<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?><rss version="2.0" xmlns:content="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/content/" xmlns:wfw="http://wellformedweb.org/CommentAPI/" xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/" xmlns:atom="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom" xmlns:sy="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/syndication/" xmlns:slash="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/slash/" > <channel> <title>happiness Archives - Braving Boundaries</title> <atom:link href="https://bravingboundaries.com/tag/happiness/feed/" rel="self" type="application/rss+xml" /> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/tag/happiness/</link> <description>PROFESSIONAL LIFE COACHING & TRAINING</description> <lastBuildDate>Mon, 06 May 2024 03:44:02 +0000</lastBuildDate> <language>en-ZA</language> <sy:updatePeriod> hourly </sy:updatePeriod> <sy:updateFrequency> 1 </sy:updateFrequency> <image> <url>https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Asset-1.svg</url> <title>happiness Archives - Braving Boundaries</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/tag/happiness/</link> <width>32</width> <height>32</height> </image> <item> <title>The Self-Help Conundrum</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/the-self-help-conundrum/</link> <comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/the-self-help-conundrum/#respond</comments> <dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Sun, 30 Jul 2023 15:11:58 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Finding direction and purpose]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Motivation]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-awareness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-care]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-reflection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Stress & Anxiety]]></category> <category><![CDATA[work-life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[anxiety]]></category> <category><![CDATA[confidence]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Counselling]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Emotional intelligence]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Empowerment]]></category> <category><![CDATA[goal setting]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Growth]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Growth mindset]]></category> <category><![CDATA[happiness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[inspiration]]></category> <category><![CDATA[life coaching]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Mindfulness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[motivation]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Personal awareness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Personal development]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Positive thinking]]></category> <category><![CDATA[productivity]]></category> <category><![CDATA[resilience]]></category> <category><![CDATA[self-awareness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-help books]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-improvement]]></category> <category><![CDATA[success]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Therapy]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Well-being]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=5595</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>Are you a lover or hater of self-help books? Join Alicia and me as we explore the pros and cons of the self-help world.</p> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-self-help-conundrum/">The Self-Help Conundrum</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="et_pb_section et_pb_section_0 et_section_regular" > <div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_0"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_0 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_0 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h5><span style="color: #be9727;"><em>CO-WRITTEN BY FRIEDA LEVYCKY, FOUNDER OF <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a style="color: #be9727; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://www.bravingboundaries.com/">BRAVING BOUNDARIES</a></span>, AND ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a style="color: #be9727; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://legalwhizz.wixsite.com/thelegalbelletrist">THE LEGAL BELLETRIST</a></span> </em></span></h5> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;"><br /> Self-help books seem to divide the world into two camps (a bit like Marmite): The lovers and the haters.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I hadn’t realised this until I suggested to Alicia that we write a joint article on the self-help books which have shaped our lives and our careers. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">But I don’t believe in self-help books</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">”, came the response. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Really?</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">”, I asked in surprise.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Nope. It really annoys me that anyone (often with no qualifications whatsoever) thinks its ok to tell you that if you ‘follow my method’ or ‘learn from my experience’ you can be more successful, thinner, happier … you name it.</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">” </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Hmmm… she has a point. But, I think it is a little unfair to smash self-help books as a whole. I personally see a lot of value in them.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, instead of proposing a list of self-help books that have changed our lives, we have decided to provide a narrative on the pros and cons of the self-help world.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We hope you read both sides of the argument and challenge your existing beliefs. Maybe you find that self-help books do have their place and could be beneficial for you? Or maybe you realise that self-help books can only get you so far and that sometimes investing in external support is required. That’s up to you though. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We just hope you enjoy the read. </span></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_1 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong>Self-help books – The non-believers (Alicia’s viewpoint)</strong></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_0"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img fetchpriority="high" decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/Self-help-books-3.jpg" alt="" title="Self help books (3)" class="wp-image-5618" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_2 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><span style="font-weight: 400;">The other day I was browsing in my favourite bookshop. Walking around the store I read title after title and found myself – quite unexpectedly – in the Self-Help section.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Not my usual preference. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">As I stood there looking at the rows of “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">How-To’s”</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> and “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Do-You’s?” </span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">I admit to having a certain degree of curiosity. Enough to find myself picking up one book and reading the back of it. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">To summarise – the book promised to help guide you through “some of your most difficult times and help you find a place of serenity and happiness”. I’m paraphrasing here because it said a lot more than that. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It was a tall undertaking by the author (who shall remain nameless) – all for the nominal price of ZAR680. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">This book promised to do what no other psychiatrist or clinical psychologist would promise (especially in one session and especially to that degree of certainty). And at an absolute bargain – considering that the going rate for a mental health professional has a far heftier price tag. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">That got me thinking – </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">who are the people extracting the most value out of these self-help books? </span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">And</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> how effective are they? </span></i></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">As a non-believer in the self-help movement, I think it’s only fair that I apply some reason and scientific analysis to my approach or face – perhaps – missing out on the greatest invention of all time.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">With the sheer volume of titles on the Self-Help shelves there </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">must be </span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">quite a tally of bodies that flock to the stores, that sign up for the newsletters and that attend the “sold-out” shows of the latest “Guru”.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">If there weren’t, there wouldn’t be a section in any book shop with titles like </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> (which is – as fate would have it – the only somewhat self-help </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">styled</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> book I have ever read. And that’s saying something since it’s touted as the counterintuitive kind). </span></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_3 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong>What are self-help books?</strong></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_4 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Before we get started, it’s worth reminding ourselves what self-help books are. In short, they are books which instruct or give advice on how to improve yourself. This could be physically, mentally, financially, spiritually or otherwise. The idea is that by reading a self-help book you are capable of improving your current position without the need of external resources, advice or support. In other words – </span><span style="font-weight: 400;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">you help yourself</span>.</span></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_5 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong>So, whose reading these books?</strong></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_1"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/BB-Blog-images-Self-help-books-1.jpg" alt="" title="BB - Blog images - Self help books (1)" class="wp-image-5621" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_6 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><span style="font-weight: 400;">According to </span><a href="https://blog.gitnux.com/self-help-industry-statistics/#:~:text=Over%2045%2C300%20new%20self%2Dhelp,how%20to%20improve%20one's%20life." target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Gitnux, “</span></a><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">over 45,300 new self-help books were published in 2020”, </span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">with</span> <a href="https://www.marketwatch.com/press-release/global-self-improvement-products-services-market-2023-2030-estimated-to-reach-worth-usd-5607374-million-growing-at-a-cagr-of-513-2023-04-25" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Marketwatch</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> predicting that the self-help market would reach a total value of “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">USD 56073.74 Million by the End of 2030”</span></i><b>. </b><span style="font-weight: 400;">That’s a compounded annual growth of around 5.13% expected till 2030. The average reader of self-help books buys 3 a year. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Let’s face it, those are not only big figures (backed by sound scientific research) but a rather large readership. </span></p> <p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Am I missing something?</span></i></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I remember the hype that surrounded the launch of </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Secret-Rhonda-Byrne/dp/1582701709" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">The Secret</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> by Rhona Byrne in 2006 – first a movie that “revealed the great mystery of the universe” – and following that (and a little after the release of the movie), a book that became a worldwide bestseller.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Every single – female – member of my family was hooked. Everyone was talking about it. Everyone believed it would turn their humdrum lives into something masterful and full of opportunity. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I had my doubts. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">For starters, The Secret said that the skills learned could be used in </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">“every aspect of your life—money, health, relationships, happiness, and in every interaction, you have in the world. You’ll begin to understand the hidden, untapped power that’s within you, and this revelation can bring joy to every aspect of your life”</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> (</span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Secret-Rhonda-Byrne/dp/1582701709" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Amazon</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">). </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It sounds incredible… Wait just a second. All I have to do is </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">foresee the thing I want to happen, happen? To truly believe it will. And it shall be?</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> It felt far, far too easy. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, there I sat the day before my final exam of my worst subject in University – Economics – and truly believed (and in fact, foresaw) me acing the exam. Achieving an A. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Well, surprise, surprise – that didn’t happen. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I passed that exam by the skin of my teeth actually. I should have spent more time studying than “foreseeing the event happen”. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Perhaps that wasn’t the purpose of The Secret. Perhaps I’m oversimplifying. </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">But that was the value I extracted from it. </span></i></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Which then led me to ask – was it only my female family members that read The Secret – and by extension – all other self-help books? Because I don’t remember my father, my uncles or my (then) boyfriend reading it. Or any other self-help book on the shelves. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The answer to that is funnily enough – yes. Generally speaking. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Turning to </span><a href="https://blog.gitnux.com/self-help-industry-statistics/#:~:text=Women%20make%20up%20the%20majority,this%20when%20marketing%20their%20books." target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Gitnux</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> again – </span></p> <blockquote><p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">“Women make up the majority of self-help book readers, and African Americans have the highest percentage of self-help book buyers. Most self-help book buyers are under 45 years old and purchase books through planned purchases in chain bookstores, online, or through a friend’s recommendation”.</span></i></p></blockquote> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, essentially, an African (American or not) woman under 45, that frequents a bookstore (or shops for titles online) would be the self-help market’s perfect target audience. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Bollocks to that I say. It can’t be. That’s far too general. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So why then is success coach, public speaker, self-help author and actor, </span><a href="https://www.tonyrobbins.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Tony Robbins</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> estimated to have net worth of around $600 Million (</span><a href="https://wealthygorilla.com/tony-robbins-net-worth/" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Wealthy Gorilla</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">)?</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Again, have I missed something?</span></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_7 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong>Do self-help books work?</strong></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_2"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/Self-help-books-1.jpg" alt="" title="Self help books (1)" class="wp-image-5616" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_8 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><span style="font-weight: 400;">The premise of seeking advice from a self-help book is that you do – in fact – need help. Funny that since it’s kind of in the title of the genre. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But the people that need help (and quickly) often turn to the wisdom and knowledge of “mentors” like Robbins (who has made a success of his self-help career), rather than seeking the professional mental health support and care they most probably desperately need. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Sure, reading </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">how to turn your life around in ten easy steps</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> from the women who turned her love for fudge into a word-wide sensation, can give one hope. It makes you see possibilities in the world and in your circumstance that maybe you didn’t see before. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And that’s a great thing if it does.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Technically there isn’t anything wrong, per se, with the advice of the Queen of the Fudge Empire. It </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">can be inspiring</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">. But the problem I have with it is that it’s just her view. It’s just her experience. It doesn’t mean that because you can bake a decent batch of muffins, you will become the Muffin Monarch just because you did what the Fudge Queen told you to do in her book. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And yes, I know that’s not the purpose of the self-help genre. I know that. But I do believe </span><a href="https://medium.com/@crismaximilian?source=post_page-----7737df3aa6e9--------------------------------" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Cristofer Maximilian</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> in his article </span><a href="https://medium.com/@crismaximilian/self-help-books-dont-work-here-s-why-7737df3aa6e9" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Self-Help Books Don’t Work — Here’s Why</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> when he says – </span></p> <blockquote><p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">“While people lose themselves in a sea of advice, suggestions, routines, and “hacks”, they also lose sight of the fact that no amount of information will change this simple fact: </span></i><b><i>in order to succeed or improve in any area of your life, you need to actually do something”</i></b><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">.</span></i></p></blockquote> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And there it is. For me at least. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">You can’t just read the book and expect a miracle. </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">You need to act. You need to want to make the change. You need to put in the work.</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> And that’s where having a professional coach, psychiatrist or psychologist can be far more beneficial. Why? Because they hold you accountable and support you whilst doing so. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When we’re done with the book, most of us put it back on our shelves. Maybe we sign up for the monthly newsletter. Maybe we read it every second month or so. Maybe we even attend a seminar (or webinar) hosted by the author. But are we really implementing the change we need in our lives? Are we really acting on the – well-meaning and well-intended but perhaps not exactly professional – advice of the self-help author?</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The answer is most likely no. Again, generally speaking.</span></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_9 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><b>Reasons why I believe self-help books don’t work</b></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_10 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Author of </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">, </span><a href="https://markmanson.net/self-help" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Mark Manson </span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">sets out five major problems with the self-help industry (that are unlikely to go away). I have (partly) paraphrased for ease of the reading – </span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_1 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_1 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_3"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/1.png" alt="" title="1" class="wp-image-1486" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_2 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_11 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><strong>Self-help reinforces perceptions of inferiority and shame</strong> –<span style="font-weight: 400;"> there are (generally speaking) two types of people who purchase self-help books. Those that feel they can simply improve on their lives with a few little tips and tricks and those that feel that there’s fundamentally something wrong with them. Those that just want to improve themselves will read a self-help book and go “Ok, I can do that” and not feel disparaged by the contents of the book. Those that feel there’s something fundamentally wrong with them will take the content in the book and use it to make themselves feel even worse about themselves. Because “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">the irony here is that the pre-requisite for self-help to be effective is the one crucial thing that self-help cannot actually help: </span></i><a href="http://amzn.to/2BHZotI" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><b><i>accept yourself as a good person who makes mistakes</i></b></a><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">”</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">.</span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_2 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_3 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_4"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/2.png" alt="" title="2" class="wp-image-1487" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_4 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_12 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><strong>Self-help is often yet another form of avoidance</strong><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – if you suffer with anxiety (like I do) reading a self-help book has two consequences. The first is you replace one neuroticism with another one (in other words instead of feeling anxious about performing in my role as a legal practitioner, I start my own baking business and then become worried about not performing there too). And two, reading the book and implementing the thoughts and advice in the book leads to avoiding the issue altogether. The book becomes more important than dealing with the problem. And that’s not self-helping anyone.</span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_3 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_5 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_5"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/3.jpg" alt="" title="3" class="wp-image-1488" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_6 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_13 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><strong>Self-help marketing creates unrealistic expectations</strong><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – The Secret comes to mind here. The incentive for the self-help market is not enforcing real change. Instead, the only thing they need to do is create the perception of change. Real or imagined. You see all these people living their best lives because they did steps 1 – 6 out of XYZ self-help book and you feel let down because it isn’t working for you. That’s setting yourself up to fail. </span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_4 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_7 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_6"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/4.png" alt="" title="4" class="wp-image-1489" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_8 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_14 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><strong>Self-help is (usually) not scientifically validated</strong><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – The fact is</span> <span style="font-weight: 400;">people without qualifications, without degrees and with little real expert knowledge of the human brain, psyche and serious mental health issues often write these novels. I mean what gives them the right to give other people advice? And should people really be listening to them?</span></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_7"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/Self-help-books-2.jpg" alt="" title="Self help books (2)" class="wp-image-5617" /></span> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_5 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_9 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_8"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/5.png" alt="" title="5" class="wp-image-1490" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_10 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_15 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><strong>Self-help is a contradiction</strong><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – self-help amounts to self-improvement. Simple as that. And the purpose of self-improvement is to improve on yourself. To enhance what you already have. Is to accept yourself as is and be happy with that – only needing slight tweaks here and there. The person who has a fundamental problem with who they are is not going to find the help they need. They are looking to replace one aspect of who they are with something else. Something better. That person will never succeed. Instead, they will become bogged down by the </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">“nonsense and pseudo-science and suppress your feelings of inadequacy rather than deal with them head-on”. </span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Again, who is that self-helping?</span><span style="font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: 0.06em;"> </span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_6"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_11 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_16 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><span style="font-weight: 400;">For me, self-help books create more problems for the people who need real help from medical professionals. Reading a book will not result in real change. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And that seems counterintuitive. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But I’m a cynic.</span></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_17 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><b>Self-help books – The believers (Frieda’s viewpoint)</b></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_9"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/BB-Blog-images-Self-help-books.jpg" alt="" title="BB - Blog images - Self help books" class="wp-image-5620" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_18 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Cynical or not, Ali’s viewpoint has its merits. Achieving our goals and dreams requires a lot more than just believing that they are possible. I’d love it if I could think myself to becoming the fastest trail runner on the mountain, but the reality is that if that ever has a chance in hell of happening, I’m going to need to take action. So, Ali and I are in agreement on that point.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I also agree that the motivation driving individuals to pen a self-help book is not selfless. There is undoubtedly a benefit for the author: it forms part of a marketing strategy; they gain recognition as an author; and there is sheer reward and pride in being able to write a book. Gosh, I genuinely hope one day that I find the courage to write my own book.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Selfish or not though, given the effort and time it takes to write a book, I believe that authors of self-help books have a genuine desire to help people. And, even if they are not qualified therapists, people’s stories have the power to provide new perspective and insight, encourage self-reflection and provide a sense of hope. In fact, many psychologists, coaches and therapists often recommend self-help books as a means of developing self-awareness between sessions and helping individuals process issues through the use of stories. It’s called </span><a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/bibliotherapy"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">bibliotherapy</span></i></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">. </span></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_19 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><b>Reasons why I believe there is a place for self-help books</b></h2></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_7 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_12 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_10"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/1.png" alt="" title="1" class="wp-image-1486" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_13 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_20 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><strong>They are affordable </strong><i>– </i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Not everyone can afford therapy or coaching (no matter how much they may need it). It’s the reality of the world we live in. Self-help books provide an accessible and affordable means of gaining insight into issues which individuals are facing. The self-help book genre tackles the full range of topics: from improving self-esteem, coping with stress and developing communication skills to discovering your potential, improving personal relationships and enhancing emotional awareness. Having the ability to read around a topic on which you are struggling and learning from the experience of others is a natural way that humans progress and develop awareness in this world. Why should that be any different merely because it now has the label: “self-help” attached to it.</span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_8 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_14 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_11"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/2.png" alt="" title="2" class="wp-image-1487" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_15 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_21 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>They are relatable</strong> – <span style="font-weight: 400;">Prior to my own therapy back in 2014, a friend recommended I listen to the audiobook: </span><a href="https://brenebrown.com/book/the-power-of-vulnerability/">“<em>The Power of Vulnerability</em>” by Brené Brown</a><span style="font-weight: 400;"></span><span style="font-weight: 400;">. She was concerned about my inability to set boundaries both in my professional and personal life and could see it was affecting my self-esteem. For me, the power of the book was in its relatability. I was able to connect my struggles with self-worth to those reflected in the book which, in turn, encouraged me to question and challenge my beliefs and thus my negative self-talk. It is a book I will always recommend to clients struggling with self-esteem issues. Brene Brown is so relatable and her tone and delivery allow you to shed the layers of embarrassment and shame that is often attached to low self-esteem. Exposure to that book satisfied my need to belong and feel understood and became my first step to seeking the professional help I required.</span></p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_9 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_16 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_12"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/3.jpg" alt="" title="3" class="wp-image-1488" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_17 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_22 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><strong>You gain a sense of autonomy </strong>– <span style="font-weight: 400;">There are two dominant drivers for reaching out for a self-help book: You either want to learn something new or improve the way you are approaching something (a more proactive, enhancing approach) or you are experiencing a crisis and your existing coping mechanisms are no longer stepping up to the task (a more help-seeking approach). In the latter case, everything feels off balance and you often find yourself feeling stuck and incapable of shifting out of the situation. It’s not a fun place to be. Although potentially not a replacement for coaching or therapy, relevant self-help books can help to restore a sense of autonomy and agency.</span> <span style="font-weight: 400;">The action of purchasing and reading a self-help book restores your mobility and gaining a new perspective on the situation acts as a stepping-stone to restoring equilibrium. You are helping yourself.</span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_10 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_18 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_13"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/4.png" alt="" title="4" class="wp-image-1489" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_19 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_23 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><strong>You may not need therapy</strong> <i>– </i><span style="font-weight: 400;">As mentioned above, self-help books are not all about fixing you or helping you cope. There is a whole genre of self-help books which are about skill-enhancement, creating self-awareness and assisting with growth and development. You don’t need a therapist for that! Learning from other people’s experiences and what has worked for them is a great way to add new tools to your own skill set. If I’m a new mum, why wouldn’t I want to learn tips and tricks from mothers who have raised 3 kids? If I’m a workaholic, why wouldn’t I want to hear the story of how a former workaholic managed to flip her life into something a lot more fulfilling and balanced? Sometimes all you want and all you need is a new perspective from someone who has walked a similar path before you. A bit of inspiration. What you do with that information is completely up to you. Some things may work, others may not. But without reading those stories, you may never have discovered those techniques or approaches. Who’s at a loss then?</span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_11 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_20 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_14"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/5.png" alt="" title="5" class="wp-image-1490" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_21 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_24 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>You continue to grow and learn </strong><i>–</i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> One of Ali’s arguments is that self-help amounts to self-improvement. She argues that we should be seeking self-acceptance rather than self-improvement, and self-help books discourage this. I’m all for self-acceptance i.e. fully embracing who you are, without judgement or comparison to others. However, there is an innate </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">need</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> for humans to grow and develop. Take a look a </span><a href="https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-maslow-hierarchy-of-needs">Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs</a> <span style="font-weight: 400;">below:</span></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_15"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="768" height="500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/BB-Blog-images-Maslows-needs.png" alt="" title="Maslow's hierarchy of needs" class="wp-image-5610" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_25 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Once we have satisfied our lower-level needs of safety, security, love and belonging and we’ve reached a stage of healthy self-esteem, we still need purpose. Needs motivate us. Self-help isn’t about self-improvement (i.e. you are not good enough as you are). Self-help is about self-expansion (i.e. acquiring resources, gaining new perspectives, growing).</span></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_12"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_22 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_26 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><b>Conclusion</b></h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Whether you’re a cynic like Alicia, or believer like Frieda, one thing is for sure – there is a huge readership of self-help books. And there’s clearly reason for it.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">As Frieda has highlighted, self-help books do serve a purpose in the therapy/coaching spectrum. They are affordable, accessible, relatable and serve to help individuals address their problems. However, in this “helping” context, we both agree, that they are no substitute for the help of a therapist/coach. If you feel that you really need help, we encourage you to seek the guidance and support of a mental health professional who can support, guide and help you achieve mental wellness. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">On the flip-side, it’s important to remember that self-help books are not all about fixing problems. They exist for self-expansion; to provide inspiration; to generate new ideas; to help you grow. You don’t need a therapist/coach for that. Self-help books – in Frieda’s opinion at least – serve a very valid purpose.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">One final point to make is this. Whatever your views about self-help books, please remember that self-help books are not gospel. They provide the author’s perspective and opinion on a topic which is based on how they see the world and/or how they have analysed data presented to them. It doesn’t mean it’s right. It merely provides a perspective. When reading a self-help book, you therefore have a responsibility to question what you’re reading. Does this apply to me? Do I agree with it? Are my own beliefs and experiences influencing the way I’m interpreting this book?</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We hope this article has given you some food for thought.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">One thing we can both agree on though is this – </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">happy reading (whatever genre of book you choose)!</span></i></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_13"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_23 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_divider et_pb_divider_0 et_pb_divider_position_bottom et_pb_space"><div class="et_pb_divider_internal"></div></div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_14 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_24 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_16"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Alicia-Koch-The-Legal-Belletrist.jpg" alt="" title="Alicia Koch - The Legal Belletrist" class="wp-image-1704" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_25 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_27 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p>About the Co-author, <strong><em>Alicia Koch, Founder of The Legal Belletrist.</em></strong> Alicia, an admitted attorney with over 10 years PQE, and now a legal writer and researcher, has established The Legal Belletrist to assist companies (in different sectors) to write well-researched articles that speak to each company’s core business, enabling growth and commercialism.</p> <p>Click here to visit <a href="https://legalwhizz.wixsite.com/thelegalbelletrist">The Legal Belletrist website</a>. Email: <a href="mailto:[email protected]" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">[email protected]</a> </p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_15"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_26 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_17"> <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/work-with-me/individual-coaching/"><span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="810" height="450" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/Copy-of-linkedin-filler-pictures-7.jpg" alt="" title="Copy of linkedin filler pictures (7)" class="wp-image-5630" /></span></a> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-self-help-conundrum/">The Self-Help Conundrum</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>https://bravingboundaries.com/the-self-help-conundrum/feed/</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>0</slash:comments> </item> <item> <title>What is success?</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/what-is-success/</link> <comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/what-is-success/#respond</comments> <dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Mon, 22 Aug 2022 11:55:50 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Finding direction and purpose]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Lessons Learned]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-care]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-reflection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[work-life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[a successful life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[achieve]]></category> <category><![CDATA[achievement]]></category> <category><![CDATA[achieving]]></category> <category><![CDATA[balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[boundaries]]></category> <category><![CDATA[choose wisely]]></category> <category><![CDATA[corporate life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[expectations]]></category> <category><![CDATA[happiness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[success]]></category> <category><![CDATA[successful]]></category> <category><![CDATA[work life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[work life blend]]></category> <category><![CDATA[your choice]]></category> <category><![CDATA[your life]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=4480</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>Success. How do you define it? By money, power and recognition? Or by free time, balance and happiness? It's your life. You decide.</p> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/what-is-success/">What is success?</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="et_pb_section et_pb_section_1 et_section_regular" > <div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_16"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_27 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_28 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p> <h5 class="wp-block-heading"><em>WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF <a href="https://www.thelegalbelletrist.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">THE LEGAL BELLETRIST</a></em></h5> <p></p> </p> <p>The word “success” is subjective.</p> <p></p> <p>Even if you wonder: “W<em>hat does success mean to me?”,</em> I can almost wager that your definition of success today, is quite different from what it was five years ago.</p> <p></p> <p>Because life changes. And with it, so do our expectations.</p> <p></p> <p>I take myself as an example.</p> <p></p> <p>Success to me, at least five years ago, meant driving a Mercedes-Benz. It meant wearing my Louboutin shoes. It meant being able to flash cash. It meant money. Money that I could do whatever I wanted with.</p> <p></p> <p>That money also came with a title: <em>Head of XYZ Department</em>. Sitting on the Board. It gave me such a thrill to know that I was “powerful”.</p> <p></p> <p>But the truth is, that version of “success”, failed to account for the relationship with my husband or my physical well-being and mental health.</p> <p></p> <p>I had become accustomed to <em>“keep calm and carry on”. </em>I felt like a duck on water – all serene and happy on the outside. Calm with everything seemingly working out just fine. That was the version of me that the world saw. And to everyone – myself included – I was “successful”.</p> <p></p> <p>But underneath the water my feet were paddling <em>ten-to-the-dozen</em>. I was over-stressed, not eating healthily, ignoring all the alarm bells going off in my head. I was at complete odds with what I had come to expect from myself and what I<em> wanted for myself</em>.</p> <p></p> <p>I was immensely unhappy, unhealthy and unsure of exactly what to do about it.</p> <p></p> <p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> </p> <p></p> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><em><strong>Five years on and my definition of success has changed</strong></em></h2> <p></p> <p>Looking back, so much as happened, both good and bad. But the most important thing is this – I know what real success for me is now. And it has nothing to do with money or title.</p> <p></p> <p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> </p> <p></p> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/what-is-success-article-3.jpg"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="768" class="wp-image-4484" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/what-is-success-article-3-1024x768.jpg" alt="" /></a></figure> <p></p> <p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> </p> <p>Sure, having cash to flash is always a good thing BUT (and this is a very big but), if you are sacrificing all the fundamental things like happiness and health for it, the “price-tag” is not worth it.</p> <p></p> <p>And to me, there is no amount of money that is worth my sanity. Or my health. Not anymore anyway.</p> <p></p> <p>For me, five years on (and a lot of work on myself), success is –</p> <p></p> <p></p> <ul class="wp-block-list"> <li>Loving what I do.</li> <li>Living a life that is very-well balanced – I go to the gym; I treat myself to massages and mani and pedi’s and I get to spend quality time with my family without the guilt of “not quite finishing my to-do list”. Don’t get me wrong – finishing what you commit to is important. But knowing when enough is enough for that day is even more so (something I have only recently learnt).</li> <li>Living my life, the way I want to. Forgetting about the expectations that my so-called high-powered position dictated.</li> <li>Going to bed at night not dreading tomorrow. Not worrying about next week. Because I get to say no to the things I don’t want to do and a resounding YES to all the things that I do.</li> <li>Choice and options.</li> <li>Simply being truly, deep-down in your gut, happy.</li> <li>Laughing aloud as often as I can without a care in the world.</li> </ul> <p></p> <p></p> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><em><strong>Success through the eyes of others</strong></em></h2> <p></p> <p>Curious, I asked my husband what he believes success means. His answer, whilst always insightful, was a little surprising. Because it mirrored my own (I guess that’s why we are married).</p> <p></p> <p>His measure of success is broken down into easy-to-understand words (which will often change over time). He chose one word to measure <em>his </em>success. Now. That one word is HAPPINESS. <em>“If I fall asleep every night and my stomach hurts from laughing, then I know it was a successful day”</em>. The parameters that went into that day don’t matter. The only measurement that matters is laughter. Is happiness<em>. That is his success</em>.</p> <p></p> <p>It won’t be the same for everyone. That’s for sure.</p> <p></p> <p></p> <ul class="wp-block-list"> <li>Maybe success to you is the big house, the fancy car, the holiday in France, and your picture in the socials.</li> <li>Maybe it means being able to spend half the day with your kids.</li> <li>Maybe it means being able to take a run in the morning.</li> <li>Maybe it means going fishing with your dad in the afternoon.</li> </ul> <p></p> <p>Because success is (again) subjective. Whatever that measure of <em>“I have made it”</em> (at least at that particular point in your life) means to you, will influence your definition of what being successful means.</p> <p></p> <p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> </p> <p></p> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/what-is-success-article-4.jpg"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="768" class="wp-image-4485" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/what-is-success-article-4-1024x768.jpg" alt="" /></a></figure> <p></p> <p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> </p> <p></p> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><em><strong>What the “experts” say about success</strong></em></h2> <p></p> <p>When we think of success and becoming <em>“whatever we want to become”,</em> some of us will think of the late <a href="https://www.ziglar.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Zig Ziglar</a>. Author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/B006ZG5THW?tag=s7621-20" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Born to Win: Find Your Success Code</a>, Zig Ziglar championed and preached leading a balanced life, staying motivated and ultimately finding success.</p> <p></p> <p>Ziglar argues in Born to Win, that success is not defined by any one thing. It is motivated by and comprised of many different things.</p> <p></p> <p>Mirroring my own belief – <em>success is subjective</em>.</p> <p></p> <p>And in saying that, we can all agree that “success” (despite having a formal definition) is not a one-size-fits-all thing. It will always depend on the individual and the goals and achievements that individual <em>wants</em> for themselves.</p> <p></p> <p>Likewise, motivational speaker, <a href="https://www.tonyrobbins.com/stories/unleash-the-power/success-doesnt-have-to-be-a-secret/">Tony Robbins</a> <a href="text=Tony%20tells%20us%20that%20%E2%80%9CSuccess,as%20your%20purpose%20in%20life." target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">defines success</a> as <em>“doing what you want, when you want, where you want, with whom you want as much as you want. That’s a powerful purpose.”</em></p> <p></p> <p>And <a href="https://www.gatesnotes.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Bill Gates</a> cautions that <em>“success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose”.</em></p> <p></p> <p>As you can see, “success” is kind of a mixed bag! But, in summary, defining success is up to you and it can be achieved by leading a balanced life, doing what you want, when you want and as often as you want. But with caution. Because everyone can make mistakes. Everyone can fail.</p> <p></p> <p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> </p> <p></p> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><em><strong>How do you get to a “place of success”?</strong></em></h2> <p></p> <p>Whilst there are many different definitions and understandings of what success <em>is </em>(and what it is not), during my research, I discovered the following five key steps which I believe are crucial in measuring or finding success –</p> <p></p> <p></p> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-1 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <p></p> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis: 15%;"> <p></p> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/1.png"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="1024" class="wp-image-1486" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/1-1024x1024.png" alt="" /></a></figure> <p></p> </div> <p></p> <p></p> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>Stay true to your core beliefs – </strong><a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/paigearnoffenn/?sh=648d8e0b1bd6" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Paige Arnof-Fenn</a>, Founder & CEO, <a href="http://mavensandmoguls.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Mavens & Moguls</a>, said in an article titled <a href="https://upjourney.com/what-is-success-answers-from-successful-people" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">What Is Success? (Great Answers from 35 Successful People)</a>: <em>“Loyalty is one of my core values—loyalty to self and to others whom I respect. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that for me, relationships matter. Quality encounters matter. Honesty matters. Consistency matters. Authenticity and integrity matter. The experience and the journey matter. Focus on what matters to you and get rid of things that don’t. Taking the clutter out of your mind and your life frees up space for more of what you value”</em>.</p> <p></p> </div> <p></p> </div> <p></p> <p></p> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-2 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <p></p> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis: 15%;"> <p></p> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/2.png"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="1024" class="wp-image-1487" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/2-1024x1024.png" alt="" /></a></figure> <p></p> </div> <p></p> <p></p> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>Do the work – </strong>a personal favourite of mine, <a href="https://www.eddieizzard.com/en" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Eddie Izzard</a>, an English comedian, actor and activist in an article titled <a href="https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/comedian-eddie-izzards-five-top-tips-for-success/article15314106/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Comedian Eddie Izzard’s five top tips for success</a>, listed the Schwarzenegger school of image evolution as a mode to achieve success. On this particular subject, he said the following: <em>“Maybe some people have trouble thinking of me as a politician, which is why I have been focusing on more dramatic work in terms of my acting. Look at Arnold Schwarzenegger: At first, he was a body builder who wanted to be an actor and people weren’t so sure about that, and then he started doing action movies and he did Twins and he started to get better. When he said he wanted to be governor people weren’t so sure, but then he ended up being a pretty good businessman, which made it easier for the public to see him as a politician. He’s not my politics, but he’s a great example of how you can lay the groundwork for the direction you want to go in”.</em></p> <p></p> </div> <p></p> </div> <p></p> <p></p> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-3 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <p></p> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis: 15%;"> <p></p> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/3.jpg"><img decoding="async" class="wp-image-1488" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/3-1024x1024.png" alt="" /></a></figure> <p></p> </div> <p></p> <p></p> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>Learn from mistakes so you don’t repeat them – </strong>Bill Gates in an article titled <a href="https://wealthygorilla.com/bill-gates-success-lessons/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">17 Success Lessons from Bill Gates</a> set out that to achieve success you should not whine about failures, but learn from them instead: “<em>What is the point in blaming other people for your mistakes? Who are you trying to fool? Your mistakes are on you, they are not anyone else’s fault, so stop blaming other people just to try and rid your conscience of guilt. Mistakes are made to be learned from. You now know what or what not to do in the same situation when it rolls around for a second time and believe me, in most cases it will roll around again”.</em></p> <p></p> </div> <p></p> </div> <p></p> <p></p> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-4 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <p></p> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis: 15%;"> <p></p> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/4.png"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" class="wp-image-1489" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/4-1024x1024.png" alt="" /></a></figure> <p></p> </div> <p></p> <p></p> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>Prioritise self-care – </strong>Oprah Winfreystated in a commencement address at Smith College in 2017 that in order to achieve success and “find fulfilment” one needs to prioritise self-care: <em>“If you put yourself last and burn out, you won’t have anything left for others, let alone the goals you’re striving to achieve”.</em></p> <p></p> </div> <p></p> </div> <p></p> <p></p> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-5 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <p></p> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis: 15%;"> <p></p> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/5.png"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="1024" class="wp-image-1490" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/5-1024x1024.png" alt="" /></a></figure> <p></p> </div> <p></p> <p></p> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <p><strong>Success is about the journey, not the destination – </strong><a href="https://profiles.forbes.com/members/tech/profile/David-Gasparyan-President-Phonexa/c8c683a0-8b41-4278-bee7-23ae5775f6e9" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">David Gasparyan</a> founder and President of <a href="https://phonexa.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Phonexa</a> believes it is a more long term thing: “<em>Obviously, we can define success in many ways: by having the love and support of your family, by setting trends in your industry, by building a great company. And I do believe it is important to set goals for your work and personal life and reaching those goals can be viewed as a success. But I believe that ultimately success is more about the journey than the destination. If I am able to wake up every day and put the maximum amount of energy and effort into goals that I believe in, that is success</em>.”</p> <p></p> </div> <p></p> </div> <p></p> <p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> </p> <p></p> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/what-is-success-article-5.jpg"><img decoding="async" class="wp-image-4486" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/what-is-success-article-5-1024x768.jpg" alt="" /></a></figure> <p></p> <p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> </p> <p></p> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><em><strong>What success comes down to really</strong></em></h2> <p></p> <p>Success comes down to defining what it means to you. Simple as that. Because “success” (any measure of it) is entirely dependent on you.</p> <p></p> <p></p> <ul class="wp-block-list"> <li>Stay true to your core beliefs.</li> <li>Do the work to understand what makes you tick.</li> <li>Learn from mistakes (because who wants to repeat them?).</li> <li>Prioritise self-care.</li> <li>Understand that it is a journey.</li> </ul> <p></p> <p>For me, despite failures and misgivings. Despite difficulties. Despite everything to the contrary, this quote by author <a href="https://www.britannica.com/biography/Ralph-Waldo-Emerson" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Ralph Waldo Emerson</a> sums up what success means to me:</p> <p></p> <p>“<em>To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a little bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”</em></p> <p></p> <p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> </p> <p></p> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/BB-Blog-images-What-is-success-1.jpg"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="768" class="wp-image-4497" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/BB-Blog-images-What-is-success-1-1024x768.jpg" alt="" /></a></figure> <p></p> <p></p> <h2 class="wp-block-heading"><em><strong>Getting to success</strong></em></h2> <p></p> <p></p> <ul class="wp-block-list"> <li>Perhaps you follow my husband and choose one word that encapsulates what success – as an overall “thing” – means to you.</li> <li>Perhaps it is about drawing up a road map to get you to a place of achieving a goal.</li> <li>Perhaps it is understanding what your priorities are and then staying true to them (because otherwise what is the point?).</li> <li>Perhaps it involves simply putting yourself first and asking yourself – what do <em>you want</em>?</li> <li>Perhaps it is realising that this is a long-term objective, measuring success objectively as you go through life.</li> </ul> <p></p> <p>There are so many ways to achieve a version of success that fits you – right now – and there is no one way to get there either.</p> <p></p> <p>So, grab a cuppa and a notepad (a pen or pencil too) and jot down the things that matter to you the most, starting with your core values. Work through the things that you have in your life and the things that you want in your life. <em>Imagine the life you want to be living</em>. And then draw a road map on how to get there – realistically.</p> <p></p> <p>If you need help with this, contact <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/work-with-me/individual-coaching/">Braving Boundaries </a>and set up a call with Frieda Levycky who can take you through some practical and actionable steps to get you on a road where you can identify your goals and ultimately achieve success – as <em>defined by you</em>.</p> <p></p> <p>At this point, there may be one nagging thing that is bobbing around inside your head: “W<em>hat about my failures?</em> <em>Where do they fit in?”</em>. We have all failed at something (trust me). But <em><strong>failure doesn’t define you</strong></em>. In our next article we will tackle this small, yet seemingly menacing word – <em>failure</em>.</p> <p></p> <p>We look forward to going through this with you!</p> <p></p> <p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> </p> <p></p> <hr class="wp-block-separator has-text-color has-alpha-channel-opacity has-background is-style-wide" style="background-color: #c69127; color: #c69127;" /> <p></p> <p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> </p> <p> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-6 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Alicia-Koch-The-Legal-Belletrist-1024x1024-1.jpg" alt=""/></figure> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:85%"> <p>About the writer, <strong><em>Alicia Koch, Founder of The Legal Belletrist.</em></strong></p> <p>Alicia, an admitted attorney with over 10 years PQE, and now a legal writer and researcher, has established The Legal Belletrist to assist companies (in different sectors) to write well-researched articles that speak to each company’s core business, enabling growth and commercialism. </p> <p>Click here to visit <a href="https://www.thelegalbelletrist.com/">The Legal Belletrist website</a>.</p> <p><strong>Email: <a href="mailto:[email protected]" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">[email protected]</a> </strong></p> </div> </div> </p> <p> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> </p></div> </div> </div> </div> </div><p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/what-is-success/">What is success?</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>https://bravingboundaries.com/what-is-success/feed/</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>0</slash:comments> </item> </channel> </rss>