<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?><rss version="2.0" xmlns:content="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/content/" xmlns:wfw="http://wellformedweb.org/CommentAPI/" xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/" xmlns:atom="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom" xmlns:sy="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/syndication/" xmlns:slash="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/slash/" > <channel> <title>Ostracism/bullying Archives - Braving Boundaries</title> <atom:link href="https://bravingboundaries.com/category/ostracism-bullying/feed/" rel="self" type="application/rss+xml" /> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/category/ostracism-bullying/</link> <description>PROFESSIONAL LIFE COACHING & TRAINING</description> <lastBuildDate>Mon, 29 May 2023 12:20:20 +0000</lastBuildDate> <language>en-ZA</language> <sy:updatePeriod> hourly </sy:updatePeriod> <sy:updateFrequency> 1 </sy:updateFrequency> <image> <url>https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Asset-1.svg</url> <title>Ostracism/bullying Archives - Braving Boundaries</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/category/ostracism-bullying/</link> <width>32</width> <height>32</height> </image> <item> <title>Navigating Conflict: Mastering the Art of Picking your Battles & Choosing your Strategy</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/navigating-conflict-mastering-the-art-of-picking-your-battles-choosing-your-strategy/</link> <comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/navigating-conflict-mastering-the-art-of-picking-your-battles-choosing-your-strategy/#respond</comments> <dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Mon, 29 May 2023 11:55:02 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Conflict]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Effective communication]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Ostracism/bullying]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Self-awareness]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Team communication]]></category> <category><![CDATA[choose your battles]]></category> <category><![CDATA[communication]]></category> <category><![CDATA[communication skills]]></category> <category><![CDATA[conflict]]></category> <category><![CDATA[conflict management]]></category> <category><![CDATA[conflict management strategies]]></category> <category><![CDATA[conflict resolution]]></category> <category><![CDATA[conflict styles]]></category> <category><![CDATA[interpersonal communication]]></category> <category><![CDATA[pick your battles]]></category> <category><![CDATA[team dynamics]]></category> <category><![CDATA[toxic work environment]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=5517</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>Gain a greater understanding of your interpersonal conflict style and whether or not it benefits you and those around you.</p> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/navigating-conflict-mastering-the-art-of-picking-your-battles-choosing-your-strategy/">Navigating Conflict: Mastering the Art of Picking your Battles & Choosing your Strategy</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="et_pb_section et_pb_section_0 et_section_regular" > <div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_0"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_0 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_0 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h5><span style="color: #be9727;"><em>WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a style="color: #be9727; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://legalwhizz.wixsite.com/thelegalbelletrist">THE LEGAL BELLETRIST</a></span> </em></span></h5> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">As a “recovering lawyer” I am no stranger to conflict. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I would easily classify myself as someone who doesn’t back away from conflict. Especially when/if I feel cornered. I will fight to the death. Which is kind of unusual since – naturally – when I’m scared, I freeze. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It’s an interesting perspective because the truth is, I never quite know which Gladiator is going to show up to the fight – will it be the Gladiator filled with bravado and confidence, ready to take on any worthy opponent? Strong of mind, of heart and of will (strong in body too. Obviously.). Or is it going to be the Gladiator who hides in the corner, in the form of a ball so small he/she/they didn’t know they could actually fit their bodies into. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I can relate in almost every way to each acute stress response – the fight, the flight, the freeze and the fawn (</span><a href="https://www.simplypsychology.org/fight-flight-freeze-fawn.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Simply Psychology</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;">). I fight when needed, I flee when something just doesn’t feel necessary, I freeze when I’m petrified – playing dead essentially – and in instances where I just know that I’m overpowered, where I cannot win, where placating is better, I become the fawn. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">You see, I have had to learn how to “pick my battles” over the years. As can be expected, the fights or the conflicts I “lose” leave me feeling insecure, heartbroken, confused, lacking in confidence, and neglecting my self-worth.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And the biggest lesson for me, hasn’t just been my own reaction to conflict but learning – often through practical experience – </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">how to approach conflict</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">. How to “fight” in a way that doesn’t end with me in tears. </span> <span style="font-weight: 400;">Which battles to pick – which ones to fight, which ones to walk away from. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Because truthfully, I’m kind of soft. </span></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_0"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img fetchpriority="high" decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/navigating-conflict-3.jpg" alt="" title="navigating conflict (3)" class="wp-image-5528" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_1 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><b>Interpersonal Conflict: Picking your battles </b></h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">In every single human relationship, you are generally going to find different conflict styles. Something Frieda spoke about in her article </span><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/embracing-conflict-5-benefits-of-rocking-the-boat/" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><b><i>Embracing conflict: 5 benefits of rocking the boat</i></b></a><b><i>.</i></b> <span style="font-weight: 400;">There is –</span></p> <ul> <li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><span style="font-weight: 400;">the </span><b><i>reactive approach</i></b><span style="font-weight: 400;"> (a person who is more passionate and reactive when faced with conflict and often seeks to provoke a similar response in others), </span></li> <li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><span style="font-weight: 400;">the </span><b><i>positive outlook approach</i></b><span style="font-weight: 400;"> (a person who avoids conflict or escapes the impact of the conflict by looking for a ‘silver lining’), and </span></li> <li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><span style="font-weight: 400;">the practical </span><b><i>competency approach</i></b><span style="font-weight: 400;"> (the person who focuses on putting personal feelings aside and seeks to address the situation as quickly as possible). </span></li> </ul> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I can say with absolute certainty that I have had a reactive approach, a positive outlook approach and a competency approach at some point or another throughout my life. Sometimes during the same conflictual situation, whether that be in some of my closest (but all very different) personal relationships, or in my professional career where I have tried to avoid conflict altogether. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And they have all been massive learning experiences for me. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">While personal to me, I am happy to share my thoughts on each with you.</span> </p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_2 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h3><b>Example 1: Romantic Conflict </b></h3></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_1"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/navigating-conflict-1.jpg" alt="" title="navigating conflict (1)" class="wp-image-5530" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_3 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span style="font-weight: 400;">When I first met my boyfriend (now husband), we had very different fighting styles. I would be all “</span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">let’s sort our issues out straight away, let’s clear the air and let’s find a silver lining</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">”. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So – if we are being technical here – sort of a mix of the positive outlook and competency approach in conflict styles. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I didn’t believe in leaving things unsaid (especially right in the beginning of our relationship) and letting feelings “fester” like an open, untreated wound. Talk it out and let’s move on was what I thought. My husband on the other hand was very much an avoider. He would give me the silent treatment for a couple of days while he worked through his feelings. Eventually coming back to sort the situation out later. Once things had “simmered down”, as he liked to say. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The problem with this? At this point – for me at least – the open wound had become so festered that it was now boiling. I would let my famous temper get the better of me and I would explode. Using language often “fit for a sailor”, I would move to Defcon 1 extremely quickly whereafter blurting out things I didn’t mean to say inevitably ensued. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, I guess I would then turn a volatile shade of reactive. Again, if we are being technical. </span><span style="font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: 0.06em;">I felt unheard, unseen, uncared for and disrespected. When all my husband was trying to do was prevent a full-scale war from breaking out. Funny how the opposite is actually the result. </span><span style="font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: 0.06em;"> </span></p> <p><span style="font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: 0.06em;">Our fights would escalate at this point. I couldn’t see reason anymore and my once level-headed, fair partner would rise to the occasion, becoming reactive too. It was a boiling pot waiting to explode. And certainly not what two people who love one another should do.</span></p> <h3></h3> <h3><b>Lessons Learned:</b><span style="font-weight: 400;"> </span></h3> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, we decided that for the better of our relationship (and now our marriage) we would need to learn how to fight with one another. How to approach conflict. We learnt to talk things through as quickly as possible (even if one of us needed 5 – 10 mins to “simmer down”), finding our way to building a bridge back to one another. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It took some work, and it took effort from both of us. </span><span style="font-weight: 400;">But now almost 15 years later, we have found how important </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">building the bridge is</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;">. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It was that or giving up on one another. And I kind of love him. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So….</span> <span style="font-weight: 400;">Now we both feel heard, feel seen, our feelings feel cared about and for. And the respect – well without it, what kind of relationship do you have?</span> </p> <p><b>Questions to consider here: </b></p> <p><b></b></p> <ul> <li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">What do I really want to achieve from this conflict? Is it the principle or am I really hurt?</span></i></li> </ul> <ul> <li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Do I really care about this person? Do I want to preserve the relationship? Or am I happy to kick them to the curb? </span></i></li> </ul> <ul> <li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Is it better to go our separate ways? If not, what can we do to better the situation?</span></i></li> </ul> <h2></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_4 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><b>Example 2: Friendship Conflict</b></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_2"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/navigating-conflict-2.jpg" alt="" title="navigating conflict (2)" class="wp-image-5529" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_5 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I said right at the start that I am no stranger to conflict. I’m not afraid to stand up for what I believe, what I think, what I know to be true and fair. But it sometimes takes a while for me to get there. Unless of course, it deserves immediate retaliation. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I tend to bottle up what I’m feeling. I store it all away for a later date. Not on purpose. It’s just how I am. My father use to call me a “dinky bottle”. You know, like the miniature bottle of champagne? Because I was small, but I would keep quiet, not say anything until one day I would just pop. Like a champagne bottle. And while that sounds cute. It really isn’t the case. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I have a tendency to bite my tongue. Perhaps in an effort to avoid conflict with those I care about. It makes me feel self-sufficient. Feeling like the “bigger person”. Letting it go, turning the other cheek and all that… </span> <span style="font-weight: 400;">But then it takes something small, something probably not meant to be insulting, and I lose it. I explode like a bottle of champagne. Every little thing that that particular person had ever done to me or said about or to me comes pouring out. I let them “have it”. I don’t hold back, and I literally release everything I have been bottling up. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">This has had two endings. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The first, the person is taken aback but is sorry for what they have done. We discuss my feelings, their feelings and find a way to reach a happy conclusion to the conflict. Moving forward, more in sync and in a better place. A good result.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The second, the person is so taken aback that they flee for their lives. Never to be heard from again. Friendships have ended. Relationships have ended. And all because we couldn’t find our way to a place of understanding and peace. There are a few political relationships like this too if you think about it. Not the desired result. Bad for all intents and purposes. </span></p> <h3></h3> <h3><b>Lessons Learned:</b></h3> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So, avoiding conflict, bottling up how we feel in an effort to save the other party from pain, is honestly a dodgy approach to trying to handle conflict. Because it’s kind of like taking a 50/50 chance.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It can either create the catalyst needed to sort out the situation (especially if you’ve been bottling emotions up) or it can destroy any hope of resolution because – how do you come back from that really? How do you come back after facing conflict from someone who has seemingly avoided it for years? The behaviour that has suddenly been pointed out as wrong was accepted before. So why is how I behave now not acceptable? </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It can be a bit of a shock to the system. And sometimes the other person simply cannot see their fault and instead feels attacked for no reason. </span></p> <p><b>Questions to consider here:</b></p> <p><b> </b></p> <ul> <li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">What is the purpose of this conflict – what do I really hope to gain?</span></i></li> </ul> <ul> <li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Do I care enough about this person/people to find a solution to the problem? Or is it only the inheritance I’m after (kidding)?</span></i></li> </ul> <ul> <li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Or do I just want to prove a point (because I’ve had enough of “unacceptable” behaviour)?</span></i></li> </ul> <h2></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_6 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><b>Example 3: Work Conflict</b></h2></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_3"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="2000" height="1500" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/BB-Blog-images-Navigating-Conflict-1.png" alt="" title="BB - Blog images - Navigating Conflict (1)" class="wp-image-5550" /></span> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_7 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I have always been vocal about my experiences within the legal profession. They haven’t all been good. Which is why I often refer to myself – tongue in cheek – as a “recovering lawyer”. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I know in the beginning I said that I’m not afraid of conflict. Or to stand up for what I believe in. I do believe that. But the problem with this is, in just about every legal role I’ve had over the years, I have seemingly fled away from conflict. Or I have tried to placate the person I am in conflict with – whatever I need to say to make the situation go away. To “save” myself. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">These are not healthy reactions. I’m aware.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I have always been too scared to say what I think or what I feel about something because, for the most part at least, I have always been shot down. Or criticised. Told I’m not good enough. I even had someone tell me to go back to law school, all because I believed there was another way to solve a problem. It was different from their view. </span></p> <h3></h3> <h3><b>Lessons learned:</b></h3> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Each time I have remained silent for fear of ridicule or abuse or each time I have placated the person who is towering over me with their domineering stance and death stare, I have hacked away at a piece of me. Of who I am. Of what I believe in. Of what I want. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">I have let myself down. So many times. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But there does come a point when you are so tired of being ridiculed or made to feel small, so many times that you take the abuse, that you just want it to stop. So, you keep quiet, you avoid eye contact. You agree, you put others at ease. Just so you can be left alone. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">And the only thing not saying something or trying to ease the situation did for me professionally was to ruin my self-confidence and self-belief. I became worn out, burnt out and too scared to say anything. I was a wreck. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Therefore, despite the negative side of it, when it’s called for, taking a more “aggressive” stance, practicing the reactive approach can be very transformative. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It’s important to stand up for what is important to you – which should include your self-worth. I wonder what would’ve happened if I had stood up for myself. Would anything have changed? I will never know because I was never able to stand up and find out. </span> <span style="font-weight: 400;">And that’s a real shame. </span></p> <p><b>Questions to consider here: </b></p> <p><b> </b></p> <ul> <li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">Will speaking up really get me fired or will it merely raise an alternative viewpoint?</span></i></li> </ul> <ul> <li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">What’s the worst outcome if I engage in conflict (especially when murder is off the table)?</span></i></li> </ul> <ul> <li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">If I do get fired, is that necessarily a bad thing? It may help me find my purpose in life … and do I really want to work with people who behave like that?</span></i></li> </ul></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_1 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_8 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><b>Conflict: Choosing your strategy</b></h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">As you can tell from the above, conflict is an inevitable part of human interaction, present in both personal and professional relationships. Or certainly in mine anyway. </span><b><i>How</i></b><span style="font-weight: 400;"> we handle conflict can significantly impact the outcomes we foresee and the quality of our relationships in the long run. Whilst it may be tempting to engage in every battle that comes our way – Gladiator at the ready – strategically considering the outcome we are looking to achieve may help us decide on the most appropriate course of action – for that situation at least. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Ultimately, our goals will dictate which strategy we adopt. </span> <span style="font-weight: 400;">In his book: <em>The </em></span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;"><em>Interpersonal Communication Book</em><sup>1</sup></span><span style="font-weight: 400;">, Joseph DeVito identifies a variety of conflict management strategies. Consider which strategies you have previously adopted. Have those strategies benefited you? If not, consider what alternative strategies could be adopted in the future:</span></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_4"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="800" height="4760" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/Conflict-Management-Strategy-1.png" alt="Conflict Management Strategies Infographic" title="Conflict Management Strategies" class="wp-image-5525" /></span> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_2"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_2 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_9 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><h2><b>Conclusion</b></h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">We all have our default strategies, but understanding these strategies, their pros, and cons, and being aware of the things that could potentially influence/trigger us, could influence the strategy we choose to take for a particular situation. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">For example, if you’re in a negotiation and want to close the deal as soon as possible, you’re more likely to seek a Win-Win strategy (i.e., compromise) rather than go for an all-out screaming match or stomp off out of the room mid-negotiation (I’ve seen this happen)! Twice! Bizarrely, it worked on one occasion but not in the other.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">In our interpersonal relationships we should seek to engage in active fighting, talking and support and enhance our partner’s self-image and worth. Avoiding the conflict, forcing an opinion on your partner, demanding time, and attacking their worth are sure fire ways to see an end to a relationship – whether romantic or platonic. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">There may not be an absolute ideal way to handle conflict in </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">every</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> situation. Sure, we can learn from mistakes, we can try to turn a negative into a positive, we can see conflict as a path to change and renewal. Those things are absolutely possible. And true. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But find your bridges. Find your way towards building a happier, better relationship where both parties feel heard, seen, and respected. Look towards what you want for your future.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Conflict in life, even in general, is inevitable. You will need to face it at some point. But </span><i><span style="font-weight: 400;">how you do so,</span></i><span style="font-weight: 400;"> in each situation you find yourself in, is key.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">If you need help figuring out what your conflict style is or how you can improve on your approach to conflict, especially with your significant other or other important people in your life, </span><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/contact-me/"><span style="font-weight: 400;">get in touch</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> with Frieda Levycky of </span><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Braving Boundaries</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> who can support you as you go through this process. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">(I’ll be setting up a call as soon as I finish this article….)</span> </p> <p><em><span style="font-weight: 400;"><sup></sup></span></em></p> <p><em><span style="font-weight: 400;"><sup>1</sup> The Interpersonal Communication Book, Joseph DeVito, 15th Edition, Pearson </span></em></p></div> </div><div class="et_pb_module et_pb_divider et_pb_divider_0 et_pb_divider_position_bottom et_pb_space"><div class="et_pb_divider_internal"></div></div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_3 et_pb_gutters1"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_1_4 et_pb_column_3 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_5"> <span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img decoding="async" width="1080" height="1080" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Alicia-Koch-The-Legal-Belletrist.jpg" alt="" title="Alicia Koch - The Legal Belletrist" class="wp-image-1704" /></span> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_3_4 et_pb_column_4 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_10 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light"> <div class="et_pb_text_inner"><p>About the Author, <strong><em>Alicia Koch, Founder of The Legal Belletrist.</em></strong> Alicia, an admitted attorney with over 10 years PQE, and now a legal writer and researcher, has established The Legal Belletrist to assist companies (in different sectors) to write well-researched articles that speak to each company’s core business, enabling growth and commercialism.</p> <p>Click here to visit <a href="https://legalwhizz.wixsite.com/thelegalbelletrist">The Legal Belletrist website</a>. <strong>Email: <a href="mailto:[email protected]" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">[email protected]</a> </strong></p></div> </div> </div> </div><div class="et_pb_row et_pb_row_4"> <div class="et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_5 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child"> <div class="et_pb_module et_pb_image et_pb_image_6"> <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/book-a-call/"><span class="et_pb_image_wrap "><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="810" height="450" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/conflict-CTA.jpg" alt="" title="conflict CTA" class="wp-image-5510" /></span></a> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/navigating-conflict-mastering-the-art-of-picking-your-battles-choosing-your-strategy/">Navigating Conflict: Mastering the Art of Picking your Battles & Choosing your Strategy</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>https://bravingboundaries.com/navigating-conflict-mastering-the-art-of-picking-your-battles-choosing-your-strategy/feed/</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>0</slash:comments> </item> <item> <title>Workplace Ostracism: Tackling the silent office bully</title> <link>https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-ostracism-addressing-the-intangible-office-bully/</link> <comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-ostracism-addressing-the-intangible-office-bully/#comments</comments> <dc:creator><![CDATA[@dmin2019]]></dc:creator> <pubDate>Mon, 27 Apr 2020 20:14:00 +0000</pubDate> <category><![CDATA[Category]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Ostracism/bullying]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Working environment]]></category> <category><![CDATA[attorney life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[attorneys]]></category> <category><![CDATA[braving boundaries]]></category> <category><![CDATA[bullying]]></category> <category><![CDATA[cold shoulder]]></category> <category><![CDATA[exclusion]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law]]></category> <category><![CDATA[law life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyer life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[lawyers]]></category> <category><![CDATA[legal life]]></category> <category><![CDATA[life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[life coaching]]></category> <category><![CDATA[ostracism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[stay connected]]></category> <category><![CDATA[work life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[work-life balance]]></category> <category><![CDATA[workplace ostracism]]></category> <guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=435</guid> <description><![CDATA[<p>Ostracism (or exclusion) is recognised as a form of bullying / harassment in the workplace. So why is this toxic behaviour still so prevalent in the legal world? And why is it so difficult to do anything about it?</p> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-ostracism-addressing-the-intangible-office-bully/">Workplace Ostracism: Tackling the silent office bully</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[ <h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="introduction"><mark style="background-color:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);color:#c69229" class="has-inline-color">Introduction:</mark></h2> <p>Cast your minds back to your days as a child. Lunchtime has arrived and you merrily make your way out into the playground (skipping rope in hand) to play with your friends. You see them over in the far corner, chatting and laughing away, so make your way over. Only, when you arrive, the conversation stops. There is a coldness in the air, but you bravely ask them what they were talking about. “<em>Nothing important</em>” says one of the children. Silence again. “<em>Anyone fancy jumping rope?</em>” you ask more timidly. Silence. There is a clear sense that you are not welcome. So, awkwardly, you walk away: <strong>confused</strong>, <strong>sad </strong>and <strong>alone</strong>.</p> <p class="has-text-align-left has-text-color" style="color:#c69229"><strong>If only that type of behaviour stopped in the playground. </strong></p> <p>Unfortunately, ostracism (also referred to as: social isolation, abandonment, social death, being shunned, social exclusion, and “being out of the loop”) is as common a phenomenon in the workplace as it is in the school yard. So much so, that it is recognised and identified, more often than not, as a form of bullying / harassment under most corporate anti-bullying policies.</p> <p>We all claim to be against bullying, and yet I still hear accounts from clients and friends who have suffered from social exclusion at work and the impact that this has had on their emotional, physical and mental health. In fact, I hear more complaints about ostracism than I do harassment.</p> <p><em><strong>“So why is this toxic behaviour still so prevalent in the business world? And why is it so difficult to do anything about it?”</strong></em></p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="has-text-color wp-block-heading" id="what-is-workplace-ostracism" style="color:#c69229"><mark style="background-color:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);color:#c69229" class="has-inline-color">What is workplace ostracism?</mark></h2> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="691" height="480" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Workplace-Ostracism-Tackling-the-silent-office-bully-1.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-2981"/></figure> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <p>Workplace ostracism occurs when: “<em>an individual or a group [the ostraciser] neglects to take actions that engage another organisational member [the victim] when it would be customary or appropriate to do so</em>”.</p> <p>Unlike harassment which requires direct engagement between the bully and the victim (e.g. harming, demeaning, belittling, causing personal humiliation), the primary objective of the ostraciser is to disengage with the victim; to <strong>disconnect</strong>, <strong>isolate </strong>and <strong>not involve</strong>.</p> <p></p> <p>Some examples are as follows:</p> <ul class="arrows wp-block-list"><li>Being ignored or avoided at work</li><li>Being excluded from conversations</li><li>Suffering the silent treatment</li><li>Involuntarily sitting alone in a seminar</li><li>Noticing others avoiding eye contact with you at work</li><li>Not being invited to work events / coffee breaks</li><li>Ignoring or failing to respond to your emails</li><li>Paying little attention to / interest in your opinion</li><li>Excluding you from important work activities or meetings</li><li>Keeping information from you that you should have known</li></ul> <p>This <em>omission</em> of behaviour is what makes ostracism such a difficult phenomenon to address. First, there is a dearth of physical evidence of the behaviour. And, secondly, finding an excuse for such behaviour is easy:</p> <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>“<em>It wasn’t intentional, it was an oversight on my part. I didn’t mean to exclude her from the email.</em>”</li><li>“<em>Oh, you should have said. I didn’t realise you wanted to come for coffee.</em>”</li><li>“<em>I was silent because I’m busy and coping with a lot right now. He shouldn’t take it personally. I didn’t mean to cause any harm.”</em></li><li>“<em>I didn’t mean anything by it…Gosh, how could she think that of me?</em>”</li></ul> <p>You get the picture!</p> <p>It is the indirect nature of the treatment, and the ease with which the perpetrator can justify their behaviour, which inhibits employees reporting the treatment.</p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="has-text-color wp-block-heading" id="my-story" style="color:#c69229"><mark style="background-color:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);color:#c69229" class="has-inline-color">My story</mark></h2> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/Ostracism-in-the-workplace-pullquote.jpg"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/Ostracism-in-the-workplace-pullquote-1024x672.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-4275"/></a></figure> <p>For someone who thrives off connection and has an intrinsic need to please people, being excluded was one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. I’ve experienced ostracism twice in my career. The first from a superior. The second from a peer group. For the purpose of this article, I’ll focus on the first instance and describe some of the behaviour which I experienced.</p> <p></p> <p>Following a fun and busy weekend, I walked into the office on the Monday to be greeted with silence from my superior. I hadn’t really noticed it at first, but soon I realised that they were engaging with everyone else in the office except for me. Every time I tried to speak to them, eye contact was avoided, or a meeting magically appeared that they would need to attend. </p> <p>Eventually, after three days of silence, I had the courage to ask for a meeting to discuss the situation. After some resistance, the meeting was held which I thought resolved the issue. But, a few days later, the behaviour re-started just in other forms: Barbeques were held to which I was no longer invited; friendships were formed with my closest friends in the office; my opinion was no longer sought; coffee breaks were held without me. I felt like a pariah! </p> <p>I tried to work harder to regain favour. I tried to ignore it. I tried speaking to my friends outside of the office to try to understand what I’d done to deserve this punishment. </p> <p>The situation continued on and off for six months. I spoke informally to the HR team (who I trusted), but every time I tried to describe the behaviour and the impact it was having on me, I felt so pathetic. The things I was complaining about sounded so childish. I was upset because I wasn’t invited to a party. I was hurt because my opinion was never asked for anymore. I was sad because they wouldn’t talk to me.</p> <p>But it was this daily occurrence of repeated exclusion that took its toll. I felt like I was walking on eggshells every time I walked into the office. It was a consistent reminder that I wasn’t wanted, I wasn’t liked and I didn’t belong.</p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="has-text-color wp-block-heading" id="why-is-ostracism-so-damaging" style="color:#c69229"><mark style="background-color:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);color:#c69229" class="has-inline-color">Why is ostracism so damaging?</mark></h2> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/Man-excluded-from-social-gathering-1024x672.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-4276"/></figure> <p>Every human being has a fundamental need for connection. That need to belong – to have a sense that one is valued and accepted by others – may be the most fundamental social need humans have. When you deprive someone of that greater social need, it can have a knock-on effect on their health, their levels of stress and their emotional and psychological well-being.</p> <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>Ostracism directly effects an individual’s self-worth and belief in their own likeability and capability.</li><li>Research has shown that ostracism can cause hurt feelings, sadness, anxiety, loneliness and shame.</li><li>Ostracism can either trigger a reluctance to work or a reduction in effort at work or result in the complete opposite: a need to over-perform and engage in collective tasks in the work environment, in order to find social inclusion again.</li><li>Ostracism makes you feel that there is no way out of the situation (other than to leave your job).</li></ul> <p>And yet still, despite the effects being more damaging than harassment, ostracism is still seen as less reprehensible (and therefore less serious) than negative engagement.</p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="why-do-people-resort-to-ostracism"><mark style="background-color:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);color:#c69229" class="has-inline-color">Why do people resort to ostracism?</mark></h2> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="691" height="480" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Workplace-Ostracism-Tackling-the-silent-office-bully3.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-2983"/></figure> <p>The focus of this article is punitive ostracism where an individual or group intentionally exclude an individual. It should be noted that ostracism (exclusion) is not always initiated with bad intent. For example, an individual may be excluded from a meeting because they do not have the requisite authority to be invited (role-prescribed ostracism). An individual may ignore someone because they are genuinely preoccupied with something else (not ostracism).</p> <p><strong>Research indicates that ostracism is used to manage perceived threats to an individual’s or a group’s well-being.</strong></p> <p>Consider the situations where you have experienced an individual being shunned in the workplace. How were they perceived to threaten the ostracizer?</p> <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>Did they threaten the status quo of the team?</li><li>Were they awkward, foreign, different somehow?</li><li>Were they ambitious and therefore threaten a team member’s position?</li><li>Were they popular?</li><li>Were they highly skilled?</li><li>Did they operate on a different set of values to the team?</li></ul> <p><strong>Whatever the motivation, ostracism sought to remove power from that individual (the perceived threat) so that the ostracizer could retain some semblance of control.</strong></p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <h2 class="has-text-color wp-block-heading" id="so-what-can-you-do-if-you-find-yourself-being-ostracized" style="color:#c69229"><mark style="background-color:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);color:#c69229" class="has-inline-color">So, what can you do if you find yourself being ostracized?</mark></h2> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-1 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter size-thumbnail"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/1.png"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="150" height="150" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/1-150x150.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1486"/></a></figure></div> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:66.66%"> <p><strong><mark style="background-color:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);color: #c69229;" class="has-inline-color">Examine the situation</mark></strong> – Can you identify the reasons why you think you may be being excluded? E.g. do you come across as quite negative? Can you be quite over-bearing in meetings? This is not a justification for the ostracism, but consider whether there is anything that you can do to try and improve the situation.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-2 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter size-thumbnail"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/2.png"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="150" height="150" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/2-150x150.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1487"/></a></figure></div> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:66.66%"> <p><strong><mark style="background-color:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);color: #c69229;" class="has-inline-color"><strong><mark style="background-color:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);color: #c69229;" class="has-inline-color">Look after yourself</mark></strong></mark></strong><mark style="background-color:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);color: #c69229;" class="has-inline-color"></mark>– If the exclusion continues, it will affect your mental, physical and emotional well-being. Whilst you struggle to work out your next steps, try to leave the ostracism in the office. The best thing you can do is keep yourself fit and healthy and happy outside of the office. Hang out with your friends, be with your family, exercise, stay positive.<a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/product/deluxe-gift-box/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"> Find time to look after and care for yourself.</a></p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-3 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter size-thumbnail"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/3.jpg"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/3-150x150.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1488"/></a></figure></div> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:66.66%"> <p></p> <p><strong><mark style="background-color:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);color: #c69229;" class="has-inline-color">Keep a record of the behaviour</mark></strong> – As we have discussed, proving ostracism is incredibly hard, but if you need to address this formally, having a record of repeated instances when you have experienced the behaviour will help.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-4 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter size-thumbnail"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/4.png"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="150" height="150" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/4-150x150.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1489"/></a></figure></div> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:66.66%"> <p><strong><mark style="background-color:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);color: #c69229;" class="has-inline-color"><strong><mark style="background-color:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);color: #c69229;" class="has-inline-color">Speak to someone you trust outside of the office</mark></strong></mark></strong><mark style="background-color:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);color: #c69229;" class="has-inline-color"></mark> – Given the impact that social exclusion has on our mental state, it is <u><strong>vital</strong></u> that you talk to someone about what you are experiencing. Whether that be a friend, a coach, a parent, a counsellor – choose someone who is objective, who you trust and who will provide the support you need.</p> </div> </div> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-5 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:15%"> <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter size-thumbnail"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/5.png"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="150" height="150" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/5-150x150.png" alt="" class="wp-image-1490"/></a></figure></div> </div> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow" style="flex-basis:66.66%"> <p><strong><mark style="background-color:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);color: #c69229;" class="has-inline-color"><strong>Speak to Human Resources (HR)</strong></mark></strong> – If the behaviour continues, your first port of call is HR (assuming one exists). You can request that an informal conversation be held under the strictest of confidence. Explore your options. Review your anti-bullying and harassment policy. Understand how this will be handled and the possible outcomes. Consider whether you wish to address this on a formal level.</p> </div> </div> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <p><em>If you are currently experiencing ostracism in the workplace (whether directly or indirectly) and need someone to talk to, then why don’t you <a style="color: #c69229; text-decoration: none;" href="https://bravingboundaries.com/contact-me/"><span class="has-inline-color">drop me a message</span></a> and we can arrange a one-on-one coaching session.</em></p> <p><strong><span style="color:#c69229" class="has-inline-color">Please don’t struggle alone.</span></strong></p> <div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <figure class="wp-block-image size-full"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/product/deluxe-gift-box/"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="790" height="170" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/BB-THIN-GIFT-BANNER.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-4289"/></a></figure> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/book-a-call/"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="810" height="450" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/struggling-in-the-workplace-CTA.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-2690"/></a></figure> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <hr class="wp-block-separator has-text-color has-background has-very-light-gray-background-color has-very-light-gray-color is-style-wide"/> <div style="height:50px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div> <p><strong>References:</strong></p> <p style="font-size:11px"><a href="https://www.sauder.ubc.ca/sites/default/files/2019-07/Oreilly%20et%20al%20Org%20Sci.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">O’Reilly, J., Robinson, S. L., Berdahl, J. L., & Banki, S. (2014). Is negative attention better than no attention? The comparative effects of ostracism and harassment at work. Organization Science</a></p> <p style="font-size:11px"><a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1948550612443386" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Wesselmann, Eric, Wirth, James, Pryor, John, Reeder, Glenn, Williams, Kipling (2013). When Do We Ostracize? Social Psychological and Personality Science</a></p> <p style="font-size:11px"><a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/326595876_Ostracism_in_the_Workplace" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Gamian-Wilk, Malgorzata, Madeja-Bien, Kamila (2018). Ostracism in the Workplace</a></p> <p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-ostracism-addressing-the-intangible-office-bully/">Workplace Ostracism: Tackling the silent office bully</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-ostracism-addressing-the-intangible-office-bully/feed/</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>26</slash:comments> </item> </channel> </rss>