<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?><rss version="2.0" xmlns:content="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/content/" xmlns:wfw="http://wellformedweb.org/CommentAPI/" xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/" xmlns:atom="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom" xmlns:sy="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/syndication/" xmlns:slash="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/slash/" > <channel> <title>Coping mechanisms Archives - Braving Boundaries</title> <atom:link href="https://bravingboundaries.com/tag/coping-mechanisms/feed/" rel="self" type="application/rss+xml" /> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/tag/coping-mechanisms/</link> <description>PROFESSIONAL LIFE COACHING & TRAINING</description> <lastBuildDate>Wed, 30 Oct 2024 14:46:49 +0000</lastBuildDate> <language>en-ZA</language> <sy:updatePeriod> hourly </sy:updatePeriod> <sy:updateFrequency> 1 </sy:updateFrequency> <image> <url>https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Asset-1.svg</url> <title>Coping mechanisms Archives - Braving Boundaries</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/tag/coping-mechanisms/</link> <width>32</width> <height>32</height> </image> <item> <title>Living with the Fear of Rejection</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/living-with-the-fear-of-rejection/</link> <comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/living-with-the-fear-of-rejection/#respond</comments> <dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Wed, 30 Oct 2024 14:00:35 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Lessons Learned]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Relationships]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-awareness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-care]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-reflection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Stress & Anxiety]]></category> <category><![CDATA[The Fears series]]></category> <category><![CDATA[anxiety]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Coping mechanisms]]></category> <category><![CDATA[coping with fear]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Coping with rejection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Emotional resilience]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Emotional well-being]]></category> <category><![CDATA[fear]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Fear of Rejection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[fears]]></category> <category><![CDATA[live your life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[managing fear]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Managing rejection anxiety]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Mental health tips]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Mindset and resilience]]></category> <category><![CDATA[overcoming challenges]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Overcoming rejection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[personal growth]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Rejection sensitivity]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-confidence building]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-help strategies]]></category> <category><![CDATA[The Fear Series]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=234920</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/living-with-the-fear-of-rejection/">Living with the Fear of Rejection</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="et_pb_section et_pb_section_0 et_section_regular" > <div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_0"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_0 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_0 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h5><strong><span style="color: #be9727;"><em>WRITTEN BY FRIEDA LEVYCKY, FOUNDER OF <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/" style="color: #be9727; text-decoration: underline;">BRAVING BOUNDARIES</a></span> </em></span></strong></h5> <p><span style="color: #be9727;"></span></p> <p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">This article forms part of “The Fears Series”. With the Fear of Rejection being so prevalent for many people, we’ve written two articles on the topic: one from Frieda’s perspective (Founder of Braving Boundaries) and <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/facing-the-fear-of-rejection/">one from Alicia’s perspective</a> (Founder of the Legal Belletrist). Take a read.</span></i></p> <p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;"></span></i></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I’d love to know what it’s like to live without the fear of rejection. Imagine how freeing that must feel! But for as long as I can remember, this notion of rejection has always been present. It’s almost like a shadow lingering quietly in the background; that familiar sensation that reminds me of the “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">what ifs</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">”.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Fear of rejection isn’t a simple, one-layered issue and it’s not just about the rejection itself. It goes beyond the sting of hearing “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">no</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">” or the awkwardness of being ghosted. It’s the </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">ripple effect</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> we fear. What if that “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">no</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">” says something about me – about my worth, my abilities or even my future?</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">As humans, we have this natural need to belong; to be liked, wanted and accepted. From childhood, we learn the importance of fitting in. It’s so entrenched within us that Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs even allocates a whole level to it! Rejection threatens that. It gnaws away at our sense of belonging and safety.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But where does this fear come from? Well, I think it’s a mix of things: a deep need to feel secure, accepted and valued. When we’re rejected (or think we’re being rejected), it can feel like a blow to our self-worth. It challenges our sense of who we are and, let’s face it, none of us like the idea of being told “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">you’re not enough</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">”. We’ve all felt it at some point … so we all know how painful that feels.</span></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_1 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong>My experience of the fear of rejection</strong></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_0"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img fetchpriority="high" decoding="async" width="1024" height="768" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Rejecting-Bribery-in-an-Envelope-by-89Stocker.png" alt="" title="Rejecting Bribery in an Envelope by 89Stocker" class="wp-image-234956" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_2 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The fear of rejection has held me back at various stages of my life:</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;"></span></p> <ul> <ul> <li><b>Job interviews</b><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – Well, I avoided those like the plague! Putting myself forward and potentially hearing: “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Thanks, but no thanks</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">” was always unsettling. I’m pretty sure that this particular version of my fear of rejection stems from the constant rejection / radio silence I experienced when applying for Summer Internships. I spent hours filling in the forms and I couldn’t help but wonder what the rejection / non-responsiveness said about me. Was I not good enough?<br /></span><span style="font-weight: 400;"><br /></span></li> <li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><b>Asking for a pay rise</b><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – There have been many times where I have avoided having the pay rise conversation arguing that it would be a pointless exercise. But really, I avoided that conversation because I feared hearing the justification for the negative response. Not only would it make me question my value in the workplace, but I also feared being seen as greedy or out of line. It was irrelevant that I also knew that I was only asking for what I deserved. The fear trumped the logic most times.<br /></span><span style="font-weight: 400;"><br /></span></li> <li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><b>Telling people I was a coach</b><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – Yes, Yes, I know! Transitioning from a well-established legal career to a flourishing coaching career felt daunting though. Would people take me seriously? Or would they see me as just another person jumping on the coaching bandwagon? The fear of losing credibility amongst my peers and network – or no longer “belonging” – was very real for me, and it held me back from truly stepping into my identity as a Coach for a good couple of years.</span><span style="font-weight: 400;"></span><span style="font-weight: 400;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: 400;"><br /></span></li> <li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><b>Promoting Braving Boundaries</b><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – SALES! The word still fills me with dread. When it comes to marketing services to corporates, rejection is a given and it comes in many forms: radio silence, vague responses or budget constraints. It requires a thick skin to push on through – perhaps that’s why most new businesses fail within the first 2-4 years of being established. The fear of rejection makes you avoid putting yourself out there; letting people know how you can help them. This, in turn, chips away at your confidence and makes you question your entire business.</span></li> </ul> <li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><b style="font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: 0.06em;">Dating</b><span style="font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: 0.06em;"> – Ah, dating! I’ve lost count of how many times I avoided online dating or being set up by friends simply because the fear of rejection was too overwhelming. The fear of opening up to someone and being natural and vulnerable – i.e. being me – and then being told: “</span><i style="font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: 0.06em;">I just don’t fancy you enough</i><span style="font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: 0.06em;">” or “</span><i style="font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: 0.06em;">I think we should just be friends</i><span style="font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: 0.06em;">” or “</span><i style="font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: 0.06em;">Maybe we could keep things casual</i><span style="font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: 0.06em;">” or “</span><i style="font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: 0.06em;">You’re great, but …</i><span style="font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: 0.06em;">”, hit me right to the core. Vulnerability combined with rejection? No thank you! It’s honestly a miracle I ever got married!</span><span style="font-weight: 400;"></span></li> </ul></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_3 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong>The ripple effect of the fear of rejection</strong></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_1"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1024" height="768" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Sad-woman-suffering-by-bymuratdeniz-from-Getty-Images-Signature.png" alt="" title="Sad woman suffering by bymuratdeniz from Getty Images Signature" class="wp-image-234957" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_4 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The fear of rejection can manifest in different ways for each of us. For some of you, it will stop you entirely while for others, like me, it leads to procrastination and delay. Save in the case of dating, the fear of rejection didn’t stop me from taking action, but it did make me hesitate – whether in job interviews, asking for a pay rise or promoting Braving Boundaries. It made me worry about how rejection would reflect on my abilities, identity and self-worth, and caused me to delay taking the steps I knew I needed to in order to progress.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">For others though, this fear might show up as staying in a comfortable role or relationship to avoid the potential pain of rejection. It might keep someone from sharing their ideas or speaking up – fearing criticism or failure (there is a separate article on that). This fear (while seemingly protective) often holds us back. It keeps us stuck and undermines our confidence. Whether it’s in personal relationships, careers or creative pursuits, the fear of rejection stalls progress. It leaves us questioning our worth and comparing ourselves to those who seem to push through without hesitation.</span></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_5 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong>Overcoming the fear of rejection</strong></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_6 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span style="font-weight: 400;">If the above sounds all too familiar, just know that you are not alone. I’ve set out below some of the tried and tested strategies which have helped me address my fear of rejection over the years (and still help me today):</span></p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_1 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_1 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_2"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/1.png" alt="" title="1" class="wp-image-1486" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_2 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_7 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>Explore where your fear of rejection comes from</strong> <span style="font-weight: 400;">– The fear of rejection often has roots deep in our past. It might stem from a specific incident that knocked your confidence or perhaps it’s been a lifelong struggle to feel accepted. Either way, it’s important to recognise that what we perceive as rejection may not have been rejection at all. It’s simply how we’ve interpreted it. Working with a counsellor can help you explore and, more importantly, reframe that incident. By revisiting it, you might discover that the rejection you’ve carried for so long was more about perception than reality. Seeing it for what it truly was can help you release its grip. Separate your current situation from the past. They are not the same and it’s time to stop letting the past define your present.</span></p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_2 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_3 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_3"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/2.png" alt="" title="2" class="wp-image-1487" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_4 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_8 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>Fact-check your beliefs</strong> <span style="font-weight: 400;">– So often, our fears aren’t grounded in reality. They are beliefs we carry around with us. A great way to check is to ask yourself: “</span><strong><i>What proof do I have that this fear is justified?</i></strong><span style="font-weight: 400;">”. Take, for example, my fear that no one will show up for a workshop. Is there any factual reason to believe that? Have I ever had a workshop where no one signed up? Is there something else occurring on that date which might prevent people from attending? This exercise helps to challenge those beliefs and bring you back to reality. If the response is no – then you’re confirming that your thoughts are fear-driven beliefs and not facts. If the response to any of the questions is yes (i.e. the fear has a factual base), then explore that further – what can be adjusted or done differently? This is a great exercise to work through with a friend/coach/partner. Having someone asking these questions who is not emotionally tied to the outcome, can bring much needed perspective to the situation.</span></p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_3 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_5 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_4"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/3.jpg" alt="" title="3" class="wp-image-1488" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_6 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_9 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>Rejection is just a change in direction.</strong> <span style="font-weight: 400;">Rejection stings – there’s no denying that – but, more often than not, it’s simply redirecting us to where we’re meant to be. What do they say? “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;"><strong>When one door closes another door opens</strong>”</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">. It’s about shifting our perspective from seeing rejection as a final judgment on our worth to seeing it as part of the process. Sometimes a “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">no</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">” is just a way of clearing space for a better “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">yes</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">” down the line. Instead of viewing rejection as the end of the road, try to see it as a detour that’s leading you to an opportunity that you wouldn’t have discovered otherwise.</span></p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_4"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_7 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_5"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1024" height="768" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Changing-business-management-concept.-by-tadamichi-from-Getty-Images.png" alt="" title="Changing business management concept. by tadamichi from Getty Images" class="wp-image-234955" /></span> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_5 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_8 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_6"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/4.png" alt="" title="4" class="wp-image-1489" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_9 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_10 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>Not everyone is your person</strong> <span style="font-weight: 400;">– In life, whether it’s in relationships, job interviews or even friendships, we won’t always be the right fit for everyone. And that’s ok. Just because someone doesn’t choose you (whether personally or professionally), it doesn’t mean you’re not enough. It simply means that what they’re looking for might be different from what you can offer. It’s about finding the people or opportunities that align with who you are, not trying to be something you’re not. The right people will see and appreciate your unique value. Keep putting yourself out there because your people and your opportunities are out there too.</span></p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_6 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_10 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_7"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/5.png" alt="" title="5" class="wp-image-1490" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_11 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_11 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><strong>Celebrate the small wins</strong><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – Let’s face it, overcoming the fear of rejection is no small feat. So, when you do step out of your comfort zone – whether it’s sending that email, asking for that raise or swiping right – celebrate it. Those moments of courage deserve recognition, no matter the outcome.</span></p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_7"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_12 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_12 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong>Final Thoughts</strong></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_13 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The fear of rejection is something many of us carry and it can shape so much of what we do (or don’t do) in life. But it doesn’t have to control us. By understanding where that fear comes from, challenging our beliefs and learning to see rejection as part of the journey, we can begin to move through it. It’s not about eliminating the fear entirely but about learning to live with it in a healthier way. Each small step forward, every risk we take, helps loosen its grip.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Remember, rejection isn’t a reflection of your worth, it’s just a part of life. Each “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">no</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">” can lead you closer to the opportunities, people and experiences that are truly right for you. So be kind to yourself, take those small steps and celebrate each win along the way. You’re braver than you think.</span></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_8"> <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/contact-me/"><span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="810" height="450" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/End-of-blog-post-CTA-image-5.png" alt="" title="End of blog post CTA image (5)" class="wp-image-6274" /></span></a> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/living-with-the-fear-of-rejection/">Living with the Fear of Rejection</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>https://bravingboundaries.com/living-with-the-fear-of-rejection/feed/</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>0</slash:comments> </item> <item> <title>Facing the fear of rejection</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/facing-the-fear-of-rejection/</link> <comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/facing-the-fear-of-rejection/#respond</comments> <dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Wed, 30 Oct 2024 13:45:49 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Lessons Learned]]></category> <category><![CDATA[mental health]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Relationships]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-awareness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-care]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-reflection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Stress & Anxiety]]></category> <category><![CDATA[The Fears series]]></category> <category><![CDATA[anxiety]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Coping mechanisms]]></category> <category><![CDATA[coping with fear]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Coping with rejection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Emotional resilience]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Emotional well-being]]></category> <category><![CDATA[fear]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Fear of Rejection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[fears]]></category> <category><![CDATA[live your life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[managing fear]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Managing rejection anxiety]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Mental health tips]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Mindset and resilience]]></category> <category><![CDATA[overcoming challenges]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Overcoming rejection]]></category> <category><![CDATA[personal growth]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Rejection sensitivity]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-confidence building]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-help strategies]]></category> <category><![CDATA[The Fear Series]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=234937</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/facing-the-fear-of-rejection/">Facing the fear of rejection</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="et_pb_section et_pb_section_1 et_section_regular" > <div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_8"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_13 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_14 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h5><strong><span style="color: #be9727;"><em>WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a style="color: #be9727; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://legalwhizz.wixsite.com/thelegalbelletrist">THE LEGAL BELLETRIST</a></span> </em></span></strong></h5> <p><span style="color: #be9727;"></span></p> <p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">This article forms part of “The Fears Series”. With the Fear of Rejection being so prevalent for many people, we’ve written two articles on the topic: <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/living-with-the-fear-of-rejection/">one from Frieda’s perspective</a> (Founder of Braving Boundaries) and one from Alicia’s perspective (Founder of the Legal Belletrist). Take a read.</span></i></p> <p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;"></span></i></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I was born with rejection as my shroud, and I feel like I’ve worn it ever since.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">My mother was adopted as a baby, and I don’t think she ever forgave the universe for this fact. It’s defined her as a person, just like having red(ish) hair defines me. In a way. It’s as if it’s tattooed on her forehead. Like an expiration date on a milk carton. And for some reason, when I came into the world, I was meant to not only be her redeemer, her saviour but the one she could bat this fact against – as if she was bouncing a ball against a wall, expecting it to come right back to her. Almost like playing fetch.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It was always her and me against the world. And I know how sweet that sounds. Mother and daughter, two peas in a pod. Until it’s not so sweet. Until it really is you and her against everyone. Until you’re made to believe that no one else could ever care about you like she could. Until you’re made to believe that no one else has your best interests at heart. Including your father. Until you’re made to believe that only she will tell you the truth, will help you succeed, will be there for you. Will ever love you. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It’s a lonely place. Your world. Especially when there’s only one other person in it. And she’s sucking all the air out the room. </span></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_15 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong>My experiences with the fear of rejection</strong></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_9"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1250" height="937" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Young-Angry-Emotional-Mother-Screaming-at-Troubled-Teen-Daughter-at-Home-by-dimaberlinphotos.png" alt="" title="Young Angry Emotional Mother Screaming at Troubled Teen Daughter at Home by dimaberlinphotos" class="wp-image-234963" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_16 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Growing up with a mother who is a textbook narcissist and compulsive liar with </span><a href="https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/munchausen-syndrome" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Munchausen syndrome</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> is not for the faint at heart. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When you’re a little girl, especially an only child, you’re so susceptible to the things that your mother says and does – as William Makepeace Thackeray said, </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">“Mother is G-d in the eyes of a child.”</span></i></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">As all my friends went to children’s parties, I would be stuck at home. But my mother would always go – it was the right thing to do. Apparently. I was always “sick in bed” even when I wasn’t. When I asked why I wasn’t invited, my mother told me that the birthday girl/boy didn’t want me there. </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Strike one. </span></i></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When I was 9 it became difficult to hear. I started to sit really close to the TV just so I could read lips. If my head was turned away from you, I probably wouldn’t hear you. It turned out that I needed to wear hearing aids. Well one at least, in my left ear. When I got it, my mother was furious. It cost them a lot of money, money they needed for other things. And I didn’t really need it. I had lied. I was looking for attention. Rich coming from her. What child lies about needing a hearing aid? I was teased horrendously to boot. </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Strike two.</span></i></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When I started to go through puberty, I matured quicker than all the other girls my age. I got a lot of attention from older boys. Before I could even kiss my first boy, my mother scolded me – no one likes a slut – </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">“when you lay down with dogs, you get their fleas”</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">. Then as I got a bit older her friend was the mother of boys my age and she would come home to tell me – all the boys were talking about you today; they say your bum is too big and your hair isn’t straight enough. You know no boy wants to date a fat girl. Confidence blown. </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Strike three. </span></i></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">With my very first boyfriend, who of course she didn’t approve of – he will never treat you right and will never care about you. Not like I do. Turns out he wasn’t the nicest guy. He hit me – always in places no one could see. He tortured me emotionally, cheated on me constantly over the couple of years we were together. And when we broke up, he told me he never loved me. Almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> And you’re outta here……</span></i></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Every exam I ever wrote my mother (and father) would remind me how much money they were spending on me – despite me taking out a student loan so that I could study law – and that failing wasn’t an option because they didn’t have the money to bail me out. Also, they warned – who wants to be with a “failure” a “loser”? </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">The dug out is my home now…. </span></i></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_10"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1250" height="937" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/concept-word-imposter-on-cubes-on-a-blue-background.-by-Eugene-Zvonkov-from-Getty-Images.png" alt="" title="concept word imposter on cubes on a blue background. by Eugene Zvonkov from Getty Images" class="wp-image-234962" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_17 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When I applied to do articles – something you need to do in South Africa, 2 years of training before you can be admitted as an attorney – my parents asked me what I had that would make any of the large law firms take me on? I honestly didn’t have an answer. </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Are there any other baseball references?</span></i></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When I was in a room full of other lawyers, I always felt like there was a sign above my head saying – </span><b><i>imposter here</i></b><span style="font-weight: 400;">. I didn’t belong in the same room as other legal eagles, the ones who had made partner and were driving the new BMW. We had written the same exams, studied the same textbooks and yet I, I don’t know sneaked through the side door when no one was looking. At least, that’s how I felt. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">There are countless more stories. Stories behind the scenes. Stories of – </span><b><i>the world out there will never accept you, but I will – even with all your flaws</i></b><span style="font-weight: 400;">. And boy she was so quick to point out the flaws. In detail. But in front of people, it was – you’re beautiful, you’re perfect, you’re my angel from heaven. I support you. I love you. I am your ever devoted mother. And best friend. So sweet. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But it was all lies. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So many lies it’s hard for the mind to comprehend. In fact, at 42, I have only now discovered the full extent of all the lies and manipulation and deceit. It’s been a long, rocky, heartbreaking road. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">What I can tell you from all of this is – </span><b><i>I have always felt rejected long before anyone even had the chance to actually reject me</i></b><span style="font-weight: 400;">. I expected it. The no’s didn’t surprise me – why would they? The you’re not right for this, not a good fit, it’s not you it’s me – insert rejection here – none of it surprised me. It kind of just went with the narrative– </span><b><i>just like my mother’s biological mother rejected her, the world would reject me. </i></b><span style="font-weight: 400;">Maybe that was my mothers’ intention the whole time. It makes sense. In retrospect.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, when someone </span><b><i>didn’t</i></b> <span style="font-weight: 400;">reject me, it was such a surprise. I often couldn’t believe how lucky I was – even when the person or the position was very wrong for me. This has led to a lifetime of bad relationships, abuse – physical and emotional, poor job choices, abuse at the workplace, always doing more than what I should be doing personally and professionally, always scared of asking for days off or asking for a raise, eating disorders, self-harm and later diagnosis of generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder and depression.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Is it any wonder?</span></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_18 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><strong>Overcoming the fear of rejection</strong></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_11"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1250" height="937" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Asian-small-business-owner-working-at-home-office.-Business-by-Natee-Meepians-Images.png" alt="" title="Asian small business owner working at home office. Business by Natee Meepian's Images" class="wp-image-234961" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_19 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Look, I know this sounds like I’m parent bashing. And I’m sure there will be people saying – </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">how long will she blame her mother for her own failings? </span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Eventually we all have to take responsibility for our own lives, right?</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Right. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, let’s put things into perspective. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It wasn’t all bad. I do have happy memories of my parents. They always went “all out” for my Birthdays. Those were such happy days. And for a while – and despite everything that happened – I was close to them in my 20’s and early 30’s. And that’s what makes “zero contact” so hard. Because I miss them. I miss who </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">I thought they were</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">. And there are times when I feel so lost and so alone that all I want is to contact them. But I can’t. Because they are still who they are. And I am who I am. Or who I am trying to be without them. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Somehow, amidst everything, I managed to find the most amazing man – a gentle, kind, caring, loving man, who treats me like a Queen. And he loves me. More than I ever thought I deserved. We have been together for 16 years and happily married for 12. So, my mother was wrong there. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I have built a business from the ground up, with nothing but an idea . And I have made it work. Not only that, but I get to do something I love every single day.. Again, my mother was wrong there too. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Because when everything else fails and you have no one but yourself to rely on, you step up. You become your own saviour. You pick your own damn self up off the ground and you make it happen. There’s no one else in the world – no matter how much they love you – that can make a success out of your life other than you. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So that’s what I did. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It’s something I have learnt to do. I had to. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I’ve learnt how to make myself shine brighter than the things that my mother said. I’ve learnt to be louder than the deafening silence that is my father sitting idly by. And I’ve learnt to accept that this is my life. No one else’s. And I get to choose how I want to lead it. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, nowadays when I hear a no, I take an unemotional, educated view of why it was a no and learn from it. Take the lesson with me as I move forward. It’s not personal. It’s just a no. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Because no one and nothing will ever again take my power away! For me that is what the fear of rejection is – </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">giving your power away. </span></i></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Look, it’s hard to feel unwanted. It’s even harder to feel like you’re not worthy. But from personal experience I can say this wholeheartedly – </span><b><i>I would rather it be a no and avoid another bad fit than have it be a yes and find myself in another horrible situation. </i></b></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Knowing your true worth – which does take some work, believe me – means knowing that a no, that a perceived rejection, is not necessarily a bad thing. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The are two quotes from two of my heroes that I want to leave you with – </span></p> <blockquote> <p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – Dita Von Teese</span><span style="font-weight: 400;"></span></p> <p><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">“You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.”</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> – Walt Disney</span></p> </blockquote></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_12"> <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/contact-me/"><span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="810" height="450" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/End-of-blog-post-CTA-image-5.png" alt="" title="End of blog post CTA image (5)" class="wp-image-6274" /></span></a> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_9"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_14 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_divider et_pb_divider_0 et_pb_divider_position_bottom et_pb_space"><div class="et_pb_divider_internal"></div></div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_10 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_15 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_13"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Alicia-Koch-The-Legal-Belletrist.jpg" alt="" title="Alicia Koch - The Legal Belletrist" class="wp-image-1704" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_16 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_20 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner">About the Author, <strong><em>Alicia Koch, Founder of The Legal Belletrist.</em></strong> Alicia, an admitted attorney with over 10 years PQE, and now a legal writer and researcher, has established The Legal Belletrist to assist companies (in different sectors) to write well-researched articles that speak to each company’s core business, enabling growth and commercialism.</p> <p>Click here to visit <a href="https://legalwhizz.wixsite.com/thelegalbelletrist">The Legal Belletrist website</a>. <strong>Email: <a href="mailto:[email protected]" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">[email protected]</a> </strong></div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/facing-the-fear-of-rejection/">Facing the fear of rejection</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>https://bravingboundaries.com/facing-the-fear-of-rejection/feed/</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>0</slash:comments> </item> </channel> </rss>