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<title>Comfort over coffee Archives - Braving Boundaries</title>
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<title>Dealing with Grief & Loss</title>
<link>https://bravingboundaries.com/dealing-with-grief-loss/</link>
<comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/dealing-with-grief-loss/#respond</comments>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Tue, 07 Jun 2022 12:32:09 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Comfort over coffee]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Relationships]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Self-care]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[alone]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[anxiety]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[bereavement]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[bravery]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[courage]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[death]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[depression]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[grief]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[grieving]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[heartache]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[heartbreak]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[isolation]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[loss]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[missing someone]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[not alone]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[regret]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[sadness]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[worry]]></category>
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<description><![CDATA[<p>This blog post is a little different to our usual posts. At various points in our lives, we will be faced with the loss of a loved one: a close friend, family member, pet, parent or child. The last two years, particularly, have been full of grief and loss.  Alicia, my friend and co-writer, recently […]</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/dealing-with-grief-loss/">Dealing with Grief & Loss</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
]]></description>
<content:encoded><![CDATA[
<p class="has-text-color" style="color:#c69223"><em>This blog post is a little different to our usual posts. At various points in our lives, we will be faced with the loss of a loved one: a close friend, family member, pet, parent or child. The last two years, particularly, have been full of grief and loss. </em></p>
<p class="has-text-color" style="color:#c69223"><em>Alicia, my friend and co-writer, recently lost her granny and wrote this beautiful piece as a way to help process her feelings and emotions. It’s raw. It’s heartfelt. It’s deeply personal. But, perhaps it will provide many of you who are struggling with grief and loss at present a chance to feel understood.</em></p>
<p class="has-text-color" style="color:#c69223"><em>Frieda</em>, <em>Founder of Braving Boundaries</em></p>
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<h3 class="has-black-color has-text-color wp-block-heading">Dealing with Grief & Loss</h3>
<h5 class="wp-block-heading"><em>WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF <a href="https://www.thelegalbelletrist.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">THE LEGAL BELLETRIST</a></em></h5>
<p></p>
<p>Death and grief are close first cousins. </p>
<p>Meet the one and you are sure (to one day) meet the other – they are related after all.</p>
<p>But it’s funny, even though you (half, kinda, but don’t wanna) expect their arrival, the wave of emotions they bring with them hits you like a brick across the forehead. Ouch! </p>
<p>It’s almost as if they arrived, unannounced and unwelcome, had a huge party at your expense and vacated your home staggering after all their festivities. While you were left to clean up their mess. </p>
<p>Death and grief are “people” we have all come across at some point in our lives. None of us are exempt and one day Death and Grief will wreak their infamous havoc on those you yourself leave behind. </p>
<p>And it’s in that thought that I began to wonder. As I watched my grandmother folded into the earth, I looked upon the faces of those who were family. Generations. I looked at my uncle with his daughters and grandchildren and saw the relief that they brought him. He had others. </p>
<p>Watching my own mother, she seemingly seemed smaller and more alone than my uncle. Or at least more alone and smaller than before. I sadly realised that it was her and I. That’s all. And that fact aches. Deep inside of me. </p>
<p>You see my grandmother came from a long line of women – only children (in most cases)- given the second name Rosa. My grandmother was Elizabeth Rosa. My mother (and then I) broke the tradition of a long line of Rosas (or roses depending on how you see it). Granny didn’t mind – being a breaker of tradition and societal expectation herself. Everyone forges their own paths (at least that’s what she said). </p>
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<figure class="wp-block-image size-full"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/Dealing-with-grief-and-loss-1.jpg"><img fetchpriority="high" decoding="async" width="768" height="250" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/Dealing-with-grief-and-loss-1.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-4393"/></a></figure>
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<p>But it is this moment – while I am still spending time with Grief – that I have found the hardest to overcome. </p>
<p>Grief, as it happens, likes to bring along bedfellows. Friends and deviants. No wonder your home is left in such a mess once they are done. Friends like Regret, Remorse, Longing and Worry. </p>
<p>My lucky day – they have all arrived. </p>
<p>As I sit – huddled in the corner – shielding my eyes from the obscenity they are prone to creating – I feel tears roll down my face. </p>
<p>I have tried to hold them back – she led a life well lived after all (and all that) – but these tears have a mind of their own. </p>
<p>Two women with no Rosa’s in their names. Two women who have their own demons to face. And my mom who has no one writing her “thinking of you Granny” cards. My cats don’t have the best penmanship. </p>
<p>The circle of life, undoubtedly, brings you to these points. Not by chance. They bring you to these points to deal. And so many old wounds have been reopened. </p>
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<figure class="wp-block-image size-full"><a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/Dealing-with-grief-and-loss-4.jpg"><img decoding="async" width="768" height="250" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/Dealing-with-grief-and-loss-4.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-4394"/></a></figure>
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<p>Grief and all his mates are funny that way. Parting gifts, I suppose. Death, like Elvis, has long since left the building, having partied himself out days ago. </p>
<p>But he “hung around” (like seriously hung around) taking stock and taking notes. I made the same ones. I think. </p>
<p>And in my little corner where Grief has fixated his eyes on me – I remember. I regret. I wonder. I hurt. I want. I grieve. </p>
<p>But I am reminded that Grief and his friends have other homes to visit – places where they will wreak even more havoc than they have here. I was only a first stop. On borrowed time it would seem. Because, I realise this is only second hand grief. Like a pity visit. Funny, coming from Grief himself.</p>
<p>Belonging to my mother and my uncle more so than I. Happening to visit me instead. Or at least at first. </p>
<p>Like a cat, I remain in my corner licking my wounds reminding myself – that it will all be ok. In the end. </p>
<p>But wounds take some time to heal. Especially the infected ones. And I have so many that are. </p>
<p>Did I mention Loss? </p>
<p>She is Death and Grief’s second cousin twice removed. Again – family matters. </p>
<p>Loss attaches herself to many things and to many situations. Loss of a loved one – that’s obvious. But loss of so many other things too. </p>
<p>Grief and his pals are taking their leave – hurrying on to the next home (how do their livers cope) but Loss has made herself quite at home. It seems. Unexpectedly. </p>
<p>I didn’t even have time to change the sheets. </p>
<p>And it’s at this juncture that I wonder, quite seriously, what we shall have for tea? </p>
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<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img decoding="async" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Alicia-Koch-The-Legal-Belletrist-1024x1024-1.jpg" alt=""/></figure>
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<p>About the writer, <strong><em>Alicia Koch, Founder of The Legal Belletrist.</em></strong></p>
<p>Alicia, an admitted attorney with over 10 years PQE, and now a legal writer and researcher, has established The Legal Belletrist to assist companies (in different sectors) to write well-researched articles that speak to each company’s core business, enabling growth and commercialism. </p>
<p>Click here to visit <a href="https://www.thelegalbelletrist.com/">The Legal Belletrist website</a>.</p>
<p><strong>Email: <a href="mailto:[email protected]" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">[email protected]</a> </strong></p>
</div>
</div>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/dealing-with-grief-loss/">Dealing with Grief & Loss</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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</item>
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<title>Braving Boundaries – Slotting life’s puzzle into place</title>
<link>https://bravingboundaries.com/braving-boundaries-slotting-lifes-puzzle-into-place/</link>
<comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/braving-boundaries-slotting-lifes-puzzle-into-place/#respond</comments>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Wed, 24 Nov 2021 11:10:52 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Comfort over coffee]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Finding direction and purpose]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Lessons Learned]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[mental health]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Motivation]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Self-care]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Self-reflection]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[work-life balance]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[anxiety]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[attorney life]]></category>
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<category><![CDATA[big law life]]></category>
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<category><![CDATA[braving boundaries]]></category>
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<category><![CDATA[change]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[changing life course]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[feeling lost]]></category>
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<category><![CDATA[finding direction]]></category>
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<category><![CDATA[life is a puzzle]]></category>
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<category><![CDATA[lost]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[overwhelmed]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[professional]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[professionals]]></category>
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<category><![CDATA[struggling]]></category>
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=3645</guid>
<description><![CDATA[<p>Life is a puzzle: sometimes easy, sometimes hard. Are you ready to brave your boundaries and slot those pieces into their rightful place?</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/braving-boundaries-slotting-lifes-puzzle-into-place/">Braving Boundaries – Slotting life’s puzzle into place</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
]]></description>
<content:encoded><![CDATA[
<p><strong>Life has been compared to many things. A book with chapters that close behind us as others open. A mountain: hard to climb, but worth the view. There’s even Forrest Gump and his well-known “life is like a box of chocolates” analogy. </strong></p>
<p><strong>For me though, life is like a puzzle.</strong></p>
<p>One of those big puzzles with thousands of pieces of featureless forest or open sky. And to make things harder, you’ve lost the lid of the box and have no idea what you’re building.</p>
<div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div>
<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>THE EARLY YEARS</strong></h2>
<p>Unsure of what we’re building, we start off with the easiest part—the border—setting up the boundaries of this as-yet-unknown picture. School. Higher education. Our first job. Our first relationship. This is a time in our lives when the world has seemingly limitless opportunities, and we confidently slot in piece after piece, full of enthusiasm as we look forward to figuring out where we’re headed.</p>
<figure class="wp-block-image size-full"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="800" height="600" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/life-is-a-puzzle-1.jpg" alt="Braving Boundaries – Slotting life’s puzzle into place" class="wp-image-3654"/></figure>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>REALITY SETS IN</strong></h2>
<p>But what do we do once that border is complete and, faced with all those endless pieces of non-descript forest, our enthusiasm and progress begin to wane? When life becomes an endless cycle of rinse and repeat: get up, work all day, gym, come home, eat, TV, sleep…what then? </p>
<p>Maybe you choose to walk away from the puzzle, leaving it unfinished, and just accept that this is your life.</p>
<p>Or you start working on completing small sections within the bigger puzzle. Perhaps you get lucky and find a piece that unlocks a new section of the puzzle, when life serves up a new opportunity. The chance to move abroad. A new job offer. A new relationship.</p>
<p>And so you start building these sections, adding piece after piece until your progress dwindles again. That new opportunity that had seemed to hold such promise isn’t the puzzle-unlocking key you thought it was. </p>
<p>Like all experiences in life, it has a place in your puzzle, and is necessary to complete the whole picture of your life, but it’s in the wrong place. You’re left with a section that, while complete in itself, just won’t click into other sections to form a bigger picture. </p>
<figure class="wp-block-image size-full"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="800" height="600" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/life-is-a-puzzle2.jpg" alt="Braving Boundaries – Slotting life’s puzzle into place" class="wp-image-3655"/></figure>
<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>BRAVING BOUNDARIES</strong></h2>
<p>At this point, we find ourselves at the proverbial fork in the road. If we want to make progress on our life puzzle, we have to choose one of two paths.</p>
<ol class="wp-block-list"><li>We can force this section into the puzzle, wanting so badly for it to fit that we jam it in, ignoring the niggling feeling that it’s <strong><em>just not right</em></strong>. We’re so focused on keeping those ill-fitting pieces in place, that we ignore all the other pieces—the other aspects of our lives—that are waiting to be developed.</li></ol>
<ol class="wp-block-list" start="2"><li>Or we find the courage to go back and take another look at those pieces. </li></ol>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong>BRAVING CHANGE</strong></h2>
<p>Change is never easy, especially when it requires us to revisit our past choices. </p>
<p>It takes courage to acknowledge that something is wrong in our lives. </p>
<p>It requires trust that we’ll be able to find the correct place to replace that wrongly positioned piece, giving it the correct importance in our lives. </p>
<p>It needs a willingness to go back and switch out the mismatched pieces, making changes where needed.</p>
<p>It also means dealing with the discomfort that comes from turning our attention to something new as we work on a new section of the puzzle.</p>
<p>While change isn’t easy, it’s often necessary, or you’ll be left with a mountain of unplaced pieces and the sinking feeling that maybe you’ll never be able to complete your life puzzle. </p>
<p>If that’s how you’re feeling, as if your life is a jumbled-up puzzle with no hope of ever being completed, then know that it doesn’t have to be like this. You can make a change. </p>
<p>All it takes is for you to be brave enough to take that first step.</p>
<div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter size-full"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="800" height="600" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/life-is-a-puzzle3.jpg" alt="Braving Boundaries – Slotting life’s puzzle into place" class="wp-image-3656"/></figure></div>
<div style="height:30px" aria-hidden="true" class="wp-block-spacer"></div>
<div class="wp-block-buttons is-content-justification-center is-layout-flex wp-block-buttons-is-layout-flex">
<div class="wp-block-button is-style-fill"><a class="wp-block-button__link has-white-color has-black-background-color has-text-color has-background no-border-radius" href="https://bravingboundaries.com/work-with-me/individual-coaching/">BE BRAVE. TAKE THAT FIRST STEP NOW.</a></div>
</div>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/braving-boundaries-slotting-lifes-puzzle-into-place/">Braving Boundaries – Slotting life’s puzzle into place</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<title>I’m a grown up! – And still being bullied….</title>
<link>https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-bullying/</link>
<comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-bullying/#respond</comments>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Tue, 22 Jun 2021 09:48:54 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Comfort over coffee]]></category>
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<category><![CDATA[bullied adults]]></category>
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<category><![CDATA[executive coaching]]></category>
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<guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=2993</guid>
<description><![CDATA[<p>Bullying is not OK. In any situation. No matter the environment. Or your age. And it has no place in a business that wants to be successful.</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-bullying/">I’m a grown up! – And still being bullied….</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
]]></description>
<content:encoded><![CDATA[
<h5 class="wp-block-heading"><em>WRITTEN BY ALICIA KOCH, FOUNDER OF <a href="https://www.thelegalbelletrist.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">THE LEGAL BELLETRIST</a></em></h5>
<p></p>
<p><em>Linked article: <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-ostracism-addressing-the-intangible-office-bully/">Workplace Ostracism: Tackling the silent office bully</a></em></p>
<p>When I think back to my school days, I recall kids taunting other kids because they had braces or freckles or perhaps their skirts were too long. But I recall, quite traumatically, how I was teased. Relentlessly. All because I wore a hearing-aid in one ear.</p>
<p>Kids thought that meant I had a mental disorder. That I was in some way mentally slower than them. Not that I couldn’t hear. It was cruel. I wasn’t invited to play with others, I was ostracized and made to feel ashamed. Like there was something inherently wrong with me. So much so that I refused to wear my hearing-aid going into High School, rather relying on lip reading.</p>
<p><em>Something I still do to this day. </em>The coping mechanism just stuck with me.</p>
<p>But that was on the playground. And I had hoped it would stay there.</p>
<p>But it didn’t. It just happened differently as I got older.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>Bullied adults</em></strong></h2>
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<p>Before adults think that they are immune to being bullied and that bullying is simply <em>“part of being a child”</em>, think again. Because it extends to the workplace too.</p>
<p>According to a 2017 survey by the <a href="https://www.uwsp.edu/conted/Documents/FOCUS/C5 and E2 See handout_workplace bullying stats.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Workplace Bullying Institute</a>, 38% of Americans are bullied or witness bullying, 61% of Americans are aware of abusive conduct in the workplace and 60.4 million Americans are affected by it.</p>
<p>And those are staggering numbers.</p>
<p>According to <a href="https://www.acas.org.uk/if-youre-treated-unfairly-at-work/being-bullied" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">ACAS</a> in the UK, workplace bullying is behaviour from a person or group of people that is unwanted and makes you feel uncomfortable. It is harmful, often targeted behaviour that may be spiteful, offensive, mocking, intimidating or ostracizing. It can also be in the form of verbal, physical, social or psychological abuse.</p>
<p>At a high level, the effects of bullying can be anxiety, depression, low self-worth, feeling intimidated, having low morale, feeling hopeless and stressed out. In addition, bullying can affect the business: resulting in poor work performance, high levels of sick leave, valuable employees leaving the business, and a hostile environment that can trickle down the ranks of the workplace becoming obvious to customers and business associates alike. The result? A detrimental impact to their brand and business reputation.</p>
<p>But it extends beyond that too.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>The wider implications of bullying</em></strong></h2>
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<p>In an article titled <a href="https://www.thehrdirector.com/features/health-and-wellbeing/bullying-is-systemic-in-the-workplace-despite-working-from-home/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Bullying is systemic, even working from home</a>, bullying in the workplace is identified as a systemic problem related to <strong><em>the actions and reactions of an organisation</em></strong> (which is often deep rooted in the core of a business). It also affects the individuals involved, as well as all those who witness the behaviour – the so-called “bystanders”.</p>
<p>Whilst bystanders may be willing to actively help and support the target, it is more often than not very difficult for them to stand up against the bully. Often they themselves fear retaliation from the bully, may fear losing their own job or may believe that they do not have enough “organisational authority” to intervene.</p>
<p>In some other instances, the bystander might either ignore the bullying or frame it as “normal behaviour”, especially when it is recurrent within the organisation without consequences or without the perpetrator being held accountable.</p>
<p>Importantly, the organisation’s response or lack of response to bullying in the workplace is critical.<strong><em> Where there is no accountability for bullying in an organisation, it can quickly become an entrenched problem.</em></strong> And when this happens, there are ramifications not only for the employees but the business’s bottom line – <em>unhappy staff are not productive staff.</em></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>Cyber-Bullying</em></strong></h2>
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<p>With COVID (and the resulting lockdown), there is an increase in remote working blurring the lines between work and home life. As a result, digital bullying and discrimination (aka cyber bullying) has become a major challenge. Workplace bullying is now happening from afar – leaving no visible scars, going unreported and, as a result, not showing up in statistics.</p>
<p>Even worse is the fact that bullies can reach their victims at all times of the day due to the increased use of and reliance on technology to communicate. Seemingly expecting employees to now be available 24/7.</p>
<p>According to the article <a href="https://www.kingsleynapley.co.uk/insights/blogs/employment-law-blog/cyber-bullying-in-the-workplace-during-remote-working" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Cyber bullying in the workplace during remote working</a>, examples of cyber bullying include –</p>
<p><em>“frequent interruptions during virtual meetings, unkind emails and repeated and excessive emails from managers. Some employees may “hide behind their screens” and not uphold the usual standards expected of them”.</em></p>
<p>The situation of workplace bullying is at an all-time high and is a dire situation that needs to be addressed. Concerning is the fact that with most incidents going unreported, the only solution for some victims is to simply leave their jobs.</p>
<p>But it is important to note that whether an employee feels excluded or otherwise bullied by colleagues, it does not matter whether that behaviour takes place electronically or in person.</p>
<p>The emotional turmoil to the victim and risk to the business remains the same.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><span style="color:#c69229" class="has-inline-color"><strong><em>Bullying –</em> <em>This </em></strong></span><em><strong>is not a “sticks and stones” situation</strong></em></h2>
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<p>Whilst we already know that workplace bullying can take many forms including verbal abuse, offensive behaviours, unjustified criticism, singling someone out for the wrong reasons, excluding employees, or embarrassing or humiliating them. There are others too.</p>
<p>Let’s unpack this a little –</p>
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<p><strong>Verbal bullying</strong> – this could include mockery, humiliation, jokes at another’s expense, gossip, or other spoken abuse like <em>calling someone worthless or insinuating that they are not worth their pay, even telling them to go back to law school just because they disagreed with the decision of the CEO (</em>happened to me);</p>
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<p><strong>Intimidation </strong>– this could include threats, work sabotage and interference, stealing or taking credit for ideas; spying, or other invasions of privacy. Anything to make you feel “small” and insignificant;</p>
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<p><strong>Social exclusion in the workplace</strong> like cold-shouldering or ostracizing (something we discussed in our article <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-ostracism-addressing-the-intangible-office-bully/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Workplace Ostracism: Tackling The Silent Office Bully</a>) can leave you feeling like you are not liked, trusted or respected by your colleagues. And this affects your confidence, taking an emotional toll on you and how you see yourself fitting within an organization,</p>
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<p><strong>Passive aggressive behaviour</strong> – when a colleague or manager harbours negative feelings towards you but expresses them indirectly. In other words, <em>they don’t say what they mean</em>. They may be angry, jealous, or upset, but they mask their emotions through <em>indirect hostility</em>. And this can make you feel confused. Bewildered even. Almost like you are going insane because the “bully” hasn’t actually said what they mean – it’s all done through intonation! <em>Did they say what they mean or do I need to read between the lines?</em></p>
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<p><strong>Unjustified criticism</strong> – this could include wrongful blame, harsh and undue criticism without a reason as to why;</p>
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<p><strong>Unwarranted retaliation</strong> – sometimes just talking about the bullying can lead to accusations of lying, further exclusion, refused promotions, or being excluded from important work meetings or emails, and</p>
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<p><strong>Institutional bullying</strong> – this is when a workplace accepts, allows, and even encourages bullying to take place. This bullying might include <em>unrealistic performance goals, expected and unrealistic overtime, or singling out those who can’t keep up</em> <em>(not worth their salaries)</em> –<strong><em>But how do you *really* know if you are being bullied?</em></strong></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>But how do you *really* know if you are being bullied?</em></strong></h2>
<p>Again, this is not a <em>“sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me</em>” situation.</p>
<p>When made to feel like a social pariah, you start to wonder whether being bullied is <em>your own fault</em>. Whether you deserve it. Whether you imagined it. Especially when the bullying has been consistent and subtle over a sustained period. You might start to doubt your own sanity or convince yourself that the behaviour is actually OK. That it is warranted.</p>
<p>Maybe you are told to <em>“grow thicker skin”</em> that these actions are entirely normal and that <em>“you are too sensitive”</em> (again, this happened to me). Continuous doubt creeps in.</p>
<p><em>Is it actually you? Your fault? </em>The answer to that is simple:<em> <strong>NO!</strong></em></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><em><strong><span style="color:#c69229" class="has-inline-color">Here are some examples of actions that could amount to bullying:</span></strong></em></h2>
<p>1. You may become completely ostracized. Co-workers might become quiet or leave the room when you walk in or they might simply ignore you</p>
<p>2. You might be intentionally left out of office culture, such as chitchat, parties, or team lunches</p>
<p>3. Your supervisor or manager might check on you very often or ask you to meet multiple times a week without a clear reason as to why</p>
<p>4. You may be asked to do new tasks or tasks outside your typical duties or outside your skill set without training or help (even when you request it)</p>
<p>5. It may seem like your work is frequently monitored, to the point where you begin to doubt yourself and start to experience difficulty when trying to undertake your regular tasks</p>
<p>6. You might be asked to do difficult or seemingly pointless tasks and be ridiculed or criticised when you can’t get them done</p>
<p>7. You may notice a pattern of your documents, files, other work-related items, or personal belongings going missing</p>
<p>8. You may be ridiculed, told you cannot handle your work, need more training but then not told why</p>
<p>9. You could be purposely misled about work duties, like incorrect deadlines or unclear directions</p>
<p>10. There could be continued denial of requests for time off without an appropriate or valid reason why</p>
<p>11. You could experience threats to your personal standing – for example, nasty comments about your physical appearance or personality</p>
<p>12. You could also be told not to bill working hours, so that someone more senior than you can take the rewards</p>
<p>13. You could be the victim of targeted practical jokes.</p>
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<p>These incidents may seem random at first. But if they continue, you may worry something you did caused them and fear you will be fired or demoted. Thinking about work, even on your time off, may cause anxiety, fear and stress. Affecting your health physically, emotionally and mentally.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>Bullying in the legal profession</em></strong></h2>
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<p>Unfortunately, the legal profession is not immune to bullying.</p>
<p>In the article <a href="https://www.lawsociety.ie/gazette/in-depth/bullying-in-the-workplace/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Make it stop</a> by the Law Society Gazette in Ireland, the following was set out –</p>
<p><em>“research has shown that legal professionals who generate high profits for firms are sometimes tolerated, despite their bullying behaviour, displaying immunity from firms’ anti-bullying policies. This feeds in, significantly, to organisational culture and is noticed and felt by employees at all levels in the workplace”.</em></p>
<p>In fact, the <a href="https://www.ibanet.org/article/09C3DA0E-723F-4E21-9A7E-AA0DFF1FB627" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">International Bar Association (IBA)</a> has published the initial results of a global evaluation (the “<strong>survey</strong>”) into the wellbeing of the legal profession. This survey undertaken from July 2020–December 2020, garnered responses from more than three thousand individuals and over 80 legal organisations, including bar associations, law societies, in-house legal departments and law firms.</p>
<p>The survey confirmed that lawyer wellbeing is a cause for global concern –</p>
<p><em>“The wellbeing index scores gathered from the survey data (based on the World Health Organisation’s WHO-5 indexing methodology) demonstrate that lawyers’ levels of wellbeing are below the global average in every regional forum. Although they may differ in manifestation, no one jurisdiction has a monopoly on these issues</em></p>
<p><em>Stigma is a major problem: 41 per cent of respondents said that they could not discuss wellbeing issues with their employer without worrying that it would damage their career or livelihoods</em></p>
<p><em>Awareness about local and international wellbeing support and services available is low, and, in many jurisdictions, wellbeing support or services do not currently exist: 22 per cent of respondents said that no wellbeing help, guidance or support was in place in their jurisdiction</em></p>
<p><em>A large disparity between the number of institutions that say they have wellbeing initiatives in place (73 per cent), and the extent to which those in managerial positions are offered any sort of wellbeing training (16 per cent).</em></p>
<p><em>Findings show that experiences of bullying are widespread in the legal profession, with half of the women and a third of men reporting experiences of bullying victimisation. In 57% of cases, the bullying episodes were not reported by the targets”.</em></p>
<p>There is clearly (and still) a crisis in terms of mental wellbeing in the legal community. Globally.</p>
<p>One surprising finding from the <a href="https://www.ibanet.org/article/09C3DA0E-723F-4E21-9A7E-AA0DFF1FB627" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">IBA survey</a> however, is the fact that the majority of legal participants in the survey have found healthy coping strategies (compared to previous years), including meditation, yoga and a healthy diet, as opposed to the use of alcohol or recreational drugs as a means of coping.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>So what is the solution to workplace bullying?</em></strong></h2>
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<p>Bullying can have significant and serious effects on physical, emotional and mental health. So, whilst leaving your job or changing departments could end the bullying, this isn’t always possible. Or the correct solution. Because the actual impact of being bullied can last long after it has stopped.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, there is not a one-size-fits-all approach here. Often each individual may require their own set of coping mechanisms and remedial actions.</p>
<p>BUT the following can be considered as starting points (at least) –</p>
<p>1. <strong>Try your best not to react emotionally</strong> – bullies take pleasure in emotionally manipulating their victims. Try responding instead. Responding is different to reacting. When you respond you have prepared for the outcome in advance. So, begin with the end in mind. What outcomes would you like to see?</p>
<p>2. <strong>Evaluate the situation objectively</strong> – properly evaluate the situation objectively to see if the situation is actually bullying (remember proper constructive criticism is not bullying)</p>
<p>3. <strong>Know your workplace policies</strong> – Be aware of your rights and your workplace bullying policy. Familiarise yourself with the reporting procedure and follow it if needed</p>
<p>4. <strong>Know your legal rights</strong> – Do your own research. Learn about inappropriate behavior and any <a href="https://www.werksmans.com/legal-updates-and-opinions/workplace-bullying-remedies-and-recourse-in-south-african-law/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">legislation</a> that may be of assistance. The more you know, the better your chances of successfully dealing with the situation are</p>
<p>5. <strong>Document your situation thoroughly –</strong> Start collecting as much evidence as you can. This includes keeping a dairy of events to help paint a clear picture of what’s been happening. If you need to recall particular events, having a reliable record will add credibility to your claim of bullying. If you have one and they are approachable (and presuming they are not the bully), go and talk to your HR manager</p>
<p>6. <strong>Seek help or guidance</strong> – talk to someone who you can trust. Don’t ignore what has happened or is happening. If you are struggling to cope or don’t know where to start, contact <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/contact-me/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Braving Boundaries</a> who will be able to not only support you as you go through this process but can also provide you with actionable targets and goals that can help you deal with and get over being bullied</p>
<p>7. <strong>Look after yourself</strong> – maintain a healthy and balanced lifestyle outside of work to help you cope with the stress you are experiencing at work. Work out, get a good night’s sleep and eat a healthy diet</p>
<p>8. <strong>Know your limits</strong> – if the situation cannot be resolved, consider your options for leaving. Don’t expect to change the bully overnight. Real behaviour change is difficult and it takes time. You have no control over the person’s willingness to accept that they have a problem and to work on it. You can only do your best to manage the situation. In the worst-case scenario you may decide to leave your job or be prepared for a long hard fight with the person bullying you</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading"><strong><em>What is the takeaway?</em></strong></h2>
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<p>Bullying is not OK. In any situation. No matter the environment. Or your age. And it has no place in a business that wants to be successful.</p>
<p>Whilst many companies claim to have a zero-tolerance policy, bullying can sometimes be hard to recognise or prove. It therefore makes it difficult for managers or HR departments to take action.</p>
<p>Other companies may not have any policies about bullying in place at all.</p>
<p>We are of the firm belief that all workplaces should have a policy on bullying explaining how it should be handled. If your organisation needs guidance or assistance on how to develop these policies, <a href="https://www.coachingadvocates.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Coaching Advocates</a>, a practice dedicated to helping <em>modernise the way law firms and corporates work</em>, may be the perfect place to start.</p>
<p>Taking steps to prevent workplace bullying can benefit organisations and the health of their employees. If you have been bullied or are being bullied, know you can safely take steps to combat the bullying without confronting the perpetrator.</p>
<p><em>And always remember to take care of your own health first!</em></p>
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<p>About the writer, <strong><em>Alicia Koch, Founder of The Legal Belletrist.</em></strong></p>
<p>Alicia, an admitted attorney with over 10 years PQE, and now a legal writer and researcher, has established The Legal Belletrist to assist companies (in different sectors) to write well-researched articles that speak to each company’s core business, enabling growth and commercialism. </p>
<p>Click here to visit <a href="https://www.thelegalbelletrist.com/">The Legal Belletrist website</a>.</p>
<p><strong>Email: <a href="mailto:[email protected]" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">[email protected]</a> </strong></p>
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<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/workplace-bullying/">I’m a grown up! – And still being bullied….</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<title>The Perfectionist Problem</title>
<link>https://bravingboundaries.com/the-perfectionist-problem/</link>
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<dc:creator><![CDATA[friedaL2020]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Mon, 06 Jul 2020 15:44:20 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Comfort over coffee]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Lawyer Life]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Perfectionism]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[Self-care]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[work-life balance]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[a balanced life]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[big law]]></category>
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<guid isPermaLink="false">https://bravingboundaries.com/?p=1478</guid>
<description><![CDATA[<p>"Perfection" - an unattainable target for which many of us strive. This article looks at why we feel we need to be perfect, the false belief that perfection brings success, and some ideas that have helped me to let go of the need to be a perfectionist.</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-perfectionist-problem/">The Perfectionist Problem</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
]]></description>
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<h1 class="wp-block-heading" id="the-perfectionist-problem">The Perfectionist Problem</h1>
<p><em>This article forms part of the “Comfort Over Coffee” series – a range of articles seeking to tackle the trickier issues faced in the <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-fear-around-mental-health-in-the-legal-world/">legal world</a></em>.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="introduction"><strong>Introduction</strong></h2>
<p><em><strong>Full disclosure: I am a recovering perfectionist workaholic – and I always will be.</strong></em></p>
<p>Ironically, as I sit down to write this article, I can feel my perfectionist coming out:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li><em>“This article needs to be perfect if people are going to resonate.”</em></li><li><em>“There needs to be the perfect balance between fun and information.”</em></li><li><em>“How can you write about perfectionism when you still struggle with it?”</em></li></ul>
<p>Well, the reality is that:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li>this article will resonate with some of you and not with others (<em>and that’s ok</em>).</li><li>for some it will be fun and informative, but possibly not for others (and that’s ok).</li><li>I’m not perfect (and that’s ok).</li></ul>
<p>Aside from telling you a bit about my personal struggle with perfectionism, this article is going to delve into why we feel we need to be perfect, the false belief that perfection brings success, and some ideas that have helped me to let go of the need to be perfect.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="our-need-to-be-perfect"><strong>Our need to be perfect</strong></h2>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="from-childhood-perfectionist"><strong>From childhood perfectionist …</strong></h3>
<p>Society has encouraged us to be perfect from an early age.</p>
<p>As children:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li>Aptitude testing was a regularity to test potential and capacity to learn (from as young as two years old in some cases): Thursdays featured 100 multiplication questions (7×8, 9×6 etc.). Mondays oriented around spelling tests (I still can’t spell ‘occurrence’ confidently). Everything was graded. 90% got praised! 70% not so much (even though it was 20% over the pass mark).</li><li>We grew up with the daily mantra from our teachers and parents of: “Success comes from hard work”. And hard work reaped rewards: being selected for the national netball team, winning the school music competition, being voted as Head Boy / Head Girl.</li><li>As others worked hard to achieve success, competition to be the best heightened – pushing us further towards the need to be perfect.</li><li>Hard work alone was no longer enough – we had to be multi-disciplinary: a good person, someone who helps others, someone who is likeable, someone who is self-sacrificing – the “good all-rounder”.</li><li>The muscles in our brains connecting success with hard work and being multi-capable strengthened, as did the muscle that linked success to perfection.</li></ul>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="to-adulthood-perfectionist"><strong>To adulthood perfectionist …</strong></h3>
<p>As we entered into adult life, our view as to what constituted “perfection” was further embellished:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li>The <strong>romantic-comedy genre</strong> solidified the belief that happiness was derived from the perfect relationship / being the perfect partner. The fact that these films focused on the “getting together” part rather than the actual long-term relationship is by-the-by.</li><li><strong>Social media</strong> portrayed “perfect” to be normal and constantly achievable (never a bad photo in sight).</li><li>The <strong>fitness industry</strong> constantly reminded us of how we could achieve the perfect body, perfect abs, perfect legs – as if there was such a thing! I vividly remember when the size 0 phenomenon hit the media with Nicole Ritchie’s emaciated figure flaunted across magazine covers for the world to see. Dangerously thin was portrayed as the ideal body shape. Another area in our lives in which we had to be perfect in order to succeed.</li></ul>
<p><em>Is it any wonder that this constant assault of unreaslistic “perfection” resulted in so many of us becoming stressed out, over-achieving perfectionists? </em></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="my-perfectionist-story"><strong>My perfectionist story</strong></h2>
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<p>Well, this is what <em><strong>perfectionism</strong> </em>looked like for me.</p>
<p>This photo was taken back in 2014 on a night out with a friend in a bar, downing tequila shots after a long day in the office and yet another failed romantic liaison (it never actually qualified as a relationship). </p>
<p>I was:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li><strong><em>the perfect lawyer</em></strong> – I worked hard, led the most prestigious deals, volunteered on all the committees and went the extra mile. <i><strong>But,</strong> I was not paid my market value nor did I have a clear career path.</i></li></ul>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li><strong><em>the perfect romantic partner</em></strong> – I was fun, slim, always smiling, putting everyone else’s needs before my own, being their cheerleader and daily support. <i><strong>But, </strong>I was not respected or supported (by them or myself) which led to back-to-back failed relationships and a disastrous impact on my self-worth. Not ideal when the rest of your friendship group are happily married and moving into parenthood.</i></li><li><strong><em>the perfect friend</em></strong> – I raced around the world to be at friends’ weddings, visit new-born babies, spend time with my god children. You name it – I barely sat still! <i><strong>But,</strong> my closest friendships suffered because quality time wasn’t spent with the people I cared most about and with those who cared most about me.</i></li><li><strong><em>the perfect all-rounder</em></strong> – I was the epitome of a multi-tasker. I was sporty. I loved a challenge. I raised funds for charity. I organised parties and pub quizzes. I could converse about Turandot as much as I could about how Liverpool were performing in the Premier League. <strong><i>But,</i></strong> <em>I was exhausted. I stopped enjoying the things I loved doing. I felt resentment when my time was taken away from me. I’d chameleoned into so many versions of myself that I’d forgotten who I was at my core.</em></li></ul>
<p><strong><em>Had perfectionism led to success?</em></strong></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="the-dangers-of-perfectionism"><strong>The dangers of perfectionism</strong></h2>
<p>The problem with perfectionism is that it is an ideal. There is no finite point which can be reached to confirm that “perfection” has been achieved. It is, by virtue, unattainable.</p>
<p>So, by seeking perfection, we are setting ourselves up for constant failure which, in turn, can have a severe impact on our mental and physical health.</p>
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<p>Perfectionism also results in an unhealthy level of resistance to failure – as if failure was a bad thing. The irony is that success is achieved as a result of our failures. If we did not fail, how would we ever learn, improve and grow?</p>
<p><em><strong>Failure is a necessary part of being a human. It’s a necessary part of success.</strong></em></p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="how-to-let-go-of-the-need-to-be-perfect"><strong>How to let go of the need to be perfect</strong></h2>
<p>Wouldn’t it be nice just to chill out and relax sometimes? To kick back and enjoy your days without worrying about how you are seen, the impression that you are making, the value that you are bringing to the table. To spend your time enjoying what you are doing. To be comfortable with the very real fact that <strong>you are enough</strong>.</p>
<p>Telling a perfectionist to just do things imperfectly is never going to work though. It is not a switch which we can just turn on and off. It takes time and effort to change behavioural patterns.</p>
<p>But here are a few things that helped me to reduce my perfectionist tendencies:</p>
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<p><strong>Acknowledge the existence of your inner perfectionist:</strong> We adopt perfectionist behaviour to protect ourselves from underlying fears and insecurities. For many perfectionists, their self-worth is derived from praise, where praise is identified with perfection. <strong>Seek support</strong> from a coach to help you identify these underlying fears and build up your self-esteem. Learn to let go of your perfectionist tendencies and lead a much calmer and stress-free lifestyle.</p>
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<p><strong>Let go of the idea that “perfect” exists: </strong>It doesn’t. If “perfect” existed, I am quite certain that evolution would have created identical human beings by now, removing any irregularities. What a humdrum world that would be! Our flaws, our differences, our quirks are what make us unique. It is in our differences that we find our superpowers – the real things that let us shine.</p>
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<p><strong>Stop comparing yourself to others: <em>EVERYONE</em></strong> struggles with something, no matter how they portray themselves in the outside world. Whether it is the perfect family; the huge book of clients; the holiday home in the Hamptons – this is all external messaging. No one brags about the fact that they are feeling like an imposter, worrying about money, not having sex, struggling with their kid’s behaviour. Stop comparing your internal version of the world (the lens through which you look at your own life) with someone else’s external version of the world.</p>
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<p><strong>Reframe success: </strong>Knowing that “perfect” is unattainable, what does a successful life really look like to you? I don’t care if it is on the “what it should look like” list. I want to know what would make you happy, healthy and fulfilled. Take a moment to really think about that. Now consider how you can start implementing that.</p>
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<p><strong>Celebrate your accomplishments – no matter how big or small</strong>: As perfectionists, we achieve a lot, but when do we ever take time to celebrate our accomplishments? You’ll soon see that accomplishment and success can still be achieved in the absence of perfection.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="next-steps"><strong>Next Steps</strong></h2>
<p>If perfectionism is something with which you struggle and which is causing uncomfortable levels of stress for you, please know that these behaviour patterns can be changed. It takes time and effort – but it is achievable. And life is a lot less stressful on the other side.</p>
<p>Through coaching, we can address the underlying fears and insecurities which the perfectionistic behaviour is masking. Together, we can identify ways to reduce the self-criticism and increase your self-esteem, so that you can be confident in who you are, in everything you do and in how you are seen in the world.</p>
<p><strong><em>You are enough!</em></strong></p>
<p><a role="button" href="https://calendly.com/bravingboundaries/discovery-call-30-mins"><br>Book a free Discovery Session<br></a><br><a role="button" href="https://bravingboundaries.com/contact-me/"><br>Drop me a quick message<br></a><br><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" sizes="(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" srcset="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-1024x311-1.jpg 1024w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-300x91-1.jpg 300w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-768x233-1.jpg 768w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-500x152.png 500w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-800x243.png 800w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-1280x389-1.jpg 1280w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-1080x328-1.jpg 1080w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-980x298-1.jpg 980w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-480x146-1.jpg 480w, https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner.jpg 1400w" width="1024" height="311" src="https://bravingboundaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Braving-Boundaries-banner-1024x311-1.jpg" alt="Coaching for perfectionist"></p>
<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="references"><strong>References </strong></h2>
<p>“<em>The dangerous downsides of perfectionism</em>” by Amanda Ruggeri (senior journalist for the BBC) – definitely worth the read: https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20180219-toxic-perfectionism-is-on-the-rise </p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-perfectionist-problem/">The Perfectionist Problem</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<title>Imposter Syndrome: Fighting the feelings of being a fraud</title>
<link>https://bravingboundaries.com/imposter-syndrome-fighting-the-feelings-of-being-a-fraud/</link>
<comments>https://bravingboundaries.com/imposter-syndrome-fighting-the-feelings-of-being-a-fraud/#comments</comments>
<dc:creator><![CDATA[@dmin2019]]></dc:creator>
<pubDate>Sun, 24 May 2020 12:00:00 +0000</pubDate>
<category><![CDATA[Comfort over coffee]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[attorney life]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[imposter phenomenon]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[imposter syndrome]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[imposterism]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[impostor phenomenon]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[impostor syndrome]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[impostorism]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[law]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[lawyer life]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[lawyers]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[legal life]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[life balance]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[mental health]]></category>
<category><![CDATA[mental health matters]]></category>
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<description><![CDATA[<p>Imposter Syndrome refers to people who have a persistent belief in their lack of intelligence, skills or competence. Despite evidence to the contrary, they are convinced their successes are the result of luck, charm, connections or other external factors - not their competence and capability. Does any of this sound familiar? Well, luckily, you are not alone.</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/imposter-syndrome-fighting-the-feelings-of-being-a-fraud/">Imposter Syndrome: Fighting the feelings of being a fraud</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="imposter-syndrome-fighting-the-feelings-of-being-a-fraud">Imposter Syndrome: Fighting the feelings of being a fraud</h2>
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<p><em>This article forms part of the “Comfort Over Coffee” series – a range of articles seeking to tackle the trickier issues faced in the <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/the-fear-around-mental-health-in-the-legal-world/">legal world</a></em>.</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="introduction">Introduction</h3>
<p>Have you ever been invited to a meeting and looked at the other participants and thought: “<em>Gulp! What on earth am I doing up here? I do not deserve to be in this room!</em>”?</p>
<p>Have you ever passed an exam, having studied hard, and just put it down to sheer luck?</p>
<p>Have you ever received a promotion and credited it to “<em>just being in the right place at the right time</em>”?</p>
<p>If you’ve answered “yes” to any of the above, then you may well have experienced a bout of imposter syndrome. <strong>Approximately 70% of people will suffer from imposter syndrome at least once in their lives.</strong> So, as much as it may feel like it, you are not in this alone.</p>
<p>This article seeks to explain the imposter phenomenon, to consider some of its roots, to highlight its potential impact and to identify possible strategies to overcome it.</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="what-is-imposter-syndrome">What is imposter syndrome?</h3>
<p>The concept of “imposter syndrome” (UK spelling) / “impostor syndrome” (US spelling) (also known as imposter phenomenon) was first introduced in 1978 by Dr. Pauline R. Clance and Dr. Suzanne A. Imes. They defined the imposter phenomenon as an “<em>internal experience of intellectual phoniness</em>”.</p>
<p>The women studied by Clance and Imes maintained a strong belief that, despite a mountain of evidence to the contrary, they were “<em>not intelligent and were convinced that they had managed to fool their way to success</em>”. They lived with the view that, at some point, someone would see through the veneer and they would be exposed as the “<strong>frauds</strong>” that they were.</p>
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<p>In 2011, Dr. Valerie Young, a leading expert in imposter syndrome, further developed the theory stating that:</p>
<p>“<em>Impostor Syndrome refers to people who have a persistent belief in their lack of intelligence, skills or competence. They are convinced that other people’s praise and recognition of their accomplishments is undeserved, chalking up their achievements to chance, charm, connections and other external factors.</em>”</p>
<p>We are not talking about “<em>false humility”</em> here. We are talking about hard-working, talented and capable people – men and women alike who have achieved great things – who genuinely believe that they do not deserve their success.</p>
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<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="imposter-syndrome-and-the-law">Imposter Syndrome and the law</h3>
<p>I’d like to say that there is very little luck in becoming a lawyer. Yes, your parents may have been lawyers or business owners and had connections. Yes, you may have fluked the accountancy exam of your Legal Practice Course. Yes, you may be incredibly funny and personable and people just like you. But, don’t write off:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li>the hard work you put in to achieve your A-levels (or equivalent) and law degree;</li><li>the extra-curricular activities you participated in;</li><li>the connections you made which made you a more rounded person; and</li><li>the interview that you nailed to get your training contract because you’d researched your desired law firm</li></ul>
<p><strong>It’s certainly not all about luck.</strong></p>
<p>Having researched the imposter syndrome and struggled with it myself throughout my career, what fascinates me most is that the feeling of being a fraud arises at varying stages of your career. You would think that the more successes you have, the more that feeling of fraudulence would dissipate. But, it doesn’t. Instead, imposter syndrome becomes a self-perpetuating cycle … the more you succeed, the more people will expect of you, the more you need to perform and, quite frankly, you have no idea how you did it in the first place!.</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="my-first-encounter-with-imposter-syndrome">My first encounter with imposter syndrome</h3>
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<p>I <strong>HATE</strong> sitting exams. I always have and, having just taken my ICF exam, I am quite certain I always will. For some unjustifiable reason, I have always entered an exam room thinking that there was a high chance that I would fail.</p>
<p>At law school, we were a group of six. All of us perfectly intelligent and all of us becoming successful lawyers in our respective fields. We bonded through humour, kindness and capability – each of us supporting the other when we were struggling. But, despite any evidence to the contrary – I always felt that they were naturally gifted and success would come to them with ease.</p>
<p>When it came to exam time, they all used to tease me for studying too hard. My belief was that I wasn’t “naturally clever” and, to do well, I had to work hard. And so I did. I vividly remember highlighting my Companies Act 1985 from front to back. I can still remember the steps of the whitewash procedure (section 155-158) which, given their abolition in the 2006 Act, is pretty useless today!</p>
<p>By the time exam day arrived, I knew my stuff and, funnily enough, the exam went off without a hitch. I remember chatting to my friend afterwards and saying: “Yeh, it went ok I think … [I would never have said “well” in case I jinxed it] … I was just really lucky the right questions came up”! The reality is that any question on the Companies Act could have come up and I would have been fine. I’d studied hard and I knew my stuff. But, despite all that, I still genuinely believed that my success was a result of luck rather than competence or capability.</p>
<p><strong>So, with little or no proof to the contrary, what is it that drives the imposter thinking?</strong></p>
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<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="what-causes-imposter-syndrome">What causes imposter syndrome?</h3>
<p>There are varying theories as to the root cause of imposter syndrome. In the paper: “<em>The impostor phenomenon in high achieving women</em>”, Clance and Imes observed two scenarios which related to early family history:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li><strong>The labeling of siblings or close relatives as the “intelligent one”, the “sensitive one”, the “funny one” etc.</strong> The implication is that the child which isn’t labelled as the “intelligent one” can never prove that she is as bright as her sibling regardless of what she actually accomplishes intellectually. Her successes are conflicted: she continually seeks validation for her competence, and yet secretly doubts her intellect believing she may have achieved success for other reasons e.g. social skills, feminine charm.</li><li><strong>The notion of being the perfect child.</strong> When children are brought up with the family rhetoric that: “<em>there is nothing you cannot do if you want to and you can do it with ease</em>”, imposter syndrome can creep in when they start experiencing difficulty in achieving certain things. They don’t want to let the family down, and, in turn, start to distrust the family’s perception of their capability. Although the child does well, it comes from working hard (not a natural ability), which is contrary to the notion of “<em>perfection with ease</em>”. The child no longer thinks she is clever and therefore starts feeling like an imposter.</li></ul>
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<p>Dr. Valerie Young went on to develop the family and childhood experience theory adding various examples of adult/child relationship dynamics to the mix. She also highlighted other good reasons why people may feel like imposters. These include the following:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li><strong>Being a student</strong> – the transition from school, where you may have been top of your class, into university, where you may feel decidedly average compared to your peers, can certainly cause you to question your capability and competence. I certainly resonated with this theory.</li><li><strong>Being a stranger in a strange land</strong> – If you are the first in your family to go to university or become a lawyer; or the first woman to reach the position of CEO in your company, or you are working abroad in a new country, the unfamiliar territory may allow the feelings of impostorism to creep in. Aside from the expectations and pressure to perform, you are also struggling with the need to fit in to your new surroundings.</li><li><strong>Working for yourself</strong> – In a world where you have no job description, no peer/management feedback and no annual reviews, you make up your own. As high achievers at the best of times, the levels of expectation you place on yourself are always higher than you would expect from others. Is it any wonder that you start feeling like an imposter when those unattainable goals are not reached?</li><li><strong>Working in an organisational culture that feeds self-doubt</strong> – certain industries are highly competitive. Success is rewarded by promotion and through salaries and bonuses. Egos, one-upping and infighting are part and parcel of a competitive business industry and can cause people to doubt their competence and ability to play in this field. Self-confidence can take a battering.</li><li><strong>Representing your entire social group</strong> – Being in a minority can also trigger anxiety. If there is an additional belief that your position was achieved only as a result of affirmative action (rather than your competence and capability), this can undermine your confidence and increase the pressure to prove yourself – all of which may result in feeling like an imposter.</li></ul>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="what-is-so-damaging-about-imposter-syndrome">What is so damaging about imposter syndrome?</h3>
<p>Research has identified a number of emotional, mental, and physical consequences which imposter syndrome can have on our lives if it remains unaddressed:</p>
<ul class="wp-block-list"><li>It can increase levels of stress, anxiety, lack of self-confidence and frustration which, in turn, can cause a physical effect: insomnia, exhaustion and poor physical health.</li><li>At the more extreme levels, it can lead to depression.</li><li>It can hold you back in your career. Imposter syndrome can act as an internal barrier to career progression and seeking positions of leadership.</li><li>It can trigger self-sabotaging behaviour. The disconnect between proof of success and the self-held belief that your success is not deserved, may lead to distorted views of what you are capable of accomplishing.</li><li>It may lead to overwork or worse, burnout. If your belief is that your successes are only a result of hard work, then this may lead to you taking on too much work to continually justify your position and previous successes, which in turn, may lead to burnout.</li></ul>
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<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="learning-to-quieten-the-imposter-monster">Learning to quieten the imposter monster!</h3>
<p>My imposter syndrome has flared up at varying times and to varying degrees during my career – usually at a period of transition. Some examples include when I was seconded to a client for a work placement, writing articles for distribution to clients, public speaking, attending indabas/conferences, pitching for partnership etc. Over time though, I’ve found a number of ways to stem the onset of the imposter feelings.</p>
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<p><b>Acknowledge it and know you are not alone</b> – Recognising that you are suffering with imposter syndrome and not just low self-esteem or a lack of confidence is the starting point. I only realised what imposter syndrome was in my early thirties after a discussion with my mother, a well-respected and highly-successful General Practitioner and Fellow – who struggled with imposter syndrome throughout her career! I had no idea!</p>
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<p><b>Talk to your trusted peers and mentors about it </b>– Gaining a clearer understanding as to whether or not your capability concerns are warranted should enable you to gain a clearer perspective around the situation. Ask for honest and respectful feedback.</p>
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<p><b>Self-reflection</b> – Spend some time looking at your accomplishments and successes to date. Try to see the factual path as to how you have reached your current position whether in work, a relationship, a sport or other aspect in your life. What work have you put in? What sacrifices have you made? What qualities have supported your successes?</p>
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<p><strong>Start acting like you are not an imposter</strong> – As Dr. Valerie Young mentions in her TedTalk: “<em>To stop feeling like an impostor, you’ve got to stop thinking like an impostor.</em>” You don’t have to feel confident to act confident. Over time, repeated actions will start to feel more comfortable and more natural, allowing you to step away from the internalisation of phoniness.</p>
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<p><b>Understand where your imposter syndrome may be rooted</b> – Acknowledging the roots of our imposter feelings and recognising the distortion in our own narrative, may help to dispel the myth that our successes are without merit.</p>
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<p><strong>Get informed</strong> – There are some wonderful books and articles about imposter syndrome available online and in hard copy. Learn about imposter syndrome – the more informed you are, the less scary it feels.</p>
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<p><strong>Speak to a coach or therapist</strong> – If you are looking for external support, consider speaking to a coach or a therapist to help you tackle the feelings with which you are struggling.</p>
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<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="conclusion">Conclusion</h3>
<p>Luck, time, connection, charm, personality and other external factors may have played a role in your successes, but they are not the sole reason for your success.</p>
<p>By owning your successes, you stop diminishing your value and start operating in alignment with your capability and competence. You start truly believing in yourself, which paves the way for new opportunities and further successes which you deserve.</p>
<p><em>If you are currently experiencing imposter syndrome and need someone to talk to, then why don’t you <a style="color: #c69229; text-decoration: none;" href="https://bravingboundaries.com/contact-me/">drop me a message</a> and we can arrange a one-on-one coaching session.</em></p>
<p><strong>Please don’t struggle alone.</strong></p>
<p><a role="button" href="https://calendly.com/bravingboundaries/discovery-call-30-mins"><br>book a free discovery session<br></a><br><a role="button" href="https://bravingboundaries.com/contact-me/"><br>drop me a quick message<br></a></p>
<p><strong>Further reading:</strong></p>
<p>For further reading on Imposter Syndrome, please refer to: “<em>The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It</em>” by Dr. Valerie Young.</p>
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<p><!-- divi:paragraph --><strong>References:</strong></p>
<p>Clance, P. R., & Imes, S. A. (1978). The imposter phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, 15(3), 241–247. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/h0086006">https://doi.org/10.1037/h0086006</a></p>
<p>Gail Matthews and Pauline Clance, “Treatment of the Impostor Phenomenon in Psychotherapy Clients,” Psychotherapy in Private Practice 3, no. 1 (1985): 71–81.</p>
<p>Clance, P. R., & Langford, J (1993). The imposter phenomenon: Recent research findings regarding dynamics, personality and family patterns and their implications for treatment. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, Vol 30(3), Fal 1993, 495-501</p>
<p>“The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It” by Dr. Valerie Young, (2011)</p>
<p>Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries : “The dangers of feeling like a fake”, September 2005 issue of Harvard Business Review</p>
<p>Neureiter M., Traut-Mattausch E. (2016). Inspecting the dangers of feeling like a fake: an empirical investigation of the impostor phenomenon in the world of work. Front. Psychol. 7:1445 10.3389/fpsyg.2016.01445</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com/imposter-syndrome-fighting-the-feelings-of-being-a-fraud/">Imposter Syndrome: Fighting the feelings of being a fraud</a> appeared first on <a href="https://bravingboundaries.com">Braving Boundaries</a>.</p>
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