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">I am Alicia. I am a successful writer, loving wife, mother to four fur babies, romantic, world explorer, dreamer and never-say-die optimist</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">”. That’s who I AM. That is my core identity. What’s yours? Have it mean something. So, when you are in doubt, remind yourself of </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">who you ARE. </span></i></p></div>
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<span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/Mindfulness-Practices-Woman-Journaling-by-Eliza-Alves-from-corelens.jpg" alt="Mindfulness Practices Woman Journaling by Eliza Alves from corelens" title="Mindfulness Practices Woman Journaling by Eliza Alves from corelens" class="wp-image-235139" /></span>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>Practice mindfulness in everything you do</strong><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – Ok maybe not everything you do, pick two things. Be realistic. Like mindfully walking or mindfully brushing your teeth. It’s the act of becoming more self-aware and noticing your thoughts and feelings while you perform normal, everyday activities. According to the </span><a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Mayo Clinic</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">, mindfulness is a type of meditation in which you focus on being intensely aware of what you’re sensing and feeling in the moment, without interpretation or judgment. It’s about getting to know yourself through menial acts and not judging how you react to certain banal activities. It’s like getting down to basics and really reacquainting you with you. </span></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>Name three people</strong><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – This is another act in developing better self-awareness. Name three people whose values you are drawn to and with whom you have fostered a deeper personal connection. This exercise will increase your awareness of what qualities you want and what would be impactful for you in that exact moment. You can start by thinking of three people who you admire. These could include celebrities, athletes or family members. Hold them in your mind and list all the qualities you admire about them. Then use the list and look at how you spend your time, energy and resources. Interestingly, the list you generate is like shining a flashlight on the values and skills you aspire to have in your own life. Perhaps you admire someone who speaks eloquently and you want more of that in your life. You could begin spending time with others who possess this quality, take a class to develop this skill or set an intention to act more in that manner throughout the day. </span></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>Visualise and apply</strong> <span style="font-weight: 400;">– This is something you can do every day. Start by visualising your ideal day, what does it look like? Where would you be? What would you be doing? Who would be there with you? How would you feel? Focus on that. Then start with your mini action plan. Ask yourself what you really want for the day, set those goals and then, for that day, take consistent action towards achieving your ultimate vision for the day. I find that having mini goals each day and then working towards achieving them makes it feel less daunting. Like today I have achieved X and that can feel so rewarding when your life feels so untethered. Then, by the end of the week, you’ll have achieved a number of things – making the mountain into a mole hill – easy to traverse. </span></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span style="font-weight: 400;">All of these exercises are there to help you find your way back to you. They are there to help you plant your feet back onto the ground, tethering you to the Earths’ surface. That way you not only feel connected to yourself, but you can also start building connections to other people, taking daily steps to do more of what is good for you. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, find your anchor, something that resides within you and that remains untouched by the external chaos. It can be your value system, your faith, a creative outlet or a connection with nature. The essence lies in cultivating a connection with yourself. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">By discovering your anchors, you become very selective with your energy and where you direct it. Enjoy the process and above anything else, be kind to yourself during this process. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It’s something my friend and I remind each other of as we undertake to do – at the very least – practice mindfulness while we brush our teeth (it’s twice a day all!), get reconnected with our bodies and remind ourselves about who we </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">are –</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> every single day. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">If you need help in practicing mindfulness or becoming more self-aware while you are finding your anchor, contact Frieda Levycky of </span><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Braving Boundaries</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> who can support you in creating the life you want. </span></p>
<p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">(Sources used and to whom we owe thanks – </span></i><a href="https://www.cexperiences.com/how-to-find-a-solid-anchor-for-your-life/"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">CExperiences</span></i></a><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">; </span></i><a href="https://braincleanupcoach.com/how-to-identify-your-anchors/"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Brain CleanUp</span></i></a><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">; </span></i><a href="https://www.gvsu.edu/cms4/asset/8C0B809B-0726-4E3B-1EBA4A40A82D8597/developing-the-anchor_blog.pdf"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Developing the Anchor</span></i></a><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">; </span></i><a href="https://www.kratimehra.com/anchor-grounded-confident-uncertainty/#:~:text=A%20certain%20degree%20of%20self,buy%2C%20or%20your%20social%20image."><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Kratimehra</span></i></a><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">; </span></i><a href="https://medium.com/@shorombo/staying-grounded-in-a-fast-paced-world-the-power-of-personal-anchoring-f04cd9a26897"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Medium</span></i></a><i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> and </span></i><a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Mayo Clinic</span></i></a><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">). </span></i></p></div>
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<span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Alicia-Koch-The-Legal-Belletrist.jpg" alt="" title="Alicia Koch - The Legal Belletrist" class="wp-image-1704" /></span>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner">About the Author, <strong><em>Alicia Koch, Founder of The Legal Belletrist.</em></strong> Alicia, an admitted attorney with over 10 years PQE, and now a legal writer and researcher, has established The Legal Belletrist to assist companies (in different sectors) to write well-researched articles that speak to each company’s core business, enabling growth and commercialism.</p>
<p>Click here to visit <a href="https://legalwhizz.wixsite.com/thelegalbelletrist">The Legal Belletrist website</a>. <strong>Email: <a href="mailto:alicia@thebelletrist.com" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">alicia@thebelletrist.com</a> </strong></div>
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<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/when-life-feels-out-of-control/">When life feels out of control: 5 ways to find your anchor</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<title>10 Tips to Restore Balance When Life Feels Out of Control</title>
<link>https://bravingboundaries.com/10-tips-to-restore-balance-when-life-feels-out-of-control/</link>
<comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/10-tips-to-restore-balance-when-life-feels-out-of-control/#respond</comments>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Thu, 22 Jun 2023 18:31:14 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Finding direction and purpose]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Self-awareness]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Self-care]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Self-reflection]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Work life]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[work-life balance]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[a balanced life]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[boundaries]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[enhance your life]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[feeling out of control]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[gaining control]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[life balance]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[regaining control]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[restore balance]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[say no]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[self-care]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[self-love]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[work life balance]]></category>
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<description><![CDATA[<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/10-tips-to-restore-balance-when-life-feels-out-of-control/">10 Tips to Restore Balance When Life Feels Out of Control</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h5><span style="color: #be9727;"><em>WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a style="color: #be9727; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://legalwhizz.wixsite.com/thelegalbelletrist">THE LEGAL BELLETRIST</a></span> </em></span></h5>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;"><br />Life can be overwhelming.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">With our day-to-day jobs, our hobbies, our families, and our digital lives, our to-do lists grow ever bigger. Suddenly it feels like we are swimming and swimming but failing to reach the shore. And life – inevitably – begins to feel a little out of control.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It happens. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But when it does, it’s important to remember that you are not alone. There are many of us swimming – all at once – with our respective shores firmly in our focus. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Some of us require inflatable “</span><a href="https://www.speedo.co.za/kids/accessories/swimming-aids" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">armbands</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">” to help with the swimming, knowing that these are just aids to help us get to where we are going. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">These armbands can be in the form of seeking professional support in the form of coaching – Frieda Levycky of </span><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Braving Boundaries</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> is perfectly poised to lend a hand when you feel the reins on your life begin to slip. Or perhaps these armbands come in the form of support from a medical professional like a</span><a href="https://www.sacap.edu.za/blog/applied-psychology/what-does-a-psychologist-do/" target="_blank" rel="noopener"> <span style="font-weight: 400;">psychologist</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> or </span><a href="https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/what-is-psychiatry#:~:text=A%20psychiatrist%20is%20a%20medical,psychiatric%20help%20for%20many%20reasons." target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">psychiatrist</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Whichever armband works for you, works for you. There is no right or wrong way (not really) to gain control over your life. Sure, the thought of seeking professional support can be overwhelming, too “serious”. So, instead of giving you a long list of people you should see or how you can rein in the reins, we thought it may be better to simply set out some tips to get you on your way.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Simple. And to the point (because when you’re busy, short and sweet is the ticket). </span></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><b>10 tips to regain control</b></h2>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When we look at restoring balance in our lives it encompasses our normal daily routines (which will include our online habits) as well as how we approach both our professional commitments and our personal ones too – </span></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><i><strong>Don’t start your day by looking at your phone</strong> </i><span style="font-weight: 400;">– for a lot of us the first thing we do when we open our eyes is look at our mobile phones/tablets. And suddenly, the number of things we need to do, the meetings that may be coming up in the next day or so, World News (which can often be negative), social media posts about people who look like they are living their best lives (while not actually working), all come flooding in. And suddenly you feel overwhelmed.</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Where do you even begin?</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> And this is before you even leave your bedroom. Its enough to send anyone diving back under the covers. Give yourself a break – </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">who needs to take on all that first thing in the morning?</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Instead, start off your day with a good old stretch, take a quick walk around your area, meditate, enjoy a good healthy breakfast (whatever that means for you). Add a positive daily affirmation to your routine (</span><a href="https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/relationships-love/g25629970/positive-affirmations/" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Oprah’s 40 Positive Affirmations</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> are a great source of inspiration). Start your day on the correct mindful footing. </span></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><i><strong>Set your goals</strong> </i><span style="font-weight: 400;">– as you begin your day, start by writing things down. Often the simple practice of putting pen to paper engages your brain and you can then start to put the puzzle pieces together. Once you have made a couple of notes, start aligning them to the projects you are working on. And then out of all of that, extract the top two or three most pressing things. Make them a priority. Then with your notes and list in hand, set out your achievable (practical) game plan.</span></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong><i>Remember “charity starts at home”</i></strong><span style="font-weight: 400;">– working on the man, woman or person in the mirror first should always be your top priority. </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Get your house in order first.</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> In other words, while you set your goals for the day, consider how you are going to achieve them </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">in a way that makes sense</span></i> <b><i>FOR YOU</i></b><span style="font-weight: 400;">. Add yourself into the mixture of “most pressing things”. </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">What do you need to do for yourself</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">? Is that going to yoga or gym every morning? Is it escaping into nature for a walk twice a week? Is it finding time for a coffee with a friend once a week? Mentally picture your day </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">the way you want it to be</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> and then </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">make time for the things that are most important</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">. That includes </span><b>YOU</b><span style="font-weight: 400;">. </span></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong><i>Once you’ve set goals, simplify them </i></strong><span style="font-weight: 400;">– yes, this does sound counterintuitive but it’s important that when you set your goals for the day you look at </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">how you can simplify them</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">. How can you make your tasks easier? Perhaps you need to ask for help on a project. Perhaps you need to bring in some extra hands. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. After all, this is about ensuring you get what you need to do and get it done in a way that is simple. That is easy. And that brings a little control back into your life. You can’t do it all alone.</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Be ok with that.</span></i></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><i><strong>Set boundaries</strong> </i><span style="font-weight: 400;">– this is an important one (especially for the ones that possibly say yes more than they say no). You need to set boundaries between work time and personal time. Especially if you are working from home. Make a conscious decision on what time you will start and end your workday. What time you will take your lunch break. Make a conscious decision whether you will take calls, answer WhatsApp’s or emails after work hours. </span><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">And then stick to that</span></i></span><span style="font-weight: 400;">. Fervently guard your personal and private time. There are very few things that truly warrant a necessary and urgent intrusion on your personal time. By clearly setting your boundaries, you can regain control of your own life. You can restore balance – and in that balance – you can feel peace. </span><span style="font-weight: 400;">Work is an important part of your life – especially when you love what you do – but </span><span style="font-weight: 400;">family and self-care are just as important. </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Always</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> keep that in mind. </span></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><i><strong>Learn to say yes to you and no to others</strong> </i><span style="font-weight: 400;">– there is a certain power in saying “no” to others. One you will come to appreciate the more you do so. Saying no helps you to maintain the equilibrium you need. Stop doing things out of guilt or obligation. Instead, make more room in your life for the activities that are meaningful to you and that bring you joy. But saying “no” is only part of this equation. You need to learn to say “yes” more to the things that you need. It’s important to have fun, to relax, to spend meaningful time with your friends and family. In fact, it’s essential to a balanced life. Therefore – like with setting boundaries – make sure that you set aside time each day for an activity that you enjoy and set aside one night each week for something you know will rejuvenate you.</span></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong><i>Let things go</i></strong><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – as you mindfully plan your day and envision how you want it to turn out, you will often find that the things that you thought “have to get done” no longer </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">need to be done</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">. At least not in the time frame you first believed. Is it necessary to work until midnight to put the final touches on a report or on a draft contract? Do you really need to wake up at 4am just to get everything done in the day? Start by recognising the things that don’t really have much impact on your work (and your life) and then allow yourself to let them go. It’s hard. But being strict about this will help with balance and gaining control.</span></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong><i>Rest</i> </strong><b>–</b><span style="font-weight: 400;"> we often neglect our health, ignoring the niggles here and there and chalk them down to “overdoing it”. But the truth is, your body needs down time to restore, to replenish and to unwind. Even if that means for an hour during your day you read a chapter from your new book. Don’t ignore the niggles that can turn into big no-no’s. Rest when you need to. This includes planning for holidays. They are important – staycations included. So, plan ahead and schedule your holidays. If you are able to, a regular meditation practice is a great way to take a mind break and bring yourself back into balance. And if you can’t meditate, perhaps just a quiet moment to yourself with a cup of tea will do. The point is – </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">give your mind a break.</span></i></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong><i>Concentrate on personal wellness – </i></strong><span style="font-weight: 400;">put positive habits like fitness and reading above the hectic work schedule. Placing importance on wellness can bring about a sense of normalcy, making it easier to concentrate on work when things feel a little out of control. Personal wellness includes communicating your stress or mental health struggles with those that can help. If you feel overwhelmed by your workload, raise it as an issue. Communication is key. And getting help even more so. You are replaceable at work but not at home. </span></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong><i>Be fluid and flexible</i></strong><b><i> –</i></b><span style="font-weight: 400;"> sometimes all our best laid plans are for naught. Life is unpredictable. Things happen. And even our most mindful to-do lists that tick all the right boxes to regain balance and control, fall apart. </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Learn that that’s ok.</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Be flexible and fluid enough to know that opportunities come and go. And move forward from that point. Regroup. Replan. And redo. Life can change significantly from one day to another. </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Learn to have vision and know that sometimes starting over is ok. </span></i></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The thing that needs to be driven home – while there are things you can do to bring balance and restore a sense of control in your life, it doesn’t mean you have to do everything we have set out above. That can also cause overwhelm and turn a mission of restoring balance into one that does not achieve the equilibrium we so often desire. Not ideal.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Take deep breaths. The purpose of this article is to help you, not hinder you. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Author Nick Harkaway said – </span></p>
<blockquote>
<p><em><span style="font-weight: 400;">“Peace is not a state – it is a choice, and you have to remake it every day. It’s possible to get a sort of stability, a habit of peace, but it’s like an egg balanced, spinning, on its point: lose your momentum, and your equilibrium is gone, too”.</span></em></p>
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<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Achieving balance in your life is a process. Often a journey filled with a hundred small steps. So, take one small step each day towards attaining balance, towards achieving control over your life – especially when life feels so out of control. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But remember this – we simply can’t control </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">every</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> aspect of our lives (despite wanting to). As we know – life happens. Shit happens. And we often need to </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">roll with the punches</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">. That may not seem very comforting, but it actually is. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Because – while we can’t control every aspect of our lives, it doesn’t mean we can’t </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">work towards </span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">achieving </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">a better balance, a better sense of equilibrium</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">, </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">a better sense of the calmness we crave</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We’re not saying you should aim to achieve a 50/50 work-life balance– because that’s not entirely realistic. What we are saying is this – </span></p>
<ul>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Don’t always favour one aspect of your life and neglect another e.g. work over family or health/fitness over time with friends. Every aspect of your life needs attention.</span></li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Don’t always put others’ needs before your own needs. You matter. </span></li>
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<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, nurture each aspect of your life with care, knowing when to </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">say yes to the things you need</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> and </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">no to the things that you simply cannot do.</span></i></p></div>
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<div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p>About the Author, <strong><em>Alicia Koch, Founder of The Legal Belletrist.</em></strong> Alicia, an admitted attorney with over 10 years PQE, and now a legal writer and researcher, has established The Legal Belletrist to assist companies (in different sectors) to write well-researched articles that speak to each company’s core business, enabling growth and commercialism.</p>
<p>Click here to visit <a href="https://legalwhizz.wixsite.com/thelegalbelletrist">The Legal Belletrist website</a>. <strong>Email: <a href="mailto:alicia@thebelletrist.com" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">alicia@thebelletrist.com</a> </strong></p></div>
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<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/10-tips-to-restore-balance-when-life-feels-out-of-control/">10 Tips to Restore Balance When Life Feels Out of Control</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<title>Saying “Yes” when you should be saying “No”</title>
<link>https://bravingboundaries.com/saying-yes-when-you-should-be-saying-no/</link>
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<dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Mon, 25 Oct 2021 08:57:02 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Uncategorised]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[attorney life]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[boundaries]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[braving boundaries]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[flexible working]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[happy lawyer]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[hybrid working]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[it's ok to say no]]></category>
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<category><![CDATA[lawyer lifestyle]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[lawyers]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[learn to say no]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[legal life]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[life balance]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[live your life]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[love your life]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[personal boundaries]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[preserve your time]]></category>
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<category><![CDATA[saying no]]></category>
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<description><![CDATA[<p>Learning to say NO is an important step towards creating healthy boundaries. Here are some strategies to help you say NO!</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/saying-yes-when-you-should-be-saying-no/">Saying “Yes” when you should be saying “No”</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<h5 class="wp-block-heading"><em>WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF <a href="https://www.thelegalbelletrist.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">THE LEGAL BELLETRIST</a></em></h5>
<p></p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading"><em>The pressing need for boundaries…</em></h3>
<p>By now, we all know that the COVID-19 pandemic has caused many of us to work from home. <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-work-from-home-saga/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">A new saga</a> has inevitably emerged and <em>it is not going anywhere. </em></p>
<p>In fact, companies are looking to extend the work-from-home situation into a <a href="https://ajs.co.za/2021/08/10/the-best-of-both-worlds-awaits/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">hybrid model</a> where employees will be working part time at home and part time in the office. The so-called “best of both worlds”. In fact, according to the <a href="https://hbr.org/2021/07/4-strategies-for-building-a-hybrid-workplace-that-works" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Harvard Law review</a>, global research has revealed that<em> “72% of corporate leaders plan to offer a hybrid model”</em>. </p>
<p>And that may sound encouraging, but there is a saying that continuously pops up – <em>“if it’s too good to be true, it usually is”. </em></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>A silver lining or a storm cloud waiting to burst?</em></strong></h2>
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<p>We have set up home offices in our spare bedrooms or on our dining room tables and have made the most out of our new situations, often forcing ourselves to find the silver-lining of it all. </p>
<p>So we have focused on the positives by relishing in the flexibility our work-from-home lives have afforded us. Many of us have even become more productive, resulting in an almost new-found “extra time” on our hands. <em>Who knew you could get so much done in one day by simply staying put?</em> </p>
<p>But the article on Business News Daily, <a href="https://www.businessnewsdaily.com/15259-working-from-home-more-productive.html" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Working From Home Increases Productivity</a>, supports this theory by revealing that <em>“remote employees work 1.4 more days per month than their office-based counterparts, resulting in more than three additional weeks of work per year”.</em></p>
<p>And again, that seems encouraging. </p>
<p><em>But… is that too good to be true?</em></p>
<p>Despite this flexibility and productiveness, our work-from-home situation has made the separation between our work-lives and home-lives extremely difficult. A single door is often not enough to keep the family noise at bay. The inevitable result? <em>The lines between work and home have become extremely blurred.</em></p>
<p>And for many of us who have been striving for the comfortable equilibrium that is work-life balance (or <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/markcperna/2020/06/01/how-to-blend-work-and-life-without-losing-your-mind/?sh=1cdf3ea63bbf" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">work-life blend</a> as the millennials call it), it seems like all our efforts have gone up in smoke. <em>Is work-life balance/blend </em><a href="https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/309121" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"><em>even possible anymore</em></a><em>?</em></p>
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<p>Let’s be honest, the pandemic has changed the way we feel about prioritising our responsibilities. With all this flexibility and new-found ”extra” time on our hands (due to being <em>“so productive”</em>), a lot of us (especially those of us with our own small start-up businesses) have inevitably <em>started saying “yes” more often than we should be. </em></p>
<p>We say yes to please other people, to be team players, to seem more capable, more reliable, more trust worthy and ultimately to help others at our own expense. We say yes because we need the work and the money. Times are tough. So we are resorting to “making hay while the sun shines”. At the cost of our own mental health. </p>
<p>Our theme song has changed from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlY90lG_Fuw" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Freedom</a> by Pharrell Williams where we were once shouting our <em>“first name is Free, last name is Dom”</em> to Roy Orbison’s <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNAVrQ96mpA" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">You Got it</a> – </p>
<blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow"><p><em>“Anything you want, you got it.</em></p><p><em>Anything you need, you got it.</em></p><p><em>Anything at all, you got it”.</em> </p></blockquote>
<p>“You got it” is not a bad song, it’s just not what we should be saying. All. The. Time.</p>
<p>Because while we might want to say “yes” to everything and “no” to nothing, we need to realise that <em>that is simply not possible</em>.</p>
<p>And whilst we continue looking for our silver linings, it kind of feels like <em>storm clouds are rolling in</em>. And waiting to burst. Because with all the “Yesses” being thrown around, <em>something has got to give</em>. </p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>It’s raining, it’s pouring!</em></strong></h2>
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<p>The storm clouds have indeed burst and your ”Yesses” are falling to the earth amidst thunder and lightning, drenching the ground all around you with your unfulfilled promises. </p>
<p>You are feeling overwhelmed (understandably) with all the things that you have said yes to. Work is mounting up and the possibility is increasing that in fact, you won’t have any extra time on your hands to get all the work done, that you may miss deadlines and that you may let people down. </p>
<p><em>After all, life is full of trade-offs. </em></p>
<p>Saying yes to everything, means you are automatically saying no to everything else. And your priorities will start to suffer. And so will your work and your family commitments. </p>
<p>Are you asking yourself the right questions here? Are you saying yes to the things you really want to say yes to? <strong>Or are you saying yes because you </strong><strong><em>don’t know how to say no</em></strong><strong>? Or do not know when </strong><strong><em>it is ok to say no?</em></strong></p>
<p><a href="https://www.lollydaskal.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Lolly Daskal</a> believes that saying <em>“no is one of the most important skills you can cultivate. Done right, “no” can help you build better relationships and free you up to do the things that are important to you”</em>. </p>
<p>Overextending yourself by over-promising and under-delivering, will inevitably get you trapped in the viscous cycle that is stress, anxiety and possible depression because you will, inevitably, burn out. Do not repeat the mistakes of our <em>pre-work-from-home</em> lifestyles. We should have learnt better by now… </p>
<p>After all, World Mental Health Day (which was on Sunday the 10<sup>th</sup> of October this year), reminds us that our mental health is as important as our physical health. Sometimes even more so. And we need to be aware that spreading ourselves too thin has consequences that often result in our mental health suffering. </p>
<p>And that is just not ok. Not anymore. Not when we do actually know better.</p>
<p>Perhaps it is about time that we <em>learn to say no instead of saying yes!</em></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>Let’s change our narrative!</em></strong></h2>
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<p>Perhaps the first way to combat the possibilities of continuously saying yes when we should be saying no is by changing the idea that work-life balance (at the moment) may not be as attainable as it once was (when we were working at our respective offices). And that perhaps our focus should be more on <em>the balance between saying yes and saying no</em>. </p>
<p>An article titled <a href="https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2021/06/the-prioritization-plan-that-brought-balance-to-my-work-and-home-life/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">How saying ‘yes’ and ‘no’ could revolutionize your work/life balance</a> states that we need to <em>“learn to say “no” in order to be able to say “yes” </em><strong><em>when it matters most”.</em></strong><em> </em></p>
<p>And that is crucial – remember in life there are always trade-offs. So make sure you are choosing the right ones. </p>
<p>In addition – </p>
<p><em>“When you know your priorities and values – what you want time and energy to say yes to – saying no becomes much simpler” – </em><a href="https://www.mas.co.nz/hub/how-to-say-no-so-you-can-say-yes/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">How to say ‘No’ so you can say ‘Yes’</a>.</p>
<p>And that again, is not only crucial but is the crux of doing away with this “Roy Orbisonism” of “<em>Anything you want, you got it”</em> mentality. </p>
<p>Because you need to learn what your priorities are so that when it comes time to say no, you are actually able to. The answer will be easy because your goals will be clear. </p>
<p>In fact, <a href="https://psychcentral.com/blog/boundaries-why-you-say-yes-when-you-really-mean-no#1" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">PsychCentral</a> states that <em>“A true yes — a yes that is in line with your values and best interest — you feel with your whole body. It’s easy. There is no doubt. There is no worry.</em></p>
<p>And this starts by firstly knowing that <em>it is actually ok to say no in the first place.</em></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>No is an answer</em></strong></h2>
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<p>Not only is it ok to say no but it is sometimes necessary. </p>
<p><em>Saying no is actually a perfectly acceptable answer. </em></p>
<p>Remember – when you say yes to one thing, you are automatically saying no to something else. And vice-versa. So your choices as to what is more important become ever more relevant. </p>
<p>At this point, you may be asking – <em>but how do I go about actually saying no? </em></p>
<p>Well, it starts with a number of things – acknowledgements about what you can and cannot do, admissions as to what means most to you and what you are willing to sacrifice, and prioritising those things – </p>
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<p><strong><em>Firstly, acknowledge that you are not superhuman (read: you cannot do everything)</em></strong> – saying yes to everything will leave you feeling trapped, drowning and struggling for air. You will have no time or energy for yourself and your own best interests will fall by the wayside. So start by choosing the things that you can genuinely do and want to say yes to. Align your life and your choices with your values, with the things that you can do and the things that bring you joy. Stop saying yes for the sake of saying yes.</p>
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<p><strong><em>Set your own personal boundaries</em></strong><em> </em>– by setting boundaries between yourself and others you can get closer to a feeling of equilibrium (that so-called sweet spot of work-life balance). You will show others that you know your own value and are willing to stick up for it. And this starts by making sure that you are clear about what you are actually able to take on. So be clear on what is non-negotiable to you and what you are willing to consider. By having well defined desires, responsibilities and goals, you not only gain clarity over your work but also gain control over your <em>work-life and home-life</em>. Again defining those boundaries. And these boundaries need to be communicated to work colleagues, to clients as well as to family and other personal relationships (which are often harder to do). By doing this, you will be able to prioritise tasks more effectively and efficiently. And feel more capable and more able to do the things you genuinely say yes to.</p>
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<p><strong><em>Prioritise proactively</em></strong>– in order to say “No” confidently you need to understand what is important to you. Define those things. Understand them and be clear about them. By doing so, you will find yourself saying “no” more often to ensure that you can pursue the things that are most important to you and to your job. As <a href="https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2021/06/the-prioritization-plan-that-brought-balance-to-my-work-and-home-life/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Ester Banque puts it</a> – by learning to proactively prioritise she has learned to <em>“divide and conquer, making sure the right level of oversight or involvement is in place without the need for unproductive “face time.” We are also identifying non-negotiables at work and at home, managing the all-important expectations”.</em> And managing expectations is key in prioritising your work-life and home-life. Again, when you are clear on what is most important, you will know exactly where to focus your energy.</p>
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<p><strong><em>Never compromise your integrity</em></strong>– as <a href="https://www.lollydaskal.com/leadership/stop-saying-yes-when-you-want-to-say-no/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Lolly Daskal puts it </a> – <em>“Your integrity sets your standards and gives you a code of morality and ethics. Use it to guide you in saying no and you’ll always make consistent choices that are grounded in your beliefs”</em>. So ensure to keep your integrity in check – if you have to question your integrity or the morality of something, say no. Always.</p>
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<p><strong><em>Deciding on whether it is really worth it</em>?</strong> – sometimes it is as simple as that. Maybe you find yourself in the position where you have committed to something but later find yourself doubting as to whether you can actually cope with the work. You may start to think of ways of getting out of the commitment. You may start to think up excuses, risking being caught out on a white lie. <em>Is it worth it?</em> The stress, the anguish and the doubt? Saying no outright may be the absolute best option. Remember – No is a perfectly acceptable answer. As Paulo Coelho said – <em>“If it costs you your peace, it is too expensive”. </em>So saying no should be easy.</p>
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<p><strong><em>Realise that you will not please everyone</em></strong><em> – </em>this is a recipe for disaster, for stress, anguish and fear (of disappointing others and yourself). By saying no, you may be afraid that your boss, your client, or your family will think less of you. Truth is – they won’t. Saying no actually ensures that you are promoting self-care and are ensuring that you always operate at your best. And that can only be respected.</p>
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<p>Simply put – you need to be able to protect yourself from burnout. You need to give yourself a break by giving yourself balance and by <em>being ok with saying no</em>. Understand your limits and realise that your own best interests are important too. Finding a balance between meeting your own needs and saying yes to others (and saying yes to work) should start by asking yourself – </p>
<blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow"><p><em>“What are my needs?” </em></p><p><em>“How much of my time, energy and resources do I need to meet those needs?” </em></p><p><em>“What can I genuinely do for others?” </em></p><p><em>“How much can I take on?”</em></p><p><em>“How much of my time can I dedicate to others?” </em></p></blockquote>
<p>Everyone will answer these questions differently. But the important thing is <em>to find the balance that works best for you.</em></p>
<p>To gain clarity and control over your life (and your work) may include seeking guidance from a trained professional who can guide you as you navigate saying “No” (it sometimes takes practice). Get in touch with <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/my-story/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Frieda Levycky</a> of <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/contact-me/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Braving Boundaries</a> for a consult on getting your priorities on track. </p>
<p>To close off and to illustrate the importance of <em>saying no</em> we turn to the quote by James Altucher from <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17977529-choose-yourself" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Choose yourself</a> – </p>
<blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow"><p><em>“Every time you say yes to something you don’t want to do, this will happen: you will resent people, you will do a bad job, you will have less energy for the things you were doing a good job on, you will make less money, and yet another small percentage of your life will be used up, burned up, a smoke signal to the future saying, “I did it again.”</em></p></blockquote>
<p>Don’t risk “doing it again”. Change the cycle. Change the narrative and learn that <em>setting boundaries, managing expectations and saying no is perfectly fine. </em></p>
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<p>About the writer, <strong><em>Alicia Koch, Founder of The Legal Belletrist.</em></strong></p>
<p>Alicia, an admitted attorney with over 10 years PQE, and now a legal writer and researcher, has established The Legal Belletrist to assist companies (in different sectors) to write well-researched articles that speak to each company’s core business, enabling growth and commercialism. </p>
<p>Click here to visit <a href="https://www.thelegalbelletrist.com/">The Legal Belletrist website</a>.</p>
<p><strong>Email: <a href="mailto:alicia@thebelletrist.com" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">alicia@thebelletrist.com</a> </strong></p>
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<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/saying-yes-when-you-should-be-saying-no/">Saying “Yes” when you should be saying “No”</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<title>Finding Motivation at 40</title>
<link>https://bravingboundaries.com/finding-motivation-at-40/</link>
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<dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Wed, 21 Jul 2021 09:41:30 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Motivation]]></category>
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<description><![CDATA[<p>Staying motivated is hard - unless the task you are looking to achieve has a greater, positive purpose. Here's what keeps me motivated.</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/finding-motivation-at-40/">Finding Motivation at 40</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
]]></description>
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<h5 class="wp-block-heading"><em>WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF <a href="https://www.thelegalbelletrist.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">THE LEGAL BELLETRIST</a></em></h5>
<p></p>
<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>It’s an inside job today!</em></strong></h2>
<p>I have been thinking a lot about the term “High-Fliers” recently. And what it really means.</p>
<p>This is probably due to the fact that during all this “Lockdown” time I have been indulging in some true RomCom classics, like the Bridget Jones trilogy (it’s an obvious one). Of specific meaning, at least to this particular conversation, is <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2DFQNPx5sxA" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Bridget Jones – Edge of Reason</a>. It’s hilarious. But it is also significant. For a number of reasons. </p>
<p>Of particular importance is the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OdXXYKj6rY" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Legal Quiz scene</a> and the discussion between Bridget and Giles Benwick – </p>
<figure class="wp-block-pullquote is-style-default"><blockquote><p><em> “<strong>Giles</strong> – You see, there’s the high-fliers, like Annabel and Mark Darcy and there’s the gorgeous girls, like Rebecca there and there’s the rest of us.</em></p><p><em><strong>Bridget</strong> – Like you and me, you mean?</em></p><p><em><strong>Giles</strong> – Absolutely. l mean, look at the state of us. You and me stumbled into the VlP room by mistake and it’s only a matter of moments before they show us the door”. </em></p></blockquote></figure>
<p>You see, I have found myself relating more and more to the Bridget’s and Giles’s of the world rather than the high-fliers like Mark Darcy and Rebecca Gillies. Stumbling into the VIP room myself. By mistake of course. And now waiting to be shown the door……</p>
<p>So the other day, when I tried to think of who the high-fliers in my circle of friends and colleagues were, there was one name that came to mind immediately – <em>Frieda Levycky</em>.</p>
<p>She is the very definition of a “High Flier”. I mean she has done more than most. Climbing mountains whilst achieving Senior Associate status (after only a few years of practice), becoming Head of Global Mergers & Acquisitions by 34, General Counsel by 35 and Partner by 36. And always remaining in tip- top physical condition by spending hours in the gym achieving abs of steel (making a lot of us green with envy). </p>
<p><em>And that’s a long list of tick items that some of us have yet to tick. </em></p>
<p>Whilst I, on the other hand, resemble very much (not because of any illicit drugs but because of a general sense of “WTF”?) Bridget on the beach in Thailand, dazed and confused – <a href="https://tenor.com/view/bridget-jones-renee-zellweger-edge-of-reason-bridget-jones-diary-workingtitlefilms-gif-15268280" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"><em>Looking at all the pretty colours</em></a><em>….</em></p>
<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/motivate-me-life-coaching-for-lawyers-1024x711-1.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3088"/><figcaption>© 2004 Universal Studios and Studio Canal and Miramax Film Corp.</figcaption></figure>
<p>You can imagine my shock, when I heard that Frieda was <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/motivate-me-what-to-do-when-youve-lost-your-mojo/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">struggling to find motivation</a> after varying levels of lockdown resulting in months and months of inconsistency and <em>“loss of mojo”.</em> </p>
<p>It seems that even the High Fliers had come down to earth to spend a little time with the rest of us. But let’s be honest. Frieda is only human. Not infallible nor super human. </p>
<p>She is<em> “just a girl standing in front of a salad, wishing it was a cupcake” </em>kind of girl.</p>
<p>Just like the rest of us. </p>
<p>And we can all relate. </p>
<p>Turning 40 has a way of sneakily creeping up on you. On tippy toes. In the dark. Making no noise at all, until it gets right up behind you and claps its hands.</p>
<p><em>FRRRREEEEEAKING you the hell out!</em></p>
<p>And with my own sneaky 40 creeping up on me too, I just had to sit down with Frieda to find out <em>what’s what.</em> </p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>What’s the T girlfriend?</em></strong></h2>
<p>So like all girlfriends, Frieda and I got together over a lovely glass of Chardonnay (via Zoom of course) and discussed mojo, the need to find motivation, what can deter you, what can encourage you and of course what turning 40 means….</p>
<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/motivate-me-life-coaching-for-lawyers2-1024x711-1.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3089"/></figure>
<p>What set this all in motion was Frieda’s feeling of being a little lack-lustered and struggling to get back to her active self. Being someone who thrives on staying active, who thrives on challenges and who thrives on excelling, she decided to start the “Motivate Me” challenge. She has set out to do a 40-day yoga challenge from 1 July to 11 August – focusing on healthy, positive intrinsic motivation (i.e. internal rewards) rather than focusing on any negativity (which she has done before). </p>
<p>She is on day 22 and so far, has had a number of revelations…..</p>
<p>But – <em>So far, so good. </em></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>The struggles of keeping motivated</em></strong></h2>
<p>Frieda readily admits that she has historically been motivated and driven by fear and/or pain to succeed (obviously a negative motivation). No one can deny that it got her to the top. Quite quickly. But it also left her with scars and traumas that she has had to deal with over the years. </p>
<p>Discovering and admitting that she has previously been motivated by fear and pain, led to a number of truths. <em>Hard truths.</em> </p>
<p>As an example, this is the first time Frieda has ever undertaken a challenge or set out to achieve a goal from a positive intrinsic standpoint. And it has proven, in some circumstances, to be difficult. Previously Frieda had always had a clear goal in mind and often ended up taking on too much, justifying to herself that she was working hard to achieve a goal. And she would be rewarded at the end of it by a promotion or financial incentive. She has always been motivated by a long term vision – <em>“this is where I will be in 2 years’ time”. </em></p>
<p>So undertaking something that was purely focused on her. Something that was not related to work. Something that actually took time away from her work, not resulting in a promotion or financial gain, left her in a bit of spin. Initially. Having her inner saboteur constantly saying – </p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li><em>How could she take time away from work for something personal?</em></li><li><em>Work is more important than personal goals.</em></li><li><em>You have no long-term vision here – what’s the point?</em></li><li><em>You have no real goal here – how will undertaking a yoga challenge benefit your career?</em></li></ul>
<p>But through this challenge she has discovered that taking time out for herself has not affected her business, it has not affected her career. In fact, it has improved it all. </p>
<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="711" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/motivate-me-life-coaching-for-lawyers3-1024x711-1.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3090"/></figure>
<p><strong>And the biggest realisation has been – </strong><strong><em>why are we always the first thing that we cross off our “to-do” list?</em></strong><strong> </strong></p>
<p>It shouldn’t be this way. And by realising this, Frieda has found motivation in the fact that she does, in fact, have a clear goal which is supported by her purpose to have a healthy work-life balance. Where she can enjoy work as well as her personal time and not feel guilty about either. She is having fun, doing something new every day, excited to be challenged physically – she wants to keep on going. </p>
<p>As a perfect example, she had a really tough week where she took on re-drafting a contract which required far more work than she initially realised. It sent her into a bit of a tailspin. Panic rose. And she thought to herself <em>“How can I take time out of my day to do something for myself when there is urgent work waiting?”</em></p>
<p>But she forced herself to. Not something she would have done before. And by doing so, discovered – </p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li><em>Her perspective of what was really important and what was really urgent had changed.</em></li><li><em>She managed to clear her head, enabling her to truly apply her mind. She woke up the next day refreshed, with a renewed outlook and tackled the contract in a way that proved better than had she not taken the time out and slogged on.</em></li><li><em>In fact, had she slogged on, she’d have missed a key structuring point which would have resulted in the contract needing further changes at a later date. By taking time out for herself, she drafted the contract in a far better and more efficient way. </em></li></ul>
<p>Putting herself on her own to-do list has, so far, been the biggest achievement of all. </p>
<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="711" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/motivate-me-life-coaching-for-lawyers4-1024x711-1.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3091"/></figure>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>What’s working, what’s not?</em></strong></h2>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading"><em>What’s working?</em></h3>
<ol class="wp-block-list"><li><strong>Having a routine has been a saving grace. As routine often is: </strong>By diarising time for her yoga challenge – like any other meeting – it enabled Frieda to take time out. Without the guilt. Have a breather. And come back to her work refreshed, renewed and excited to tackle difficult tasks. Having variety in her routines has also kept things interesting for her. Something Frieda needs in her life. </li><li><strong>Having a yoga instructor is important for her. </strong>Ensuring she shows up – because someone has taken time out of their day to dedicate to Frieda. It is a respect thing. Having accountability to someone is important. It has kept her on track and has kept her committed. The hardest yoga routines are the ones you have to tackle alone. The external motivation and having someone to “answer to” helps her stay on track. </li></ol>
<p>But she has also realised that there is a big difference between doing something because you have to – because you have been told to – and doing something because you want to and have someone supporting you. That’s a positive motivation. And one which has kept her going. </p>
<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="711" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/motivate-me-life-coaching-for-lawyers5-1024x711-1.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3092"/></figure>
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<h3 class="wp-block-heading"><em>What’s not working?</em></h3>
<ol class="wp-block-list"><li><strong>The journal reflection exercise has been a challenge in itself!</strong> Having to reflect on her challenge on a day-to-day basis has not been easy. In fact, instead of feeling motivated and excited to document her journey, it has resulted in feelings of stress and anxiety at having to write feelings down daily. And that surprised her.</li></ol>
<p>When she travelled abroad, during a time when she experienced an emotional transition in her life, she was able to document her feelings and what she was experiencing. Easily. The journals have served as a great record of this transitional point in her life. And she has looked back on them over the years with a sense of accomplishment and deep meaning. </p>
<p>These things shouldn’t be forced. They need to flow easily. Otherwise, they don’t hold the meaning they should. </p>
<p>So she has stopped journaling this particular journey and has rather focused on the overall positive impact on her life. With no real need for words.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>Her tips to stay motivated?</em></strong></h2>
<p>This will be different for each person. We are all motivated differently (read Frieda’s article on motivation <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/motivate-me-what-to-do-when-youve-lost-your-mojo/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">here</a>). But for Frieda it has come down to having variety and fun. Being able to enjoy more than one thing during her “me” time. </p>
<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="711" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/motivate-me-life-coaching-for-lawyers6-1024x711-1.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3093"/></figure>
<p>It has come down to making the most out of her time – using it wisely. For Frieda, it has involved listening to audio books whilst on her way to her yoga class: such as <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Enneagram-Paths-Greater-Self-Knowledge/dp/1938314549" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge</a> by Beatrice Chestnut (a hugely beneficial developmental framework which provides deeper insight into your personality, motivation and self-limiting beliefs. It helps that Frieda is a trained Enneagram Coach!) and <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/154924.No_Shortcuts_to_the_Top" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">No Shortcuts to the Top: Climbing the World’s 14 Highest Peaks</a> by Ed Viesturs and David Roberts (seemingly quite apt during this challenge).</p>
<p>By doing more than one of the things she loves in order to meet her work-life balance expectations, she has been able to affirm her core values and by doing so, she is now fully aware of what her core values are – variety, fun, intuition, trust and security. Knowing this enables her to focus her attentions on them in order to improve her overall wellness and life purpose. </p>
<p>Let’s face it – “<em>variety and fun are often lacking for a self-proclaimed workaholic”</em> (Frieda’s words). But by doing her yoga every day and listening to her audio books, her need for variety and fun is being met. <strong><em>And when you live in line with your values, you have a purpose. </em></strong></p>
<p>And that is an extremely powerful thing!</p>
<p>Something she has learnt not only through her 40 day challenge, but something she has also learnt through <a href="https://www.integrative9.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">coaching around the Enneagram</a> (something she highly recommends).</p>
<p>Staying intrinsically motivated in line with meeting her core values has really kept her on track. </p>
<p><em>And living with purpose is awesome!</em></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>Are there saboteurs trying to detract her from her goal?</em></strong></h2>
<p>Absolutely!</p>
<p>We all have our own inner Judge (someone Frieda met and got well acquainted with in her <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-naked-lawyer-judgment-free/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Naked Lawyer</a> article). </p>
<p>You know that nagging negative nelly that always brings up your worst fears and deepest insecurities? That’s the culprit.</p>
<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="711" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/motivate-me-life-coaching-for-lawyers7-1024x711-1.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3094"/></figure>
<p>And Frieda has had this Judge in her head big time during the challenge!</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li><em>You shouldn’t take time out of your working day to do something for yourself!</em></li><li><em>You cannot put your needs before those of your clients! </em></li><li><em>What’s the point? Just be happy with who you are.</em></li><li><em>You have lost a couple of pounds already, so you may as well stop here.</em></li><li><em>You are only planning on doing this for 40 days, so it’s not such a big deal if you quit now.</em></li><li><em>This isn’t paying you, so you should focus on the things that do – like your clients.</em></li></ul>
<p>And it took a lot of work to quieten that voice<em>. </em></p>
<p><em>But shush it you must!</em></p>
<p>Stay focused on your goals, especially when they align with your core values and give you purpose. </p>
<p><em>Stay true to yourself and what you need to make your life full of meaning and purpose. </em></p>
<p>It is an inside job.</p>
<p>Just like Pearl Jam sang in <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GNwnMGpW90" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Inside job</a> – </p>
<figure class="wp-block-pullquote"><blockquote><p><em>“I will not lose my faith</em></p><p><em>It’s an inside job today</em></p><p><em>I know this one thing well”</em></p></blockquote></figure>
<p>It is important to remember that you too count. You need to be on your own to-do list. Your internal desires and needs for a fulfilling life are crucial. </p>
<p>Do not lose your faith!</p>
<figure class="wp-block-pullquote"><blockquote><p><em>“Life comes from within your heart and desire”…</em></p></blockquote></figure>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>What has been the real “Aha” moment?</em></strong></h2>
<p>Everything is actually ok!</p>
<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/motivate-me-life-coaching-for-lawyers8-1024x711-1.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3095"/></figure>
<p>There has actually been no backlash for taking time out to do yoga. The world hasn’t fallen apart because she took 90 minutes out of her day to focus on her inner wellbeing. </p>
<p>Work is getting done, even better than before, in a shorter period of time thanks to her renewed energy and focus. There is no one throwing their toys out the cot. No one shouting at her because she has taken time out of her day to do something for herself. In fact, most of her clients have been supportive, asking about the challenge and wanting to join. </p>
<p><em>Now that’s a revelation for any professional…. The world doesn’t fall apart in your absence, clients don’t have conniptions and work still gets done. I mean, who would’ve thunk it? </em></p>
<p>There will always be this fear that if you change something in your life, you have to give up something else. But that simply isn’t true. A sacrifice for the betterment of your life, is not always required. Both literally and figuratively…</p>
<p>And that’s hard to remember. Especially during uncertain times, like COVID, lockdowns and looting. You always seem to default back to your old ways – the Judge firmly sitting on the bench in your subconscious. </p>
<p>It is impossible to foresee all the difficulties you will face. In life in general really. </p>
<p>There will always be self-awareness work that you will need to do. Working on yourself, facing your uncertainties, challenges and insecurities head on.</p>
<p>Remembering to always take deep breaths.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>And on turning 40?</em></strong></h2>
<p>It’s really just a number. Truthfully.</p>
<p>And by doing the work (on an ongoing basis), especially at 40, <em>instead of running for the hills you will learn to dance with your inner Judges as they come along.</em></p>
<p>Finishing off our Zoom “fireside” chat (it is winter after all) and our respective glasses of Chardonnay, we come to one more conclusion (over a lot of laughter and toasts to our good health) – we absolutely agree with Bridget Jones!</p>
<p><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3QgZ5G72EM" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"><em>“Smug – well it’s about time. So maybe just a little”.</em></a></p>
<p>About time for what you may ask?</p>
<p>For putting ourselves first. And not feeling guilty about it. </p>
<p>For embracing our 40 year old status with excitement and joy! After all, just like a fine wine, you always get better with age. Remembering of course to store your bottles of wine well and ensuring you make yourself a priority! </p>
<p>So, yeah, maybe we are being a little smug about that. <em>Because it’s about time!</em></p>
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<p>About the writer, <strong><em>Alicia Koch, Founder of The Legal Belletrist.</em></strong></p>
<p>Alicia, an admitted attorney with over 10 years PQE, and now a legal writer and researcher, has established The Legal Belletrist to assist companies (in different sectors) to write well-researched articles that speak to each company’s core business, enabling growth and commercialism. </p>
<p>Click here to visit <a href="https://www.thelegalbelletrist.com/">The Legal Belletrist website</a>.</p>
<p><strong>Email: <a href="mailto:alicia@thebelletrist.com" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">alicia@thebelletrist.com</a> </strong></p>
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<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/finding-motivation-at-40/">Finding Motivation at 40</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<title>Motivate me: What to do when you’ve lost your mojo!</title>
<link>https://bravingboundaries.com/motivate-me-what-to-do-when-youve-lost-your-mojo/</link>
<comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/motivate-me-what-to-do-when-youve-lost-your-mojo/#respond</comments>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Tue, 29 Jun 2021 19:09:10 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Motivation]]></category>
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<guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=3026</guid>
<description><![CDATA[<p>I’m one of the most active and motivated people I know. In my entire 39 years on this planet, I’ve moved. I’ve crawled, walked, run, climbed, hiked, cycled, skied, jumped, leaped, launched, rolled and tumbled – not always in the prettiest of fashions – But I have constantly been active. Constantly pushed myself. Constantly achieved. […]</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/motivate-me-what-to-do-when-youve-lost-your-mojo/">Motivate me: What to do when you’ve lost your mojo!</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<p>I’m one of the most active and motivated people I know. In my entire 39 years on this planet, I’ve moved. I’ve crawled, walked, run, climbed, hiked, cycled, skied, jumped, leaped, launched, rolled and tumbled – not always in the prettiest of fashions – But I have constantly been active. Constantly pushed myself. Constantly achieved.</p>
<p>So, the last 18 months have come as a bit of a shock. </p>
<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="711" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/how-to-keep-motivated1-1024x711-1.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3034"/></figure>
<p>When lockdown hit and South Africa was thrown into a 6-week complete shutdown (we were only capable of leaving the house for shopping or a medical visit), my body gradually shut down too. </p>
<p>Week 1 commenced by running around the house 20 times a day, a 45 minute cycle on the indoor bike whilst watching Top Gun; and an hour Tae Bo session with Billy Blanks dressed in 80’s garb. But the motivation rapidly dwindled.</p>
<p>I had assumed that once the mountain re-opened, I would be back out on the Cape Town trails. Motivation fully resumed (after all – I had put on a couple of lockdown pounds). I did get back out there – sporadically. And loved it when I did. But I struggled to regain any form of consistency. </p>
<p><em>What the heck was going on? This just wasn’t like me! The things that used to motivate me: staying slim; being the best; achieving the impossible – just weren’t incentivizing me anymore!</em></p>
<p><strong><em>I know that I’m not alone in this demotivation journey. </em></strong></p>
<p>But whether you are struggling to get out of bed in the morning; to find motivation to complete work tasks; to exercise or stick to healthy eating plans – that lack of motivation is adding an extra layer of stress to what is already an uncertain and anxiety-fueled world at present.</p>
<p>So, I thought I’d write this article to share my realisations around my personal motivations over the last couple of months; and set out some new methods I’m testing to motivate myself to get back into exercise. Hopefully it will provide some food for thought with your own motivation struggles.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>My worries around exploring the topic of motivation</strong></h2>
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<p>I’m going to preface this article by saying that I was reluctant to look into my lack of motivation for fear of confirming a long-term belief I’ve held about success, drive and motivation. For years, I’ve believed that in order to be successful, you have to be driven by fear and/or pain. I’ll use myself as an example:</p>
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<h3 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>Negative motivation: Example 1</strong></h3>
<p>Back when I was a teenager, a close family friend stopped speaking to me for three years. It was a difficult time. Emotions were heightened. Feelings were not discussed. And silly things were said out of pain and guilt. One of the last things said to me before the hiatus was that I wasn’t good enough to be a lawyer or to go to Harvard. </p>
<p>As a result, although subconsciously, I spent the next 15 years constantly striving; working hard; stretching myself to be the best I possibly could in my career to prove them wrong. By the time our differences were resolved, that negative motivation was firmly entrenched. It drove me up the career ladder at full speed: achieving Senior Associate after 4 years of practice; Head of Global Mergers & Acquisitions by 34; General Counsel by 35 and Partner by 36.</p>
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<h3 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>Negative motivation: Example 2</strong></h3>
<p>I grew up in the 80s/90s where the perverse notion that every woman needed to be a Size 0 or Size 00 was flaunted through every form of media. If you weren’t skeletal, then you were not attractive. The horror of being anything larger than a UK Size 10 was just not acceptable in society. You were a failure. Media in the 90’s certainly did women’s self-esteem a world of good! </p>
<p>Once again, negatively motivated, I became obsessed with food and exercise. I ate like a mouse throughout university to try and control my weight – much to the horror of my poor housemate. I tried every faddy diet under the sun; from Atkins to the South Beach Diet to some weird concoction of cayenne pepper, lemon juice and maple syrup! </p>
<p>As I stumbled through my 20s, my obsession with food was replaced by exercise. I trained for at least an hour every single day; if not twice a day. Running off the calories that I’d consumed. Woe betide I missed a day of exercise – the negative self-talk banshee would be there in full force. </p>
<p>My most extreme was when I was a trainee solicitor living in Hong Kong. For those of you who have ever done a stint in Hong Kong, you’ll understand the concept of the “<em>Hong Kong Stone</em>”. Hong Kong is a city that never sleeps. As trainees / young associates we worked hard and we played even harder. Countless nights did we leave Jardine House at midnight; begin our walk home up the escalators to Mid-Levels and undoubtedly bump into someone we knew – which resulted in a detour to Lan Kwai Fong. For 8 months I survived on about 3 hours of sleep a night; a lot of alcohol and early morning breakfasts at the <em>Flying Pan</em>. It was certainly the most unhealthy lifestyle I’ve lived. </p>
<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="711" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/hong-kong-skyline-1024x711-1.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3063"/></figure>
<p>But, the fear of the Hong Kong Stone – the fear of not being attractive – motivated me every day to be at Pure Fitness at 6am. I spent an hour sweating on the cross trainer or running machine (clocking off season after season of the OC and One Tree Hill) before heading to the office for another long stint. And it worked: my abs were rock hard and into those skinny Size 8 jeans I slipped. The negative motivation once again worked.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>Can you be successful without negative motivation?</strong></h2>
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<p>So, fast-forward to 2020 – a time where I have:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li>worked through all my historical traumas</li><li>worked on my self-confidence</li><li>become a lot kinder to myself</li><li>placed less emphasis on the way I look</li><li>developed a happy and loving relationship</li><li>created and started to live the lifestyle I love and want</li></ul>
<p>I realized that I am no longer fueled by fear and negativity. And there rose the fear / resistance to look into this. What if my theory that you can only be successful if driven by fear/pain was true? Where does that leave me? How could I motivate myself if I was no longer in pain?</p>
<p>So, let’s take a look at what motivation is and how it can transpire in our day to day lives.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>What is motivation?</strong></h2>
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<p>Motivation is “<em>the reason or reasons for acting or behaving in a particular way</em>” (Oxford English Dictionary). </p>
<p>In other words, motivation is why we do what we do. It’s our underlying driver, our reason, our purpose for taking action and behaving the way we do. It also explains why different people are motivated by different things.</p>
<p>Motivation falls into two main categories: <strong>Intrinsic motivation </strong>and<strong> extrinsic motivation</strong>, and both of those types can be expressed in a positive way (<em>reward</em>) or a negative way (<em>punishment</em>).</p>
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<h3 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>Intrinsic motivation</strong> </h3>
<p>Intrinsic motivation refers to behaviour that is driven by internal rewards. In other words, you do it because you gain personal joy and satisfaction from the activity rather than doing it because you are influenced by an external factor.</p>
<p>An example of intrinsic motivation would be reading a book because you love escaping to a different world through literature. Whereas having to read a book in order to pass your Trusts exam would be an external influence. Granted – if you loved learning Trust law then this would constitute intrinsic motivation – but, for me – aie, aie aie! – I was glad to get those books off to the charity shop!</p>
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<h3 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>Extrinsic motivation</strong> </h3>
<p>Extrinsic motivation, on the other hand, refers to behaviour driven by an external factor. This could be in the form of an external reward (i.e. I get something from someone else as a result of completing the activity) or an external punishment (i.e. I avoid something as a result of completing the activity).</p>
<p>A few examples of extrinsic motivation are as follows:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li>If I work hard, I’ll get a promotion / salary increase from my company (<em>reward</em>).</li><li>If I use my American Express card, I’ll get frequent flyer miles (<em>reward</em>).</li><li>If I comply with my fiduciary duties as a director, I won’t get fired or put in jail (<em>punishment</em>).</li><li>If I clean up the house, my flat mate won’t get mad and yell at me for being untidy (<em>punishment</em>).</li></ul>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>Positive and negative motivation</strong></h2>
<p>As you can see from the examples given above, intrinsic and extrinsic motivation can be expressed both in a positive or negative way. </p>
<p>Using the desire / need to get back into exercise as an example, the diagram below highlights some possible intrinsic and extrinsic motivations which could trigger action. </p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>Which style of motivation is better?</strong></h2>
<p>Each style of motivation has the ability to move a person forward, but it is questionable whether extrinsic and negative motivation is sustainable.</p>
<p>The “carrot and stick” approach – i.e. dangling rewards (such as the promise of a pay rise) or the threat of punishment (such as the fear of being fired) may increase motivation short-term, but eventually the influence of that motivation will wear off. For example, you’ll see in the corporate context, unless intrinsically motivated, staff will choose to leave unhealthy work situations even if there are prospects of a promotion or pay rise.</p>
<p>And when it comes to intrinsic motivation, although negative intrinsic motivation may be an effective source of motivation, it is evident that it has detrimental consequences on an individual’s mental health: their self-confidence, self-worth and their value. </p>
<p>Looking back on the two scenarios I highlighted at the beginning of this article, it’s clear that negative extrinsic motivation and negative intrinsic motivation fueled my own action, in so many aspects of my life. Especially when I was younger. It also had the effect of highlighting the fact that negative motivation and extrinsic motivation (whether positive or negative) are not sustainable forms of motivation in the long term. </p>
<p>Unless our motivation is aligned with our personal values & beliefs, and there is a true internal benefit to us in performing the actions necessary – creating long-term, sustainable habits and practices and achieving long-term goals is always going to feel out of reach. </p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>Finding some healthy and positive intrinsic motivation</strong></h2>
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<p>With all this research at my fingertips, I’ve decided to try and incentivize myself back into a consistent exercise routine from a stance of positive intrinsic motivation.</p>
<p>As you can imagine, there are a variety of tools and techniques that can be found dotted around the internet suggesting ways in which to develop positive intrinsic motivation.</p>
<p>I’d be a fraud if I were to tell you how to do it. Considering I’ve never tested it out for myself. So, instead I’ve pulled together various elements of the research I found to form the backbone of my experiment:</p>
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<p><strong><strong>Set a challenge which is not too easy and not too hard</strong></strong></p>
<p>The theory is that a challenge is a good incentive to move you into action. But – you don’t want the challenge to be too easy – you’ll get bored; nor too hard – you’ll get disillusioned (<em>The Goldilocks Rule – a challenge that is “Just right”</em>).</p>
<p>So, with my 40<sup>th</sup> birthday looming just around the corner, I’ve decided to undertake a 40-day yoga challenge from 1 July to 11 August. I will finish (all going according to plan) the day before my birthday.</p>
<p>This challenge for me is a stretch. But it is also something I know I am capable of as I have completed a 40-day challenge before! Granted, it was 12 years ago!</p>
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<p><strong><strong>Understand the positive internal benefits of taking on this challenge:</strong></strong></p>
<p>I’ve worked through a number of questions (see worksheet attached) to really tap into why I want to get back into yoga, the benefits it will bring to me, and the saboteur tendencies that are likely to try and derail me.</p>
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<p><strong><strong>Journal</strong></strong></p>
<p>I’m certain that this challenge is going to be far from easy. But to keep track of my progress, I’ve committed to keep myself accountable by documenting this journey in my journal. </p>
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</div>
<p></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>Will I re-find my yoga mojo? </em></strong></h2>
<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/how-to-keep-motivated6-1024x711-1.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-3039"/></figure>
<p>I honestly don’t know. I’ve never consciously motivated myself this way before. But, I’ll keep you updated on social media over the next 40 days. So, stay tuned!</p>
<p>If you are in need of some motivation to kickstart a lifestyle change or reach a goal, and you’d like to join me on the “Motivate Me” challenge – by all means do so. </p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li>Identify your 40-day goal / challenge</li><li>Determine your intrinsic motivation (download the worksheet below)</li><li>Grab yourself a journal and be ready to note down your daily progress.</li></ul>
<p><em>We’re all in this together. </em></p>
<p>I can honestly admit, hand-on-heart, that I don’t have the answers. But I’ll tell you one thing – I’m prepared to try something new!</p>
<p>After all: <em>“If you want something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done.”</em> – Thomas Jefferson.</p>
<p>Success motivated from a place of happiness – well, who wouldn’t want that!</p>
<p>[et_bloom_inline optin_id=”optin_2″]</p>
<p></p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/motivate-me-what-to-do-when-youve-lost-your-mojo/">Motivate me: What to do when you’ve lost your mojo!</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<title>Building resilience</title>
<link>https://bravingboundaries.com/building-resilience/</link>
<comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/building-resilience/#respond</comments>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Sat, 11 Jul 2020 10:45:34 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Lawyer Life]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Perfectionism]]></category>
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<category><![CDATA[perfectionistic behaviour]]></category>
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<guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=1533</guid>
<description><![CDATA[<p>In a world where perfection is still promoted, learn to build resilience.</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/building-resilience/">Building resilience</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
]]></description>
<content:encoded><![CDATA[
<p>I hate this question in an interview. Why? </p>
<p>Because:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li><strong>the question is disingenuous</strong> – if they wanted to know my greatest weakness, I would tell them it was my right knee from over-running;</li><li><strong>no one gives an honest answer</strong> – there are articles galore on how to respond to this question in a way that pivots an alleged weakness into a strength; and</li><li><strong>it associates weakness with characteristics / behaviours that are not weak</strong>.</li></ul>
<p>I’m hardly going to say: <strong><em>“I’m not very functional when I don’t have enough sleep”</em></strong>. Although true, that isn’t going to land me a job in the <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-fear-around-mental-health-in-the-legal-world/">legal world</a> that expects so much of my time.</p>
<p>Is being dysfunctional after 24 hours in the office a weakness? <em><strong>Absolutely not!</strong> </em>Is it considered weak in the legal world? Unfortunately, yes. Why would we need to reframe things otherwise?</p>
<figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/perfectionism-tired.jpg" alt="perfection at work"/></figure>
<p>Perfectionism – whether expressed or not – is still promoted in the legal world.</p>
<p>Think of all the superlatives: <strong><em>the best, the biggest, the most accessible</em></strong> etc. Ideals and standards that are then adopted by lawyers. I must be available 24/7; I must be seen to be working hard. I must… I must … I must…</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="is-it-any-surprise-that-so-many-lawyers-become-perfectionists"><strong><em>Is it any surprise that so many lawyers become perfectionists?</em></strong></h3>
<p>So, having spent the week looking at the dangers of perfectionism, <em><strong>how do you stay resilient in a world that promotes perfection?</strong></em></p>
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<p><strong>Stay healthy</strong> – Build hydration, good nutrition, sleep and exercise into your life to reduce the impact of stress on your physical and mental health.</p>
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<p><strong>Nurture your tribe</strong> – They keep your grounded, supported and in touch with the real world.</p>
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<p><strong>Have this mantra on repeat: “<em>You don’t have to be perfect to be successful</em>”: </strong>Our flaws, our differences, our quirks are what make us unique. It is in our differences that we find success.</p>
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<p><em>Tell me, what do you do to build your resilience in the legal world?</em></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="if-you-are-struggling-with-perfectionism"><strong>If you are struggling with perfectionism</strong></h2>
<p>If perfectionism is something with which you struggle and which is causing uncomfortable levels of stress for you, please know that these behaviour patterns can be changed. It takes time and effort – but it is achievable. And life is a lot less stressful on the other side.</p>
<p>Through coaching, we can address the underlying fears and insecurities which the perfectionistic behaviour is masking. Together, we can identify ways to reduce the self-criticism and increase your self-esteem, so that you can be confident in who you are, in everything you do and in how you are seen in the world.</p>
<p><strong><em>You are enough!</em></strong></p>
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<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/building-resilience/">Building resilience</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<title>The Perfectionist Problem</title>
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<dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Mon, 06 Jul 2020 15:44:20 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Comfort over coffee]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Lawyer Life]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Perfectionism]]></category>
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<description><![CDATA[<p>"Perfection" - an unattainable target for which many of us strive. This article looks at why we feel we need to be perfect, the false belief that perfection brings success, and some ideas that have helped me to let go of the need to be a perfectionist.</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-perfectionist-problem/">The Perfectionist Problem</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<h1 class="wp-block-heading" id="the-perfectionist-problem">The Perfectionist Problem</h1>
<p><em>This article forms part of the “Comfort Over Coffee” series – a range of articles seeking to tackle the trickier issues faced in the <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-fear-around-mental-health-in-the-legal-world/">legal world</a></em>.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="introduction"><strong>Introduction</strong></h2>
<p><em><strong>Full disclosure: I am a recovering perfectionist workaholic – and I always will be.</strong></em></p>
<p>Ironically, as I sit down to write this article, I can feel my perfectionist coming out:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li><em>“This article needs to be perfect if people are going to resonate.”</em></li><li><em>“There needs to be the perfect balance between fun and information.”</em></li><li><em>“How can you write about perfectionism when you still struggle with it?”</em></li></ul>
<p>Well, the reality is that:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li>this article will resonate with some of you and not with others (<em>and that’s ok</em>).</li><li>for some it will be fun and informative, but possibly not for others (and that’s ok).</li><li>I’m not perfect (and that’s ok).</li></ul>
<p>Aside from telling you a bit about my personal struggle with perfectionism, this article is going to delve into why we feel we need to be perfect, the false belief that perfection brings success, and some ideas that have helped me to let go of the need to be perfect.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="our-need-to-be-perfect"><strong>Our need to be perfect</strong></h2>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="from-childhood-perfectionist"><strong>From childhood perfectionist …</strong></h3>
<p>Society has encouraged us to be perfect from an early age.</p>
<p>As children:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li>Aptitude testing was a regularity to test potential and capacity to learn (from as young as two years old in some cases): Thursdays featured 100 multiplication questions (7×8, 9×6 etc.). Mondays oriented around spelling tests (I still can’t spell ‘occurrence’ confidently). Everything was graded. 90% got praised! 70% not so much (even though it was 20% over the pass mark).</li><li>We grew up with the daily mantra from our teachers and parents of: “Success comes from hard work”. And hard work reaped rewards: being selected for the national netball team, winning the school music competition, being voted as Head Boy / Head Girl.</li><li>As others worked hard to achieve success, competition to be the best heightened – pushing us further towards the need to be perfect.</li><li>Hard work alone was no longer enough – we had to be multi-disciplinary: a good person, someone who helps others, someone who is likeable, someone who is self-sacrificing – the “good all-rounder”.</li><li>The muscles in our brains connecting success with hard work and being multi-capable strengthened, as did the muscle that linked success to perfection.</li></ul>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="to-adulthood-perfectionist"><strong>To adulthood perfectionist …</strong></h3>
<p>As we entered into adult life, our view as to what constituted “perfection” was further embellished:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li>The <strong>romantic-comedy genre</strong> solidified the belief that happiness was derived from the perfect relationship / being the perfect partner. The fact that these films focused on the “getting together” part rather than the actual long-term relationship is by-the-by.</li><li><strong>Social media</strong> portrayed “perfect” to be normal and constantly achievable (never a bad photo in sight).</li><li>The <strong>fitness industry</strong> constantly reminded us of how we could achieve the perfect body, perfect abs, perfect legs – as if there was such a thing! I vividly remember when the size 0 phenomenon hit the media with Nicole Ritchie’s emaciated figure flaunted across magazine covers for the world to see. Dangerously thin was portrayed as the ideal body shape. Another area in our lives in which we had to be perfect in order to succeed.</li></ul>
<p><em>Is it any wonder that this constant assault of unreaslistic “perfection” resulted in so many of us becoming stressed out, over-achieving perfectionists? </em></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="my-perfectionist-story"><strong>My perfectionist story</strong></h2>
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<p>Well, this is what <em><strong>perfectionism</strong> </em>looked like for me.</p>
<p>This photo was taken back in 2014 on a night out with a friend in a bar, downing tequila shots after a long day in the office and yet another failed romantic liaison (it never actually qualified as a relationship). </p>
<p>I was:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li><strong><em>the perfect lawyer</em></strong> – I worked hard, led the most prestigious deals, volunteered on all the committees and went the extra mile. <i><strong>But,</strong> I was not paid my market value nor did I have a clear career path.</i></li></ul>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li><strong><em>the perfect romantic partner</em></strong> – I was fun, slim, always smiling, putting everyone else’s needs before my own, being their cheerleader and daily support. <i><strong>But, </strong>I was not respected or supported (by them or myself) which led to back-to-back failed relationships and a disastrous impact on my self-worth. Not ideal when the rest of your friendship group are happily married and moving into parenthood.</i></li><li><strong><em>the perfect friend</em></strong> – I raced around the world to be at friends’ weddings, visit new-born babies, spend time with my god children. You name it – I barely sat still! <i><strong>But,</strong> my closest friendships suffered because quality time wasn’t spent with the people I cared most about and with those who cared most about me.</i></li><li><strong><em>the perfect all-rounder</em></strong> – I was the epitome of a multi-tasker. I was sporty. I loved a challenge. I raised funds for charity. I organised parties and pub quizzes. I could converse about Turandot as much as I could about how Liverpool were performing in the Premier League. <strong><i>But,</i></strong> <em>I was exhausted. I stopped enjoying the things I loved doing. I felt resentment when my time was taken away from me. I’d chameleoned into so many versions of myself that I’d forgotten who I was at my core.</em></li></ul>
<p><strong><em>Had perfectionism led to success?</em></strong></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="the-dangers-of-perfectionism"><strong>The dangers of perfectionism</strong></h2>
<p>The problem with perfectionism is that it is an ideal. There is no finite point which can be reached to confirm that “perfection” has been achieved. It is, by virtue, unattainable.</p>
<p>So, by seeking perfection, we are setting ourselves up for constant failure which, in turn, can have a severe impact on our mental and physical health.</p>
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<p>Perfectionism also results in an unhealthy level of resistance to failure – as if failure was a bad thing. The irony is that success is achieved as a result of our failures. If we did not fail, how would we ever learn, improve and grow?</p>
<p><em><strong>Failure is a necessary part of being a human. It’s a necessary part of success.</strong></em></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="how-to-let-go-of-the-need-to-be-perfect"><strong>How to let go of the need to be perfect</strong></h2>
<p>Wouldn’t it be nice just to chill out and relax sometimes? To kick back and enjoy your days without worrying about how you are seen, the impression that you are making, the value that you are bringing to the table. To spend your time enjoying what you are doing. To be comfortable with the very real fact that <strong>you are enough</strong>.</p>
<p>Telling a perfectionist to just do things imperfectly is never going to work though. It is not a switch which we can just turn on and off. It takes time and effort to change behavioural patterns.</p>
<p>But here are a few things that helped me to reduce my perfectionist tendencies:</p>
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<p><strong>Acknowledge the existence of your inner perfectionist:</strong> We adopt perfectionist behaviour to protect ourselves from underlying fears and insecurities. For many perfectionists, their self-worth is derived from praise, where praise is identified with perfection. <strong>Seek support</strong> from a coach to help you identify these underlying fears and build up your self-esteem. Learn to let go of your perfectionist tendencies and lead a much calmer and stress-free lifestyle.</p>
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<p><strong>Let go of the idea that “perfect” exists: </strong>It doesn’t. If “perfect” existed, I am quite certain that evolution would have created identical human beings by now, removing any irregularities. What a humdrum world that would be! Our flaws, our differences, our quirks are what make us unique. It is in our differences that we find our superpowers – the real things that let us shine.</p>
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<p><strong>Stop comparing yourself to others: <em>EVERYONE</em></strong> struggles with something, no matter how they portray themselves in the outside world. Whether it is the perfect family; the huge book of clients; the holiday home in the Hamptons – this is all external messaging. No one brags about the fact that they are feeling like an imposter, worrying about money, not having sex, struggling with their kid’s behaviour. Stop comparing your internal version of the world (the lens through which you look at your own life) with someone else’s external version of the world.</p>
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<p><strong>Reframe success: </strong>Knowing that “perfect” is unattainable, what does a successful life really look like to you? I don’t care if it is on the “what it should look like” list. I want to know what would make you happy, healthy and fulfilled. Take a moment to really think about that. Now consider how you can start implementing that.</p>
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<p><strong>Celebrate your accomplishments – no matter how big or small</strong>: As perfectionists, we achieve a lot, but when do we ever take time to celebrate our accomplishments? You’ll soon see that accomplishment and success can still be achieved in the absence of perfection.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="next-steps"><strong>Next Steps</strong></h2>
<p>If perfectionism is something with which you struggle and which is causing uncomfortable levels of stress for you, please know that these behaviour patterns can be changed. It takes time and effort – but it is achievable. And life is a lot less stressful on the other side.</p>
<p>Through coaching, we can address the underlying fears and insecurities which the perfectionistic behaviour is masking. Together, we can identify ways to reduce the self-criticism and increase your self-esteem, so that you can be confident in who you are, in everything you do and in how you are seen in the world.</p>
<p><strong><em>You are enough!</em></strong></p>
<p><a role="button" href="https://calendly.com/bravingboundaries/discovery-call-30-mins"><br>Book a free Discovery Session<br></a><br><a role="button" href="https://bravingboundaries.com/contact-me/"><br>Drop me a quick message<br></a><br><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" sizes="(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" srcset="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-1024x311-1.jpg 1024w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-300x91-1.jpg 300w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-768x233-1.jpg 768w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-500x152.png 500w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-800x243.png 800w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-1280x389-1.jpg 1280w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-1080x328-1.jpg 1080w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-980x298-1.jpg 980w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-480x146-1.jpg 480w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner.jpg 1400w" width="1024" height="311" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-1024x311-1.jpg" alt="Coaching for perfectionist"></p>
<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="references"><strong>References </strong></h2>
<p>“<em>The dangerous downsides of perfectionism</em>” by Amanda Ruggeri (senior journalist for the BBC) – definitely worth the read: https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20180219-toxic-perfectionism-is-on-the-rise </p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-perfectionist-problem/">The Perfectionist Problem</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<title>Be Brave!</title>
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<dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Thu, 02 Jul 2020 00:55:00 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Lawyer Life]]></category>
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<category><![CDATA[work-life balance]]></category>
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<description><![CDATA[<p>There are times in our lives where enough becomes enough! It is in those times, when we put ourselves first, that the magic truly happens ...</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/be-brave/">Be Brave!</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
]]></description>
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<h2><strong><em>“Do something today that your future self will thank you for.”</em> ― Sean Patrick Flanery</strong></h2>
<p>I first read and posted this quote on 30 September 2016.</p>
<p>It was a big day for me.</p>
<ul>
<li>It was the day I handed in my notice.</li>
<li>It was the day that I found true courage to put myself first.</li>
<li>It was the day I said: “enough is enough”.</li>
<li>It was the day I took control back over the direction of my life.</li>
</ul>
<p><img decoding="async" title="10362954_10156371786730554_8301205857118522256_n2" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/10362954_10156371786730554_8301205857118522256_n2-1.jpg" alt="10362954_10156371786730554_8301205857118522256_n2" /></p>
<h2><strong>Three months later …</strong></h2>
<p>… I was sitting on a plane, heading back to Singapore (my previous home) to start a trip of a lifetime. It became the most transformative year of my life:</p>
<ul>
<li>I traveled alone.</li>
<li>I spent quality time with my closest friends and family.</li>
<li>I visited places I had never managed to get to before (New Zealand, Zimbabwe, Botswana).</li>
<li>I helped my sister prepare for her wedding.</li>
<li>I faced my fears of eating out alone.<br />
I finally did my yoga teacher training after 10 years of practice.</li>
<li>I volunteered at mothers 2 mothers- an incredible charity which I’d supported whilst in corporate.</li>
<li>I put myself out there – I actually dated.</li>
<li>I slowed down: I wrote. I reflected.</li>
<li>I gained perspective. I put past issues to rest.</li>
<li>I truly enjoyed myself.</li>
</ul>
<figure><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/16830898_10158335835260554_1341082582831099851_n.jpg" sizes="(max-width: 960px) 100vw, 960px" srcset="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/16830898_10158335835260554_1341082582831099851_n.jpg 960w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/16830898_10158335835260554_1341082582831099851_n-300x225.jpg 300w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/16830898_10158335835260554_1341082582831099851_n-768x576.jpg 768w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/16830898_10158335835260554_1341082582831099851_n-500x375.jpg 500w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/16830898_10158335835260554_1341082582831099851_n-800x600.jpg 800w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/16830898_10158335835260554_1341082582831099851_n-510x382.jpg 510w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/16830898_10158335835260554_1341082582831099851_n-480x360.jpg 480w" alt="" width="960" height="720" /><figcaption>Braemar Station, Lake Pukaki, Tekapo, New Zealand</figcaption></figure>
<p>That change (quite drastic in my case) allowed me to bring my life back in alignment with my core values. When I returned to the <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-fear-around-mental-health-in-the-legal-world/">legal world</a> in 2018, those values and priorities remained (and still remain) at the forefront of everything I do.</p>
<h2><strong>Braving change</strong></h2>
<p>Change, no matter how big or small it may seem, takes time and effort, and believe me, it helps if you have someone to talk it all through with. My transformation started well before 2016 through counselling (<em>putting my historical issues to rest</em>) and coaching (<em>working out what the hell I wanted from my life and learning how to go out and get it</em>).</p>
<p>If you are at a point where you want to make a change, but are struggling with the “how” – then drop me a message or consider booking a <strong>Basic Balance</strong> session.</p>
<p>Let’s address the challenges together, so you can achieve a <strong>happier</strong>, <strong>healthier</strong> and <strong>more balanced life</strong>.</p>
<p><a role="button" href="https://bravingboundaries.com/work-with-me-individual/"><br />
Click here To work with me<br />
</a></p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/be-brave/">Be Brave!</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<title>Imposter Syndrome: Fighting the feelings of being a fraud</title>
<link>https://bravingboundaries.com/imposter-syndrome-fighting-the-feelings-of-being-a-fraud/</link>
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<dc:creator><![CDATA[@dmin2019]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Sun, 24 May 2020 12:00:00 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Comfort over coffee]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[attorney life]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[imposter phenomenon]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[imposter syndrome]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[imposterism]]></category>
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<description><![CDATA[<p>Imposter Syndrome refers to people who have a persistent belief in their lack of intelligence, skills or competence. Despite evidence to the contrary, they are convinced their successes are the result of luck, charm, connections or other external factors - not their competence and capability. Does any of this sound familiar? Well, luckily, you are not alone.</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/imposter-syndrome-fighting-the-feelings-of-being-a-fraud/">Imposter Syndrome: Fighting the feelings of being a fraud</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
]]></description>
<content:encoded><![CDATA[
<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="imposter-syndrome-fighting-the-feelings-of-being-a-fraud">Imposter Syndrome: Fighting the feelings of being a fraud</h2>
<figure style="background-color: #686252;"></figure>
<p><em>This article forms part of the “Comfort Over Coffee” series – a range of articles seeking to tackle the trickier issues faced in the <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-fear-around-mental-health-in-the-legal-world/">legal world</a></em>.</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="introduction">Introduction</h3>
<p>Have you ever been invited to a meeting and looked at the other participants and thought: “<em>Gulp! What on earth am I doing up here? I do not deserve to be in this room!</em>”?</p>
<p>Have you ever passed an exam, having studied hard, and just put it down to sheer luck?</p>
<p>Have you ever received a promotion and credited it to “<em>just being in the right place at the right time</em>”?</p>
<p>If you’ve answered “yes” to any of the above, then you may well have experienced a bout of imposter syndrome. <strong>Approximately 70% of people will suffer from imposter syndrome at least once in their lives.</strong> So, as much as it may feel like it, you are not in this alone.</p>
<p>This article seeks to explain the imposter phenomenon, to consider some of its roots, to highlight its potential impact and to identify possible strategies to overcome it.</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="what-is-imposter-syndrome">What is imposter syndrome?</h3>
<p>The concept of “imposter syndrome” (UK spelling) / “impostor syndrome” (US spelling) (also known as imposter phenomenon) was first introduced in 1978 by Dr. Pauline R. Clance and Dr. Suzanne A. Imes. They defined the imposter phenomenon as an “<em>internal experience of intellectual phoniness</em>”.</p>
<p>The women studied by Clance and Imes maintained a strong belief that, despite a mountain of evidence to the contrary, they were “<em>not intelligent and were convinced that they had managed to fool their way to success</em>”. They lived with the view that, at some point, someone would see through the veneer and they would be exposed as the “<strong>frauds</strong>” that they were.</p>
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<p>In 2011, Dr. Valerie Young, a leading expert in imposter syndrome, further developed the theory stating that:</p>
<p>“<em>Impostor Syndrome refers to people who have a persistent belief in their lack of intelligence, skills or competence. They are convinced that other people’s praise and recognition of their accomplishments is undeserved, chalking up their achievements to chance, charm, connections and other external factors.</em>”</p>
<p>We are not talking about “<em>false humility”</em> here. We are talking about hard-working, talented and capable people – men and women alike who have achieved great things – who genuinely believe that they do not deserve their success.</p>
<figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/3-1024x311.png" alt=""/></figure>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="imposter-syndrome-and-the-law">Imposter Syndrome and the law</h3>
<p>I’d like to say that there is very little luck in becoming a lawyer. Yes, your parents may have been lawyers or business owners and had connections. Yes, you may have fluked the accountancy exam of your Legal Practice Course. Yes, you may be incredibly funny and personable and people just like you. But, don’t write off:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li>the hard work you put in to achieve your A-levels (or equivalent) and law degree;</li><li>the extra-curricular activities you participated in;</li><li>the connections you made which made you a more rounded person; and</li><li>the interview that you nailed to get your training contract because you’d researched your desired law firm</li></ul>
<p><strong>It’s certainly not all about luck.</strong></p>
<p>Having researched the imposter syndrome and struggled with it myself throughout my career, what fascinates me most is that the feeling of being a fraud arises at varying stages of your career. You would think that the more successes you have, the more that feeling of fraudulence would dissipate. But, it doesn’t. Instead, imposter syndrome becomes a self-perpetuating cycle … the more you succeed, the more people will expect of you, the more you need to perform and, quite frankly, you have no idea how you did it in the first place!.</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="my-first-encounter-with-imposter-syndrome">My first encounter with imposter syndrome</h3>
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<p>I <strong>HATE</strong> sitting exams. I always have and, having just taken my ICF exam, I am quite certain I always will. For some unjustifiable reason, I have always entered an exam room thinking that there was a high chance that I would fail.</p>
<p>At law school, we were a group of six. All of us perfectly intelligent and all of us becoming successful lawyers in our respective fields. We bonded through humour, kindness and capability – each of us supporting the other when we were struggling. But, despite any evidence to the contrary – I always felt that they were naturally gifted and success would come to them with ease.</p>
<p>When it came to exam time, they all used to tease me for studying too hard. My belief was that I wasn’t “naturally clever” and, to do well, I had to work hard. And so I did. I vividly remember highlighting my Companies Act 1985 from front to back. I can still remember the steps of the whitewash procedure (section 155-158) which, given their abolition in the 2006 Act, is pretty useless today!</p>
<p>By the time exam day arrived, I knew my stuff and, funnily enough, the exam went off without a hitch. I remember chatting to my friend afterwards and saying: “Yeh, it went ok I think … [I would never have said “well” in case I jinxed it] … I was just really lucky the right questions came up”! The reality is that any question on the Companies Act could have come up and I would have been fine. I’d studied hard and I knew my stuff. But, despite all that, I still genuinely believed that my success was a result of luck rather than competence or capability.</p>
<p><strong>So, with little or no proof to the contrary, what is it that drives the imposter thinking?</strong></p>
<figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/2-1-1024x1024-1.jpg" alt=""/></figure>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="what-causes-imposter-syndrome">What causes imposter syndrome?</h3>
<p>There are varying theories as to the root cause of imposter syndrome. In the paper: “<em>The impostor phenomenon in high achieving women</em>”, Clance and Imes observed two scenarios which related to early family history:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li><strong>The labeling of siblings or close relatives as the “intelligent one”, the “sensitive one”, the “funny one” etc.</strong> The implication is that the child which isn’t labelled as the “intelligent one” can never prove that she is as bright as her sibling regardless of what she actually accomplishes intellectually. Her successes are conflicted: she continually seeks validation for her competence, and yet secretly doubts her intellect believing she may have achieved success for other reasons e.g. social skills, feminine charm.</li><li><strong>The notion of being the perfect child.</strong> When children are brought up with the family rhetoric that: “<em>there is nothing you cannot do if you want to and you can do it with ease</em>”, imposter syndrome can creep in when they start experiencing difficulty in achieving certain things. They don’t want to let the family down, and, in turn, start to distrust the family’s perception of their capability. Although the child does well, it comes from working hard (not a natural ability), which is contrary to the notion of “<em>perfection with ease</em>”. The child no longer thinks she is clever and therefore starts feeling like an imposter.</li></ul>
<figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/4-1024x311.png" alt=""/></figure>
<p>Dr. Valerie Young went on to develop the family and childhood experience theory adding various examples of adult/child relationship dynamics to the mix. She also highlighted other good reasons why people may feel like imposters. These include the following:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li><strong>Being a student</strong> – the transition from school, where you may have been top of your class, into university, where you may feel decidedly average compared to your peers, can certainly cause you to question your capability and competence. I certainly resonated with this theory.</li><li><strong>Being a stranger in a strange land</strong> – If you are the first in your family to go to university or become a lawyer; or the first woman to reach the position of CEO in your company, or you are working abroad in a new country, the unfamiliar territory may allow the feelings of impostorism to creep in. Aside from the expectations and pressure to perform, you are also struggling with the need to fit in to your new surroundings.</li><li><strong>Working for yourself</strong> – In a world where you have no job description, no peer/management feedback and no annual reviews, you make up your own. As high achievers at the best of times, the levels of expectation you place on yourself are always higher than you would expect from others. Is it any wonder that you start feeling like an imposter when those unattainable goals are not reached?</li><li><strong>Working in an organisational culture that feeds self-doubt</strong> – certain industries are highly competitive. Success is rewarded by promotion and through salaries and bonuses. Egos, one-upping and infighting are part and parcel of a competitive business industry and can cause people to doubt their competence and ability to play in this field. Self-confidence can take a battering.</li><li><strong>Representing your entire social group</strong> – Being in a minority can also trigger anxiety. If there is an additional belief that your position was achieved only as a result of affirmative action (rather than your competence and capability), this can undermine your confidence and increase the pressure to prove yourself – all of which may result in feeling like an imposter.</li></ul>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="what-is-so-damaging-about-imposter-syndrome">What is so damaging about imposter syndrome?</h3>
<p>Research has identified a number of emotional, mental, and physical consequences which imposter syndrome can have on our lives if it remains unaddressed:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li>It can increase levels of stress, anxiety, lack of self-confidence and frustration which, in turn, can cause a physical effect: insomnia, exhaustion and poor physical health.</li><li>At the more extreme levels, it can lead to depression.</li><li>It can hold you back in your career. Imposter syndrome can act as an internal barrier to career progression and seeking positions of leadership.</li><li>It can trigger self-sabotaging behaviour. The disconnect between proof of success and the self-held belief that your success is not deserved, may lead to distorted views of what you are capable of accomplishing.</li><li>It may lead to overwork or worse, burnout. If your belief is that your successes are only a result of hard work, then this may lead to you taking on too much work to continually justify your position and previous successes, which in turn, may lead to burnout.</li></ul>
<figure class="wp-block-image"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/5-1024x311.png" alt=""/></figure>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="learning-to-quieten-the-imposter-monster">Learning to quieten the imposter monster!</h3>
<p>My imposter syndrome has flared up at varying times and to varying degrees during my career – usually at a period of transition. Some examples include when I was seconded to a client for a work placement, writing articles for distribution to clients, public speaking, attending indabas/conferences, pitching for partnership etc. Over time though, I’ve found a number of ways to stem the onset of the imposter feelings.</p>
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<p><b>Acknowledge it and know you are not alone</b> – Recognising that you are suffering with imposter syndrome and not just low self-esteem or a lack of confidence is the starting point. I only realised what imposter syndrome was in my early thirties after a discussion with my mother, a well-respected and highly-successful General Practitioner and Fellow – who struggled with imposter syndrome throughout her career! I had no idea!</p>
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<p><b>Talk to your trusted peers and mentors about it </b>– Gaining a clearer understanding as to whether or not your capability concerns are warranted should enable you to gain a clearer perspective around the situation. Ask for honest and respectful feedback.</p>
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<p><b>Self-reflection</b> – Spend some time looking at your accomplishments and successes to date. Try to see the factual path as to how you have reached your current position whether in work, a relationship, a sport or other aspect in your life. What work have you put in? What sacrifices have you made? What qualities have supported your successes?</p>
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<p><strong>Start acting like you are not an imposter</strong> – As Dr. Valerie Young mentions in her TedTalk: “<em>To stop feeling like an impostor, you’ve got to stop thinking like an impostor.</em>” You don’t have to feel confident to act confident. Over time, repeated actions will start to feel more comfortable and more natural, allowing you to step away from the internalisation of phoniness.</p>
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<p><b>Understand where your imposter syndrome may be rooted</b> – Acknowledging the roots of our imposter feelings and recognising the distortion in our own narrative, may help to dispel the myth that our successes are without merit.</p>
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<p><strong>Get informed</strong> – There are some wonderful books and articles about imposter syndrome available online and in hard copy. Learn about imposter syndrome – the more informed you are, the less scary it feels.</p>
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<p><strong>Speak to a coach or therapist</strong> – If you are looking for external support, consider speaking to a coach or a therapist to help you tackle the feelings with which you are struggling.</p>
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<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="conclusion">Conclusion</h3>
<p>Luck, time, connection, charm, personality and other external factors may have played a role in your successes, but they are not the sole reason for your success.</p>
<p>By owning your successes, you stop diminishing your value and start operating in alignment with your capability and competence. You start truly believing in yourself, which paves the way for new opportunities and further successes which you deserve.</p>
<p><em>If you are currently experiencing imposter syndrome and need someone to talk to, then why don’t you <a style="color: #c69229; text-decoration: none;" href="https://bravingboundaries.com/contact-me/">drop me a message</a> and we can arrange a one-on-one coaching session.</em></p>
<p><strong>Please don’t struggle alone.</strong></p>
<p><a role="button" href="https://calendly.com/bravingboundaries/discovery-call-30-mins"><br>book a free discovery session<br></a><br><a role="button" href="https://bravingboundaries.com/contact-me/"><br>drop me a quick message<br></a></p>
<p><strong>Further reading:</strong></p>
<p>For further reading on Imposter Syndrome, please refer to: “<em>The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It</em>” by Dr. Valerie Young.</p>
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<p><!-- divi:paragraph --><strong>References:</strong></p>
<p>Clance, P. R., & Imes, S. A. (1978). The imposter phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, 15(3), 241–247. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/h0086006">https://doi.org/10.1037/h0086006</a></p>
<p>Gail Matthews and Pauline Clance, “Treatment of the Impostor Phenomenon in Psychotherapy Clients,” Psychotherapy in Private Practice 3, no. 1 (1985): 71–81.</p>
<p>Clance, P. R., & Langford, J (1993). The imposter phenomenon: Recent research findings regarding dynamics, personality and family patterns and their implications for treatment. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, Vol 30(3), Fal 1993, 495-501</p>
<p>“The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It” by Dr. Valerie Young, (2011)</p>
<p>Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries : “The dangers of feeling like a fake”, September 2005 issue of Harvard Business Review</p>
<p>Neureiter M., Traut-Mattausch E. (2016). Inspecting the dangers of feeling like a fake: an empirical investigation of the impostor phenomenon in the world of work. Front. Psychol. 7:1445 10.3389/fpsyg.2016.01445</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/imposter-syndrome-fighting-the-feelings-of-being-a-fraud/">Imposter Syndrome: Fighting the feelings of being a fraud</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<title>Embrace your productivity</title>
<link>https://bravingboundaries.com/embrace-your-productivity/</link>
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<dc:creator><![CDATA[@dmin2019]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Mon, 18 May 2020 20:22:17 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[work-life balance]]></category>
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<description><![CDATA[<p>Learning to embrace your productivity: When are you at your most productive? And what subtle changes can you make to adapt your working pattern to fit in with your productivity pattern?</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/embrace-your-productivity/">Embrace your productivity</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<h2>Productivity</h2>
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<p>“<em>You are the only person I know who takes a bath at 3pm in the afternoon!</em>” laughed my other half as he rang from work.</p>
<p>“<em>It’s the part of my day when I am least productive and least creative.</em>” I replied. “<em>I may as well do something useful with it!</em>”</p>
<p><strong>I have always struggled with being productive between 2pm to 4pm.</strong> When I worked in an office, unless I was in a meeting, I used to find myself getting easily distracted during this time, wandering off for a coffee, having a chat or sitting at my desk re-reading the same paragraph over and over again as it just wouldn’t sink in! I think this was partly because I didn’t use to take my full lunch hour (yes, I was someone who ate at my desk). Exercising in the morning helped to some extent, as the endorphin boost seemed to enhance productivity a little longer, but, there was an undeniable hour slump.</p>
<p>Since working from home, and having the ability to manage my own hours, <strong>I’ve worked out when I am most productive.</strong> For me it is the early hours: magic happens between 6am and 9am! So, by the time it comes to 2pm/3pm, rather than feeling guilty about not working, I use the time in a productive way. I have a bath, walk the dogs, have lunch, whatever doesn’t require brain power. There is an amazing shift in my mindset when I step away from work rather than keep pushing on through purely because it is part of the typical working day. It makes for a much more productive late afternoon/early evening slot too.</p>
<p><strong>This got me thinking. </strong></p>
<p>During lockdown, have you noticed any patterns with your productivity throughout the day? And, if you work in an office (bearing in mind corporate policies), can you make any subtle changes to adapt your working pattern to fit in with your productivity pattern when you return?</p>
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<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/embrace-your-productivity/">Embrace your productivity</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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